### PKICKS.IRC by Vassago for use with PhoEniX Version 2.05.
EVAL if ([$ex] == []) {^assign ex [E/X]}
EVAL if ([$pk] == []) {^assign pk | PhoEniX |}
EVAL echo $ex Loading Vassago's PKICKS.IRC Scatterkick script...
EVAL echo $ex PKICKS commands:
EVAL echo $ex /SK#(1-81) (nick) - Scatterkicks <nick>. Use #'s 1-81.
EVAL echo $ex /RANSK (nick) - Picks a random skatterkick from 1-81 for <nick>.
^assign numsk 81
alias ransk
{
^assign skick $rand($numsk)
@ skick = skick + 1
/say Spinning the Wheel of Fate... It lands on Splatterkick $skick!
/sk$skick $0
}
alias vsk {/quote KICK $C $0 :$pk}
alias sk1 {
/me hates flooders!
/me takes $0 by the balls and throws him out of $C!
/vsk $0
}
alias sk2 {
/me follows $0 to a party one night....
/me waits until $0 goes inside and then breaks into his car....
/me exchanges $0's MegaDeth CD with the new Enigma CD
/say Later that night, $0 decides to crank some tunes on his drive home...
/say $0 falls asleep at the wheel and plows into an Exxon Truck....
/vsk $0
/say BOOM!@!@!@!!
}
alias sk3 {
/me smells something bad..
/me looks at $0...
/vsk $0
/say the smell is gone!
}
alias sk4 {
/me notices that $0 is idling..
/me decides to get rid of him
/me picks up $0 and throw him out of $C
/vsk $0
/say Problem solved!
}
alias sk5 {
/me gags $0 and stuffs him in a Cow suit, then tosses him into a corral with a horny bull. <<Mmmmmoooooo!>>
/vsk $0
}
alias sk6 {;say it's April, the season of growing, and the fucking weeds are popping up everywhere;me spots a weed in $C;me calls the Orkin man;me sees the Orkin man spray $0;kick $C $0 $pk;say psssttzz.., the weed is gone;me mails $0 the bill. }
alias sk7 {;me intercepte la balle, drible et shoot!;kick $C $0 $pk;wait;me s'ecrit: Buuuuuuuuuuuuut !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }
alias sk8 {;me kicks $0 in the chest...**Kaiaaaaa;/kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk9 {;me smashes $0's head with a baseball bat *BOK*#!!;kick $C $0 $pk;wait;/me wipes the blood off the bat on $0's hair.}
alias sk10 {;me pulls down the switch to the electric chair;kick $C $0 $pk;wait;me makes an omelette with $0's brains.}
alias sk11 {
me dons his priestly garb.
me dispatches $0's soul on its way to the pearly gates.
kick $C $0 $pk
say Dominus omis.
}
alias sk12 {
me grabs $0 by the hair and jams him face first into the toilet...
me does the royal flush.
kick $C $0 $pk
say ba-WHOOOOOOOSH!
}
alias sk13 {
me throws $0 carelessly to the floor.
me does the moonwalk up and down $0's ass.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk14 {
say $0, yerrr OUTTA here, pal!
me grabs $0 by the balls and heaves him into the void.
kick $C $0 $pk
topic $C $0: Stay the fuck out!
ban $0
}
alias sk15 {
say ENEMAI OFT MI CHAR N DYE!
me casts a Fireball that goes streaking across the channel at $0
me watches as $0's corporeal form is devoured in flame!
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk16 {
me pulls out his portable chalkboard.
me shows $0 the function of relativity for chaos mathematics.
me watches as $0's brain shorts out with a puff of putrid smoke!
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk17 {
say $0 - what is your real name?
say $0 - what is your quest?
say $0 - what's the average air speed of a coconut laden swallow?
kick $C $0 $pk
say I guess he didn't know!
}
alias sk18 {
me waves his hands and turns into Michael Jordan for a instant.
say $0 give me those Nike's!
me leaves a court shoe print across $0's face.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk19 {
me casts Otto's Irresistible Dance on $0.
me then casts Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter on $0.
me watches as $0 laughs and dances off the channel.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk20 {
me grabs $0's tongue and pulls it wayyyyy out.
me takes out locking ring and loops it through $0's tongue.
me then fastens the ring to a Lotus Esprit and drives off.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk21 {
me becomes bored with $0, cranks some tunes.
me takes a dancing flower and shoves it up $0's ass!
me watches as $0 goes through several interesting convulsions.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk22 {
me looks to his left...then to his right.
me takes out a little black bag and points it at $0
me watches as $0 is attacked by a mob of pirhana clams!!!
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk23 {
me notes $0 has been poisoned!!!!!
say hmmmm odorless.... tasteless..... hmmmmmm
say aha! Iocane powder !!!
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk24 {
say ENEMAI OFT MI SPIRU CRIE!!!
me invokes $0's worst nightmare from $0's mind.
me watches as $0 is devoured by $0's Rosanne Barr.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk25 {
me decides to use calculus on $0.
me takes the second derivative of $0.
me is astonished... he has just disproved $0's existence!!!
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk26 {
me reaches into one of his many pockets.
me draws forth a wand with an emerald tip.
me points the wand at $0 and utters arcane words of power...
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk27 {
me waves at $0 with complex motions and changes his appearance.
me turns $0 into a really cool purple lamp shade with pink polka dots.
say NOT
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk28 {
say Ha $0, so you think yourself my equal...hmmm...
say But I have something I must tell you...
say You see $0, I am not left handed either.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk29 {
say Pawn jumps $0.
say Bishop jumps $0.
say It's good to be the king.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk30 {
me dumps a can of gasoline on $0
me lights a match and tosses it.
me laughs as $0 turns squirms and smokes to a blackened crisp.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk31 {
me opens a cannister of liquid nitrogen.
me dumps it all over $0
me laughs $0 become stiff, then shatter into thousands of gleaming shards.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk32 {
me pulls out a bottle of hydrocloric acid.
me splashes it in $0's face.
me watches $0 as skin runs in rivulets from bone until only a pool remains.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk33 {
me prays to the Gods of IRC for assistance.
me watches for a sign...
me laughs as $0 is seared by lightning and torn asunder.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk34 {
me pulls out a finely engraved iron wrought long sword.
me runs $0 through and waits until $0 stops gurgling.
me then yanks the sword up through $0's spine, rib cage, and lungs.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk35 {
me prays silently to the IRC Gods for assistance.
me watches the skies for a sign...
me laughs as the ground beneath $0 shakes and splits open engulfing $0.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk36 {
me calls upon the Daemon Primarch Mortarion to answer his summons.
say now $0 feel the wrath of the Prince of Plagues.
me watches as $0 dissolves into a mass of blisters and bleeding scars.
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk37 {
me grabs $0 by the neck and props $0's mouth open.
me stuffs large quantities of frozen ice cream bars down $0's throat.
me sets $0 off to the side to admire his new full size PEZ distributor...
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk38 {
me grabs $0 by the neck and hooks $0's upper jaw over his thumb.
me takes careful aim while stretching $0 wayyy out...
me releases $0... *twang*
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk39 {
me grabs $0 by the right nostril and pulls it wayyy out...
me looks around for a suitable implement of devise for $0...
me grabs a running chainsaw and stuffs it up $0's right nostril...
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk40 {
me becomes a magical conduit between the Prime and Negative Material Planes...
me then touches $0, draining $0's life essence away...
say What life? He's on irc all the damn time!
kick $C $0 $pk
}
alias sk41 {
me pulls a small, deadly vial from his pocket.
me breaks the vial over $0's head...
me laughs as $0 suddenly turns into MiSTiK!
kick $C $0 $pk
topic $C $0: Stay the FUCK OUT!!
}
alias sk42 { ;me pulls out a sharp battle axe and slices off $0's head..;me watches the head roll to the floor, covering $C with blood..;me slings the axe over his shoulder and laughs with murderous glee!;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk43 { ;me 'accidentally' bumps into $0 on the observation deck at the Empire State Building....;me laughs as he watches $0 go for the plunge....;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk44 { ;me searches for a small explosive...;me finds a half stick of dynamite...;me blows $0's ass out of the known world...;me wishes $0 pleasant dreams and a happy tomorrow...;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk45 { ;me puts $0 into an electric chair and throws the switch.....;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk46 { ;me tosses $0 into a microwave oven and sets the dial on 'HIGH'....;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk47 { ;me picks up a cordless-drill with a paint-stripper...;me decides that $0 could REALLY use an enema...;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk48 { ;me ties a rope around the neck of $0 and places him over the trap-door...;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk49 { ;me *** LAMER PROTECTION ENGAGED ***;me Weeeeeeep! Weeeeeeep! Weeeeeeeeep!;me Lamer spotted!! Lowering targets on the lamer!;/MSG $0 Tag, your it!;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk50 { ;me loads a laser guided AARM-32b smartbomb into the F-16E.;me watches as the sights level on $0.;/msg $C look out below!;me watches as the bomb hits $0 and pounds him 20ft into the ground.;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk51 { ;me pulls the scalp off of $0.;me eats the scalp;/msg $C Mmmmm! finger lickin' good!!;kick $C $0 $pk}
alias sk52 {
me raises his arms to the sky and feels energy flow into his veins.
me points his finger at $0...
me opens his hands and releases the energy at $0
say Zot!!!
/kick $C $0 $pk
me loves the smell of burnt flesh. HaHaHa
}
alias sk53 {
me approaches $0's swaying body.
me takes hold of $0's neck.
me removes $0's head and spine from it's body.
say Rrrrrriiiiiiipppp!!!
me turns $0's head to show $0 the lifeless body.
/kick $C $0 $pk
me proclaims $0's body has been relieved of a useless member. HaHaHa
}
alias sk54 {
me removes his mask revealing his skull.
me lets forth a stream of fire upon $0's swaying body.
say $0 is engulfed by hellish flames.
say *Fwosh*
/kick $C $0 $pk
me proclaims "I love the smell of a fresh barbeque." HaHaHa
}
alias sk55 {
me approaches $0's fear paralyzed body.
me thrusts his hand into $0's chest.
say $0's rib cage is seperated.
say C-rrrrrraaaaaaaa-KK
me withdraws the still beating heart and shows it to $0.
/kick $C $0 $pk
say Here $0, have a heart. HaHaHa
}
alias sk56 {
@old_nick=[$N]
nick _Sonya_
WAIT
me gazes upon your quaking body.
me undress you with her eyes and moves her hand to her lips.
me blows you a kiss which takes the shape of a flaming ball.
say $0's body is consumed by the "Flames of Lust."
/kick $C $0 $pk
say I lose more good lovers that way. HeHeHe
nick $old_nick
}
alias sk57 {
me after executing a devastating flying kick, $0's body sways.
me approaches $0 and glances at his target.
me hurls himself through the air, cartwheeling towards $0.
me swings his harm and makes shattering contact with $0's jaw.
say Crrrrruuuunnnn-ch
/kick $C $0 $pk
say K.O. Liu Kang. HaHaHa
}
alias sk58 {
me looks into $0's eyes.
me approaches $0 with lightning speed.
me pauses to look one last time at $0 panic stricken face.
say THOCK
me punches $0 head from $0's neck with inhuman strength.
/kick $C $0 $pk
say $0 has lost their head. HaHaHa
}
alias sk59 {
me puts on his black hood.
me escorts $0 to the guillotine.
say Any final requests before the blade drops?
say No ? Good!
//kick $C $0 $pk
say -CHOP!-
}
alias sk60 {
me spits out a wad of chewing tobacco
say *pbpbth*
say Listen $0, we don't like yer kind around here...
say so git on out er we'll throw yuh out!
//kick $C $0 $pk
say GIT OUT !!
}
/ALIAS SK61 me decides to get REALLY liquored up!;me grabs a shotgun and takes pot shots at passing clouds.;me is waaayyyy too drunk, though, and starts taking out other objects in his vicinity.;kick $C $0 Blam! Blam! Blam! Whoops! Oh well...Blam!
/ALIAS SK62 me grabs $0 by his little dick.;me pulls hard and swings $0 around the channel.;me swings faster until $0 's dick snaps off.;me watches as $0 flies off the channel.;/kick $C $0 Forgot your mushroom cap!
/ALIAS SK63 me and $0 are waiting at the bus stop.;me watches as the bus approaches...;me nudges $0 out into traffic before the bus can stop.;/kick $C $0 You gonna eat this lunch?
/ALIAS SK64 {
me hates violence.;me hates violent people, too.;me thinks that $0 is too violent.;me grabs $0 by the neck and lifts $0 off the ground.;me shoves his fist through $0 's midsection.
me head-butts his surprised face before dropping $0 to the floor.;/kick $C $0 I'm a nice guy, really.
}
/ALIAS SK65 {
me decides to build a fire.;me takes the first dead wood he sees and throws $0 in the pit.;me covers $0 with gasoline and strikes a match.;me doesn't seem to hear $0 squealing like a pig for mercy as he drops the match.
/kick $C $0 Poof! Hmm... Charbroil! My favorite!
}
/ALIAS SK66 me looks bored.;me decides to interest himself by mangling $0.;me shoves his fist into $0 's chest and pulls out a handful of capillaries.;me begins knitting a sweater.;/kick $C $0 Knit One, Pearl Two....
alias sk67 {
me takes out a bloodstained axe and acquires an evil grin
say >:)=)
me lifts the axe high above $0's head...
//kick $C $0 $pk
say C*H*O*P*! - Heh heh heh!
}
/ALIAS sk68 me suggests that $0 do his Kurt Cobain impression.;me watches as $0 props a shotgun to his mouth and blows his brains out.;me waits for three days before an electrician finds $0 and throws him out.;/kick $C $0 That's not teen spirit you smell.....
/ALIAS sk69 me wonders how well $0 would work as a conductor.;me ties $0 to the base of a lightning rod.;me is pleased as a storm starts brewing and lightning strikes the rod.;me takes notes as $0 's nervous system becomes a superconductor.;/kick $C $0 For the good of science, not you.
/ALIAS sk70 me wonders where $0 really came from.;me does a smathering of research, only to discover that the best part of $0 ran down some whore's leg.;/kick $C $0 We can always try again later, honey.
/ALIAS sk71 me thinks $0 whines too much.;me thinks $0 does more whining than Gallo.;me suggests $0 go visit California to be with the other cheap whines.;/kick $C $0 I hate whine...
/ALIAS sk72 me smells something terrible.;me figures out that it's $0 who smells like a dead elephant on a hot summer's day.;me decides to send $0 to the cleaners.;/kick $C $0 Put it on my tab.
/ALIAS sk73 me watches too much Mr. Wizard.;me decides to try an experiment.;say Now $0 you hold this putty, while I hook up these wires....;me feigns shock as $0 's ass is blown into next week.;/kick $C $0 For my next experiment....
/ALIAS sk74 me has always been fascinated by Don Herbert.;me wants to try an experiment with $0.;me wants to monitor the brain levels of a moron.;me frowns at the results.;/kick $C $0 What was I thinking? Need a brain first.
/ALIAS sk75 me tries to find where $0 beings and where $0 ends.;me notices the circle that $0 's body makes from neck, to ass, to neck again.;me has never seen a life-form on this low of the food chain.;/kick $C $0 T'was a mercy killing.
/ALIAS sk76 me looks over and sees $0 desperately trying to bend far enough to suck himself off.;me wonders why no one else has kicked him for such pathetic behavior.;me notices that no one else is paying attention to him.;/kick $C $0 Try #jack-off!
alias sk77 {
//me waves an ancient druid sceptre over $0
//me chants "KLATU! VERATTA! NIKTU!"
//me waits as nothing happens
//me says "Fuck this" and busts the sceptre up $0's ass
//kick * $0 That's GOTTA hurt!
}
alias sk78 {
//me follows $0 to a party one night....
//me waits until $0 goes inside and then breaks into his car....
//me exchanges $0's MegaDeth CD with the new Enigma CD
/say Later that night, $0 decides to crank some tunes on his drive home...
/say $0 falls asleep at the wheel and plows into an Exxon Truck....
//kick * $0 BOOM!
}
alias sk79 {
//me kicks $0 through a time warp....
/say $0 lands at the Jim Jones incident....
/say Jim Jones says "Hey $0! How about some PurpleSaurus Rex Kool Aid?"
/say $0 chugs a pitcher and says "damn, why is this stuff so good?"
/say Jim Jones says, "Well $0, it's either the nutrasweet or the cynanide!"
//kick * $0 DOH!
}
alias sk80 {
//me shows $0 a broomstick and some KY.....
/say Suddenly some cheap 70's porno film music comes on [BOOMP-CHICKA-BOOMP-BOWWWWW!]
/say $0 decides he'd prefer not to take chances and runs like fuck....
//kick * $0 And don't let the door hit ya on the way out!
}
alias sk81 {
//me jumps through a time warp that has somehow manifested in his garage...
//me notices a bird fly by...
//me steps on a worm that the bird _should_ have gotten...
/say The bird sees an old man sitting on a rock next to the tree where his nest is.
/say The bird pecks the old man to death.
/say It just turns out that the old man is one of $0's ancestors...
/say Upon this paradox of the space/time continium, $0 pops out of existence...
//kick * $0 POOF!
}
EVAL /echo $ex PKICKS.IRC is now loaded.
