You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
*
Prudhomme's Law Of Window Cleaning:  It's on the other side.
*
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
choice.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People
passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
*
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
 - Thomas Jefferson -
*
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
*
The government has called off martial law in China. They have now 
established Peter Marshall law. They will ask the students several 
questions and if they don't answer correctly, the government gets the
square.
*
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
*
		MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
fight and the match was called by officials.
*
Honest, Officer, had I known my health 
stood in jeopardy I would never have lit one. 
- MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS - 
*
My doctor is wonderful.  Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an
operation, he touched up the X-Rays.
*
Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of squishing noises.  It shows your
mind isn't clicking right.
  --JOHNNY ROTTEN
*
The most important thing about Spaceship Earth -
an instruction book didn't come with it.
- R. Buckminster Fuller,
quoted in "Contemporary Architects", 1980
*
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

KEN KESEY
*
There is no substitute for incomprehensible good luck.
*
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
*
Please don't lie to me, unless you 're absolutely sure I'll never find
out the truth.
*
When Love is gone, there's always Justice.
And when Justice is gone, there's always Force.
And when Force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi Mom!
                        - Laurie Anderson, O Superman
*
Fair enough, he was in an offside position, but I don't think he was
offside.
*
PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours
today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be
foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus.
*
Englishmen know instinctively that whatever the world needs most is
whatever is best for Great Britain.
*
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of...
*
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
-- Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.
*
Cornuelle's Law: 
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them. 
*
Q: How many Welshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 81. 30 to play rugby, 50 to form the choir and one to screw it in.
*
"Ubung macht der meister."
"Practice makes the master."
                    -- German proverb
*
LIQUOR IS QUICKER
     ...To cause riots in Russia. The vodka shortage has created rationing
     but some still find the shelves empty. They are venting their anger
     by rioting.
*
Now why did you name your baby 'John'?  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named
'John'.
*
"Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people."
*
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
*
"Things too stupid to be spoken are sung."
*
At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
against his simulations printed on 11" by 14" fanfold paper.
*
He who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot 
is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.   
-Sir William Drummond 
*
"Wop-babba-loo-ba, da-wop-bam-boom" -- Little Richard
*
A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a
magician.
*
They told him the job couldn't be done,
He rolled up his sleeves and set to it.
He tackled the job that couldn't be done,
And he couldn't do it.
*
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
*
"Go to the bedroom.  In the suitcase on the left you'll
find my favorite axe.  Don't look so frightened, this is
just a passing phase: one of my bad days..."
                                  Pink Floyd ("The Wall")
*
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in
me a sense of obligation."

Stephen Crane
*
I have heard of the Vulcan integrity and personal honor.  There is a
well-known saying, or is it a myth, that Vulcans are incapable of lying.
-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
great crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But
one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
going.  I shall let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I
shall die of boredom."
	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that
current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
"See a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the
Messiah, come to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current
said, "I am no more Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us
free, if only we dare let go.  Our true work is this voyage, this
adventure.
	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
*
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
will not bite you. This is the principal difference between
a dog and a man.

Mark Twain
*
The only way round is through.

Robert Frost
*
Physicists get hadrons.
*
An optimist is a guy who has never had much experience.

Don Marquis
*
When policy fails try thinking.

American Business Maxim
*
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
*
Equal bytes for women.
*
Matz's Maxim:  
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
*
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
*
Boy's don't make passes at female smart asses.
*
If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
*
I was movin' and a-groovin', rollin' and a-strollin'
 reelin' with the feelin', splishin' and a-splashin'.
 ... how was I to know there was a party goin' on?
*
If John F Kennedy was reading this sentence,
Lee Harvey Oswald would have missed.
*
Two is company, three is an orgy.
*
Men have a much better time of it than women: for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

H.L. Mencken
*
I used to sit in your seat, so I know exactly where you stand.
*
What do you want for free, your money back?
                                -- Waylon
*
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
*
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach, and the sea..
*
When you have got an elephant by the hind legs 
and he is trying to get away, 
it is best to let him run. 
-Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 
*
The world is beautifull, but has a disease called man.
*
Reality does not exist - yet.
*
Law has always been wrong. Government is the
fundamentalism of the soldier, bigot and priest.
*
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong
lane.
*
We give Breast Results.
*
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
*
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
*
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School
Board.

Mark Twain
*
This is a GENUINE Cookie! Don't be fooled by cheap imitations!
*
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
*
The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image
of fulfilment.
*
The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet.
- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
"What do you mean, 'Gordon's alive!'?" -- Ming the Merciless
*
Interviewer : "Why did you decide to put your head above the parapet on this
issue?"
Tory MP     : "To gauge the temperature of the water."
*
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
*
When a man tells me he's going to put all his cards on the table, I always
look up his sleeve.
*
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
*
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
  --RICHARD M. NIXON
*
Malek's Law: 
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 
*
Corrupt, adj.
In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
Life is too short for men to take it seriously.
*
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
*
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words
become superfluous.
  --INGRID BERGMAN
*
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
*
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
*
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a
fruit fly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producers
heart.
*
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
*
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
*
No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.
*
The more I know about you, the more I like my dog.
*
Though I am not naturally honest, I am sometimes so by chance. 
-Shakespeare (1564-1616) 
*
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
*
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
him.
*
Trust us to truss you.
*
How doth the little crocodile
	Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
	On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
	How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
	With gently smiling jaws!
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
*
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.  (Hint:  They are small enough to fit inside).
*
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
*
With children use force, with men reason;
such is the natural order of things.
the wise man requires no law.
*
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
therefore be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
hardly be propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ...  In war,
then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
		-- William Ellery Channing
*
Certainly religion must be granted to be one of the
greatest inventions ever made on earth.
*
"Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue."
*
"At the back of the roadhouse they've got some bungalows...
and that's for the people who like to go down slow...
let it roll, baby, roll ... all night long." -- Jim Morrison
*
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or
they don't."
Dagwood Bumstead
*
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
*
I don't desire to change anything in England except the weather.
*
When a woman sits at a spinning wheel these days, she's probably in
Atlantic City.
  --LOS ANGELES TIMES
*
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
*
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
*
To have arrived on this earth as the product of a biological accident, only
to depart through human arrogance, would be the ultimate irony.
  --RICHARD LEAKEY
*
To err is human; to compute divine. 
Trust your computer but not its programmer. 
- Morris Kingston - 
*
God wants to go on a vacation so he asks St.Peter where he should go.
St. Peter says,
"Why don't you go to Jupiter?" 
     "No, No, too much gravity there, too much stomping around."
"Why don't you go to Mercury?"
     "No, No, way too hot."
"Why don't you go to Earth?"
     "No! No! They have too much gossip! I had an affair with a Jewish lady
      over 2000 years ago and they are *still* talking about it."
*
With daylight savings, some of us get tired an hour earlier.
*
"When we return, our contestants will be placed in Final Jeopardy."
*
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your
name and press RETURN.'  What do I do??"
Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."
Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
*
"Always keep your head up, but be sure to keep your nose on a
friendly level!"
*
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
*
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
*
Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
come to brass tacks.

T. S. Elliot
*
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most times he will pick himself up and carry on.
- Winston Churchill
*
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
*
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
*
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
*
Write-Protect Tab, n.:
	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
	left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an
	error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far
	outweighs the momentary inconvenience.
		-- Robb Russon
*
Remember Grasshopper...
 A flute without holes is not a flute, but
  a donut without a hole is a danish.
                                     -- The Wise Blind Sage --
*
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
garage door."
*
Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
*
Without love there is no hope.  Without hope there is no future.
Without a future there is no meaning.
*
It's only when your work load piles up that you get the special projects.  
-MURPHY 
*
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!!
*
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
*
We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
  --DAN QUAYLE
*
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
*
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 
BUCKMINSTER FULLER 
*
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
*
No experiment is ever a complete failure, in as much as a well-written
account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
*
When an idea is wanting a word can always be found to take
its place.

J.W. von Goethe
*
Old truck drivers never die, they just get a new Peterbuilt.
*
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
Quia Costodiet Ipsos Custodes  (Who will watch the Guardians) 
*
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
 to get adapted to my kind of fooling"
 - R. Frost -
*
No poems can please long, nor live, which are written by water drinkers. 
- Horace 
*
Myth-conceptions are the major cause of wars! - A. Hitler
*
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end 
I wouldn't be surprised! 
*
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
*
The one time of the day you lean back and relax is  
the one time of the day the boss walks through the office. 
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are
so ingenious.
*
My dad told me, "Anything worth having is worth waiting for."
I waited until I was fifteen.
*
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
*
Evans' and Bjorn's Law:  
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would. 
*
None are more hopelessly enslaved than
those who falsely believe they are free.
*
WHAT THE HELL?
     This Muhmud Jamal guy...Police arrested him after a high speed
     chase in a stolen car, shot him as he tried to pull a gun, found
     rooms full of stolen goods in his apartment has now appeared in
     court pleading not guilty.
*
The problem with any unwritten law is that you
       don't know where to go to erase it.
*
The difference between antiques and junk is who's running the garage
sale.
*
43rd Law of Computing:
        Anything that can go wr
*
Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
*
Do married women make the best wives?
*
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday
shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
shopping bag.  If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
*
For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.
*
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and
nothingness.

Beckett
*
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
	as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
*
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not
worth knowing.
*
Lord keep us from wanting to know
What a higher high is
By having a lower low.
*
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
*
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
*
"There's nothing wrong with killing people, as long as the right people get
killed."                           - Dirty Harry
*
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
*
... a sheep in sheep's clothing ...
*
Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;
most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.
*
The First Law of Mechanics:
If it jams, force it.... 
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 
*
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
*
Furbling, v.:
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or
bank even when you are the only person in line.

Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
*
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for
curiosity.

Ellen Parr
*
It's easy to come and go...
The hard thing is to remain.
*
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you
are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
  --P.G. WODEHOUSE
*
A 27-year old Phoenix man was killed yesterday when a saguaro cactus he
shot fell on him, authorities said.
*
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
*
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
*
Would you, my dear young friends, like to be inside with the five wise
virgins or outside, alone and in the dark, with the five foolish ones?
*
Cheop's Law: Nothing _ever_ gets built on schedule or within budget.
*
Beauty is truth, truth beauty.

John Keats
*
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
will pick himself up and carry on..."
 - Winston Churchill -
*
Training a child is more or less a matter of pot luck.
*
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
*
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to
dread each day as it comes.

Donald Kaul
*
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
*
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
*
Cache:
	A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
is supposed to know is there.
*
German is the most extravagantly ugly language.  It sounds like someone
using a sick bag on a 747.
*
I don't think there are any men who are faithful to their wives.
*
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
*
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
*
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
*
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
                -- Hawkwind
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
*
No household item is ever completely lost; it's just waiting until you
forget what you wanted it for.
*
	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
*
TANSTAAFL!
*
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
*
On Maureen O'Hara:  She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth -
or anywhere else.
*
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
*
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
                -- Adlai Stevenson
*
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual
free trip around the Sun.
*
I ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY,
after the right time to say it has passed.
*
Real programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around
at 9am its because they were up all night.
*
Trust your computer but not its programmer
*
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
*
The wonderful thing about backseat driving is that you never make a mistake.
*
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than
    in nuclear power plants.
*
Physical love, forbidden as it was twenty or thirty years ago, has now
become boringly obligatory.
*
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so,
it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it 
isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 
- Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking Glass 
*
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
*
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
*
The difference between an orator and a bag of wind is whether you
agree with him or not.
*
To be ignorant of one's own ignorance is the malady of the ignorant. 
-A. B. Alcott 
*
Laws of Serendipity:

1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking
for something.
2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
be engaged in making an inferior one.
*
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
*
A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final
inspection.
*
A silence that's been graced by silence at Old Trafford this afternoon...
*
Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
*
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can
rely on it.
*
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which,
unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
*
If you marry you will regret it.  If you do not marry, you will also
regret it.
*
Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory?  They are
so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together.
  --GEORGE SANTAYANA
*
		-- Curtis Jackson
*
Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls
wisdom.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge
*
You know it's Monday, when you find a land-mine in your Corn Flakes.
*
Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
*
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time
to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
*
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
*
"The wages of sin are unreported."
*
Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
*
He not busy being born is busy dying.
  --BOB DYLAN
*
By the time a family pays off the mortgage
for a home in the suburbs, the home isn't home,
and the suburbs aren't suburbs.
*
There is no greater fan of the opposite sex,
and I have the bills to prove it.
*
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
*
You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
*
Do it today,
          Tomorrow it will be illegal.
*
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. 
-Claud Cockburn (1904-1981) 
*
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
*
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
*
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Notes:  1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen answer is
Four.  One to change the bulb.
*
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
*
The actual theory is that all life forms evolved from the lower levels
to the more advanced stages.
-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
*
Why buy a book when you can borrow one from the library?
*
Colvard's Logical Premises:
        All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or
        it won't.
*
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
*
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The
college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
rally their jaded spirits.  I would have the studies elective.
Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
interest in knowledge.  The wise instructor accomplishes this by
opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
himself.  The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
*
Fog Lamps, n.:
	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
	fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate
	that the driver's brain is in a fog.

	See also "Idiot Lights".
*
Meetings ... are rather like cocktail parties.  You don't want to go,
but you're angry not to be asked.
*
Sure there are dishonest men in local government!  But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
*
Another such victory and we are undone.
*
An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of
other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech
until it begins to pay off.
*
Witch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!
-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday," stardate unknown.
*
He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
*
... aloneness.  You are so alone.  You live out your lives in the
shell of flesh, self-contained, separate.  How lonely you are; how
terribly lonely.
-- Kollos, the Medusan Ambassador (through Spock), "Is There In
Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologize at once!
*
"Whatever you do, you'll regret it."
*
Hors d'oeuvres-- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
*
Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
*
Communists do it without class.
*
A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
*
"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package."
*
In case of fire,
   yell "FIRE!"
*
Love is an exchange of psychic energy.
*
Australian-based:   A person of diminished aspiration who has been
successfully bribed with grants and awards to resist
the lure of expatriation.
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
*
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
*
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever,"
stardate unknown
*
'Sub-' is no idle prefix in it's application to this continent.
*
"I'm not as old as I look - they switched babies at the hospital."
                                    - R.R.
*
And the news from Guadalajara, where the temperature is a staggering 96
degrees, is that Falcao is warming up.
*
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
*
   Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a
fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he
would live.
   After careful charting, she said, "I can't predict the exact date of
your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
   "And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
   "It does not matter." she replied.  "Any day that you die will be a
Jewish Holiday."
*
"Science is a collection of successful recipes."
*
"Far away, across the fields, the tolling of the iron bell
draws the faithful to their knees, with its softly spoken magic spell"
                                             Pink Floyd
                                            "Dark Side of the Moon"
*
Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Director of the US Patent Office 1899
*
Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is out of town.
*
Never copy what you can trace.
*
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"

Oscar Wilde
*
Willpower is the ability to eat one salted peanut.

Anon
*
To us, violence is unthinkable.
-- Ayleborne of Organia, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
My dad was the town drunk.  A lot of times that's not so bad -
but New York City?
*
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
*
"Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
multiline message byte.
	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
must be sent passive true.
	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
	(1)  The ANRS if DAV is false
	(2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
		(a)  The LADS is active
		(b)  Nor LACS is active"

		-- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
		   Programmable Instrumentation
*
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
*
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
  --DOLLY PARTON
*
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
*
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
*
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
*
You can take all the impact that science considerations have
on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a
flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony
Calio's heart.

F. Allen
*
"Pink isn't well, he stayed back at the hotel."
*
Stupid, n.:
Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
*
Every nation sincerely desires peace;
and all nations pursue courses which if persisted in,
must make peace impossible.

Sir Norman Angell
*
Success is a matter of luck; just ask any failure.
*
Even though one keeps his nose to the grindstone, it does not mean
   that he is good for anything besides cutting bread with his nose.
*
All women look the same in the dark.      --- Graffiti
*
Were it not for imagination, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as of a duchess.
*
We do not recommend the use of 'roman numerals' in western electric
information.
*
Optimization hinders evolution.
*
Time flies when you're not paying attention.
*
Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinions.
But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.

Bernard Baruch
*
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
*
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
*
It's a gorgeous gold pocket watch.  I'm proud of it.  My grandfather, on
his deathbed sold me this watch.
*
Valuable insights and your persuasive ability achieve results.
*
The House of Lords is a model of how to care for the elderly.
*
Nice guys get sick.
*
Nothing is less worthy of honor than an old man who has no other evidence of
having lived long except for his age.
  --SENECA (the Younger)
*
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
*
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
*
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
*
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
*
Henry Marsh, the tail-ender, is right at the back.
*
"Treat her like a lady and she'll always bring you home."
Adm. Leonard McCoy
*
To err is human. To really foul things up you need a computer.
*
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
*
You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within," stardate unknown.
*
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
                          --- Frank Zappa  <Famous American musician>
*
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The
white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
name had hilarious possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with
laughter, singing
	Half a pound of tuppenny rice
	Half a pound of treacle
	That's the way the chimney smokes
	Pope Goestheveezl
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
laughter streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for
hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
*
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
*
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the
streets after them.
  --BILL VAUGHN
*
                            Wolfpen Creek


                 How it was in that place, how light in
                            a bright pool
                 Of air like water, in an eddy of cloud
                               and sky
                I will long remember. I will long recall
                 The maples blossoming wings, the oaks
                           proud with rule,
              The spider's deep in silk, the squirrels fat
                              on mast,
              The fields and draws and coves where quails
                          and peewees call.
                 Earth loved more than any earth, stand
                           firm, hold fast
              Trees burdened with leaf and bird, root deep
                              grow tall.
*
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly,
because I may be going in the wrong direction.
*
All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room
alone.
  --PASCAL
*
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
*
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
*
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
  and he'll believe you.
Tell him that a bench has wet paint on it,
  and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
*
You know the day destroys the night; night divides the day.
Try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side. -- The Doors
*
"Courage is grace under pressure."
*
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married
woman.  It is something no married man knows anything about.
*
You will drink champagne and dance all night,
under electric candlelight.
*
It is the instinct of understanding to contradict reason. 
- Jacobi 
*
There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
*
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
*
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.

On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.

The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
so friendly.

The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.

Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
*
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
*
You will discover that you are actually from a small planet
somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and not from Guildford
as you have hitherto claimed.
*
THE FAMILY HOUR
     Larry and Carol Lasiko sat down with their children for a family
     viewing of The Story of Buttons the Bear, Rusty the Fox, and their
     Easter Adventures.  What came on the screen? A STEAMY HARD CORE
     PORN.  Summit Media Corporation is recalling over 20,000 copies
     of "Buttons".
*
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
*
The victor belongs to the spoils.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
*
"No matter where you go....
there you are!"
*
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
and crystallography weenies.
*
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts
forever.
*
You cannot dream yourself into a character;
you must forge one for yourself.

James Froude.
*
Moderation is for monks.
*
If you wants to get elected president, you've got to think
up some memorable homily so's school kids can be pestered
into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

Walt Kelly
*
The only difference between an unclear war
  and a nuclear war is the way you use the UN.
*
"To Do Is To Be."
         ----- Plato
"To Be Is To Do."
         ----- Voltaire
"Do Be Do Be Do."
         ----- Sinatra
*
Contains no user-serviceable parts.
*
By the aid of a few scientific discoveries, they have succeeded
in establishing a society which mistakes comfort for civilization.
*
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
*
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 
-Paul Erlich 
*
ERIC :  I was a pretty handy fighter in my youth.  I could lick any man
with one hand...
ERNIE : Really?
ERIC  : Yes.  Unfortunately, I could never find anyone with one hand who
wanted a fight.
*
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.

Ogden Nash
*
Why risk a hangover?  Stay Drunk!!
*
"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
them parched for wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you
stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
intelligence."
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
*
At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner of the kitchen
talking about Operating System security, and how to get around it.
*
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-- Carl Sandburg
*
UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible.
*
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long it was honor and offer.
*
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
*
"I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!"
*
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
*
Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.
*
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
*
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
*
Issawi's Laws of Progress:

	The Course of Progress:
		Most things get steadily worse.

	The Path of Progress:
		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
*
You will step on the soil of many countries.
*
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
*
Astronauts are out to launch.
*
Conquest is easy.  Control is not.
-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown.
*
"If they find you in the back seat trying to pick her locks,
they're gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box."
*
Gillenson's Law of Expectation: 
Never get excited over how people look from behind. 
*
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good
for dandruff--it is a palliative rather than a remedy.
  --PETER DE VRIES
*
Dead people are cool
*
Strike any key to continue.
*
If the facts are against you, argue the law; if the law is against you,
pound the table and yell like hell.
*
        SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
*
Hindsight is an exact science.
*
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
*
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is
a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it
is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month
whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time
for chocolate.

Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
*
Egotism is the drug that soothes the pain of stupidity.
*
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the
sword.
*
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin
person.
*
Men fear silence as they fear solitude,
because both give them a glimpse of the
terror of life's nothingness.
*
A king's castle is his home.
*
Is it wetter under water when it's raining?
*
When those stalls open, the horses are literally going to explode.
*
You will eat more chicken than any man ever seen.
*
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scroundrel.
*
Only a fool would stand in the way of progress.
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4725.4.
*
"Your cat is in great need of being confused."
*
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about
the heat.
*
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.
*
They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They
used intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used
finks.  They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used
fallaron.  They used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.
They used the bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.
They used treachery.  They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
They used applied physics.  They used techniques of criminology.  And
what the hell, they caught him.

		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
		   Tick-Tock Man"
*
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter.
*
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
*
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1329.8.
*
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
*
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects...
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
*
"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
parties.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
*
Americans like fat books and thin women
*
To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
secure ecological niche.
		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
*
Your answers are inside you. The answers to life's questions are inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
*
Dangerous drugs must be locked up with the ward sister.
*
"All things are difficult before they are easy."
*
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, 
if you don't use your thumbs. 
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, 
if you are all thumbs. 
*
The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a sorcerer's apprentice. - M. Mouse
*
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if
you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
*
They call him 'jigsaw' because every time he's faced with a problem he
goes to pieces.
*
If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good
chance of being a prophet.
*
Sadly, the only time I have the strength to end a love affair is when
I am no longer in love.
*
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
*
Hindsight is an exact science.
*
After all is said and done, sit down.

Bill Copeland
*
Politician, n.:
	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the
agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared
with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
*
The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total 
worldwide sales of pantyhose. 
- James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -
*
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the
wrong time.
*
Morality in sexual relations, when it is free from superstition, consists
essentially of respect for the other person, and unwillingness to use the
person solely as means of personal gratification, without regard to his or
her desires.
*
Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
*
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
        to.....to........uh..............
*
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior
to all others because you were born in it.

George Bernard Shaw
*
Any fool without the ability to share a laugh on himself 
will be unable to tolerate programming for long. 
- Weinberg, p.152 
*
If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked.
*
Be careful of reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
*
Ray's Rule of Precision:
        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
*
He who Laughs, Lasts.
*
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
*
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
*
Home is the place where, 
when you have to go there, 
They have to take you in.
-Robert Frost 
*
Infinity is a self-cancelling thought form.
*
To bring up a child in the way he should go,
travel that way yourself once in a while.
                          - Josh Billings
*
Pay no attention to what the critics say - no statue has ever been put
up to a critic.
*
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
*
There are three things my brother Chico is always on: a phone, a horse,
or a broad.
*
The true worth of a man is not to be found in man himself,
but in the colours and textures that come alive in others.

Albert Schweitzer
*
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with."
-- Tennessee Williams
*
Brother Maynard, read from the Book of Armaments.
*
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
 electrical cord.
*
A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never
remembers his age.
*
Time's fun when you're having flies.  - Kermit the Frog
*
The world is full of people looking for  
spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.
-DOUG LARSON 
*
The only dope worth shooting is Nixon.
*
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
*
"I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!"
*
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
*
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 
*
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free
the middle third?  Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a
bit string and assign the result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a
controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
passing it back?  Overlay three different types of variable on the same
memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a recursive macro?  Well,
no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language so obviously
designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
*
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
*
Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome [than a sense of
purpose], even among humans.
-- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
There's not a man in america who at one time or another hasn't had a secret
desire to boot a child in the ass.
*
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come
first.
*
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
*
That must be wonderful!  I dont understand it at all.
*
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
	As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
	By a finger entwined in his hair.

'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
	That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
	What I tell you three times is true.'
*
Wake up with a smile on your face, sleep with a coathanger in your mouth.
*
It's all right to hold a conversation, 
but you should let go of it now and then. 
-Richard Armour 
*
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of
other people have been left out of the pleasure.

Russell Baker
*
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
ARTHUR C CLARKE
*
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system
guru to Dayton?
Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
*
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
		-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
		   November 26, 1792
*
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
*
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
*
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.  That's
deep enough.  What do you want - an adorable pancreas?"
*
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
*
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
*
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
*
The Squirrels' Motto ("The Hell's Angels of Nature"):
 "Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!"
*
Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised.

Syrus
*
"Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles. The Earth does not have limbs
and muscles; therefore it does not move".
*
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by
it.

Duc de La Rochefoucauld
*
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
*
He talked with more claret than clarity.

Susan Ertz
*
Don't feed the bats tonight.
*
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
*
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
*
Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.
  --JEREMY BENTHAM
*
I speak of rights!  A machine has none; a man must.  If you do not
grant him that right, you have brought us down to the level of the
machine; indeed, you have elevated that machine above us!
-- Samuel T. Cogley, "Court Martial," stardate 2949.9.
*
Do not read this cookie under penalty of law.
*
When something defies description--let it. 
-ARNOLD H. GLASOW 
*
To do nothing is also a good remedy.

Hippocrates
*
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
object.
*
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear
"on the other hand..."
*
The shot from Laws was precise but wide.
*
Biology grows on you.
*
Second Law of Business Meetings:
        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        wrong, anyway.
*
The shortest distance between two points is under
construction.

Noelie Altito
*
One way to stop people from jumping down your throat is to keep your mouth
shut.
*
Love is the crocodile on the river of desire.
-Bhartrihari (ca. 625) 
*
Lackland's Laws:
        1.  Never be first.
        2.  Never be last.
        3.  Never volunteer for anything
*
I am ready to meet my maker.  Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
*
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
*
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
  --ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
*
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 
user-friendly.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take 
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover. 
- Bill Gates, Pres., Microsoft,Inc. - 
*
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
*
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
*
"A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous."
*
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
*
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
*
	Love's Drug

My love is like an iron wand 
	That conks me on the head,
My love is like the valium 
	That I take before my bed,
My love is like the pint of scotch 
	That I drink when I be dry;
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
	Until my wife is wise.
*
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
*
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left
to chance.

Robert R. Coveyou
Oak Ridge National Laboratory
*
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
JOHN LILLY
*
The concept seems to be clear by now.  It has been defined
      several times by example of what it is not.
*
Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out,
   BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
*
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
*
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
*
Why is it when married couples separate, they so often tend to blame each
other for the very qualities that attracted them to each other in the
first place.
*
I'm now at an age where I have to prove that I'm just as good as
I never was.
*
CPU time flies when you're having fun.
*
My love runs by like a day in June,
	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
	In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
		-- Dorothy Parker
*
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
*
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
*
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
	(1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
	     sleep in the wet spot.
	(2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
	     themselves.
	(3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
	     married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
	     your brother!
	(4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
	(5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
	     wet.
	(6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
	     boy".
	(7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
	(8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
	(9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
	     pillow.
	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
	     left it.
*
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win
you'r still a rat.

Lily Tomlin
*
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
*
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
  --OSCAR WILDE
*
Education ... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to
distinguish what is worth reading.
*
If god made mankind, who can you trust?
*
You are magnetic in your bearing.
*
Happiness is egg-shaped.
*
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.
*
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
*
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
*
The only vice that cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy.
The repentance of a hpyocrite is itself hypocrisy.
*
Education with inert ideas is not only
useless; it is above all things harmful.

Alfred North Whitehead
*
Steinbach's Guideline:  
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 
*
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home,
but unlike charity, it should end there.
- Clare Boothe Luce
*
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.

LaRouchefoucauld
*
Haggis, n.:
	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
	considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
	consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep,
	calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal,
	sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag
	and ... Excuse me a minute ...
*
Oh, baby, you knnooow what I LIKE!
*
Man is a social animal who dislikes his fellow beings.
*
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
*
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.

Ogden Nash
*
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when
going on cruise.
*
Divorces are made in heaven.
*
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the
same mistakes.
-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
*
The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm.
*
"Remember, peasants, it's not a disgrace to be poor,
only to dress like it!" -- Zorro, the Gay Blade
*
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
*
When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions --
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum
of what it was taught, thinks independently.
-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just
stops you from enjoying it.
*
Law of the Office: 
Important letters which contain no errors 
will develop errors in the mail. 
*
I have learned to spell hors d'oeuvres, 
Which grates on many people's nerves. 
*
Living with a saint is more gruelling than being one.
*
Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian?
*
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.  The older she gets,
the more interest he takes in her.
*
Happiness is a hard disk.
*
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
*
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
*
Gumperson's Law:  
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
*
This cookie is void where prohibited, licensed, or taxed.
*
Handle all business ventures with discretion so you do not end up a
loser.
*
Virtue is its own punishment.
*
The basic fact about human existance is not that it is a tragedy,
but that it is a bore.
*
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
*
Tramps like us, baby, we were born to run.
*
Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain.
*
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

F. Nietzsche
*
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble
purpose.

A. P. Herbert
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*
Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.  My sin, my soul.
*
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
*
My girlfriend just found out she's been taking aspirin instead of
the pill.  Well, at least she doesn't have a headache - but I do.
*
"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage."
---H.L. Mencken
*
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
*
You can change without improvement, but you can not improve without change.
*
Todd's Political Principle: 
No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money.
*
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
*
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
*
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
*
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him,
that's where the money is.

Robespierre
*
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances
is bound to occur.
*
"Young gorillas are friendly but they soon learn."
*
"Man has lost the capacity to forsee and forestall.
He will end by destroying the earth."
Albert Schweitzer
*
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its real name.
*
I'm changing my name to Chrysler
I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
I'll tell some power broker
	What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
I'm heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
	I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!
*
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
*
Charnock's Law:  
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
*
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.  
  --OSCAR WILDE
*
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
*
Lake Erie died for your sins.
*
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
                -- Roy Santoro
*
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that works.
*
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist,
and too rich to be a communist.
*
Faith is a fine invention,
   For gentlemen who see;
But microscopes are prudent
   In an emergency.
       ----- Emily Dickinson
*
If the second half is anything like the first, England will certainly be
defending the goal to our right.
*
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
  --DAN QUAYLE
*
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
*
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping centre in the world?
*
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend
the fire.
*
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
*
Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same thing.
*
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
*
If you're angry, count to ten.  If you're really angry, swear!
*
A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.
*
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
*
Do something unusual today.  Accomplish work on the computer.
*
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
*
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
- Arthur Calwell, 1968
*
Old frogs never die,
    But they do croak!
*
          Walk on a rainbow trail; walk on a trail of song,
                 And all about you will be beauty.
      There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail.
                                        ---Navajo song
*
I have a MASTER'S Degree (in SCIENCE!)
*
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

G J Nathan
*
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
*
If you continually give you will continually have. 
*
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
*
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3
*
Some things can't be ravished.  You can't ravish a tin of sardines.
*
That's not a bug. It's supposed to do that.
*
If you really want to let the rest of the world go by, make sure you drive
within the speed limit.
*
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
*
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
*
You will triumph over your enemy.
*
You will be awarded some great honor.
*
We are none of us wise; we are all on the way to wisdom.
*
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
*
Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.
*
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
*
Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
is particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined,
myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
the trade.  But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You
will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
dead as a door-nail.
*
Only people who look dull ever get into the House of Commons,
and only people who are dull ever succeed there.
*
If I don't know I don't know, I think I know.  If I don't know I know 
I know, I think I don't know. 
- R.D. Laing 
*
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing,
there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
*
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
 - Walt Kelly (in POGO) -
*
If you aren't part of the solution, then you are part of the precipitate.
*
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
*
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
and tell them your house is being burgled.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
*
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are
not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not
refer to reality.

Albert Einstein
*
Keep America Beautiful....  emigrate.
*
They never let you live it down. One little mistake! - Nero
*
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
tub to face is up.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
The only thing more reliable than magik is one's friends! - MacBeth
*
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?-

Ursula K. LeGuin
*
Power corrupts the few,
while weakness corrupts the many.
*
*
"If you think before you speak, the other fellow gets his joke in first."
*
Clothe an idea in words and it loses its freedom of
movement.

Egon Friedell
*
Alex, unlike many other professional players, adds a bit on his cue rather
than put on an extension.
*
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the
one I've never tried before.

MAE WEST
*
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
*
One man has never been married, and that's his hell;
another is, and that's his plague.
*
No one can guarantee the actions of another.
-- Spock, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
See you in the movies!
*
Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
*
You're a sort of Rupert Murdoch of Australia, aren't you?
*
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
*
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
*
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of
reason.

Oscar Wilde
*
On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
*
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It turned itself in.
*
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
*
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
*
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves
and robbers there will be.

Lao Tsu
*
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
*
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
passing through civilization in between.
*
I really look with commiseration over the great body of my 
fellow citizens who, reading newspapers, live and die in 
the belief that they have known something of what has been 
passing in the world in their time. 
-Harry S Truman 
*
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
*
"The Beatles - We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the 
way out."
*
"The paper holds their folded faces to the floor,
and every day the paper boy brings more." -- Pink Floyd
*
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability
to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
*
"Dear Mr. Fantasy, play us a tune,
something to make us all happy.
Do anything, take us out of this gloom.
Sing a song, play guitar, make it snappy."
*
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
                                   - Han Solo
*
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
*
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life
that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
*
There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light
objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
*
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady?
*
Fortune Cookie says: Don't look back, always look ahead.
*
		Another Glitch in the Call
		------- ------ -- --- ----
	(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)

We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?

	Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!

Chorus:
	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.

*
Down with categorical imperative!
*
"Got a monkey on my back; a muh-muh-muh-muh-monkey on my
back-back, back-back ...
...nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nobody's fault but mine" -- Led Zeppelin
*
When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic.
*
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        question back at him.
*
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
and philosophy begins in wonder.

Socrates
*
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
*
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
*
The man who is swimming against the
stream knows the strength of it.

Woodrow Wilson
*
The Noah principle-- No more prizes for predicting rain.  Prizes only for
building arks.
*
Homosexuality is a sickness, just as are baby rape or wanting to become
head of General Motors.
*
Love enters man through the eyes, woman through her ears.
*
Nothing is always.
*
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will
fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
*
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
*
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
    I found a pile of them over in the corner.
*
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
                --Oscar Wilde
*
If it's more than you need, it's greed.
*
The existing (world money) system...
Creates poverty... and is the root cause of war.
*
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat
each other.
*
Save Soviet Jews!
    Collect them or trade them with your friends.
*
Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and  
corrected, it will be found to have been correct originally. 
*
	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated
thoughtfully.  "An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY
advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
	"Too proud?" the other enquired.
	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
		-- Lewis Carroll
*
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free."
*
Deploring change is the unchangeable habit of all Englishmen
*
You have a truly strong individuality.
*
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
*
He that won't be counselled, can't be helped.
*
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
*
Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which
deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense.
  --CARL SAGAN
*
As scarce as truth is, the supply 
has always been in excess of the demand. 
-Josh Billings (1818-1885) 
*
Grab them by the balls--the hearts and minds will follow.
*
The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
*
Sex is like euchre; if you don't have a partner,
   you'd better have a good hand!
*
I don't trust men who smile too much.
-- Commander Kor the Klingon, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true."
*
A girl's best friend are her legs, but even best friends must sometimes
be parted.
*
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
*
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind
of fooling"
*
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
*
When she gets there she knows,
if the stores are all closed,
with a word she can get what she came for.
*
Man does not live by words alone,
despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Adlai Stevenson
*
On a clear disk, you can seek forever!
*
Remind me never to put off until tomorrow the things I've already put off
until today.
*
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
*
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
*
You are next in line for promotion in your firm.
*
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
*
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain
dealing.
*
First Rule of Superiority: 
Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them. 
*
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school
called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to
learn new lessons. You may like the lessons or find them irrelevant
and stupid.
*
May I never be misanthropic.
*
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
*
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
*
Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them.
*
I wish the Government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
*
A light supper, a good night's sleep, and a fine morning have often made
a hero out of the same man, who, by indiscretion, a restless night, and a
rainy morning would have proved a coward.
*
"America did not invent human rights.  In a very real sense,
it is the other way around.  Human rights invented America."
*
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
*
Discovery consists of seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking
what no one else has thought.
  --ALBERT SZENT-GYORGI
*
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
*
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.
*
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless
manner, you have learned how to live.
  --LIN YUTANG
*
Rockefeller's Principle:  
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing. 
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated
some woman out of a divorce.

Don Quinn
*
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.-

H. L. Mencken
*
In the autumn of 1983 a tape recording of a telephone conversation
between President Reagan and Prime Minister Thatcher was sent
anonynmously to newspapers in various parts of the world.  A covering
note claimed that the tape was a recording of a crossed line on which
was heard part of the two leaders' telephone conversation.
     In January, 1984 the story was taken up by the Sunday Times and
the San Francisco Chronicle.  The Sunday Times described the tape as
part of a KGB propaganda war.  The U.S. State Department said that the
tape was evidence of "an increasingly sophisticated Russian
disinformation campaign."
     In fact the tape was made by members of the anarchist punk rock
group Crass.  The tape had been produced by using parts of T.V. and
radio broadcasts made by the two leaders, then overdubbed with
telephone noises.
*
God is a polythiest
*
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
*
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
*
"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
"Sure.  Whaddya got?" -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
*
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
*
Niagara is only the second biggest disappointment of the standard honeymoon.
*
HOSTESS: Are you enjoying yourself?
OSCAR:   I have to - there's nothing else to enjoy.
*
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
*
"Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up."
*
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
  --FRED ALLEN
*
Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about
another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about
yourself.
*
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
*
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just
another life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Sparing your helpless enemy who surely would have destroyed you, you
demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy, something we hardly expected.
We feel that there may be hope for your kind.  Therefore you will
not be destroyed.  It would not be civilized.
-- The Metron, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

W.C. Fields
*
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
*
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men
become insensitive.
-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
"Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!"
*
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
*
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
*
GOD IS DEAD - Nietzsche
NIETZSCHE IS DEAD - God
*
If God had been in favor of homosexuality,
     He never would have created Anita Bryant!
*
Zola Budd: so small, so waif-like, you literally can't see her.
But there she is.
*
The English have no respect for their language, and will not
teach their children to speak it.

G. B. Shaw
*
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
*
He knew everything about literature, except how to enjoy it.
*
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
*
One man's bug is another man's feature.
*
Fame has also this great drawback, that if we pursue it  
we must direct our lives in such a way as to please the 
fancy of men, avoiding what they dislike and seeking 
what is pleasing to them. 
-Spinoza 
*
I'm at that age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
*
Who will protect the public when the police violate the law?
- Ramsey Clark
*
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were
right, they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its
pleasures.  I feel it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
-- Apella, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?
*
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
*
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        cork makes when it is popped.
*
"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure."
*
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        your toes.
*
He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he
will do very few things at all.
*
A day can be brightened by seeing someone a little plumper than you
are.
*
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
*
Justice:  A decision in your favor.
*
We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an
official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
Flu".  You may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish
you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
said "ELECTROCUTION".

Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
floor, which is how the police would find you.

You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
*
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
*
"The ultimate censorship is the click of the dial."
---Tommy Smothers
*
Justice is incidental to law and order. 
-J. Edgar Hoover 
*
It takes about ten years to get used to how old we are.
*
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
help out in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second
basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
considering whether there were men on base.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
*
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
*
TTFN!
*
Time: That which man is always trying to kill,
but which ends in killing him.

Herbert Spencer
*
The reason grandparents and grandchildren
get along so well is that they have a common enemy. 
-Sam Levenson (1911-1980) 
*
I'm a hacker--I don't know the meaning of sleep.
*
As the climbing up a sandy way is to the feet of the aged, so is a wife
full of words to a quiet man.
  --HEBREW ADAGE
*
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
*
Cole's Law: 
Thinly sliced cabbage. 
*
It is the final proof of God's omnipotence
that he need not exist in order to save us.          
*
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many
scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
*
You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking
thoughts.
*
"If today were a fish, I'd throw it back in!"
*
There's only one kind of woman....
Or man, for that matter.
You either believe in yourself or you don't.
-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1330.1.
*
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
*
Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
*
In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king.

Desiderius Erasmus
*
Women were born without a sense of humour - so they could love men and not
laugh at them.
*
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
                -- Elbert Hubbard
*
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
*
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
*
A boy becomes a man
    when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.
*
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

GRAFFITI
*
Congregation members wanted.  No experience necessary.
*
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
*
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
*
Originality is the art of concealing your sources. 
*
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there
himself.
*
Christmas is the time for giving...
                           ...the cold you caught playing in the snow
*
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
*
There is no expedient to which a man will not go
to avoid the real labor of thinking. 
*
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth."
*
Never tell people 'how' to do things.
Tell them 'what' to do
and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

General George S. Patton
*
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very
good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

Dick Brandon
*
Do as I say, not as I do!
                            - John Selden  1584 - 1654
*
Behind every arguement is someone's ignorance.
*
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
*
If there is anything a public servant hates to do
it's something for the public.

Kin Hubbard
*
I'm so nervous, I just sit and smile.
*
Wealth buys leisure, but not wisdom.
*
The best things in life aren't things!
*
If it is the only survivor of a dead race, to kill it would be a crime
against science.
-- Spock, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
*
I like naked ladies - one at a time, in private.
*
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...
...a good reason and the real reason.
*
I'm delighted.  The uglier we are the better we get.
*
But first, are you experienced? -- Jimi Hendrix
*
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of 
the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
*
You need not worry about your future.
*
Very few things happen at the right time and the rest do not happen 
at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 
-Herodotus (484-425 BC) 
*
The believer is happy; the doubter is wise.
  --HUNGARIAN PROVERB
*
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
*
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time.
*
In anguish we uplift 
A new unhallowed song: 
The race is to the swift; 
The battle to the strong. 
-John Davidson (1857-1909) 
*
I was a beautiful little boy, and evryone had me - men, women, dogs and
fire hydrants.
*
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
*
ALIASES, DISGUISES AND MURDER. SHE'S KNOWN AS BAT GIRL
     Sacramento police are looking for athletic 20-year-old Michelle
     Cumminsky. She's tall, green eyed and has a ring of bats tattooed
     around her left upper arm. On her neck is a tattoed vampire bite
     complete with blood drippings. Police have named her Bat Girl and
     she is wanted for questioning for two possible murders in the
     Sacramento area.
*
You can't be afraid of stepping on toes if you want to go dancing.
*
When I know something, I have no reason to believe it.
*
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
*
What is patriotism but the love of the food one ate as a child?
*
It is pleasant to believe oneself unhappy  
when in fact one is merely idle and bored.  
-Alfred de Musset 
*
It's life, Jim; but, not as WE know it.
                     First Officer Spock
*
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.
The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could
drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done
it.

Andy Rooney
*
Q. How many Flagship (Research Group) people does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A. 30. One to hold the bulb and 29 to apply the room to the bulb.
*
Do you think you'll be the guy to make the Queen of the Angels sigh?
*
The day of individual happiness has passed.

Adolf Hitler
*
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Mae West
*
"Quarrel with a friend - and you are BOTH wrong."
                              --- Lao-Tzu, Chinese Philosopher
                                  (570 B.C. - 490 B.C.)
*
In the blackout they dance; rock into the aisles,
and as the doors fly open even the promoter smiles.
Someone takes his pants off and the rafters knock.
Rock is dead, they say ............... LONG LIVE ROCK!
*
I happen to know quite a lot about the south.  Spent twenty years there
one night.
*
Give me a fish and I will eat today.  Teach me to fish and I will eat
forever.
*
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
*
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 
*
In the elder days of Art, 
Builders wrought with greatest care 
Each minute and unseen part; 
For the Gods see everywhere. 
-Longfellow 
*
GOD may have created the World in 6 days, but he didn't have to do it
in triplicate.
*
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
*
Remember the poor - it costs nothing.

Josh Billings
*
Magpie, n.:
A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that
it might be taught to talk.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
*
Lt. Uhura says:'Subspace Communications-
     It's the next best thing to beaming there!'
*
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
be general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
guaranteed thereby not to be a science.  He would cite as examples
Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
Science, Social Science, and Computer Science.  Discuss the generality
of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
power.
		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
		   Thinking."
*
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W. C. Fields
*
Lady Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee.
Winston Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.
*
On a slow day, you can wait forever.
*
Gyroscope, n.:
	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
	free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
	each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of
	the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
	torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
	entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
	the angular momentum to any torque that would change the
	direction of the axis of spin.
		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
*
IS HE STILL A MAN?
     Being a robber can be injurious to your health. In Pittsburgh, Pa.,
     a gunman held up a gas station then tucked the pistol in his belt.
     The gun discharged and the man ran away screaming real loud. Did
     he lose 'em??
*
An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.
*
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
*
All programmers want arrays!
*
A minute contains 60 seconds unless it's preceded by "Just a".
*
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but thats the way to bet.
DAMON RUNYON
*
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
*
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
*
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
*
"A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea."
-- John Ciardi
*
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
*
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizarrely
inexplicable."

There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
		-- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
*
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who
manage what they do not understand.
*
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
*
A man's friends like him but leave him as he is: his wife loves him and
is always trying to turn him into somebody else.
*
You know it's going to be a bad day when
  ...your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  ...you wake up face down on the pavement.
*
"Education is more than a luxury; it is a responsibility that
society owes to itself."
*
If you can look in the mirror without laughing, you have no sense of
humor.
*
During the ex-president Reagan's routine medical check-up, physicians at the
Mayo clinic were surprised to find brain in his fluids.

A weekend surgery is scheduled to remove it.
*
Seven prayerless days make one spiritually weak.
*
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts
when you have forgotten your aim.
*
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
        as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
*
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
*
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
*
Chivalry:  going about releasing beautiful maidens from other men's castles,
and taking them back to your own castle.
*
When life knocks you to your knees, you are in position to pray.
*
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a
real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never
pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
*
If it weren't for the last minute I'd never get anything done.
*
The things most people want to know are usually none of their business.
*
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
*
Poverty begins at home.
*
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow
*
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the
responsibility for its termination on someone else
(i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).
*
Beat unemployment - Vote labour.
*
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622.  One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
minor variation of it!
*
"I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby." -- Joan Jett
*
Anyone who has begun to think 
places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
- John Dewey - 
*
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
*
The God's play games with men as balls.
*
A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed.
*
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
*
Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic
bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.
*
A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.

Marilyn Monroe
*
CAN A DOG SUE?
     Democratic Representative of Jersey City, N.J. Went quail hunting
     with some other political cronies, and he really pulled a boo-boo.
     Shot the hunting dog in the ass. The dog is reported in good shape.
*
The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and
moving to a new town.
*
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
*
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
*
A friend in need is a pest. - Fafird
*
If you can sing when you are sad, others can be sad with you.
*
I think it would be a good idea. 
*
If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever
you hit, call it the target.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
*
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something
else.
*
"The major difficulty in cutting down on government expenses
is that the expenses have the votes."
*
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
*
In times like these, it is helpful to remember
that there have always been times like these.
- Paul Harvey
*
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
*
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have
already paid may disregard this fortune).
*
I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I
*
It is against the grain of modern education to teach
children to program. What fun is there in making plans,
acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting
attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?

Alan Perlis
*
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere
pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.
  --DOROTHY PARKER
*
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
*
The Atomic Age is here to stay - but are we?

Bennet Cerf
*
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
*
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
*
When Quinn the Eskimo gets here, everybody's gonna jump for joy.
*
Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy
and it's still the same song.
-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1330.1.
*
More than at any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness; the other to total
extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
  --WOODY ALLEN
*
In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
*
Peanut Blossoms

4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt

Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
hell of a lot.
*
There are two sorts of losers -- the good loser, and the one who
can't act.
*
"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."
Sydney J. Harris
*
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
*
The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one
person.
*
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. 
- H. L. Mencken 
*
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
	"Well, how about Mercury?"
	"No, it's too hot there."
	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
	"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
*
One of the Commerce Departments new rules is certain to raise eyebrows.
Known officially as section 5999B of the Commodity Control List, it
authorizes the unlicenced export to Australia, Japan, New Zealand and
NATO member countries of items described as "specially designed 
implements of torture."  When asked about the new category, one Commerce
spokesman said that the implements included things like "thumbscrews and
cattle prods -- just routine items for the police."
*
If it screams, it's not food. 
*
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
*
The heights by great men reached and kept 
Were not attained by sudden flight, 
But they, while their companions slept, 
Were toiling upward in the night. 
-Longfellow 
*
A smile costs nothing to give
It enriches those who receive without
Making poorer those who give
It takes but a moment, but the memory of it
sometimes lasts forever

None is so rich or so mighty that he can get
along without it, and none is so poor but
that he can be made rich by it.
A smile creates happiness in the home,
fosters good will in business and is the
countersign of friendship.

It brings rest to the weary cheer to the
discouraged sunshine to the sad and it is
nature's best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought begged or borrowed
or stolen, for it is something of no
value to anyone until it is given away.

Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
Give them one of yours as none
needs a smile so mich as he who has
no more to give.
*
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw
another party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to
avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
having another one ...

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure
that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting
someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
			-- Dave Barry,  "Rating Your New Year's Eve Party"
*
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.
*
Hot time, summer in the city.  Back of my neck feeling dirty and gritty.
*
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
*
"All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players,
performers and portrayers.  Each another's audience outside
the gilded cage." -- Rush
*
I can resist anything but temptation.
*
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
                -- Oscar Wilde
*
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
*
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
*
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that's not being talked about.
*
Topologists are just plane folks.
   Pilots are just plane folks.
      Carpenters are just plane folks.
         Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
            Musicians are just playin' folks.
               Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
                  Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
*
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when
he has a hole in his head.
*
He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors.
*
Dear Miss Manners:
	Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
	your face.
Gentle Reader:
	Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
	your face ...
*
I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
*
You can't steal second base and keep one foot on first. 
*
Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
*
Any person under the age of thirty, who having any
knowledge of the existing social order, is not a
revolutionist, is an inferior.
*
To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother.

Victor Hugo
*
CRAYOLAS KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES
     High-Tech hues and metallic sheen are amongst the crayons you
     can buy today. These are special effect crayons according to
     the Crayola company. Just the right colors for rockets, satellites,
     and space stations, things kids are drawing now-days. As with the
     cost of high technology, these crayons will cost about 40% more.
*
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
*
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
*
If ignorance isn't bliss, I don't know what is.
*
We exist in a universe which co-exists with a multitude of others in the
same physical space.  For certain brief periods of time, an area of
their space overlaps an area of ours.
-- Spock, "The Tholian Web," stardate 5693.2.
*
The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting.
It has been found difficult, and left untried.
*
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
  --LEWIS MUMFORD
*
You enjoy the company of other people.
*
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head;
					We buried him today because
					As far as we can tell, he's dead.
		-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
		   Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
		   Schickele
*
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
hammer or get a splinter in it.
*
Congratulations, we knew you had it in you.
*
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
*
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
CHORUS:
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
		(chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
		(chorus)
*
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
     if you don't use your thumbs.
*
Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught
*
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
*
The hardness of butter increases in direct proportion to the softness
of the bread.
*
These shells in which we have encased ourselves -- they have such
heightened senses.  To feel, to hear, to smell.  How do humans manage to
exist in these fragile cases?
-- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money out of it.
                  - Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)
*
The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
  --LILY TOMLIN
*
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
*
There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.
*
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
*
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
*
Most of the greatest evils that man has inflicted upon man
have come through people feeling quite certain about
something which, in fact, was false.
*
You are capable of planning your future.
*
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam
he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky
peanut butter.
*
Between cheap and expen$ive is the truth.
*
I'll decide when I write my obituary.
*
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
*
Boren's Laws:
(1) When in charge, ponder.
(2) When in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.
*
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
- Andr‚ Gide
*
A university is what a college becomes when
the faculty loses interest in students.

John Ciardi
*
No matter how well a toupee blends in at the back, it always looks like
hell at the front.
*
The time is past.  There is no room for gods.
-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
"And so it was, later, as the miller told his tale,
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale" -- Procol Harum
*
Look at these three words written larger than all the rest, and with
special pride never written before or since -- tall words, proudly
saying "We the people" .. these words and the words that follow ...
must apply to everyone or they mean nothing.
-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
*
Procrastination:  The art of keeping up with yesterday.
*
England were beaten in the sense that they lost.
*
It is a desirable thing to be well-descended, but the glory belongs
to our ancestors.
                            - Plutarch
*
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant
to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a soap
bubble?
*
You understand human nature and sympathize with its weakness.
*
Why don't you come up some time and see me?
*
What is defeat? Nothing but education,
nothing but the first step toward something better.

Wendell Phillips
*
"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me."
-- Camillo Di Cavour
*
BIT - The quantum of misinformation.
*
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no
more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near
relation.

Oscar Wilde
*
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman as bad as she
dares.

Elbert Hubbard
*
"Yabba dabba doo" -- F. Flintstone
*
God is subtle but he is not malicious - A. Einstein
*
B C N U  *salute*
*
...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
  --AMBROSE BIERCE
*
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
*
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
*
All men are rapists and that's all they are.  They rape us with their eyes,
their laws and their codes.
*
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 
*
Think all you speak,
but speak not all you think.
*
I'd like to be a balanced human being, but I find that a very difficult goal.
*
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better
dead.
*
"Never laugh at live dragons."  -- Bilbo Baggins
             (From The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien)
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
static cling."
*
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex,
incomprehensible truth.
*
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
*
We have met the enemy and he is us
*
Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.
*
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
   capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
*
Computer Scientists do it bit-by-bit
*
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
*
Misster, do you vant to buy a duck.
*
Constants aren't;  variables don't.
*
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on
the way to your execution is not generally understood by less
advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.

"Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
*
Life is like a sewer; what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
                                                -- Tom Lehrer
*
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
*
Crazy way to travel.  Spreading a man's molecules all over the universe.
-- McCoy, "Obsession," 3620.7.
*
It is better to copulate than never.
*
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
*
Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
                                    - Talullah Bankhead
*
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
*
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
statistics.  These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
displays.  What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
down anything he damn well pleases.
		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
*
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that
wasn't immune to bullets"

The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
*
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
*
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.

M.C. Reed.
*
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
nightgowns do with keeping warm.
*
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
*
I know it's only rock and roll, but I like it, like it, yes I do!
*
Where law ends, tryanny begins.
  --WILLIAM PITT
*
A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord 
would do if He knew the facts of the case. 
-Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936) 
*
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal
disease.
*
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
*
This year's new Baby Jesus Doll -- available in three models (Anglo, 
black, Hispanic) -- comes with battery-operated Glo-in-the-Dark halo.
The cost:  $31.50
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest!"
*
Exigencies create the necessary ability to meet and conquer
them.

Wendell Phillips
*
An American's a person who isn't afraid to
  criticize the President - but is always
  polite to traffic cops.
*
Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is
electricity?

And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
*
Once you understand how to write a program get someone else to write it.
*
Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
*
Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools
confer degrees.
*
      x        n
    Se   = f(u)
*
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
*
The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich 
as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg 
in the streets, and to steal bread. 
-Anatole France 
*
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards
upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
H. L. Mencken -
*
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
*
It is easier to get by in times of no money with dope than in times of no
dope but with money.
                            - Crumb  circa 1970
*
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.---- Carl Sandburg
*
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. 
-GRAFFITI 
*
What is pornography to one man is the laughter of genius to another.
*
Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs his roots.
*
90% of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client. -X Hollander
*
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
*
If I believe in solipsism, then aren't my loved ones a mere projection
of my self?
*
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
                -- Peggy Joyce
*
I want to be what I was when I started to be what I am now.
*
I can feel it.  My mind.  It's going, Dave.  I can feel it.
*
Life is...life is...life is...a kumquat.......What?  You mean it isn't?
*
THE WHOLE JURY HAS TO LOOK AT MY PENIS?
     In Athens, Georgia, a man tried for the molestion of a 16
     year old boy had to drop his pants in front of the whole
     jury to prove his innocence.  The boy testified the molester
     was circumsized. The accused had to prove he was not
     guilty because he had a foreskin. Not guilty!
*
To be is to do.
        -- I. Kant
To do is to be.
        -- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
        -- F. Flinstone
God is Dead
        -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
        -- God
Nietzsche is God
        -- Dead
*
Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
*
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.  Albert Einstein
*
It works better if you plug it in.
*
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
*
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet as to be purchased
at the price of chains and slavery?
- Patrick Henry
*
Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
*
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
*
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
*
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
*
You will receive money for nothing, and your chicks for free.
*
"Death is nothing at all.  I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.  Whatever we were to each other, that we are
still......Heal guilt.  Regrets bring space between us."
*
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
I grow up.
  --PETER DRUCKER
*
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
        Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
NBC news states, " 'TODAY' is a presentation of NBC news."  Imagine if that were
*
I have to believe in something to make it reality.
*
Many a man in love with a dimple makes 
the mistake of marrying the whole girl. 
-Stephen Leacock 
*
Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline
pursued with passion.
*
God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to
take his place.

Dr J D McCoughey
*
Main's Law:
        For every action there is an equal and opposite government
        program.
*
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of
man he is ..."
*
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
*
Egotist, n.:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
IBM had a PL/I,
        Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
        It was a total loss.
System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
        Its monitor loses so totally!
        It runs all its programs in RPG!
        It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
*
Any event, once it has occurred,
can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.

Lee Simonson
*
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
 - "Oh, Lucky Man" -
*
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun
is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.--

Mark Twain
*
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
*
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
*
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
*
Truth forever on the scaffold, 
Wrong forever on the throne. 
-J. R. Lowell (1819-1891) 
*
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch St.
Elsewhere', won't scream, FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
HAW"!!'"
-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
*
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
*
The goal of all inanimate objects 
is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
-Russell Baker 
*
There is much to be said for failure.  It is more interesting than success.
*
MARIN JUDGES JUST WON'T BUY YOUR TRAFFIC EXCUSES.
     So you get a ticket and go to court thinking the judge will be
     lenient because you took the time to appear. Uh! Uh! Out of
     4,320 people appearing before Marin judges, only 193 got off
     the hook.
*
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last
step of doing away with computers altogether?"

Jehan Shuman
*
Professionals build the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.
*
Superstition is foolish, childish, primitive and irrational---but how
much does it cost you to knock on wood?
*
Matsch's Law: 
It's better to have a horrible ending that to have horrors without end 
*
Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
*
New Delhi, India (AP) -- Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern
Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a
government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity.
     The commission that banned the festival was set up after a
confrontation a year ago between opponents of nude worship and the
naked devotees.  Members of the pro-modesty faction tried to clothe
the worshippers, but were instead stripped by the devotees.
     Several policemen and some journalists were also stripped, which
contributed to a state-wide protest.
*
Epigrams are macros, since they are executed at read time.
*
An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.
*
I only know two tunes.  One of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other isn't.
*
Spouse, n.:
Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
*
SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
*
Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll
probably get another chance later on.
*
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international
anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick
succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to
stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even
better, nobody has to play it.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
*
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
*
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the
best.

Oscar Wilde
*
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.
-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness. 
-Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) 
*
The most cooperative man in this world is a dead man.
-- Bela Oxmyx, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown.
*
He that has a white horse, and a fair woman, is never without trouble.
*
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
*
Gravity doesn't exist, the earth sucks.
*
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

George Saunders' dying words
*
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
                -- Anatole France
*
"Anything that keeps a politician humble is healthy for democracy."
*
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can
do in an hour.
*
You never want to give a man a present when he's feeling good.  You want
to do it when he's down.
*
gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
*
Scott's second Law:
	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
	to have been wrong in the first place.

Corollary:
	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
	impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
	equation.
*
Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired.  My heart is sad and sick.  From where
the sun now stands I will fight no more forever.
  --CHIEF JOSEPH
*
I reserve my abuse for lower life forms, like Civil Servants.
*
You will have long and healthy life.
*
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
*
Oh, when I was in love with you,
	Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
	How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
	And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
	Am quite myself again.
		-- A. E. Housman
*
Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.
*
Rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't
talk, for people who can't read.
*
"I never saw the good side of the city
'til I hitched a ride on a riverboat queen.
Big wheels keep on turnin'.  Proud Mary keep on burnin'.
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river." -- John Fogarty (C.C.R.)
*
Science without religion is lame,
religion without science is blind.
*
Sattinger's Law:  
It works better if you plug it in. 
*
Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far.
*
For those about to rock: we salute you. -- AC/DC
*
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
- George Bernard Shaw -
*
Truman's Maxim:
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
*
Majority, n.:
That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
*
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...
and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled
labor.

Wernher von Braun
*
Only the artist can turn the "not yet" into reality.
*
My mind to me a kigdom is;
Such present joys therin I find,
That it excels all other bliss
That earth affords or grow by kind:
Though much I want that most would have,
Yet still my mind forbids to crave
Some have too much yet still do crave.
I have little and seek no more:
They are but poor, though much they have,
And I am rich with little store:
They poor, I rich, They beg, I give;
They lack, I have, they pine, I live.
*
Please take note:
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out".  Once punched
out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
and such.
		-- N. Meyrowitz
*
"Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing,
knew that nobody had said it before him."
*
Politics is the conduct of public affairs
for private advantage.
*
When garbage is put into a computer, garbage will come back out, but that
garbage having passed through an expensive machine has somehow become enobled
and not to be argued with.
*
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
*
Today is the last day of your life so far.
*
This place is so weird that the cockroaches
have moved next door.
*
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all have Porches; I must make amends. -- Janis Joplin
*
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
                -- Jerome Lettvin
*
The plural of spouse is spice.
*
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
*
Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some
*
I get no respect from my wife.  She kisses the dog, but she won't
drink out of my glass."
  --RODNEY DANGERFIELD
*
All I hope, is to be able to laugh when I die. - Leiji Matsumoto
*
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays
out of the way.
*
I had a real bad day today; I had to re-rivit my pizza cutter!
                                       - Steve Hart
*
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
... HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think
we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was
driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
conversation ...
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
*
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
the truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald
announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
a question which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The
captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth
-- the alternative is death by hanging."  "I am going," said Nasrudin,
"to be hanged on that gallows."  "I don't believe you."  "Very well, if
I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
*
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
*
After a degree of prettiness, one pretty girl is as pretty as another.
*
Every time I lose weight,
      It finds me again!
*
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
started debating who should be allowed to stay.

The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
votes.
*
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
*
Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crud.
*
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
*
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless 
to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless
it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. 
-J EDGAR HOOVER 
*
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
*
That was an absolutely booming second service, it took off like a
parachute.
*
If we can't fix it -   its broken!
*
"Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to get along." -- C,S & N
*
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
*
God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type.
*
This could be a repeat of what will happen at the European games next week.
*
Humans do have an amazing capacity for believing what they choose --
and excluding that which is painful.
-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
"Style is the dress of thoughts."
*
Our members will be grasping the bull by the horns only to find it's
a damp squid.
*
Sesame Street was brought to you today by the letter 'Q'
and the number 3.14159
*
Hard where? Soft where?
*
There is nothing women hate so much as to see men
selfishly enjoying themselves without the solace of feminine
society.

Katharine Tynan Hinkson
*
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
*
Captain Penny's Law:
        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
        the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
*
		OUTCONERR
Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
All kludgy were the function flows
	And subroutines adhoc.

Beware the runtime-bug my friend
	squrooneg, the false goto
Beware the infiniteloop
	And shun the inprectoo.
*
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
*
Today is the last day of your life so far.
*
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
*
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
*
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."

Bill Hoest
*
Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go
to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
*
The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
the field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well
known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
of preparation and incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of
psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick.  That
these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
the Russians.
		-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
*
	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."

	"Whose?"

	"MINE! HA-HA!"
*
But wait, there's more!  If you order by midnight tonight,
we'll throw in a matching set of steak knives absolutely free!!
... Now how much would you pay?
*
Don't read this cookie!
*
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
*
The best prophet of the future is the past.
*
It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the same reason that it is
more difficult to show a ready wit all day long than to say a good thing
occasionally.
*
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
*
At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done
cannot be undone.
*
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
*
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
*
Broad-mindedness, n.:
The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
*
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
themselves cleverer than we are.
*
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
*
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
*
"Never let your feet run faster than your shoes."
*
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
*
I hate rabbit jokes, they're so coney!
*
I love children - especially when they cry, for then someone takes
them away.
*
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon 
the wall instead of using it. 
- Gordon R. Dickson - 
*
Love America - or give it back.
*
Good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because no one looks
for them.
*
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles," stardate 4525.6.
*
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
*
Micro Credo:
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
*
The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods.
*
Variables won't, constants aren't.
*
The cost of liberty is less than the price of oppression.
*
Personally I am always ready to learn, 
although I do not always like being taught. 
- Sir Winston Churchill 
*
Prophecy: The art and practice of selling one's credibility
for future delivery.

Ambrose Bierce
*
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
*
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
*
Television has the ability to provide experience without risk.
*
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
*
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
*
Patrick Henry, who said, "Give me liberty or give me death," owned 65
slaves.
*
Those who think they know it all, upset those of us who do.
*
RUDIN'S LAW: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made
among alternative courses of action, most people will choose
the worst one possible.
*
A great fortune is a great slavery.
*
Mary had a little RAM - about a meg or so.
*
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
*
When in trouble, delegate.
*
I hope no-one's house is burning down.  It's much too nice a day to be left
without a house.
*
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
*
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
*
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene 
of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
-Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946) 
*
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of
Jackals by Jackasses.

H. L. Mencken
*
Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
*
"To die is landing on some distant shore."
*
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of
course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a
period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in
supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is
only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked
about.
Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
*
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
*
Star Trek Lives!
*
The spirella corset factory is closing because the bottom has dropped out
of the market.
*
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one
can do without thinking about them.
*
I claim that wasn't necessary.   (D. D.)
*
In an insane world the only sane men are crucified, shot, jailed, or
classified as insane themselves.
*
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 
*
They also surf who only stand on waves.
*
A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.
*
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 
- Edward John Pheles 
*
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
*
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
*
Sorry No COOKIES today!!
*
To err is human, to compute divine.
*
It is one of our most important laws that none of us may interfere
with the affairs of others.
-- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
You smash it - and I'll build around it....
*
It's everyday living that kills you.
*
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
*
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
*
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm
doing.

Wernher von Braun
*
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies
solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through
a meter.
*
Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.
*
Basic is a high level languish.
*
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
*
Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old
mistresses.

Lord Beaverbrook
*
Sex - the poor man's polo.
*
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors 
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 
- Anonymous 
*
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
*
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

Andy Warhol
*
The present state of the world and the whole of life is diseased.
If I were a doctor and were asked for my advice, I should reply:
create silence.        
*
I don't think my parents liked me.
They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Woody Allen
*
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
primitive umpire.

What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
*
Honorable, adj.:
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In
legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as
honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."--
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice
that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
*
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
*
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is
filled.
*
There are no illegitimate children --
only illegitimate parents.
*
If Hitler invaded Hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the
Devil in the house of commons.
*
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
	 amounts of fertilization ...
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
*
 Sex is like euchre; if you don't have a partner,
      you'd better have a good hand!
*
Live long and prosper.
-- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
  --ART HOPPE
*
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
*
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	    force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	    than "Watch this!"
*
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
*
"Newspaper taxis appear on the shore, waiting to take you away.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone."
*
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
*
There is a remedy for everything; it is called death.

Portuguese Proverb
*
"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
-- Art Leo
*
The Advertising Agency Song:
 
	When your client's hopping mad,
	Put his picture in the ad.
	If he still should prove refractory,
	Add a picture of his factory.
*
If all the young girls at the Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be
at all surprised.
*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*
Winning isn't everything, but it beats anything that comes in second.
*
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."

William Gilbert
*
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
*
Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker.

Ambrose Bierce
*
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
*
		The Three Major Kind of Tools

*
After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible
is music.
  --ALDOUS HUXLEY
*
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
        To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
        program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
        one, and convert to the next higher units.
*
A well-tied tie is the first in life.
*
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
*
In the 19th century the problem was that God was dead;
in the 20th century the problem is that man is dead.
*
        There is not much talking now. A silence falls upon them all.
There is no time to talk of hedges and fields, or the beauties of any
country. Sadness and fear and hate, how they well up in the heart and
mind, whenever one opens the pages of these messengers of doom. Cry for
the broken tribe, for the law and the custom that is gone. Aye, and cry
aloud for the man who is dead, for the woman and children bereaved. Cry,
the beloved country, these things are not yet at an end. The sun pours
down on the earth, on the lovely land that man cannot enjoy. He knows
only the fear of his heart.
                            --Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country"
*
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
*
Boren's Maxim: 
When in doubt, mumble. 
*
Constants aren't; variables don't.
*
The greatest vested interest
is not property but ignorance
*
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
*
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
*
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
*
Bonking can seriously damage your eyesight, but it's worth the optician's
fees.
*
Database Manager: A program that allows the user to manipulate data 
in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or 
she conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw information.
 
Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds 
of functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-
dozen he uses constantly. 
*
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
*
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
*
Those who choose matrimony do well, and those who choose virginity or
voluntary abstinence do better.
*
There's many a best seller that could have been  
prevented by a good teacher. 
-Flannery O'Connor 
*
"Alles hat ein Ende -- nur die Wurst zwei" (Translation: "Everything has an
end -- only the sausage has two.") -- anonymous German proverb.
*
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
                -- Fred Allen
*
Law of Construction:  
Cut it large and kick it into place. 
*
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
*
Williams and Holland's Law:
        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
        statistical methods.
*
Vique's Law:
 A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
*
"Monorail One, you are cleared for hotel dispatch."
*
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he
almost deserved it."
C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
*
Superstition and accident manifest the will of God. 
- C. G. Jung 
*
Truth, crushed to earth, shall rise again; 
The eternal years of God are hers; 
But Error, wounded, writhes in pain, 
And dies among his worshippers. 
-William C. Bryant 
*
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.  And by then it
was too late.
*
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
	That your lectures bore people to death.
Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
	Don't you think that you should save your breath?"

"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
	Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
	Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
*
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be
wrong.

Oscar Wilde
*
	"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
merriment.
	"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
*
'I suppose it would be a breach of hospitality if I socked my hostess's
sister in the eye?'
*
(article) -- "DELAWARE BILL URGES FLOGGING FOR DRUG DEALS"
             Dover, Del. (AP) -- Drug traffickers in Delaware, which
outlawed public floggings less than 30 years ago, could be stripped
to the waist and given 40 lashes if legislation introduced in the state
Senate becomes law.
     Asked if corporal punishment might be viewed as a violation of the
Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment, Senate Majority Leader
Thomas Sharp said it shouldn't be in a society that permits executions.
     "I don't know why beating them is any worse."
*
Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries
for the benefit of rich people in poor countries.

Bernard Rosenberg
*
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify
it."

English Professor
*
	We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I
had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone
told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was
lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he
fought me.  And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
what men must do. ...
	"Stop the car," the girl said.  There was a look of terrible
sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the woman of the tollway.  I knew
not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
tollway belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition
*
Not only does alcohol kill brain cells but the next day they attend
the funeral
*
People are always available for work in the past tense.
*
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
*
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
*
If you tell the truth
You don't have to remember anything.
*
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
*
I thought it was from Alice in Wonderland.
*
College isn't the place to go for ideas.

HELLEN KELLER
*
In the old days men had the rack, now they have the press.
*
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
*
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
*
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in
Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on
anything for the layman.
*
He who rides a tiger is afraid to dismount.
  --CHINESE PROVERB
*
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
*
	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
	"Did I?"  cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a
shot at mine, over there."
*
The human animal differs from the lesser primates 
in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
*
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
*
Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.

Harry Emerson Fosdick
*
HOW TO RESTRAIN A ROBBERY VICTIM
     Usually, during holdups, robbers have victims lie on the floor,
     lock them in rooms or in the safe, if it is a bank. Here's a
     new twist. When Samuel's Rug Gallery in West Hollywood was held
     up, they rolled the guy up in a rug.
*
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
*
No judge can ever say he's never made a mistake.  If he does he's a
complacent fool.
*
"Absence makes the heart go wander."
*
Save Water, Shower With A Friend
*
They asked me "what was the most beautiful thing you saw while in space?" I
said "A urine-dump at sunset."
                     - Michael Collins, Apollo Astronaut, on a talk show.
*
Only those who will risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one
can go.
*
Our virtues are most often
but our vices disguised.
*
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
*
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*
THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
We are talking about a lot of jobs.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
*
          When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant,
                  I could hardly stand to have him around.
                      But when I got to be twenty-one,
         I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
                                               -- Mark Twain
*
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
*
"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one."
                                             John Lennon
*
I'm not going to make the same mistake once.
*
If you see an onion ring
-answer it!
*
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent
perspiration.

Thomas A. Edison
*
Peace, n.:
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Old doughnut makers never die,
     they just get tired of the whole business.
*
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
*
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
*
Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
store.  Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all
the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are
they taking no-fault insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current
rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be
impressed with us electrical engineers then?  Are we, as the saying
goes, giving away the store?
		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
*
Some people get bent with toil, and some get crooked trying to avoid it.
*
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
*
"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
an indication-applied occurrence."
		-- ALGOL 68 Report
*
I like work;  it fascinates me;  I can sit and look at it for hours.
*
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
*
Vail's Second Axiom:
        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        amount of work already completed.
*
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
*
Anthony's Law of Force:  
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
*
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
*
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the
President but is always polite to traffic cops.
*
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle
to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed
miracles."
*
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
*
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
*
If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so
anxious.

Mignon McLaughlin
*
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
*
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
*
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund
when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the
moon.
*
There are four types of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and
praiseworthy.
  --AMBROSE BIERCE
*
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
*
Even a blind pig finds an acorn sometimes.
*
If it wasn't for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.
*
The bigger a man's head grows, the easier it is to fill his shoes.
*
A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.
*
Astronauts get missile-toe.
*
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
*
You are not thinking. You are merely being logical.
     - Neils Bohr to Einstein during a debate on Quantum Mechanics
*
The best laid schemes o' mice and men gang aft a-gley.
*
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to
rent it.
*
We are here and it is now. 
Further than that all human
knowledge is moonshine. 
-H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 
*
It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

Errol Flynn
*
Everything in the world may be endured except continual
prosperity.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
*
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll
kiss it and make it better.
*
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
        be out of a job.
*
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
*
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 
*
A company is judged by the president it keeps.

James Hulbert
*
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
*
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
*
"People try to put us d-d-down, just because we ge-ge-get around.
Things they do look awful c-c-cold.  Hope I d-die before I get old."
                                               The Who
*
Better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.
*
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
                -- Mark Twain
*
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
*
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
*
"The writer does the most who gives the reader the most
knowledge and takes from him the least."
*
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
*
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of
genius.
*
Nothing is better for the spirit or body than a love affair.  It elevates
thoughts and flattens stomachs.
*
Oedipus come home, all is forgiven.
             Mother
*
Freedom of the press is guaranteed to those who own one.
  --A.J. LIEBLING
*
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is sickening
to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep
while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
*
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
*
Ehrman's Commentary:
        1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
        2.  Who said things would get better?
*
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
*
What the poem and the novel have to say can be said in no other way.
  --CARLOS FUENTES
*
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and
conscientious stupidity.
  --MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
*
A penny saved is ridiculous.
*
All the girls around you say "You got it coming", 
but you get it while you can.
*
I can resist anything but temptation.
*
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
*
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
*
An adult is a deteriorated child.

Anon.
*
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner
Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying
his assistant to an operating table to prevent his
interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in
his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the
confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded
the Nobel Prize.
*
Boren's Laws:
        1)  When in charge, ponder.
        2)  When in trouble, delegate.
        3)  When in doubt, mumble.
*
Out of the frying pan, into der fire. - The Swedish Chef
*
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating
more sheer horror than the male of the species.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
*
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones
she can't stand years later.
*
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
experience in sound:

	5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
	    sound is normal for this type of connector.
*
To attack a man for talking nonsense
is like finding your mortal enemy drowning in a swamp
and jumping in after him with a knife.

Karl Popper
*
Politicians do it to everyone.
*
Some men are discovered;  others are found out.
*
You will marry your present lover and be happy.
*
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
*
We didn't expect to be top, and that's a fact.  But football's not about
facts, it's about what happens.
*
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on
vacation.
*
A truly advanced planet wouldn't use force.  They wouldn't come here
in strange alien forms.
-- Gary Seven, "Assignment Earth," stardate unknown.
*
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
  --H.L. MENCKEN
*
Among civilized nations reason has always been an
occupational hazard.

Anon
*
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
*
The rubber-stamp legislature [of Panama] is considering a law that would
forbid making fun of the physical features of public officials.  This is
evidently an attempt to protect the feelings of Noriega, who calls
himself the "General of Peace and Hope."  Jokes about Noriega's acne-
scarred complexion would presumably be outlawed, as would the commonly
used nickname for him -- "pineapple face" -- and T-shirts featuring a
pineapple with a red slash through it.
*
You can always get someone to love you -
even if you have to do it yourself.
*
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
*
Peanuts:     The Drinking Man's Filter.
*
Anger is a momentary madness.       --- Horace
*
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
*
Justice:        A decision in your favour.
*
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
*
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.
*
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
*
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
*
God gives us relatives; 
thank God we can chose our friends. 
*
If builders built buildings the way programmers 
wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came
along would destroy civilization. 
-Gerald Weinberg 
*
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: 
If the probability of success is not almost one, 
then it is damn near zero. 
-DAVID ELLIS 
*
Hanlon's Razor:  
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 
*
The nation's largest bank corporation wasn't accepting the kind of
deposits 3-year-old Kyle Harris made in the middle of its Piedmont
branch.  He had begged to use the bank bathroom, but was told it was
against company rules.  So the little Oakland boy pulled down his pants
and urinated on the carpet.  The bank canceled the family checking
accounts.
*
He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage--he won't
encounter many rivals.
  --G.C. LICHTENBERG
*
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
*
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of
great leaders has been discontinued.
*
How do they know no two snowflakes are alike?
*
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and
     Incommode You".
*
Would you persuade, speak of interest, not of reason. 
-Ben Franklin 
*
I like a man who grins when he fights. 
- Winston Churchill - 
*
Many people have played themselves to death.
Many people have eaten and drunk themselves to death.
Nobody ever thought himself to death.

Gilbert Highet
*
Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
*
Weed - a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.

R.W. Emerson
*
Keep on trying.  It's better to be a has-been than a never-will-be.
*
Life is a hereditary disease.
*
As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into Manchester
United's hands.
*
The net of law is spread so wide,
No sinner from its sweep may hide.
Its meshes are so fine and strong,
They take in every child of wrong.
O wondrous web of mystery!
Big fish alone escape from thee!
		-- James Jeffrey Roche
*
There is no such thing as a 'Fail Safe' design.
*
He was into animal husbandry - until they caught him at it.
*
You can`t win.  You can`t break even.  You can`t even quit the game.
*
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Sticks Float.   
They wood! 
*
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays
and the other never forgets them.
*
"The only completely consistant people are the dead."
---Aldous Huxley
*
It is always the wrong time of month.
*
If  the  poor  workman  hates his tools,
the good workman hates poor tools. 
The work of the workingman is, in a sense, 
defined by his tools. 
- Weinberg, p.203 
*
A miracle:
an Event described by those to whom it was told                  
by men who did not see it.  
*
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
*
He who holds back anger like a rolling chariot, him I call a real
driver; other people are but holding the reins.
                                                 -The dhDhammapada
*
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
*
Every sound should end in silence, but the silence never dies.
*
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
*
This man is dangerous; he believes what he says.
*
Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough.
*
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
*
The world is all gates, all opportunities,
strings of tension waiting to be struck.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
*
Watch the time - it gives you a good indication of how fast they're
running.
*
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
children open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You:	"A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it
	falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"

Son:	"Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
	with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
	and I get this cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."

You:	"It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
*
The artist has won through his fantasy what he could only win in his
fantasy: honour, power, and the love of women.
*
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
*
Swipple's Rule of Order:
        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
*
Before you hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine.
  --FLIP WILSON
*
Nor all the drowsy syrups of the world    
Shall ever medicine thee to that sweet sleep 
Which thou ow'dst yesterday. 
-Shakespeare (Othello, III, 3) 
*
Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention.

Cornelia Otis Skinner
*
Advice is least heeded when most needed.

Proverb
*
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
*
When you've got over the disgrace of the single life, it's more airy.
*
People who have what they want are very fond of telling
people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

Ogden Nash
*
"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia."
-- Woody Allen
*
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
*
"Told my girl I'd have to forget her.
Rather buy me a new carburetor.
So she made tracks, saying this is the end, now.
Cars don't talk, they're just four-wheeled friends, now."
                                  Queen
                                 "I'm in Love With My Car"
*
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so
that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
*
All tragedies are finished by death,
All comedies are ended by a marriage.
*
A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under
his care.
  --GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well
as the poor, to sleep under the bridges,
to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Anatole France
*
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have
studied harder.

Pope John Paul I
*
You have a real feel for the history of the past, don't you?
*
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and
rejoices that the system works.
*
She was another one of his near Mrs.
*
		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
		  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
    ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
*
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
*
History is a race between education and catastrophe. 
-H.G. Wells
*
Farmer's Credo: 
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 
*
NUCLEAR MISSILE NEARLY LAUNCHED ITSELF
     Cheyanne, Wyo. (AP) -- In 1984 a malfunctioning Minuteman 3
nuclear missile gave every indication of imminently launching itself,
so the Air Force hurriedly parked an armored vehicle atop its silo, a
spokesman said.
     "If the launcher closure door opened up, the security police vehicle
would have fallen on top of the missile and prevented it from going any
place," Capt. Bill Kalton, a public affairs officer at Warren Air
Force Base, said Tuesday.
     "It was not a major incident," Kalton said in response to a news
account of the Jan 10, 1984 incident in today's Casper Star Tribune.
     "There was no chance of a missile launching," he said.
     Air Force officials did not report the incident to the Strategic Air
Command which controls the bae, or to Congress, state and local officials,
or the public, Kalton said.  "Nobody has ever inquired about it," he said.
*
Jone's Motto:
        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
*
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
*
If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition.
*
Make a cow happy, fish!
*
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
*
Brevity is the soul of wit.

William Shakespeare
*
At the moment Petranoff is ahead by virtue of hhis position at the moment.
*
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
*
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
*
To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.
*
I suggest a new strategy, R2.  Let the Wookiee win. -C3PO
*
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
*
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
*
A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
*
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
*
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
*
Efficiency:  The ability to get someone else to do your job.
*
You can lead a horse to water!!
Get him to float on his back, and you've got something.
*
"You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred."
*
Stop the world...Nixon wants to get back on!

David Fisher
*
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 
*
An author ought to write for the youth of his own
generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmaster of
ever afterwards.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
*
Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.
*
Colonel Cathcart had never hesitated to volunteer his men for any
target available.
*
San Francisco, n.:
Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
*
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 
*
Do unto others before they undo you.
*
	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
this?
	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
*
Do be a Do bee.
Don't be a Don't bee.
  -- Miss Frances, Romper Room
*
"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
*
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's
funeral."
Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
*
(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)

	To code the impossible code,
	To bring up a virgin machine,
	To pop out of endless recursion,
	To grok what appears on the screen,

	To right the unrightable bug,
	To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
	To mount the unmountable magtape,
	To stop the unstoppable crash!
*
This universe never did make sense; I suspect that it was built on
government contract.
*
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
*
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
*
I have never found in a long experience of politics that criticism is ever
inhibited by ignorance.
*
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?

Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
*
"She can wade in a drop of dew.  She don't come and I don't follow,
..waits backstage while I sing to you." -- The Grateful Dead
*
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
*
Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.
*
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
*
To us, killing is murder, even for revenge.
-- Kirk, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to
the imagination is the plot.
*
You are an individual interested in foreward thrust and the future.
*
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
*
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
*
Peace is not only better than war, but infinitely more
arduous.

George Bernard Shaw
*
A Huguenot named Bernard Palisay expressed the opinion in 1589 that
fossils were the remians of living critters.  Those who didn't agree
burned him at the stake.
*
The silliest woman can manage a clever man;
but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.

Rudyard Kipling
*
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large
city can never hope to acquire it.
*
Back when I was a boy, we had to carve our own ICs out of wood!
*
      "I will now most humbly take my leave of you."

      "Ha.  You could never take from me anything that I would so gladly part
withal...  Except my life!  Except my life, except my life..."

                           William Shakespeare-  (Hamlet, Prince of Denmark)
*
Modesty is of no use to a beggar
*
Patriotism is the veneration of real estate above principles. 
-George Jean Nathan (1882-1958) 
*
You shall judge a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
- Joseph Conrad, "Lord Jim", 1900
*
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
*
One wife at a time is enough for most people.
*
I don't see so much of Alfred at night any more since he got so interested
in sex.
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
*
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a
resistance.
*
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
*
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
*
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
*
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of
them to choose from.

Andrew S. Tanenbaum
*
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same
damn thing over and over!
*
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all of the tools and
resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
*
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even
crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he
had to say, and make fun of it.

Thomas Carlyle
*
        Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the
inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him
not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand
too silent when the sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too
moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his
heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he
gives too much.
                                Alan Paton "Cry the Beloved Country"
*
Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
  --JOSEPH FISCHER
*
Hey, look at me, I'm a cowboy !! Howdy, howdy, howdy !!
*
Sit on it, Malph.
*
Monday, n.:
In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from
handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
*
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
*
How happy are the astrologers, who are believed if they tell 
one truth to a hundred lies, while other people lose all credit 
if they tell one lie to a hundred truths. 
-Guicciardi 
*
Love America - or give it back.
*
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
*
I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color
prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed, I know it.
I can stand any society. All I care to know is that a
man is a human being--that is enough for me;
he can't be any worse.
*
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
*
Don't let your mind get in a rut
The knife that spreads, may also cut.
-Phileas Fogg 
*
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
*
I would rather suffer defeat than have cause to be ashamed
of victory.

Quintus Curtius
*
Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
*
You live and you learn - or you don't live long.
*
Never eat any product on which the listed ingredients cover more than
one third of the package
  --HERB CAEN
*
Life is a great sunrise.
I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.

Vladimir Nobokov
*
Politics is like coaching a football team.  You have to be
smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to
lose interest.
*
I like playing in Sheffield...
it's full of Melancholy happy-go-lucky people.
*
Clams: I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served
in an ashtray.
*
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
*
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
*
NO matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to
discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
*
The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
*
The difference between capitalism and 
socialism is that in capitalism,  man exploits man, 
while in socialism it's the other way around. 
*
Disregard the previous cookie.
*
You are going to have a new love affair.
*
If you are too busy to feel miserable, you will be happy.
*
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you wont either.
JOSEPH FISCHER
*
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
                -- John Ciardi
*
Honesty pays, but not enough to satisfy some people.
*
When choosing between two evils, I like to take the one I've never tried
before.
*
The nicest thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
*
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
*
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...
 that will do them in.
*
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
*
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
*
When the working day is done,
o-oh, girls just wanna have fun.
*
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask
for it back when it begins to rain.
  --ROBERT FROST
*
Putting a bunch of people to work on the same problem 
doesn't make them a team. 
- Weinberg, p.35 
*
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
*
"An idea is a feast of association."
---Robert Frost
*
Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.
*
        The Split-Atom Blues

Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
But if you split those atoms fine,
    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
*
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms."
-- George Wald
*
Adolescence, n.:
The stage between puberty and adultery.
*
"Heavy, adj.:  Seduced by the chocolate side of the force."
*
"You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends,
but you can't pick your friends' nose!"
*
There is no remedy for fun but more fun (now) !
*
They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
*
Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.
*
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving":  a female kitten.
*
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
*
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
*
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
*
Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.
*
Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
*
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
*
From a fallen tree, all make kindling.

Spanish proverb
*
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
*
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-
pack."
*
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to
criticize the competent.
*
The only man to get his work done by Friday, was Robinson Crusoe.
*
Always draw your curves, then plot the readings.
*
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
*
Real programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
*
If you're early, it's cancelled.  
If you're on time, it's late.  
If you're late, you're late. 
*
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Derek Bok, president of Harvard
*
Bucy's Law:
        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
*
Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.
*
Alan's Law of Force: 
If it doesn't fit, you're not hitting it hard enough. 
*
Another Armenia, Belgium...the weak innocents who always seem to
be located on a natural invasion route.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
If it is not there, it does not exist.
*
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
*
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
*
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
*
Problems are like badly wrapped packages ...with a gift inside.
*
We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of
peaceful contact.
-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
A chief event of life is the day in which we have
encountered a mind that startled us.
*
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
*
A worker's rights are those which belong to him, which he can't have.
*
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
*
The opera isn't over till the fat lady sings.
*
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
*
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4.
*
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
*
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
*
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Art Hoppe
*
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth.
*
The systems designer suffer[s] because the better his system 
does its job, the less its users know of its existence. 
- Weinberg, p.124 
*
To know the world one must construct it.
CESARE PAVESE
*
Give me all the other advice you like, but don't tell me how to: bring
up my children; train my dog; fish for trout; scramble eggs; cast my
vote; watch a football game; buy meat; eat lobster; appreciate good
music; improve my disposition; relax; or prepare myself for heaven.
*
Jack the ripper lives - he works in our laundry.
*
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
*
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
*
Sterility is hereditary.
*
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
*
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
*
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
- Laurence Coughlin
*
The idea of using censors to bar thoughts of sex is dangerous.  A person
without sex thoughts is abnormal.
*
Thanks, I enjoyed every inch of it.
*
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
*
Many supporters say they wouldn't stand for all-seater stadiums.
*
Acquaintance, n.:
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
well enough to lend to.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.

R.W. Emerson
*
Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into
the Atlantic Ocean.
*
I was young and foolish then;
now I am old and foolisher.
*
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands 
of a pathological criminal. 
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 
*
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
*
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
*
Wiler's Law:  
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 
*
The brave man is known only in war; the wise man in anger; the friend in
time of need.
*
Modern journalism by giving us the opinions of the
uneducated, keeps us in touch with the ignorance
of the community.
*
"I walk 47 miles of barbed wire, I've got a cobra snake for a necktie.
I've got a brand new house along the roadside, and it's
made out of rattlesnake hide..." -- George Thorogood
*
It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself
to the idea that after all God will not help him.
*
It's round the world I've traveled; it's round the world I've roamed;
but I've yet to see an outlaw drive a family from its home.
- Woody Guthrie, "Pretty Boy Floyd"
*
How do girls get minks?  The same way minks get minks.
*
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
- Josh Billings, "The Kicker"
*
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
*
Cannibals are not vegetarians.  They are humanitarians.
*
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A:To stamp out forest fires.

Q:Why do elephants have flat feet?
A:To stamp out flaming ducks.
*
It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-- Woody Allen.
*
Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a cinch.
*
When I am right  nobody remembers... 
When I am wrong  nobody forgets! 
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
*
Opera is like a husband with a foreign title: expensive to support, hard to
understand, and therefore a supreme social challenge.
*
There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. 
-Cicero (106-43 BC) 
*
Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.

Conte Vittorio Alfieri
*
He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the
biggest mistake of all - doing nothing.
*
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you
know it adds up to be real money.

Everett McKinley Dirksen
*
Harris's Lament:
        All the good ones are taken.
*
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
*
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
SIGMUND FREUD
*
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
*
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
*
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
*
Do you still love Mother Nature.....even after what she did to you?
*
In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm.
*
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
*
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
*
Martin's Extension:
        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
*
Anyone who comes to a psychiatrist needs his head examined!
*
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
*
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
GRAFFITI
*
War, like any other racket, pays high dividends to the very few.
But what does it profit the masses? ... 
The cost of operation is always transfered 
to the people who do not profit.
*
What is man but that lofty spirit -- that sense of enterprise.
-- Kirk, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Fight truth decay - brush up on your Bible every day!
*
Nothing can be unconditional:
consequently nothing can be free.
*
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
*
Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with
your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S.,
your creditors...
*
Begin the day with a friendly voice,
a companion unobtrusive.
Plays that song that's so elusive,
and the magic music makes your morning move.
                                      "Spirit of Radio"
                                       Rush
*
But, He has not one redeeming vice.
*
When a woman behaves like a man why doesn't she behave like
a nice man.

Dame Edith Evans
*
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
*
There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats.
*
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates
philogyny.
*
A specialist is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
*
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
*
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for
days.

W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
*
I used to be Snow White, but then I drifted...
  --MAE WEST
*
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
*
I'm looking for freedom
- can you direct me?
*
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months.

Oscar Wilde
*
She is what moves in the soul of a dove. -- Deep Purple
*
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
*
You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how
you feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.
If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
-- Kirk, "Charlie X," stardate 1535.8.
*
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
*
Information deteriorates upwards through bureaucracies.
*
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're really not after
you.
*
"I drink to make other people interesting."
*
Never eat more than you can lift.

Miss Piggy
*
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:

	* Governmental offices
	* Post offices
	* Libraries
	* Schools
	* Banks
	* Parts of Palm Beach

and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
*
Accordion:  A bagpipe with pleats.
*
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
-- Gallagher
*
Whatever happened to the good old days
  when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
*
Serfs up - Spartacus.
*
I'm always sure about things that are a matter of opinion.
*
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
		-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
*
Truth in science can be defined as the working hypothesis
best suited to open the way to the next better one.

Konrad Lorenz
*
Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! - V. Dracula
*
What the hell's going on up there, Jim?
Sick Bay is in a state of chaos! -- Leonard ("Bones") McCoy
*
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:

Nobody notices when things go right.
*
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
*
I am being frank about myself in this book.  I tell of my first mistake
on page 850.
*
In our country we have three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech,
freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
  --MARK TWAIN
*
Later dates.
*
Thirty days hath November,
April, June, and September,
February hath twenty-eight alone,
And all the rest have thirty-one.
- Richard Grafton, 1562
*
The way to love anything is to realize
that it might be lost.
*
And how can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught
in the roller of an electric typewriter.
*
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can't say 'no' in any of them.
*
You are heading for a land of sunshine.
*
Take advantage of the pleasurable opportunities that come your way.
*
You're dead, Jim.
-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web," stardate unknown.
*
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
*
You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
wording:  "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
(unless her name is not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's
age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card.  If you are
introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)!  Good!"
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
*
Orcs really aren't so bad
         (if you use lots of catsup).
*
The Law has no claim to human respect.
It has no civilizing mission; its only   
purpose is to protect exploitation.
*
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he
loves the flag.
*
Sattinger's Law:
        It works better if you plug it in.
*
Seek companionship, love and social activity at home.
*
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
*
Behind every great fortune there is a crime. 
-Balzac 
*
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that
fellow behind the tree."
Russell Long
*
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
*
"Hello, hello, hello ... is there anybody IN there?
Just nod if you can hear me.  Is there anyone at home?
Come on, come on, now, I hear you're feeling down.
But I can ease your pain, get you on your feet again.
Relax, relax, relax ... I need some information first.
Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts?" -- Pink Floyd
*
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach
you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
*
I'm just naturally respectful of pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
*
You will achieve a position of power in the Ministry for Silly Walks.
*
In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Benjamin Franklin
*
Threats are illogical.
-- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
Johnson and Laird's Law:  
A toothache tends to start on Saturday night. 
*
War is the last refuge of incompetent statesmen.
*
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up. 
-Lily Tomlin 
*
Your place in the path of life is in the driver's seat.
*
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.

Warren's Rule
*
Today you will meet someone who will claim 
that he was you in a previous incarnation. 
Do not buy insurance from this man. 
*
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
                -- Peter S. Beagle
*
"Here lies Lester Moore
4 shots from a 44
No Les, no More."
*
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You
see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You
pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.
The only difference is that there is no cat."
*
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
*
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
*
We must believe in luck for how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like?
*
MS-DOS: Just say NO!
*
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."
-- Herbert Hoover
*
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
*
Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
*
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an
elephant.
*
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine
print taketh away.
*
Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
*
If I have been able to see farther than others,
it was because I stood on the shoulders of giants.

Sir Isaac Newton
*
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
*
There is no time like the present for postponing what you
ought to be doing.
*
When more and more people are thrown out of work,
unemployment results.

Calvin Coolidge
*
History doesn't repeat itself.  Historians merely repeat each other.
*
I'm a beautician, not a magician.
*
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
*
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
*
Love is a grave mental disease.
*
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 
-Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933) 
*
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 
-Mark Twain 
*
"Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
a poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
when up through the ground come a bubbe -- oil, that is;
black gold; 'Texas tea' ...

Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
swimmin' pools; movie stars."
*
You are a general favorite among your many friends.
*
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
*
Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth.
*
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
*
"When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get a busy signal."
*
Nobel prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already
reached the shore in safety.
*
The English never forgive a man for being clever.
*
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
*
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared
with.
*
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
*
My son got his first part, playing a man who's been married for thirty years.
I told him to stick at it and next time he'd get a speaking part.
*
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
personal to various situations.

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.

YOU SHOULD:

(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
*
Stamp out philately.
*
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
*
"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
forgot to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
receive Net Mail ..."
 		-- Leith (Casey) Leedom
*
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
*
WOMEN JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT
     In Wichita, Kansas, a man was charged wilth assult and battery
     on his girlfriend, stemming, according to police, from her
     inability to buy a winning lottery ticket. Every time she
     scratched a losing ticket, the guy smacked her. She lost five
     times.
*
On a clean disk you can seek forever.
*
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and
only four tellers?
*
Murphy's Philosophy:  
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. 
*
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
*
The simplest way to learn speed reading is to get an unexpected letter
from the IRS.
*
Democratic Government is a thing like falling in love, or blowing one's own
nose. These things we want a man to do for himself, even if he does them
badly.
*
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or
Rogue.
*
JUST A COUPLE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S SAYINGS FOR YOU TO DIGEST

            1. "Fish and visitors smell in three days."

            2. "Whate'er's begun in anger ends in shame."

            3. "Most people repay small favors, acknowledge
                middling ones, and repay great ones with
                ingratitude."
*
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
*
Make yourself at home, Frank.  Hit somebody.
*
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.

Robert Altman
*
Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; 
doing what is impossible for talent is genius. 
-Amiel (1856) 
*
The believer is happy; the doubter is wise. 
- Hungarian Proverb - 
*
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
*
Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation).
Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection.
When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came
rubbing the stuff on."
*
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff
and prints the chaff.

Adlai Stevenson
*
A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make
   one believe in God.
*
A stitch in time saves nine.
*
Justice: a decision in your favor.
*
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
*
Spare the rod and spoil the drag race.
*
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
*
I don't know what London's coming to.  The higher the buildings, the lower
the morals.
*
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
*
Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way
     to insure hairy fingers.
*
Human history begins with man's act of disobedience
which is at the same time the beginning of his
freedom and development of his reason.
*
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; 
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels" 
- Goya - 
*
Geography is everywhere.
*
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
*
"To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing."
*
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
 - Thomas Jefferson -
*
If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.
*
They way I see it, if you want the Rainbow, 
you gotta put up with the rain. 
-Dolly Parton 
*
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
*
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
*
If you've seen one REDWOOD tree, you've seen 'em all.
*
To iterate is human;  to recurse, divine.
*
She's been on more laps than a napkin
*
It was a catch 50/50 situation really.
*
When in doubt, ignore it.
*
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the
modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's
ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its
peak.
*
Communists do it without class.
*
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
*
The wicked have a solid interest that the good never seem to possess.
The good are grand for one great rally. Then they go home and work at
their business. The cohesive power of public plunder remains on the job.
*
Politicians should read science fiction, 
not westerns and detective stories. 
ARTHUR C CLARKE 
*
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of
nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
*
A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind.
*
To let, flat with three rooms, kitchen, bathroom, plus outside toilet at
present occupied by owner.
*
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
*
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
*
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human
beings.
*
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
*
Doing an Injury puts you below your Enemy.  Revenging one makes you but
even with him.  Forgiving it sets you above him.
  --BEN FRANKLIN
*
Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.
*
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
*
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
*
I been bad.  I been good.  Dallas, Texas.  Hollywood.
I ain't askin' for much.  I say "Lord, take me downtown,
I'm just lookin' for some tush." -- Z Z Top
*
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls. 
-Father Robert F. Capon 
*
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:

	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
		di-dah di-dah di-dah?
		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
*
When in doubt, smile - It always makes people wonder what you're thinking.
*
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
*
Love is like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in life.
*
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
   no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
*
"You can lead a horse to water;
get him to float on his back & you`ve got something."
*
It's good to have money, and the things that money can buy, but it's
good, too, to check up once in awhile and be sure you haven't lost the
things money can't buy.
*
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
*
Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.
*
Genderplex, n.:
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
tortoises).
Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
*
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy before the FBI sees it.
*
When a street procession re-enacting the crucifixion (Easter, 1984)
was halted by traffic in west London, a group of local youths
surrounded the actor playing Jesus, cut loose his ropes, told him to
run for it and said that they would cover his getaway.
*
When an old man marries a young wife, he grows younger - but she grows older.
*
If you can't do, teach.  If you can't teach, teach phys-ed.
*
A fertile imagination is no compensation for vasectomy.
*
Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
*
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar," stardate 5725.6.
*
Sometimes when you least expect it, Monday strikes!!
*
Go climb a gravity well.
*
Husbands are like fires.  They go out if unattended.
*
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought."
 - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -
*
These days the necessities of life cost you about three
times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even
fit to drink.
*
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
*
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
*
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
*
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
*
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the
wind.
*
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
*
"Can't keep my mind from the circling sky.
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit, I."
                                  -- "Learning to Fly", Pink FLoyd --
*
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
*
Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster
  than being elected.
*
Confusion creates jobs.
*
A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.
*
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
*
A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, 
he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future. 
- Stanislaw Lem - 
*
"Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward."
*
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent  - -
     it says so right here on the label.
*
The Coarse Golfer: One who has to shout 'Fore' when he puts.
*
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
will want to use it.
*
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
*
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
*
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.
*
Verily, when the day of judgement comes, we shall not 
be asked what we have read, but what we have done. 
-Thomas  Kempis
*
	GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917

On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
stood lookout.
*
Documentation:
	Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English-speaking
persons.
*
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
disposed of.

Corollaries:
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more
than 50% of the observed measurements must be
discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.
*
A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.
*
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
*
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
*
A glutton is the person who beats you to the last bit of cake.
*
Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.
*
        CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
*
Experience - a comb life gives you after you loose your
hair.

Judith Stern
*
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
*
He who ploughs a straight furrow, is probably in a rut.
*
Imprisoned in every fat man a thin man is wildly signaling to be let out.
- Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
*
This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
power of computers:

Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct
the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The
results are that one should eat each day:

	1/2 chicken
	1 egg
	1 glass of skim milk
	27 heads of lettuce.
		-- Rev. Adrian Melott
*
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
*
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
*
Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the
problem of pleasing men. Some are married.

Emma Lee
*
Offense is a human emotion.
-- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you
in various forms until you have learned it. You can then go on to the
next lesson.
*
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
*
I married beneath me.  All women do.
*
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
*
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
*
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now.
*
I'd like to play Scrooge in Oliver Twist
*
A bird in the hand is bad table manners.
*
If a lie is repeated often enough all the dumb jackasses in
the world not only get to believe it, they even swear by it.

B.B. Franklin
*
My uncle fred died of asbestosis - it took six months to cremate him.
*
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
*
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again.
*
Civil engineers do it behind schedule
*
Wilbur Wright has made the statement that in his opinion the use 
of the aeroplane for dropping bombs or explosives into a hostile
army is impracticable, as the machine must rise 1,000 or 1,500 ft.
above the ground to escape shell fire.  At that height accuracy
would be impossible in dropping explosives when moving at
40 or 50 miles an hour.
-Popular Mechanics, July 1909
*
How can I prove that I'm not crazy to people who are?
*
Bug:
Small living things that small living boys throw on small
living girls.
*
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
*
The worst part of having success is to try finding someone who is happy
for you.
*
"How could it?" Mishkin asked. "How could anything alter reality for $9.95?"
*
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. - Lao-Tsze
*
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
*
Always is forever.
Forever is a lie.
I can only love you until the day I die.
*
Quia Costodiet Ipsos Custodes.
(Who will watch the Guardians)
*
Ducharm's Axiom:

If you view your problem closely enough you will
recognize yourself as part of the problem.
*
Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought.
- Graham Greene, 1981
*
Weinberg's First Law:  
Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 
*
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is doubtless
a separation.
*
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
-- Spock, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
One more drink and I'll be under the host.
*
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
        handle.
*
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
-O. W. Holmes 
*
A penny saved is ridiculous.
*
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
if it rains?"
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
*
Vique's Law:

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
*
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
*
There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. 
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated 
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. 
-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
*
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
*
Buffloes are.....better looking than cows -- they don't have fat
all over their butts.
                                      -- Ted Turner
*
You can't beat our milk, but you can whip our cream.
*
Beckhap's Law:
        Beauty times brains equals a constant.
*
Marriage has many pains but celibacy no pleasures.
  --SAMUEL JOHNSON
*
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
*
If it's more than you need, it's greed.
*
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
*
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
and it was always snowing.
*
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
*
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
*
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
*
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will
be postponed.

Kin Hubbard
*
If you want to clear your system out, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow
a mouse.
*
Second-hand tombstone for sale.  Extraordinary bargain for family named
Schwarzendorfer.
*
To iterate is human, to recurse is divine.
*
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write
"very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be
just as it should be.

Mark Twain
*
Reagan in '84......  Bush in '85.
*
There is nothing permanent except change.
- Heraclitus
*
Do not cut down the tree that gives you shade.
  --ARABIAN PROVERB
*
Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital.  Capital 
is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed 
if labor had not first existed.  Labor is the superior 
of capital, and deserves the higher consideration. 
- Lincoln - Message to Congress, 1861 
*
Cookies are to be eaten...   C H O M P !
*
Satyrs have more faun.
*
Thought I wouldn't notice you sneaking off, eh?
*
You'll never walk alone with schizophrenia.
*
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient
premises.
  --SAMUEL BUTLER
*
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
*
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
*
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated
ambiguity that would be clearly understood."

Alexander Haig
*
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.
*
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your
program, wake him up.
*
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
*
God will not look you over for medals, 
degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. 
-Elbert Hubbard 
*
Friction is a drag.
*
Sometimes pain can drive a man harder than pleasure.
-- Kirk, "the Alternative Factor," stardate 3088.7.
*
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
*
The two important things I did learn were that you are as powerful and
strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of
any endeavor is taking the first step, making the first decision.
                                              --Robyn Davidson
*
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
*
Vulcans do not approve of violence.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
Sailor's luck, Mr. Spock.  Or as one of Finable's Laws puts it: "Any
home port the ship makes will be somebody else's, not mine!"
-- Kirk, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE
*
The trouble with cooked-up excuses is that they're usually half-baked...
*
You can fool all the people some of the time,
and some of the people all the time,
but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

Abraham Lincoln
*
The Gas Board is coming - So is Christmas, we'll see which arrives first.
*
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold
of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
  --QUENTIN CRISP
*
All's well that ends.
*
"He played a mean guitar ... loved to drive in his Jag-u-ar"
*
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will
pick himself up and carry on...
  --WINSTON CHURCHILL
*
Alan's Motto: 
It's easier to make true enemies than true friends.
*
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
                -- John O'Hara
*
Bring the whole family... but leave the kids at home! - R. McDonald
*
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
*
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
*
The best way I know of to win an argument is
to start by being in the right.

Quentin Hogg
*
Killing is stupid; useless!
-- McCoy, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
*
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and
trees.

Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
*
A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,
through which one pours all his money.
*
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
*
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
*
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
*
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
*
A cow eats without a knife.
*
You will be a great success both in the business world and society.
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar
watch from Julian to Gregorian."
*
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
*
Strive to be what you want to be thought by others to be.
*
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
your principles.
*
Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be.
  --HOLBROOK JOHNSON
*
If one word does not succeed, ten thousand are of no avail.
*
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
*
Johnson's First Law:
        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        most inconvenient possible time.
*
A man and a woman marry because both of them don't know what to do with
themselves.
*
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
*
We are what we pretend to be.

KURT VONNEGUT, JR
*
Every solution breeds new problems.
*
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
*
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is
simple, neat, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken
*
IT'S ABOUT YOUR DRIVING. CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE?
     Seems Luis Bacardi is dubbed one of the worst drivers in Florida.
     Has been convicted 8 times for speeding, five times for running traffic
     signals, 3 times for reckless driving and has had his license 
     suspended 11 times and revoked 4 times. How many times wasn't he
     caught?
*
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 
*
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
*
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
*
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
*
Nothing succeeds like excess.
*
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
*
Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun,
       but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
*
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
*
Courage is grace under pressure.

Ernest Hemingway
*
Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
*
Finagle's Fourth Rule:
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 
*
A man must not swallow more beliefs than he can digest. 
-Havelock Ellis
*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.  They rented out my
room.
*
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical
overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses
have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new
weaknesses.
Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
*
Many a yo-yo think he have world on string.
*
Who's on first, what's on second, I don't know's on third.
*
Elevators smell different to midgets
*
You can tell when politicians are lying...They move their lips.
*
A night watchman is someone who earns a living without doing a day's
work.
*
The biggest difference between time and space is that you
can't reuse time.

Merrick Furst
*
Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed
down.
*
Sturgeon's Law:
        90% of everything is crud.
*
Conscience gets alot of credit that belongs to cold feet.
*
Sin now -- Pray Later!
*
There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're 
going to put a marker on the site. 
- Anon. 
*
He who hesitates is constipated.
*
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday....
and now you know why.
*
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
*
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 
*
There's no smoke without mud being flung around.
*
This is a true story.  Last night I was in a minor accident on the
highway.  We both pulled off to the side and as soon as I smelled the other
guy's breath it was obvious he had been smoking pot.  When the cops finally
showed up, I told one of them this and he said, "and just how do *you* know
what pot smells like".  I told him I used to use it before I was nominated
to the Supreme Court.
*
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss or Mr and Mrs Daneeka,
Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your
husband,son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missed in
action.
*
The universe is laughing behind your back.
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
*
Anyone can hate.  It costs to love.
  --JOHN WILLIAMSON
*
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
*
Our people are warriors, often savage, but we are also many other
pleasant things.
-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
There's nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex...
People should be very free with sex - they should draw the line at goats.
*
Men have to do some awfully mean things
to keep up their respectability.

George Bernard Shaw
*
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
*
When pregnant:  It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
*
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
*
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
*
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have
happened toevery one you know, only more so.
*
In all ages hypocrites, called priests, have put crowns
upon the heads of thieves, called kings.    
*
A committee is a gathering of important people who singly can 
do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 
- Fred Allen - 
*
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can never hope to acquire it.
*
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
*
The generation of random numbers is too important
   to be left to chance.
*
I must follow them.  I am their leader.
*
"To know all things is not permitted."
---Horace (65-8 B.C.)
*
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
*
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
*
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
*
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
*
When choosing between two evils I always like to 
take the one I've never tried before. 
-Mae West (1892-1980) 
*
You thought I was taking your woman away from you.  You're jealous.
You tried to kill me with your bare hands.  Would a Kelvan do that?
Would he have to?  You're reacting with the emotions of a human.
You are human.
-- Kirk, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
It is what you aspire to rather than what you attain that brings into 
being even what you do attain.  Never set your sights too low. 
-Miriam Allen De Ford 
*
Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of.
                                 - Joseph McCarthy
*
"Beware of the man who goes to cocktail parties not to drink but to listen."
---Pierre Daninos
*
Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming
off a production line to make sure that at least one out of
100 works.
*
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns
it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells
us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are
ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard
way."

Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
*
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
*
A man needs a wife because, sooner or later, something is bound to happen
that he can't blame on the Government.
*
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try
multiplying by the page number.
*
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
*
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
*
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
*
Epitaph: 
 Here lies an honest lawyer. 
 That is strange. 
*
The average person who wears a bow tie 
is distrusted by almost everyone.
-John Malloy 
*
A woman should have compassion.
-- Kirk, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
By holding "Nude disco's", Stockport has confirmed itself as a modern
liberated Town, and rather more than a Railway Junction!'
*
Its hard to forget a girl when you buy her a gift on time
*
There are many aspects of human irrationality I do not yet comprehend.
Obsession, for one.  The persistent single-minded fixation on one idea.
-- Spock, "Obsession," stardate 3619.6.
*
There's no future in time travel
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
*
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
*
Are contraceptives unavailable for sale during a French postal strike??
*
It's not only who you know, but what you know about who you know
that counts.
*
Win or lose, you lose.
*
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
*
All work and no play,
    will make you a manager.
*
My one claim to fame among Irishmen is that I never make a speech.
*
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
*
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
*
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
*
Hypochondriac: someone who enjoys bad health.
*
The seen is the changing,
the unseen is the unchanging.
                   - Plato
*
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back, you've got something.
*
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing the
unbelievable for so long with so little, that we now attempt the
IMPOSSIBLE with nothing.
*
Some actions have an end but no beginning; some begin but do not end.
It all depends upon where the observer is standing.
- Frank Herbert
*
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
*
Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime
reputation as an expert without ever once being right.
*
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
*
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
*
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
Too bad its not a fence.
*
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
*
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
*
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a
pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

George Bernard Shaw
*
Few men know how to kiss well; fortunately, I've always had time
to teach them.
  --MAE WEST
*
We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.

Johann von Goethe
*
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
year.
Steve Rubenstein
*
The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his
clients to plant vines.
*
"Change your life!  Change your socks!
Change yourself into a 9 year-old Hindu boy!"
*
Heaven:   A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
you expound your own.
*
At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the
Cliche.

Stanislaw J. Lec
*
A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense
of humus.
*
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
*
Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.
*
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields
*
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
*
I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which
to carry an election.
*
I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining.
I believe in love, even when no one is here.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.

               inscribed on a wall in Auswich
*
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
transparency.
*
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to
put on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her
on a pedestal the better to view her legs.
*
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
*
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
*
Businessmen should stand or fall on their own two feet.
*
Colloquium announcement:
	Research shows the first five minutes of life
	can be the most risky.

Hand-written note underneath:
	The last five minutes aren't so hot either.
*
Bug:
	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when people 
get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
*
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
                -- Dolph Sharp
*
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff
that nature replaces it with.

Tenessee Williams
*
Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a
special case.
*
Love is like war: easy to begin, but very hard to stop.
*
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
*
An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
*
You're never too old to become younger.
Mae West
*
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a
parrot.

Mark Twain
*
Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the
safety of reminiscence.
*
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
*
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
*
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
*
... and I wouldn't like to be sitting in Alain Prost's shoes right now.
*
Conscience:    Something that feels terrible when every thing else feels
swell.
*
Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of the country is advocaat,
a drink made from lawyers.
*
To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and
break all the mirrors.
*
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
triangle."
*
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
*
"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he actually knows."
---Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
*
Good sense is easier to have than use.
*
Will I live tomorrow?  Well, I just can't say.
But one thing's for sure.  I don't live today. -- Jimi Hendrix
*
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
*
The history of the world which is taught to our children
is essentially a series of race murders.
*
All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise -
which is impossible.
*
You are witty and fond of fun.
*
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Oscar Wilde
*
Is man one of God's blunders or is god one of Man's blunders?
*
Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth -
to see it like it is, and tell it like it is -
to find the truth, to speak the truth, and live the truth.

Richard M. Nixon. Accepting the presidential nomination in
1968
*
The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
*
Curios, how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.
-- Spock, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
incredible jailbreak.
WAVY GRAVY
*
"Society is always taken by surprise at any new example of common sense."
*
Q. How many IPSE (Research Group) people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 100. 99 to discuss the implications of advanced generic rotational
protrusive-recessive interfaces (AGRPRI's) on illumination management
in the large, - and one to screw the bulb into the socket.
*
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
*
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
*
A kiss sounds the same as when a cow drags her hind hoof out of a swamp.
  --OLD GERMAN METAPHOR
*
A little ignorance can go a long way.
*
Reality sure is big...
*
Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

Marcel Archard
*
Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained 
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. 
- Pat Paulsen - 
*
This was in the Dear Abby column in today's paper.

  Calorie Counter's Prayer

The Lord is my shepard I shall not want.
He maketh me lie down and do push-ups
He giveth me sodium free bread.
He restoreth my waistline.
He leadeth me past the refrigerator for mine own sake
he maketh me to partake of green beans instead of potatoes
he leadeth me past the pizzeria
yeah though I walk through the bakery
I shall not falter for thou art with me.
They diet colas comfort me.
Thou preparest a diet for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my lettuce with low-cal oil.
My cup will not overflow.
Surely Ry-Krisp and D-Zerta shall follow me all the days of my life And I
will live with the pains of hunger forever.
Amen
*
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
"deregulated" the airline industry.  What this means for you, the
consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
rules whatsoever.  They can show snuff movies.  They can charge for
oxygen.  They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
Person School.  They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
over water.  They can ram competing planes in mid-air.  These
innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do
apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
		-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
*
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- Derek Bok, 1978
*
The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the
future, and somewhat to the south.
  --LANCE MORROW
*
To all virgins.  Thanks for nothing
*
Fahnestock's Rule: 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
*
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
*
A meeting is a conference held to decide 
when the next meeting will take place. 
*
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
*
		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
     bomb; use the stairs.
(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
     the ground.
(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
     psychological problems.
(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
     staggering illegally.
(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
     sanitary due to limited circulation.
(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
     D-Day.
*
Insufficient facts always invite danger.
-- Spock, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
Owing to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
*
Recycle, recycle!
*
The unnatural, that too is natural. 
-Goethe (1749-1832) 
*
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the
body. This means that only left handed people are in their
right mind.
*
Vanilla, adj.:
	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,
very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
and sour won ton soup.
*
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter."
-- Blaise Pascal
*
*
"If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
*
"A woman, like a good piece of music,
should have a solid end."

F. Schubert
*
The way to a man's heart is through his veins.
*
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
     money doesn't buy happiness.
*
Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
apparently incoherent songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I
neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear.  They told a
tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension:  they
were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish.  Every tone was a
testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
chains.
		-- Frederick Douglass
*
Hang up your logic over there.
*
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends
the first two laws.
*
The Pessimist's guide to Engineer-talk.  (what they say - what they mean)
"Ok, that's good"		
		- What the hell was that noise?!?
"We've noticed some failure evidence"		
		- Something's burning...
"If you'll just..."				
		- I don't want to be the one to blame when it crashes
"Yes, you'd expect to see that..."
		- Hell, that's stuffed as well!
"We'll just fit a revision"			
		- We'll put the same version in from a different tape.
*
Love me, love my dog.  --- John Heywood
*
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
*
We have the power to make this the best generation of
mankind in the history of the world - or to make it the last.

John F. Kennedy
*
It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working
for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies.
*
First Law of Bicycling:
        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
        wind.
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
*
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
*
Vote early, and vote often.
*
Matz's Maxim:  
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
*
"You've learned to live with yourself when you can drive
around the block alone without turning on your car radio."
*
"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy."
*
"Move over, Rover, and let Jimi take over."
*
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Ogden Nash
*
Used bicycle for Girl with Leather Seat.
*
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
*
Iron Law of Distribution:
        Them that has, gets.
*
Another one bites the dust.
*
Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.
Charles Lamb
*
Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
*
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
                -- Henry Kissinger
*
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
*
Always put off until tomorrow the things you shouldn't do at all.
*
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Samuel Goldwyn
*
Scott's first Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
*
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
*
The fact that he has won has probably done him more good than harm.
*
Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again. 
*
Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.
*
If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier
machine.
*
Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers,
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
*
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the
task completely overwhelm me.
*
"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems."
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof
      because fools are so ingenious.
*
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
*
It may be GUI but you still can't eat it!
*
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
*
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
 - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
*
The cost of living is going up,
and the chance of living is going down.
*
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I'm having a
good time.
*
No woman is worth the loss of a night's sleep.
*
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded
on the Christian Religion"
George Washington -
*
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with
your mate's new lover.
*
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an
approaching train.
*
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
*
Hush! Hush! Secret! I came from a fortune cookie factory.
*
Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.
*
"We don't care.  We don't have to." -- The Phone Company
*
... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.  Eighties people
buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s
couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
*
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
*
You can't get anything without working for it.
*
CHILD ABUSE
     According to The U.S. Advisory Board on Child abuse, sexual abuse
     of children increased 233% in the decade ending in 1986. 340,000
     cases were reported for 1989. Studies show that one in five girls
     and one in eleven boys are molested by the time they are 16 years
     old.
*
Love: A mutual misunderstanding.
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
*
You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
names.  Here's the complete text:

	"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
	"(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
	"(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
	     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
	     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
	     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
	     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
	     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
form.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
*
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
*
You will meet a love-starved stewardess from
the Planet of Love-starved Stewardesses.
*
This cookie will soon appear as a Bantam paperback.
*
Words are the voice of the heart.
*
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained
it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I
chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to
the point where it would not run at all.
		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
		   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
*
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
*
Alone: In bad company.
*
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
*
"All flesh is grass"
-- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
*
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
*
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

Bill Murray
*
Why don't you get a haircut?  You look like a chrysanthemum.
*
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant
from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to
hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
*
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        There's always one more bug.
*
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".
Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Mark Twain
*
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
*
Ernest Vettori, the man of the moment, last year.
*
Life is pleasant, but I have no yearning to clutter up the universe after
it is over.
*
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
*
Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they
are used.
*
...humanity...[the] striving of man to achieve greatness through
his own resources.
-- Anton Karidian, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2819.1.
*
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a
soap bubble?
*
Their football was exceptionally good...and they played some good football.
*
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
*
You can't underestimate the power of fear.

TRICIA NIXON
*
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
*
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You
get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.

Lauren Bacall
*
ROMEO:    Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
*
Physical laws simply cannot be ignored.  Existence cannot be without them.
-- Spock, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
Familiarity breeds attempt
*
Meet George Jetson; his boy Elroy; daughter Judy; Jane, his wife.
*
He who hesitates is constipated.
*
Maier's Law:  
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 
*
All programmers want arrays!
*
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that
extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a
person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving
"normally."

Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
*
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
  --SAMUEL GOLDWYN
*
If it had to choose who is to be crucified,
the croud will always save Barabbas.
*
Friction is a drag...
*
It would seem that men always need some idiotic fiction 
in the name of which they can hate one another.   
Once it was religion.  Now it is the State.  
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
*
No woman can shake off her mother.  There should be no mothers, only women.
*
Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass.  Who do you trust?
*
	Them Toad Suckers

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
		-- Mason Williams
*
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
*
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
*
If I had no duties, and no reference to futurity, I would spend my life in
driving briskly in a post-chaise with a pretty woman.
*
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

Joseph Wood Krutch
*
"<--<< This way to the egress" -- P. T. Barnum
*
The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is the reason He made so many of them.
-Abraham Lincoln 
*
The client who pays the least complains the most. 
*
Divorces $85.  Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Partner Back!
*
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
*
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not sure....
*
I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. 
-Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) 
*
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
NIELS BOHR
*
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
*
Our home-made claret competition was a big success.
Winners : Mrs Arnold (fruity, well rounded),
Mrs Stephens (fine colour and full-bodied),
and Miss Smith (slightly acid).
*
What are friends for? - R.M. Nixon
*
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, 
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, 
Thursday, and Saturday. 
- William Bragg - 
*
Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation.
*
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
*
Masterbation is the thinking man's television.
*
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
*
Bloke at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China.
He's out there now trying to win a trip back!
*
"A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper."
-- Dyer
*
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
*
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
*
If you can actually count your money
then you are not really a rich man.

Paul Getty
*
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
lobotomy.
*
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
*
Unicorns aren't mythical--virgins are!!
*
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
*
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from
here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get
to," said the Cat.

Lewis Carrol
*
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
        can never hope to acquire it.
*
Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes.  Pull on
rubber gloves.  Smear Vaseline over your glasses, and
there you have it: instant old age.
-Malcolm Cowley
*
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think
of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
*
If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at other people.
*
ANOTHER MILLION OR MORE TO MADE WITH A SCREWY IDEA?
     Well, those round, plastic strainers that sit in the bottom of
     urinals can now come with any printed face that you provide.
     Made by a company called Urinique produces. This is from
     Herb Caen.
*
Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.
*
Anatomy section closed due to strike.  Skeleton service available.
*
It's the fallen women who are usually picked up.
*
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
*
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
*
"Experience may be the best teacher, though there is not much
proof and the bills are terribly high."
*
 "What I think is this; all the misconceptions about sexuality will
  straighten out if everyone simply grows up.  For a grown-up human
  being, what's good in bed is to be with another human being one
  truly cares about.  And, what one cares about in bed is exactly
  the same as what one cares about out of bed... honesty, imagination,
  a little mischief, and a lot of kindness."
*
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.

Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
*
"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
*
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had
the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you,
I feel like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X," stardate 1535.8.
*
THAT CRACKER JACK PRIZE
     An 8-year-old girl in Huntington, W.Va., got a special prize out
     of her Cracker Jack box. It was a small booklet titled "Erotic Sex
     Positions Around The World." Only an inch square, the book was still
     large enough to have detailed drawings of people in various sex acts
     in various positions. The little girl asked her mommy if it was 'an
     exercise book'.
*
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the
negatives at any price.
*
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
*
Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit! - Tericius
*
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a
psychopath to your door.
*
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
*
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There
is nothing good in war.  Except its ending.
-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
Menu, n.:
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
*
"You are an A.I. tumble-bun."
*
No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war.
He talks of peace if it is the only way to live.
-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain,"
stardate 5906.5.
*
Ode to Turbulent Flow

Big whirls have little whirls
which feed on their velocity,
and little whirls have lesser whirls
and so on, to viscosity.

- Unknown engineering student
*
Experience is a good school but is not very strong on vacations.
*
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
*
Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also easy
to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.
*
If it works, Don't fix it.
*
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
*
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
*
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
and detective stories.
ARTHUR C CLARKE
*
He that would the daughter win, Must with the mother first
begin.

English Proverb
*
What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.

Confucius
*
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
*
        TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
*
The Roman Rule
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt
the one who is doing it.
*
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
*
Justice is incedental to law and order.
J EDGAR HOOVER
*
Ihr Racker, wolt ihr ewig leben?

Rascals, would you live forever? -- Frederick the Great - at Kolin, 
18th of June, 1757.
*
Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling
to be free.
*
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is
when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very
difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling
houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have
successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
*
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
*
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more
than he knows.
*
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
*
She had a penetrating sort of laugh.  Rather like a train going into
a tunnel.
*
Polymer physicists are into chains.
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
 - Thoreau -
*
Programmers get overlaid.
*
Get your motor runnin'. Head out on the highway.
*
Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own
punishment with it.
*
A bird does not sing because it has an answer.  It sings because it has
a song.
*
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
*
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
*
We live under a system by which the many are exploited by the few,
and war is the ultimate sanction of that exploitation.
*
The generation of random numbers is too important
   to be left to chance.
*
Buy old masters.  They bring better prices than young mistresses. 
-Lord Beaverbrook (1879-1964) 
*
There are no liberals behind steering wheels.
  --RUSSELL BAKER
*
Some points to remember [about animals]:

1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants,
rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down
the front of your clothes;
3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and
scorpions ordogs you have just kicked.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
*
No Real Programmer works 9:00 to 5:00 (unless it's 9:00pm to 5:00am).
*
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would
destroy civilization.
*
Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.

Margaret Mead. American anthropologist
*
"The older you get, the more important is is not to act your age."
*
What men call gallantry, and gods adultery, is much more common where the
climate's sultry.
*
The London season is entirely matrimonial; people are either hunting for
jusbands or hiding from them.
*
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
*
Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.
                                -Albert Camus
*
No good deed goes unpunished.
*
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
*
Chess is about as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as
you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency.

Raymond Chandler
*
Larkinson's Law:
All laws are basically false.
*
IBM Manual:          The following is a hertofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn
thing you can do about it.
*
Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.
*
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
*
If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question.
*
No hand signals.  The driver of this vehicle is a convicted arab shoplifter
*
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially
if they're attractive in some way.
-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles," stardate 4525.6.
*
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
*
Caution:  breathing may be hazardous to your health.
*
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
*
Marks' Law: 
A fool and your money are soon partners. 
*
A "critic" is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified
to judge the work of creative people.  There is logic in this; he is
unbiased--he hates all creative people equally.
*
My wife does wonderful things with leftovers - she throws them out.
*
The end of the human race is that it will die of
civilization.

R.W. Emerson
*
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
*
The chief aim of wisdom is to enable one to
bear with the stupidity of the ignorant.
*
"AAALLLL-VVIIIINNNNN!" -- David Seville|"o-KAY, Dave!" -- Alvin the Chipmunk
*
"Smoke a little dope and walk out in the air:
the stars are all connected to the brain." -- The Who
*
A father doesn't destroy his children.
-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
What most men desire is a virgin who is a whore.
*
The right man, in the right place, at the right time -
can steal millions.

Gregory Nunn
*
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the
problem.
*
Hawaii is as American as apple poi.
*
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
Double your pleasure, Double your fun.  Xerox your pay-cheques.
*
I was so far behind, I thought I was 1st.
*
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is
no good.
*
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
*
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.

He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
market.

If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.

Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
*
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
*
The Watergate Principle:
Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense. 
*
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
*
Your help will be needed in an embarrassing situation.
*
Examine what is said, not who speaks.

Arabian Proverb
*
Marriage is like life in this: it is a field of bettle and not a bed of
roses.
*
The kegger lasted far into the night,
and the next morning, Dave stuck his foot
into a shoe full of cranky, hung-over,
stimulus-response scorpions.
*
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
*
Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.
*
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
*
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
*
Q.  How many CS216 Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  Two.  One to change the lightbulb, and one to explain why
the lightbulbs used locally don't follow the International
Standard 7-layer Lighting Model.
*
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
     and all of the people some of the time,
     but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
*
The best prophet of the future is the past.
*
Steffi (Graf) has a tremendous presence when you're standing right next to
her.
*
Stop day dreaming about success. Go out and obtain it.
*
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
*
Just remember:  when in doubt, you're always right.
*
In some cases non-violence requires more militancy than violence.
- Cesar Chavez
*
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul  
can always depend on the support of Paul. 
-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 
*
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
        $19.95.
*
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
*
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research
*
... primitive structure [Scotty].  Insufficient safeguards built in.
Breakdown can occur from many causes.  Self-maintenance systems low
reliability.
-- Nomad, "The Changeling," stardate 3541.9.
*
"Prison reform will not work until we start sending
a better class of peopel there."
*
The President isn't going on vacation.  He's going on holiday.
*
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with
earth is concerned.
*
He who would leap high must take a long run.
*
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
  --RITA MAE BROWN
*
Respect is a rational process.
-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
When the system programmers declare the system works, it has worked,
and will work again some day.
*
He that is wise by day is no fool at night.
*
A present, over which you will shed tears of joy.
*
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
*
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
*
There is no fortress so strong
that money cannot take it.
*
Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all
about.  That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
*
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
*
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto
a freeway.
*
A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work 
without performing a backup.
*
Found on a door in the MSU music building:
     This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
          (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
*
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
*
The great tragedies of history occur not when right confronts wrong
but when two rights confront each other.
   --HENRY KISSINGER
*
Experience teaches you to recognize 
a mistake when you've made it again. 
*
Revenge is a dish best served cold. 
-Klingon Proverb 
*
The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that
one of the horses must win.
  --JOEY ADAMS
*
Can't help about the shape I'm in,
I can't sing, I ain't pretty and my legs are thin.
Don't ask me what I think of you,
I might not give the answers that you want me to.
*
Si Dios no hubiera descansado el domingo
habr¡a tenido tiempo de terminar el mundo.
(If God hadn't rested on Sunday,
He would have had time to finish the world.)
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez,
"Los Funerales de Mam  Grande", 1974
*
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
                -- Oscar Wilde
*
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If
Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But
if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity."

Benjamin Disraeli
*
Chemists really know their bismuth.
*
To  detect  errors,  the programmer must have a conniving mind; 
one  that  delights  in  uncovering  flaws  where  beauty   and 
perfection were once thought to lie. 
- Weinberg, p.136 
*
It is long accepted by the missionaries that morality is inversely
proportional to the amount of clothing people wore.
- Alex Carey
*
Humans smile with so little provocation.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
On a clear disk you can seek forever...
*
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
*
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked
like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

Mark Twain
*
I KNOW two plus two is four!  But I want to know WHY!!
*
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
*
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
*
Never be last.
*
If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect.
*
Boss, n.:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle
Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely
synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a
supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."
*
Warranty: Disclaimer. 
*
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
*
Burroughs programmers have to pay a Poll tax.
*
He seems to have found a chink in Chang's armour.
*
"One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock..."
*
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
*
May our nation continue to be a beaken (sic) of hope to the world...
*
The mind is an errogenous zone.
*
There is no time like the pleasant.

George Bergman
*
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
*
Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
*
Good golly, Miss Molly!
*
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syallable of recorded time;
And all of our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
                 William Shakespeare "Macbeth"
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."
*
All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going
to last.
*
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal
means.
*
If you can't dazzle 'em with dexterity, baffle 'em with bullsh*t!
				- Prof H. Hill
*
Remember the tortoise - you only make headway if you stick your neck out.
*
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
*
All three girls, medalists in the Commonwealth Games, continue their duel.
*
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
*
Rhode's Law:
	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
	circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
	empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied,
	inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically
	guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
	expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal
	comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above,
	be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
	adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally,
	immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes
	advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
*
Lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on our part!
*
"It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious."
*
Elevators smell different to midgets
*
A friend asks only for your time, not your money.
*
Statistics - figures used as arguments.

Leonard Louis Levinson
*
"She sings a high note like she'd stepped in a bear trap"
                                    ---Caloosa Belle Newspaper
*
Success is one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
*
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish.  You would sue:

*
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
*
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
if you don't use your thumbs.
*
Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a
fortune.
*
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 
-A. H. Weiler 
*
I said, Prick his Boil!!
*
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and you are wearing MilkBone underwear.
*
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
*
I really hate this damn machine, I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want, but only what I tell it.
*
Kablaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
*
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

E. Rutherford (who later won a Nobel prize in Chemistry)
*
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
*
"Welcome to Milliways: the restaurant at the end of the Universe!"
*
If change is -- inevitable -- predictable -- beneficial -- doesn't
logic demand that you be a part of it?
One man cannot summon the future.
But one man can change the present!
-- Kirk and the Alternate Spock, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown
*
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
*
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
*
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue. 
-GREEK SAYING 
*
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
		-- Isaac Newton

In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
		-- Gerald Holton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders.
		-- Hal Abelson

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
		-- Brian K. Reid
*
Preposterous, adj.  The idea that murder is a crime.
*
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
*
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
*
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
BULLWINKLE MOOSE
*
Heisenburg may have slept here.
*
Condense soup, not books!
*
"Don't Panic" -- The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
*
You seem to be batting into sticky water.
*
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
*
I count him braver who conquers his desires than him who conquers his
enemies; for the hardest victory is over oneself -- Aristotle
*
There are those that say, and those that do.

Andrew Campbell
*
We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
*
Kin:  An affliction of the blood
*
Love is not an art, but a way of living.
*
ADAPTATION THEORIES:
1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
   commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command
   structure.
2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the
   system, the system is revised, the "bug" is taken away, and you're left
   with a useless routine.
3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariably lead to
   work in improving user's "computer literacy".
4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
*
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        in kernel as it is in user!
*
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
*
Peoples and governments have never learned anything from history,
or acted upon principles deductible from it.
*
As maintenance costs are rising every month, parishioners are asked to
kindly cut the grass around their own graves.
*
Committees: A group that takes minutes and wastes hours.
*
SNAFU EQUATIONS:
1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
4) Interchangeable devices won't.
5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, 
   there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone 
   else.
6) Badness comes in waves.
*
"Why do we call them buildings when they are already finished? We should
call them BUILTS!"
                           --- Gallagher
*
King Merekek of Abyssinia wanted to follow in America's footsteps and
electrocute his country's nastiest criminals, so he coughed up a
bundle for a fancy electric chair.  But when he got it, he realized
he'd overlooked one thing -- there was no electricity in Abyssinia.
     So Abyssinia's killers continued to be dispatched in more
traditional ways -- and Merekek used the electric chair as a throne.
*
Schizophrenia rules.  OK.  OK.
*
Dawn, n.:
The time when men of reason go to bed.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.
*
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
*
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
*
If time is money, we are all living beyond our means.
*
QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
	1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
	kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2.
	[colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can
	carry; 3. [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the
	region of the anus; 4. [slang] person who excites in others the
	symptoms of a qwert.
		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
*
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.
*
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
*
A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.
*
Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff--small and flaky
*
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
*
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
"Murphy was an optimist."
*
I have a memory like an elephant.  In fact, elephants often consult me.
*
I do not mind what language an opera is sung in as long as it is a language
I do not understand.
*
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

George Benard Shaw
*
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
*
Where you sit determines what you see.
*
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble.
   Pride is what keeps us there.
*
Man are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
*
Going through Jimmy White's mind now will be the winning post.
*
	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
leads to violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
library, we could call each other up:

     You: Hello?  Bob?
     Bob: Yes?
     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
	  have to get back to you.
     Bob: Fine.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
*
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
*
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
*
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do
it.

Andrew Young
*
University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
*
Laetrile is the pits.
*
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play,"
never find the time for play?
*
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
*
		The STAR WARS Song
	Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
	S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
*
I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.
*
One nice thing about being dead is that you become eligible
to appear on stamps and currency.
*
As far as we know, our computer has had no undetected errors. 
*
Putt's Law:
        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
            Those who understand what they do not manage.
            Those who manage what they do not understand.
*
All great discoveries are made by accident.
*
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
*
Too much doubt is better than too much credulity. 
-Robert G. Ingersoll 
*
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
*
Lysistrata had a good idea.
*
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
*
The best years are the forties; after fifty a man begins to deteriorate,
but in the forties he is at the maximum of his villainy.
  --H.L. MENCKEN
*
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't
believe a thing he tells you.
*
I never dared to be a radical when young for fear
it would make me a conservative when old.
*
If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
*
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.
*
Absolute zero is cool.
*
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Martin Luther King, Jr.
*
Men of peace usually are [brave].
-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
Now that I've gone too far, where do I go now
*
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
*
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall
into a pit.
*
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one
can do without thinking about them.
*
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
and cut with an axe.
*
Harvard Law:
        Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
        temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
        organism will do as it damn well pleases.
*
I do alot of research, especially in the apartments of tall blondes.
*
Education: the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by
the incompetent.
  --JOHN MAYNARD KEYNES
*
"If Beethoven's seventh symphony is not by some means abridged, it will 
soon fall into disuse".
*
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
*
Grelb's Reminder:
        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        average drivers.
*
Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct
them, their funerals cost them nothing, and noone starts lawsuits over their
wills.
  --VOLTAIRE
*
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE NAME "CHAKA"
     Too many people have. It can be seen from Los Angeles to San Francisco,
     painted by the most notorious graffiti artist ever.  Daniel Ramos, 18,
     has been arrested for his vandalism and pleaded no contest to the
     charges. "It's the worst case of graffiti vandalism we have ever heard
     of anywhere in the nation," says James Hahn, city attorney.
*
Every science begins as philosophy
and ends as art.
*
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
*
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
*
The man who reads nothing at all is better educated
than the man who reads nothing but newspapers. 
-Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) 
*
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.

Maurice Chevalier
*
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 
'twould inevitably have been always thus. 
-Dean Lattimer 
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*
Don't order a drink for the road,
because the road is already laid out.

Flip Wilson
*
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. --
Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
*
He's a distinguished man of letters.  He works for the Post Office.
*
OCCAM programmers do it in parallel
*
The thoughtless are rarely wordless.

Howard W. Newton
*
I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a
woman in it.

Marilyn Monroe
*
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
*
One of the worst things that can happen in life 
is to win a bet on a horse at an early age. 
-Danny McGoorty (1901-1970) 
*
A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry
*
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
*
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you
remember.

Oscar Levant
*
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching
television by candlelight.
*
"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"
*
We are wise enugh to know we are wise enough not to interfere with
the way of a man or another world.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
In times of disorder and stress, the fanatics
play a prominent role; in times of peace, the
critics. Both are shot after the revolution.
*
The sins that tarnish whore and thief
Beset me every day. 
My most ethereal belief 
Inhabits common clay. 
-Gamaliel Bradford 
*
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does
going to school make a person educated, any more than going
to a garage makes a person a car.
*
If you're speaking of worships of sorts, we represent many beliefs.
-- McCoy, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
*
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.
If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, 
it's because they were up all night. 
*
Dr. Faustus, call your service.
*
   Let priests and philosophers
   Brood over questions of reality and illusion
   I know this:
        If life is illusion
        Then I am no less an illusion
        And being thus,
        The illusion is real to me.

   I live,
   I burn with life,
   I love,
   I slay,
       and am content.
                        -Conan The Barbarian
*
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
                -- Mark Twain
*
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
   Open it and you remove all doubt.
*
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
*
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news
soon.
*
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
*
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
*
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam ... Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam ...
*
I like work...
I can sit and watch it for hours.
*
Neil Armstrong tripped.
*
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*
It is impossible to please the whole world and your mother-in-law aswell.
*
"The brain is as strong as its weakest think."
*
Chris Lloyd came out of the dressing room like a pistol.
*
I eat from the three basic food groups -- canned, frozen and take-out.
*
A lie in time saves nine.
*
Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
*
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
*
Happiness is good health, and a bad memory.
*
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
*
For success today, look first to yourself.
*
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No".
*
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
Walt Kelly
*
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true.
- James B. Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 1926
*
The wind and waves are always on the side of the ablest
navigators.

Edward Gibbon
*
You will always get what you want through your charm and personality.
*
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
*
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
*
If it weren't for the last minute, an awful lot of things would never get
done.
*
"It is a luxury to be understood."
*
Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
*
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
*
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Mark Twain
*
The best trips are the kind where you can be home by noon.
*
As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.
*
They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results
	About a month before.			Their hair began to curl
The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it
	But rather less than more.		We'd run the thing through PRL.

He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this
	To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be
And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest
	The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me.

My notion was to start again
	Ignoring all they'd done
We quickly turned it into code
	To see if it would run.
*
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a
headache.
*
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to
ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
its own experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do
enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
		-- Henry Kissinger
*
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by
Tuesday.
*
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
*
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
  --HELEN KELLER
*
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the universe
again ..."  An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
starfield surrounding the ship.

"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but they
are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have been
intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
*
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
*
This is another fine myth you've gotten me into! - Lor L. and Har D.
*
How will we live?
You'll learn to build houses to keep warm.  You'll work. ... Humans
have survived under worse conditions.  It's a matter of evolution.
Give it time.
-- Kara the Eymorg and Kirk, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
*
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did so without warranty.
*
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
*
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
*
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
    I found a pile of them over in the corner.
*
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
*
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank."
*
All diplomacy is a continuation of war
by other means.
*
"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"

"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do
to food, right?"

MacNelley, "Shoe"
*
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
*
When women kiss, it always reminds me of prize-fighters shaking hands.
*
Religion is the opiate of the masses.

Karl Marx
*
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
*
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        Murphy was an optimist.
*
Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
*
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone else have your way.
*
There's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.
-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
ARE WE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP --

Or just doing research on each other?
*
We have always fought.  We must; we are hunters ... tracking and taking
what we need.  There are poor planets in the Klingon systems ... we
must push outward if we are to survive.
-- Mara, the wife of the Klingon Commander, "Day of the Dove,"
stardate unknown.
*
There's no fuel like an old fuel.
*
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand,
but we must build as if the sand were stone.
- Jorge Luis Borges, 1972
*
Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be enjoying
themselves.
*
There's always one more bug.
*
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find
this woman and stop her.
*
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united
with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
  --GOYA
*
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
*
One should always be in love. 
That is the reason one should never marry. 
-Oscar Wilde 
*
Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
*
Higgeldy Piggeldy,
Hamlet of Elsinore
Ruffled the critics by
Dropping this bomb:
"Phooey on Freud and his
Psychoanalysis --
Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
I just love Mom."
*
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
*
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
                -- Clarence Darrow
*
Massachusett's has some of the best politicians money can buy.
*
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

GROUCHO MARX
*
Men willingly believe what they wish.
- Julius Caesar
*
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult
off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes
eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the
phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make
sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ...
*
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
*
He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.
*
"Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying."
*
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl, in a light so dim, he would not
have chosen a suit by it.
*
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is
always a woman.
-- Kirk, "Conscience of the King," stardate unknown.
*
You cannot propel youself forward by patting yourself on the back.
*
One China expert, L. Ladany, estimates that between 1959 and 1962,
starvation ended the lives of as many as 50 million Chinese, over
eight times the number of Jews murdered by Hitler in Nazi Germany.
This was the direct result of the Mao government's central planning.
It was called "The Great Leap Forward."
*
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
*
Calamities are of two kinds: Misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to
others.
*
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
*
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
*
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we
must carry it with us or we find it not.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
*
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
Over the past three years, the General Electric Co. had profits of $6.5
billion.  It paid no federal income tax.  Dow Chemical had profits of $776
million; Union Carbide, $613 million; W.R. Grace & Co., $684 million.
None of them paid a dime in federal income tax.  Together the four 
companies claimed refunds -- refunds, if you please! -- of more than half
a billion dollars.
*
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months - I don't like
to interrupt her.
*
This cookie intentionally left empty.
*
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
the following questions:

(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
    food?
(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
    longer.)

That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
*
Q. How many Formal Methods Academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 10. 9 to prove that the new bulb is consistent with the old bulb -
and one to screw it in.
*
What is a magician but a practising theorist?

Obi-Wan Kenobi
*
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid
      doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
*
In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
  --FRIEDRICH NIETZCHE
*
I will not be indexed, filed, stamped, numbered, briefed, debriefed;
I am not a number! I am a free man!          - The Prisoner
*
Things will get worse before they get better.
*
Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.
*
It's what you know after you know it all that counts.
  --HARRY S. TRUMAN
*
Prisons are built with stones of Law,
brothels with bricks of Religion.
*
The love that is fed with presents always requires feeding. 
-T. L. Haines 
*
He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.
*
To teach is to learn.

Japanese Proverb
*
YOU GONNA BUY A HUMVEE?  WHAT'S A HUMVEE?
     It's that rugged vehicle used in the Gulf, replacing the Jeep.
     Can drive over fallen trees and through 2 feet of mud. It is
     ruled street legal. Could appear in showrooms for civilian
     purchase. No price as yet.
*
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
*
All the cops in the donut shops say 'way-oh, way-oh'.
*
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures."
-- Daniel Webster
*
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
*
"I like smoke and lightning, heavy-metal thunder,
racing with the wind, and the feeling that I'm under."
*
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
without civilization in between.
OSCAR WILDE
*
I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
                                        -- Thomas Carlyle
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools
are so ingenious.

Edsel Murphy, dec.
*
Marriage may be compared to a cage.  The birds outside despair to get in
and those within despair to get out.
*
You will be made happy by receipt of good news.
*
In America you watch TV and think it's totally unreal -
then you step outside and it's just the same.
*
Money talks - sometimes it screams!
*
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
*
To hear some men talk of the government, you would
suppose that Congress was the Law of gravitation,
and kept the planets in their places.
*
August 12, 1990 (early morning).
        It is said that the two great human sins are pride and hate. Are
they? I elect to think of them as the two great virtues. To give away
pride and hate is to say you will change for the good of the world. To
embrace them, to vent them, is more noble; that is to say that the world
must change for the good of you. I am on a great adventure.
                                        HAROLD EMERY LAUDER
*
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
*
Your species is self-destructive.
-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Attention K-Mart shoppers!
*
Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
*
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
*
Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.
*
Possession, n. The whole of the law.
*
And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
*
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
*
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing
they could do was to go away.
*
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed.

Sean O'Casey
*
On dancing:  A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
*
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any
of them.

Dorothy Parker
*
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
*
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
*
Gillenson's Law of Expectation: 
Never get excited over how people look from behind. 
*
All art is a revolt against man's fate.
*
Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Love is sentimental measles.
*
Children make the best opponents in Scrabble, as they are both easy to
beat AND fun to cheat.
  --FRAN LEBOWITZ
*
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
                -- R. Geis
*
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
*
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end
     I wouldn't be suprised!
*
You have taken yourself too seriously.
*
These things are good in little measure and evil in large:
Yeast, Salt, and Hesitation.
  --THE TALMUD
*
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons
     really was a nut?
*
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin
of marvels.

- Goya -
*
If God had been in favor of homosexuality,
     He never would have created Anita Bryant!
*
Golly, Yogi, I don't think Mr. Ranger's gonna like this.
*
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
*
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
*
I would not enter on my list of friends, 
(Though grac'd with polish'd manners and fine sense 
Yet wanting sensibility) the man
Who needlessly sets foot upon a worm. 
-Cowper 
*
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

M. de Cervantes
*
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than
    in nuclear power plants.
*
Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
*
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually
sprained.
*
The Swartzberg Test:
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
*
Principle of Conservation of Ignorance: 
A false notion once arrived at is not easily dislodged. 
- Georg Cantor 
*
I am a marvellous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
*
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
*
Real programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
*
Save energy: be apathetic.
*
NEW YORK (AP) -- Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in
Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but
many say their friends' chances are considerably worse, according to a
new poll.
*
History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of
social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the
appalling silence of the good people.
  --MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
*
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word
"database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of
the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other
things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows,
therefore, that writing about databases is not only
unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
*
Leave your body in our hands.
*
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
GEORGE WALD
*
Patient: "Doctor, it hurts whenever I do this."
Doctor: "Well, then don't DO that!"
*
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is
thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.
Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off
their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
		-- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
		   COMING!"
*
Do not show your wounded finger, for
everything will knock up against it.

Baltasar Gracian
*
By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent
public temptation.
*
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
*
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
 - Winston Churchill -
*
The nation that is richest in proverbs (Spain) is the one
that has proved itself the least wise in action.

Joseph Jacobs
*
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
given them little.
*
The trouble with good ideas is that 
they quickly degenerate into hard work. 
-PETER DRUCKER 
*
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
him up.
*
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
*
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
*
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
*
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
*
A doll is a doll is a doll. - F. Sinatra
*
Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
*
I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself 
than be crowded on a velvet cushion. 
-Thoreau 
*
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
        or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
        should have gotten.
*
Genius, n.:
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
"bright".
*
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
*
Saving is a fine thing.  Especially when your parents have done it for
you.
*
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
   sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
*
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
*
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a
tweed coat is good for dandruff.

Peter de Vries
*
Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble
is, nearly everything is forbidden.
*
The game finely balanced with Celtic well on top...
*
Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts.
*
Its going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth
after they inherit it.
*
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
*
Men, like bullets, go farthest when they are smoothest.

Jean Paul Richter
*
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
focus of attention, the harder the task.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
*
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
*
Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night.  Vulgar.
*
Why do they call them "briefings" when they take SO LONG?
  --DARYL WESTFALL
*
Choose carefully the hills you want to die on.
*
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.

Ogden Nash
*
Hang Gliding,
Blast Baseball,
and Sod Cycling.
*
The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims
to a big lie than to a small one.

Adolf Hitler
*
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
*
Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2.
*
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
		-- Swinburne
*
My sad conviction is that people can only agree about what they are not
really interested in.
*
Kin, n.:
An affliction of the blood
*
Cecil, you're my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight Dope
For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously alive and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
		-- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
		   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
*
Earth history, remember?  Like the passenger pigeon or the buffalo ...
once there were millions of them; prairies black with them.  One herd
covered three whole states.  When they moved -- like thunder.
-- Professor Robert Crater, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.8.
*
I'm a man, yes I am, and I can't help but love you, girl.
*
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
*
When I reach for the stars, I may not quite get one, but I won't come
up with a handful of mud either.
*
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money.
-- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
*
Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because
it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly
if the goods are worthless.
*
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for
repairs.
*
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
*
Swipple's Rule of Order:

He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
*
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran.
*
Blood donors wanted.  Help keep us in the RED.
*
Excellent time to become a missing person.
*
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
*
Ability: the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.

                              --- Casey Stengel
                                  Baseball Great
                                  (1891-1975)
*
Sloppy, raggedy-assed old life.
I love it. I never want to die.

Dennis Trudell
*
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Henry N. Camp
*
Reality is a hypothesis.
*
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
*
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly,
or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
- Chuang Tzu
*
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
*
"I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it."
-- Edgar Allan Poe
*
Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
There are two ways to write error-free programs;
  only the third one works.
*
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
 - Winston Churchill -
*
A baby-sitter is a teenager who comes in to act like an adult while the
adults go out and act like teenagers!
*
First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If
you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
We are what we pretend to be. (most of the time!)
*
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their
inability to give bad examples.
*
Success to me is having ten honeydew melons and only eating the top half of
each one.
*
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
*
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
*
Don't believe those who say we don't give a darn.
*
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
*
When I am right nobody remembers...
When I am wrong nobody forgets!
*
Every reform movement has a lunatic fringe. 
-Theodore Roossevelt 
*
Collaboration, n.:
A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
other fellow can spell.
*
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
*
We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge,
but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.

Michel de Montaigne
*
Politics, n. pl.
A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our
criminal classes.
*
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into
theorems.
*
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
LUCINDA CHILDS (PHILIP GLASS: EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH)
*
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
*
"Life is a zoo in a jungle" - de Vries.
*
Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
*
Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old
age.

Victor Hugo
*
If everything is coming your way,
   you're in the wrong lane!
*
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
*
Law of the Search: The first place to look for
something is the last place you'd expect to find it.
*
Women should be obscene and not heard.
*
A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
*
You will always be successful in your business or professional career.
*
"Turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon
cannot hear the falconer.  Things fall apart; the
center cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the
world.  The blood-dimmed time is loosed and
everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned.  The
best lack conviction, while the worst are full of
passionate intensity."
                     -- William Yeats, from _The Second Coming_.
*
For those of you who think life is a joke,
  just think of the punchline.
*
Three - coarse lunches œ1.15
*
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
*
People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the
breakfast table.
*
In the town where I was born, lived a man who went to sea,
and he told us of his life in the land of submarines.
*
Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder.
*
You will be surrounded by luxury.
*
"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"
                      -- Shakespeare "King Richard III"
                         Act V Scene 4 Line 7
*
Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.
*
Everybody has a right to pronounce foreign names as he chooses.
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

Albert Einstein
*
What I want is all of the power and none of the
responsibility.
*
I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day,
but no change at all ivry fifty years.

Finley Peter Dunne
*
Just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has
changed.
*
Hardware:  The parts of a computer that can be kicked.
*
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard -
let him worry about cutting it.

Fred Allen
*
Natural laws have no pity.
*
I bet you I could stop gambling.
*
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-- H. H. Williams
*
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
*
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
- Nicholas Murray Butler
*
CHRIST! WHAT A SENSATION! 
     That's what they're saying about the new stand-up roller coaster
     at Great America. 91 feet tall, one-third of a mile long. Cost
     $5.5 million to build. Oh! The ride lasts 90 seconds and costs $21.
*
Happiness is twin floppies.
*
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
*
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 
*
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Mark Twain
*
He's doing well...he's letting his legs do the running.
*
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for
television?"
*
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
*
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
*
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
*
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
intelligence.

Henrik Tikkanen
*
Variables won't; constants aren't.
*
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
*
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
*
It is necessary to have purpose.
-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
A liberal is a conservative who's been mugged by reality.
*
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
*
Courage is being scared to death - and saddling up anyway. 
-John Wayne 
*
Nature didn't make us perfect so she did the next best
thing. She made us blind to our faults.

Grit
*
Two wrongs do not make a right:
it usually takes three or more.
*
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic.
  --ARTHUR C. CLARKE
*
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a
misprint.

Mark Twain
*
God is real, unless declared integer.
*
"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of
Thursdays."

Arthur Dent
*
"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of
a bank?"

Bertold Brecht
*
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to
the number and significance of any persons watching it.
*
You are smarter than the av-er-age bear.
*
This land is made of mountains,
This land is made of mud,
This land has lots of everything,
For me and Elmer Fudd.

This land has lots of trousers,
This land has lots of mousers,
And pussycats to eat them
When the sun goes down.
*
The cause of problems are solutions!
*
Molecule, n.:
	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
	from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
	matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
	indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the
	molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ...
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.
*
I could prove God statistically.
- George Gallup
*
"I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
the way and let them have it."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
Hagel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never
learn anything from history.
*
May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.
  --VOLTAIRE
*
If any aborigine were to draft an IQ test, all of Western civilization
would presumably flunk it.
*
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
                -- John McNulty
*
After 12 frames, they stand all square.  The next frame, believe it or not,
is the 13th.
*
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
*
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
*
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
*
Hire the morally handicapped.
*
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
*
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
*
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from
the things we do.
  --FREYA STARK
*
Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.
*
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
*
Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive.
 --WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR.
*
There's nothing wrong with growing older, but where does it
lead?
*
I sent a letter to the fish,
I told them, "This is what I wish."
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes' answer was
"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
I sent a letter back to say
It would be better to obey.
But someone came to me and said
"The little fishes are in bed."
I said to him, and I said it plain
"Then you must wake them up again."
I said it very loud and clear,
I went and shouted in his ear.
But he was very stiff and proud,
He said "You needn't shout so loud."
And he was very proud and stiff,
He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
I took a kettle from the shelf,
I went to wake them up myself.
But when I found the door was locked
I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, But ...

	"Is that all?" asked Alice.
	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
*
"As it was before, then again it will be;
 Though the course may change sometimes,
 Rivers always reach the sea."
                   --Led Zeppelin,  "Ten Years Gone",  Physical Graffiti
*
The value of knowledge lies not in its accumulation, but in its
utilization.
*
Someone is speaking well of you.
*
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps,
fast reflexes.
*
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated
ambiguity that would be clearly understood."

Alexander Haig
*
God is not dead.  He is alive and autographing bibles today at Brentano's.
*
He that will not when he may, 
He shall not when he will. 
-Robert Mannyng (Handlyng Synne, 1303)    
*
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already
full.

Henry Kissinger
*
It's all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it
now and then.
  --RICHARD ARMOUR
*
Make love to every woman you meet; if you get 5 per cent on your outlay,
it's a good investment.
*
A penny saved is ridiculous.
*
"If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just become the expert."
*
That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. 
- Thoreau - 
*
Ducharme's Precept:
        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
*
You have here an unusual opportunity to appraise the human mind, or to
examine, in Earth terms, the roles of good and evil in a man.  His
negative side, which you call hostility, lust, violence; and his
positive side, which Earth people express as compassion, love,
tenderness.  And what is it that makes one man an exceptional leader?
We see here indications that it is his negative side which makes him
strong -- that his evil side, if you will, properly controlled and
disciplined, is vital to his strength.  Your negative side, removed
from you, the power of command begins to elude you.
-- Spock, "The Enemy Within," stardate 1673.1.
*
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes clear to the bone. 
*
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
*
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.  But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
  --NIELS BOHR
*
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
*
The next dreadful thing to a battle lost is a battle won.
*
And now for something completely different.
*
A hard man is good to find.
*
A short saying contains much wisdom.

Sophocles.
*
Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry
creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry
creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly
split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the
Empire forged.
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
*
Man do not mind bust in mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous lady!
*
Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
                                        - Russel Baker
*
I drink to make other people interesting.
*
Ginsberg's Theorem:
        1.  You can't win.
        2.  You can't break even.
        3.  You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:

        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        Theorem.  To wit:

        1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
            even.
        3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
            game.
*
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
*
Miracles are instantaneous.  They cannot be summoned, but come of
themselves, usually at unlikely moments and to those who least expect them.
  --KATHERINE ANNE PORTER
*
Q: What's a tactical nuclear weapon? 
A: One that explodes in Germany. 
*
A man's house is his hassle.
*
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
*
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in
walking distance.
*
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
*
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
*
The Kennedy Constant:
        Don't get mad -- get even.
*
I don't want to see any faces at this party that I haven't sat on.
*
	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
didn't believe in God."
	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
*
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming
available.  This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds, downtown
hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets, and so on.
The list is endless.
*
Moderate riches will carry you..
if you have more, you must carry them.
*
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
*
What a man needs in gardening is a cast iron back with a hinge in it.
*
Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
*
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. 
Had he run unopposed he would have lost. 
-Mort Sahl 
*
Hacker's Law:
        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
*
The star of riches is shining upon you.
*
Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
*
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
*
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
		-- Ogden Nash
*
On Henry Kissinger:  Henry's idea of sex is to slow down to thirty miles
an hour when he drops you off at the door.
*
Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier
*
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
*
Our danger is that the virtual monopolization of the media
of mass expression by big capital will distort and finally
abort the democratic process.
*
                        Top 10 Iranian T-shirt Slogans

                10. IRAQ Busters
                 9. Surf Straits of Hormuz
                 8. Mom and Dad blew up a bus load of tourists 
                    and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
                 7. Death to all Americans except Motley Crue
                 6. Official veil inspector
                 5. Kiss me I'm a walking time bomb
                 4. I've been tested for sand chiggers
                 3. You don't have to be crazy to set yourself
                    on fire and run into an enemy tank ... but
                    it sure helps
                 2. If you don't ride a camel you ain't shiite
                 1. Spuds Khomenini: The original party animal


                                        -- David Letterman
*
We all live in a mellow subroutine.
*
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
*
Americans like fat books and thin women.
*
Well you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking;
racing around to come up behind you again.
*
"     " -- Charlie Chaplin|"     " -- Harpo Marx|"     " -- Marcel Marceau|"Ack, phfftt" -- Bill the Cat
*
"Love is what you've been through with somebody."
*
I was the only fighter in Cleveland who wore rear-view mirrors
*
"Mother Nature is a Bitch."
*
Nothing so needs reform as other people's habits.
*
Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
JOHN WILLIAMSON
*
Two's company, three's the result.
*
The scalded cat fears even cold water.

Thomas Fuller
*
Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything.

Aesop
*
A man who saves for rainy days, gets a lot of bad weather reports from
relatives.
*
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
*
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
*
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are
inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make
the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are
stupid.
*
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
*
When it is dark enough you can see the stars.

R.W. Emerson
*
There will always be some delightful mysteries in your life.
*
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get the right
man and the right woman.
*
The only safe fast-breeder is a rabbit.  Say 'No' to nuclear power.
*
Person, n.  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what she
thinks she is as to overlook what she indubitably ought to be.  Her
chief occupation is extermination of other animals and her own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
*
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as
when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which
some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is
devoid of the sense of smell.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
How often I found where I should be going only by
setting out for somewhere else.

R. Buckminster Fuller
*
Every successful person has had failures but repeated
failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
*
The bearing of a child takes nine months, 
no matter how many women are assigned. 
- Brooks, p.17 
*
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
*
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from
betting on people.

W. C. Fields
*
Your will to survive, your love of life, your passion to know ...
Everything that is truest and best in all species of beings has been
revealed to you.  Those are the qualities that make a civilization
worthy to survive.
-- Lai the Vian, "The Empath," stardate 5121.5.
*
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
*
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that
requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and
real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a
mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the
machine room.
*
BLISS is ignorance
*
Jone's Law:
        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
        to blame it on.
*
Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
*
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying them without money?
*
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields
*
The pill came to market and changed the sexual and real-estate habits
of millions; Motel chains were created to serve them.
*
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
*
The trouble with Ian (Fleming) is that he gets off with women because he
can't get on with them.
*
"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift."
*
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent
for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I
was too famous."
*
Our species can only survive if we have obstacles to overcome.  You
remove those obstacles.  Without them to strengthen us, we will
weaken and die.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
*
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
*
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow. -- Led Zeppelin
*
He travels the fastest who travels alone.

Rudyard Kipling
*
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
*
I begin to die when I become too puzzled to go on.
*
A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see
that everything comes off right.
*
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
*
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
*
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in
the wrong direction.
*
Shamus, n.:
A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of
synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that:

A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not
to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The
shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am
nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Now look
who
thinks he's nobody!"

Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
*
Cinemuck, n.:
The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
covers the floors of movie theaters.

Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
*
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
*
Unless we change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
  --OLD CHINESE PROVERB
*
Always set your alarm clock early, that way you can oversleep longer!!
*
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the
strong -but thats the way to bet.

DAMON RUNYON
*
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
*
Success is a public affair.  Failure is a private funeral.
*
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
*
That was exactly the same place where Senna overtook Nannini that he did
not overtake Alain Prost.
*
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great
bargaining position.
*
Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:  How long does it take?
A:  It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
    brought with them.

Q:  What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:  They replace your generator.
*
Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.
*
ADA, n.:
Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better
develop an ADA awareness."
*
That man has missed something who has never left 
a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself 
in the river out of pure disgust. 
-Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880) 
*
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this poor
quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this
elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
pissed."
*
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
*
When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
*
Draw your salary before spending it.
*
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
     money doesn't buy happiness.
*
Old age is life's parody.
*
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
*
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
  --DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
*
Sticks float.  They wood.
*
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
*
Program, n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's
input into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
*
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        It's on the other side.
*
Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
*
Spaghetti is not fattening -- unless you eat pasta limit.
*
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."

Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
*
A man's best friend is his dogma.
*
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
  --HEISENBERG
*
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Dykstra
*
Sorry - the Cookie Monster got here first.
*
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
*
She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting
into words.
*
I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
*
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
*
There is no point in worrying about apathy when you can't care less.
*
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z where X is work,
Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.
*
There needeth not the hell that bigots frame 
To punish those who err: 
Earth itself contains at once the evil and the cure. 
-Shelley 
*
PARKINSON'S LAW:
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
*
Shouldn't you be doing something useful?
*
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
*
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
*
If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually
become more important than the problem.
*
Call out the vice squad!  Someone's mounting a disk drive!
*
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge
to punt.
*
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what
it's supposed to do.

R. A. Heinlein
*
Familiarity breeds attempt.
*
It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the 
same reason that it is more difficult to be
witty every day than now and then. 
-Balzac 
*
"Labor is the great producer of wealth; it moves all other causes."
                    --- Daniel Webster, American Statesman (1782-1852)
*
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving"; a female kitten.
*
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
*
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
EMMETT GROGAN
*
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it
might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it
ain't. That's logic!"

Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
*
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally
you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty
annoying virtues.

Elizabeth Taylor
*
Maybe we weren't meant for Paradise.  Maybe we were meant to fight our
way through.  Struggle.  Claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the
way.  Maybe we can't stroll to the music of the lutes.  We must march
to the sound of drums.
-- Kirk, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.7.
*
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer than expected;
a carefully planned project will only take twice as long.
*
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
*
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is
almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
*
We always carry out by committee anything in which any of us alone could
be to reasonable to persist.
*
I used to be schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely.
*
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
*
He that hath a wife and children
hath given hostages to fortune; 
for they are impediments to great enterprises, 
either of virtue or mischief. 
-Francis Bacon 
*
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are
is no good.
*
Poverty begins at home. 
*
For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for
him really to understand them is bad morals.

Henry James
*
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
*
We have new items every Monday.
*
To be poor and independent is very nearly impossible. 
-William Cobbett 
*
The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.
*
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing
still for too long as they take root and become trees.
*
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
*
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end
of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small
unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly
ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little
blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so
amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are
a pretty neat idea...

Douglas Adams

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
*
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good
enough for me!"
-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
*
Call Us Any Time, Night or Day.  We Always DELIVER.
*
We love your adherence to democratic principles.
- George Bush speaking to Ferdinand Marcos, June 1981
*
Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.1.
*
I agree with everything you are saying but I must admit you are wrong.
*
Knowledge is knowing that E=MC2.  Wisdom is knowing why that matters.
  --COL. JEFF COOPER
*
"Wait a minute, Doc...  you didn't tell me you built a TIME MACHINE!"
*
You have been selected for a secret mission.
*
It's easier to be original and foolish than original and
wise.

Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
*
It's a recession when you're neighbour loses his job.  It's a depression
when you lose your own.
*
"The thunder of hooves, a cloud of smoke and a hearty 'Hi-yo, Silver!'
It's the adventures of the Lone Ranger!
... come with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear ..."
*
She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in
most words.
*
The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
remember.  Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
off.  This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
*
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
*
Mathematicians have to PROVE they can do it
*
Necessity is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of
slaves.

William Pitt the Younger
*
These days govt. is a four letter word.
*
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
  --ANDREW W. MATHIAS
*
Behind every successful man stands a very surprised Mother-In-Law.
*
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
*
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
*
Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
*
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
*
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
*
The law doth punish man or woman 
That steals the goose from off the common, 
But lets the greater felon loose, 
That steals the common from the goose. 
-Anon. (1764)            
*
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	(2) Advising the President.
	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
		-- David Letterman
*
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
	And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
	Pray what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
	"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
	Allow me to sell you a couple?"
		-- Lewis Carrol
*
If I let go a hammer on a planet having a positive gravity, I need not
see it fall to know that it has, in fact, fallen.
-- Spock, "Court Martial," stardate 2948.9.
*
Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
*
After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
*
Predestination was doomed from the start.
*
The finest bosom in nature is not so fine as what imagination forms.
*
Wit sets a snare, whereas humor goes off whistling 
without a victim in its mind. 
-Charles S. Brooks 
*
Is sex dirty?  Only when it is being done right.
*
Tomorrow will I live, the fool does say; 
Today itself's too late; the wise lived yesterday. 
-Martial 
*
Originality is undetected plagiarism.

Dean W.R. Inge
*
Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems
for cruise missiles.
*
It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
*
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
*
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
*
A lie in time saves nine. 
*
News: Anything that makes a woman say, 'For heaven's sake!'
*
"You can rock it, you can roll it,
you can slop it, you can stroll it at The Hop" -- Danny and the Juniors
*
When a woman tells him, "You are the greatest lover I have ever known":
Well, I practice a lot when I'm on my own.
*
You will engage in a profitable friendship.
*
Lefty Gomez's Law:  
If you don't throw it, they can't hit it. 
*
What a long, strange trip it's been.
*
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
*
I've never seen a Mexican pushover boxer and this man ccertainly isn't one
of them.
*
Monotony is the awful reward of the careful.
  --A.G. BUCKHAM
*
When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her
first husband; when a man marries again, it is because
he adores his first wife.
*
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to
set a bad example.

La Rouchefoucauld
*
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to
look through.
*
Deliberation:   The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
*
If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, 
chapels had been churches and poor men's cottages princes' 
palaces.  It is a good divine that follows his own instruc- 
tions:  I can easier teach twenty what were good to be done,
than be one of the twenty to follow mine own teaching.    
-Shakespeare (Merchant of Venice, I, 2) 
*
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
*
IT'S FIRST CLASS OR NOTHING
     Ambassador Limousene Service advertises that its cars are available
     for all occasions. So this guy hires a 1991 white stretch limo and
     has the driver wait as he robs a bank. James Thomas Moore was taken
     into custody and is suspected of 21 other bank robberies.
*
The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the
revolution.
  --HANNAH ARENDT
*
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
*
Resisting temptation is easier...
  when you think you'll have another chance later.
*
He certainly looks older than he did last year.
*
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
*
Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought. 
*
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
*
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
                -- Andrew Young
*
Vulcans worship peace above all.
-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3.
*
The English think incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.
*
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
*
        The great red hills stand desolate, and the earth has torn away
like flesh. The lightening flashes over them, the clouds pour down upon
them, the dead streams come to life, full of the red blood of the earth.
Down in the valleys women scratch the soil that is left, and the maize
hardly reaches the height of a man. They are valleys of old men and old
women, of mothers and children. The men are away, the young men and the
girls are away. The soil cannot keep them anymore.
                               Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country"
*
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
*
Dammit! I'm a doctor Jim, not a geothermal technician!  --- Deforest Kelly
*
"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
		-- A. E. Housman
*
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
*
If a writer has to rob his mother he will not hesitate; 
the Ode on a Grecian Urn is worth any number of old ladies. 
-William Faulkner (1897-1962) 
*
Hardware, n.:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
*
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        bread to butter.
*
Why can't lifes's big problems come when
we are twenty and know everything ?
*
Futility Law:  No experiment is a complete failure -  
it can always serve as a negative example. 
*
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community
consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves,
making in all, two.
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
*
To live is not so much to achieve goals as to participate in the process.
*
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
*
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
*
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
*
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
*
"The only way to discover the limits of the possible
is to go beyond them into the impossible."
*
A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James
*
43% of all statistics are worthless.
*
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
  --FRAN LEBOWITZ
*
Dewalt had all kinds of time momentarily.
*
Want to have some fun?  Walk into an antique shop and say, "What's new?"
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a
stick!
*
Shaw's Principle:
        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
        want to use it.
*
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
*
I can't be out of money!  I still have some checks left!
*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*
90% of everything is crud.
*
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
*
The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called
a grandparent.
  --SAM LEVENSON
*
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

R. Clopton
*
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
*
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
*
Everyone must row with the oars they have. 
*
"Clear writers, like fountains, do not seem so deep as they
are; the turbid look the most profound."
*
"All my friends and I are crazy.
That's the only thing that keeps us sane."
*
I've found a great way to start the day - I go straight back to bed!
*
For every credibility gap, there is a gulliblity gap.
  --RICHARD NIXON
*
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
  --THOMAS JEFFERSON
*
You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of
them are even dumber than *that*.
                                          - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
*
I say I don't sleep with married men, but when I mean is that I don't sleep
with happily married men.
*
There are fathers who do not love their children; there is no
grandfather who does not adore his grandson.
                            -- Victor Hugo
*
Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
	joke is.

Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo---

Man 1:	______TIMING!
*
Computers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but your operators.
*
Basic is a high level languish.
*
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats,
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
*
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those
lifetimes.
*
Good health will be yours for a long time.
*
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
*
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
*
When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
*
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
*
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday."
 - William Bragg -
*
"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
*
You're from the planet Earth.  There is no persecution on your
planet.
There was persecution on Earth once; I remember reading about it in my
history class.
-- Lokai of Cheron and Chekov, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield,"
stardate 5730.2.
*
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening
to him.
*
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
*
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
*
Advertising agency: eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent
commission.
                  - Fred Allen
*
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the
office.
*
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
  --MARK TWAIN
*
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect.
*
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of
intellectual error.

Raymond Aron
*
A stitch in time makes absolutely no sense what so ever.
*
She offered her honour, I honoured her offer,
So all night long it was on her and off her.
*
I am a computer.  As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
*
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y"
in it.
*
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
*
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
*
In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country
it is a form of popular entertainment.
*
It's hard to remain true to a changing self.
*
"There is always one more bug."
*
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
*
Hygiene is the corruption of medicine by morality.
*
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must
afterwards be always old-fashioned.
*
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
*
My computer puts out.
*
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your
time.
*
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
America, with all of the military strength of America, those
revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
*
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
*
She was only a morse code operator's daughter,
but she DID IT, DID IT, DID DID DID IT.
*
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
DEAN LATTIMER
*
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
*
Israel's actions are often Suez-cidal.
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof
      because fools are so ingenious.
*
Cynic:  One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
*
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
*
The whole dream of democracy is to elevate
the proletarian to the level of the imbecility
of the bourgeois.
*
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
*
I'm all for computer dating,
     But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
*
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
*
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Ogden Nash
*
Were it not for imagination, Sir, a man would be 
as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as of a Duchess. 
-Samuel Johnson 
*
Success is the brand on the brow
of the man who has aimed too low.
*
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
*
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 
-H. L. Mencken 
*
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
*
"Throughout  the early Christian period, every great calamity  -- 
famine,  earthquake,  and  plague --  led  to  mass  conversions,
another indirect influence by which epidemic diseases contributed 
to the destruction of classical civilization.  Christianity  owes 
a formidable debt to bubonic plague and to smallpox, no less than 
to  earthquake and volcanic eruptions."  
--- Hans Zinsser, Rats, Lice and History, 1934  
*
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
*
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
*
This is the day for firm decisions!  Or is it?
*
If God had intended man to have computers,
    he would have given him 16 fingers.
*
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
*
Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll
ever regret.
*
A friend in need is a friend to avoid.
*
You can't fool all the people all the time but highway-interchange
signs come pretty close.
*
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*
A woman's place is in the wrong.
*
The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is,
in fact, a return to the idealized past.
- Robertson Davies, "A Voice from the Attic", 1960
*
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
*
Bankers are the assassins of hope.
*
Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the
answers.

Robert Graves
*
Behold the turtle.  He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.
  --JAMES BRYANT CONAN
*
If I called the wrong number, then why did you pick up the phone?
*
Miller's Law:  
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.
*
She was a lovely girl.  Our courtship was fast and furious - I was fast
and she was furious.
*
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations. 
*
The world is full of double beds 
And such delightful maidenheads 
That there is simply no excuse 
For sodomy and self-abuse. 
-Hilaire Belloc 
*
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
*
One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's
say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
sherbet.  Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
rendering him too large to fit through the plane door.  It could also
be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law.  ("Mr.
Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem is that
your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
*
Do you like it better here or in the summer?
*
Lighthouse:  A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
*
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
*
I don't want to sit on the fence but it could go either way.
*
Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.

Socrates
*
Bruno's strength, in fact, is his strength.
Round 1.  Start of the fight, in fact.
*
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
*
The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.

Sir Ralph Richardson
*
The two super-powers cannot divide the world into their oyster.
*
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others.
  --JOHN ANDREW HOLMES
*
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.
*
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn
a lot today.
*
   If you believe in light, it is because of obscurity, if you believe
in happiness, it is because of unhappiness, if you believe in God, then you
must believe in the Devil.
                        Father X, exorcist, Cathedral of Notre Dame, Paris.
*
WONDERFUL!

You have some of my favourite problems.
*
"Prisons don't rehabilitate, they don't punish, they don't protect, so what
the hell do they do?"
---Governor Jerry Brown
*
I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth.
                             - Carl Sandburg (1878-1967)
*
Masterbation is great - and you don't have to take your hand out to dinner
afterwards and talk to it about its problems.
*
Those who deny freedom for others deserve it not for themselves.
  --ABRAHAM LINCOLN
*
	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
tadpole".
	Bite the wax tadpole.
	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
		-- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
*
Hatred:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
*
Any stigma will do to beat a dogma. 
-Philip Guedalla (1889-1944) 
*
One of these days, Alice, one of these days...
*
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
encounters needs pounding.
*
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
*
We wish to attract praise to ourselves even as we seem to be
praising others.

Duc de La Rochefoucauld
*
If you keep blowing your own horn, people are going to be quick to get out
of your way.
*
Philadelphia isn't dull - it just seems so because
  it is next to exciting Camden, NJ.
*
One fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
*
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it,
the harder it gets.
*
Etymology, n.:
Some early etymological scholars come up with
derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The
term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"),
the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant
"the study of things that are hard to swallow."

Mike Kellen
*
I regret to say that we at the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has some way obstructed interstate commerce.
*
Steve, with his sip of water, part of his make-up.
*
A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
*
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
- Sam Brown, in "Washington Post", 1977
*
To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools.
*
Worry is a human emotion.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
"Grub first, then ethics."
*
George Orwell was an optimist.
*
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
*
I never met a kid I liked.
*
Idealism is what precedes experience;  cynicism is what follows.              
-David T. Wolf 
*
"Only the past is immortal"
Delmore Schwartz
*
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic."
  --LEWIS CARROLL
*
We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have
free run of the galaxy.
-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Life is easier if you dread only one day at a time.
*
Commit a crime, and the earth is made of glass.
There is no such thing as concealment.

R.W. Emerson
*
All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of
profile that looks good on a postage stamp.

B.B. Franklin
*
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. --
Herb Caen
*
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful --- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
*
Americans are broad-minded people.  They'll accept the fact that a person
can be an alcholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman,
but if a man doesn't drive there's something wrong with him.
  --ART BUCHWALD
*
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
*
Asking  for  efficiency and adaptibility in the same program is
like asking for a beautiful and modest wife ...  we'll probably
have to settle for one or the other.
*
Ever notice that the number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your actions?; and
that if something is confidential, it will be left in the copy
machine?
*
Money talks - mine always says "goodbye".
*
Creditors have much better memories than debtors. 
*
You will meet an important person who will help you advance
professionally.
*
Come on, baby, light my fire. -- Jim Morrison
*
There's no future in time travel.
*
The ultimate goal of the educational system
is to shift to the individual the burden of
pursuing his education.

John W. Gardner
*
"Garbage in, gospel out."
                 - Anon -
*
You were pumping iron as
I was pumping irony.
     - Robert Plant, Now And Zen
*
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement
unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
*
"One has the right to be wrong in a democracy."
*
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
*
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
*
Will the man who picked up mink coat at the Dunes Hotel Sunday night please
return the smart blonde who was in it.  No quoestions asked.
- Lonely Husband.
*
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his
own incompetency

The Peter Principle
*
The harder you work, the luckier you get.

Gary Player
*
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
*
After the first death, there is no other.

Dylan Thomas
*
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 
-Paul Gauguin (1848-1903) 
*
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
*
Call out the vice squad!  Someone's mounting a disk drive!
*
If they throw lemons, Make lemonade.
*
On a Child Who Lived One Minute

Into a world where children shriek like suns
sundered from other suns on their arrival
she stared and saw the waiting shape of evil,
but could not take it's meaning in at once,
so fresh her understanding, and so fragile.

Her first breath drew a fragrance from the air
and put it back. However hard her agile
heart danced, however full the surgeon's satchel
of healing stuff, a blackness tiptoed in her
and snuffed the only candle of her castle.

Oh, let us do away with elegic drivel!
Who can restore a thing so brittle,
so new in any jingle? Still I marvel
that, making light of mountain loads of logic,
so much could stay a moment in so little.

                  -- X. J. Kennedy
*
No matter how well you do your job,
a superior will seek to modify the results. 
*
Many a family tree needs trimming.
*
Having a daughter is like riding a young horse
over an unknown steeplechase course.
You don't know when to pull up the reins,
when to let the horse have the head ... or what.

Princess Grace of Monaco
*
My only aversion to vice,
Is the price.
  --VICTOR BUONO
*
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
*
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
*
A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on.
*
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
*
George Orwell was an optimist.
*
What is a kiss?  An inquiry on the second floor as to whether the
first floor is free.
  --ART GARFUNKEL
*
There's no intelligent life down here.
*
     When Noah heard the weather forecast he 
     ordered the building of the ark.
	--- that was Leadership
     
     Then he looked around and said, "Make
     sure the elephants don't see what the
     rabbits are up to."
	--- that was Management
*
The Real Programmer may or may not know his wife's name.  He always knows
the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table by heart, however.
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
*
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
*
Anthony's Law of Force:
        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
*
If you would like to be talked about, leave the party before the rest do.
*
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
*
When the personality of a human is involved, exact predictions are
hazardous.
-- McCoy, "The Lights of Zetar," stardate 5725.6.
*
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
*
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
*
Justice is incidental to law and order.
*
Greener's Law:
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
*
History is a hard core of interpretation surrounded by a pulp of disputable
facts.
*
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone
else.
*
All art is quite useless.
            - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
*
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
PINK FLOYD
*
He that will not command his thoughts will soon lose the command of his
actions.
*
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
*
Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel - Ulysses
*
Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached
the age to write an autobiography.
*
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
ABBIE HOFFMAN
*
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars
but in ourselves.

William Shakespeare
*
Winter is I-commin back!
*
Always keep your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
           -- from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, by Robert A. Heinlein
*
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.

On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.

The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
friendly.

The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
*
Co-existence - what the farmer does with the turkey
until Thanksgiving.

Mike Connolly
*
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so
in our programming languages.
*
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" 
until you can find a rock. 
-Will Rogers (1879-1935) 
*
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
*
Anyone can afford hate. It costs you to love.
*
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks.

H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
*
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
*
A good education is the next-best thing to a pushy mother.
*
Only a fool fights in a burning house.
-- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
*
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
*
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
*
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
     if you are all thumbs.
*
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
*
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
*
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
*
It was 20 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.
*
What hallucinations?
*
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
fact, for he merely said:

	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
	it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain
	because it is impossible."

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
		-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types

(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
*
Coed dorms promote campus unrest.
*
Fame is proof that people are gullible.
*
Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today.

Josh Billings
*
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
*
Many are saved from sin by being so inept at it.

Mignon McLaughlin
*
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
*
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

		Don't Write On Walls!

		   (and underneath)

		You want I should type?
*
The attacker must vanquish;  the defender need only survive.
*
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is
that it is comprehensible.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
*
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
*
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid,
don't look at it for the first two years.
*
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.
*
Q. How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. If you can find one.
*
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
the old brochures, and stamp the words 'user-friendly' on the cover.
  --BILL GATES, Microsoft,Inc.
*
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  --MARK TWAIN
*
All's fair in love and war - What a contemptable lie!
*
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
*
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to
get out.
*
AI programmers only think they do it
*
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
*
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
*
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.
	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
	(4)  Enjoy your food.
	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
	     can always eat it later.
	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
	(11) Avoid blue food.
		-- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
*
Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
end.  For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
qualities I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and
bossy ...  Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
his back."
		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
*
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
*
Murphy's Tenth Corollary:
Mother Nature is a bitch. 
*
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
*
Fashion: There'll be little change in men's pockets this year.
*
Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach.
*
He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.
*
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
*
At our last party we were all making Mary,
  then we jumped for Joy!
*
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
*
Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. 
- Thomas Jefferson - 
*
You don't leave your fly open in a pressure suit. 
- Larry Niven 
*
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
*
Parts is parts.
*
If the odds are a million to one against something
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
*
What makes old age so sad is not that
our joys but our hopes cease.

Jean Paul Richter
*
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
*
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a
tedious book.
*
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
*
Distrust and caution are the parents of security.
                  --- Franklin
*
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Supplement:
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
*
All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they
had really happened.

Ernest Hemingway
*
Marriage:  It begins with a prince kissing an angel.  It ends with a
baldheaded man looking across the table at a fat women.
*
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
*
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
*
A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car.
*
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

Albert Einstein
*
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility?
*
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.                        
*
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
  --MARK TWAIN
*
Bore, n.:
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
*
She offered her honor,
  He honored her offer.
And all through the night,
  It was honor and offer.
*
To be or not to be. - Shakespeare

Yabba Dabba Do.     - Flintstone
*
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
*
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three.
*
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll
probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for
advancement.

Snoopy
*
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
*
Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart.
*
Love is being willing to share your toothbrush with someone else.
*
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
*
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
*
Merkin's Maxim: 
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 
*
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has
the better lawyer.

Robert Frost
*
There's little in taking or giving,
	There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
	Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
	The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
	And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
	Would you kindly direct me to hell?
		-- Dorothy Parker
*
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
*
If you smile when everything goes wrong, you're either a nitwit or a
repairman.
*
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
*
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
	When told this was so,
	He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that 
I can."
*
Adore, v.:
To venerate expectantly.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
*
My mother - who was an alertly respectable woman - told me at an early age
that I was not to play with critics.
*
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
*
The man that hath no music in himself, 
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds, 
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils. 
-Shakespeare (Merchant of Venice, V, I)    
*
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
*
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
*
Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun,
       but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
*
I must have slipped a disk my pack hurts
*
May all your PUSHes be POPed.
*
The Falklands war was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.
*
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
*
There is something better than victory, and that is the avoidance of
war.
*
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
*
"Ahhhhhhhh,                     I forget what I was going to say."
*
When people agree with me I always feel
that I must be wrong.
*
Golf may be played on Sunday, not being a game within view of the law, but
being a form of moral effort.
*
The "Metropolitan Indians" of Italy produced parodies of posters and
graffiti in an attempt to expose the reality behind the empty
sloganizing of the Communists and the Italian Left parties.  Examples
from 1972 include:  "LONG LIVE SACRIFICE", "BOSSES' POWER", "MORE
WORK, LESS PAY", and "ALL POWER TO THE DROMEDARIAT."
*
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
*
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
  --J. EDGAR HOOVER
*
For no spoken word was ever so bitterly regretted as the one that was never
spoken..
*
The crash of the whole solar and stellar
systems could only kill you once.

Thomas Carlyle
*
The [human] species is capable of much affection.
-- Deela the Scalosian, "Wink of an Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
*
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
                -- Mark Twain
*
Terrible Tragedy in South Seas.  Three million people trapped alive!
*
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
*
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
*
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of overtly
public intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
*
During working hours staff are not allowed to eat anything outside the
canteen except the gate-house attendant.
*
Miracles are instantaneous.  They cannot be summoned, 
but come of themselves, usually at unlikely moments 
and to those who least expect them. 
-Katherine Anne Porter 
*
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to
live elsewhere.
*
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
*
Life is like the wife - you wake up in the morning and it's waiting for you
*
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
*
The trouble with wedlock is that there's not enough wed and too much lock.
  --CHRISTOPHER MORLEY
*
Ambition is the curse of the political class.
*
Peace was the way.
-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 
-Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 
*
Katz's Law: Men and nations will act rationally 
when all other possibilities have been exhausted. 
*
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
*
Cheops' Law: 
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 
*
The old believe everything, the middle aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
*
It is bad luck to be superstitious.       --- Anon
*
Never go for a 50/50 ball unless you're 80/20 sure.
*
The heart is not a logical organ.
-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years," stardate 3479.4.
*
Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself.
*
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
*
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.
*
... motivations of passion or gain -- those are reasons for murder.
-- Shras, the Andorian Ambassador, "Journey to Babel," stardate
3842.2.
*
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
*
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
*
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
*
What is wrong with a little incest?  It is both handy and cheap.
*
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that
that is the impression you will make.
*
"A sodomite got very excited looking at a zoology text.  Does this make it
pornography?
---Stanislaw J. Lec
*
This is loneliness?  What a bitter thing ... it's so sad.  How do you
bear it, this loneliness?
-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford/The Companion, "Metamorphosis,"
stardate 3220.3.
*
What a simple tune.  It's a wonder nobody thought of it first.
*
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
*
He's like a needle in a haystack, this man - he's everywhere!
*
The army of weird and beautiful works could well do 
with recruits.
- C. S. Lewis 
*
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
horses?
		-- G. Gordon Liddy
*
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty
life.

Eric Hoffer
*
But the palindrome of Bolton is Notlob..it doesn't work, does it? - Monty Python
*
"Kurt Semen had been repeatedly jailed for disturbing the peace,
and inciting unnecessary Pathos..."
*
I hear that the guards at Los Alamos National Laboratory have gone on
strike.  I would imagine that this means that the facility is sitting
there unguarded.  Of course, crossing the picket line is a real bitch...
*
Wise men say nothing in dangerous times.
                      -----John Selden
*
Should old acquaintance be forgot... - Count of Monte Cristo
*
All political parties die at last
of swallowing their own lies.
*
Reporter, n.:

A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
If you want to be rich, look and see what the poor people do and then don't do i
*
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they
hit a triple.
*
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
*
DARK DANTE (KEVIN POULSEN) CAUGHT
     Kevin Poulsen a.k.a. Dark Dante, wanted so badly by the F.B.I. that
     his story was recently shown on 'Unexplained Mysteries' was apprehended
     in Los Angeles. Poulson, 25, a hero to hackers, among other charges,
     broke into Army's MASNET, the Soviet Consulate, Pac Bell, Univ. of
     So. Cal. plus 18 other counts of telecommunications fraud. Dropped out
     of sight for almost a year, was caught last Thursday at a supermarket.
*
"The End of the World."  Lunch afterwards.
*
From hell!bigguy Fri Nov 11 17:06:58 1988
Received: by polyslo (5.51/smail2.5/07-22-88)
	id AA21304; Fri, 11 Nov 88 17:06:49 PST
Received: by hell.calpoly.EDU (5.51/smail2.5/07-22-88)
	id AA07461; No Time like the Present...
Date: Timelesness
Sender: cthluhusys
From: Satan (The UnNamable One)
Message-Id: <42@Hell>
Subject: Reservations
Apparently-To: you
Status: RO

Our records down here show you to arrive some time next week. Reservations
have been made in advance in your behalf. Please inform the receptionist
upon arrival. We look forward to your stay.
*
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
*
A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one
thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
*
The older I grow the more I distrust 
the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 
-H.L. MENCKEN 
*
Next to the pleasure of making a new mistress 
is that of being rid of an old one.        
-Wycherley 
*
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You
can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

David Lloyd George
*
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
*
Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all
subversions.
It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us.
  --WILLIAM O. DOUGLAS
*
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
*
Eat Shit!
     10 Billion flies can't be wrong.
*
Communism might be likened to a race in  which all competitors come in
first with no prizes.
*
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
*
It is not the beard that makes the philosopher.
  --ITALIAN PROVERB
*
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
*
The man who thinks he's smarter than his wife is married to
a smart woman.
*
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
*
Actor:          "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act,
I had everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"
*
The public is wonderfully tolerant.  It forgives everything except genius.
*
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
*
War is good business - invest your sons.
*
"Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don`t feel like it."
*
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
*
Get on your bad motor scooter and ride.
*
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
*
Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be 
disappointed.
*
... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the
cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and
nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains
looming up ahead ...

Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
*
No woman [is] so naked as one you can see to be naked underneath her clothes.
*
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
*
"Hindsight is an exact science."
*
"Well, I'd left home just a week before,
and I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
but Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
and said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
but I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
La, la, la, la-Lola...la, la, la, la-Lola . . . Lola." -- The Kinks
*
You cant underestimate the power of fear.
TRICIA NIXON
*
Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac!
*
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the
Force of a Thousand Caramels.
*
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
*
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
        And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
        And men were really obnoxious...
*
A component selected at random from a group having 99%
reliability, will be a member of the 1% group.
*
Hermits have no peer pressure.
*
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
*
Virtue is its own punishment.
*
"When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout."
*
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The
irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does
what you tell it to do."
*
Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.

Henry B. Adams
*
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:

The First Law:	You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:	The most you can accomplish by working is to break
		even.
The Third Law:	You can only break even at absolute zero.
*
Only imperfect solutions are available to imperfect human beings.
*
'Tis with our judgements as with our watches, none 
Go just alike, yet each believes his own. 
-Alexander Pope 
*
The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by
being always absolutely over-dressed.
*
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom
door you're on.
*
He told her her stockings were wrinkled.  Trouble was, she wasn't wearing
any.
*
Deceive not thyself by overexpecting happiness in the 
married estate.  Remember the nightingales which sing 
only some months in the spring, but commonly are 
silent when they have hatched their eggs.
-Thomas Fuller 
*
It is hard to say whether man was one of nature's mistakes from the
outstart, or whether he has by degrees developed into being the only
beast that enjoyes killing his own kin.
*
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
*
Friction is a drag.
*
To be is to do.  - Aristotle

To do is to be.  - Nitzche

Do be do be do.  - Sinatra
*
		William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
*
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
                -- Walt Kelley
*
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
*
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
*
A modest man is usually admired - if people ever hear of him.
*
The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women 
submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments. 
-William E. Borah (1865-1940) - speech in U.S. Senate 
*
The only race worth winning is the human race.
*
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
*
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes
instead of old ones.
*
Children are the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both
easy to beat and fun to cheat.
*
Old?  The only thing that kept it standing was the woodworm holding hands.
*
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
*
gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
*
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens.
*
                  "Truth, like light, is dazzling. By
                   contrast, untruth is a beautiful sunset
                   that enhances everything."
*
One of the minor pleasures in life is to be slightly ill.
*
"A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths."
-- Steve Wright
*
Under certain circumstances, 
profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. 
-MARK TWAIN 
*
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
*
"Kissing is okay for awhile, but good cooking lasts forever."
*
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
*
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
*
Money is a sixth sense without which you cannot make use of the other five.
*
Four Soviet soldiers who got lost on maneuvers in Czechoslovakia
traded their tank to a tavern owner for two cases of vodka and were
found two days later, sleeping in a forest.
*
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
*
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
*
Come in for a faith lift.
*
Greatest horror - dream I am married - wake up shrieking.
*
Nobody notices when things go right.
*
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
*
Wit, n.:
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
... by leaving it out.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
*
Always store beer in a dark place.
*
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
                -- Kehlog Albran
*
"Well we know where we're going, but we don't know where we've been,
and we know what we're knowing, but we can't say what we've seen ...
we're on the road to nowhere." -- Talking Heads
*
"Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to it's
original dimensions."
*
Drop your trousers for best results.
*
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
*
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. -- Jimmy Durante
*
Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian?
*
Only a fool fights on in a burning house. 
-Klingon Proverb 
*
Satellite Safety Tip No.14:

If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
*
When people say, "You're breaking my heart", they do in fact usually mean
that you're breaking their genitals.
*
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite
your nails.
*
The very atmosphere of firearms everywhere restrains evil interference, they
deserve a place of honor with all that is good.
                                          -- George Washington
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
*
Justice is incidental to law and order.
  --J. EDGAR HOOVER
*
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
*
CLOBBERED WITH A SALAMI? NOPE! TRY KANGAROO TAILS
     In Alice Springs, Australia, three officers were attacked by
     15 aborigines carrying frozen kangaroo tails purchased at a
     local store. The tails won't be introduced as evidence as
     they were eaten. They are a dietary staple for the natives.
*
Some points to remember [about animals]:

(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
    hippopotamuses;
(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
    front of your clothes;
(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
    you have just kicked.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
*
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
*
If God had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born
that way.
*
I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of
humour.

Edward Albee
*
"What is moral is what you feel good after."
---Ernest Hemmingway
*
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
*
	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
	"This is true," He replied.
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
	It was so granted.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Salvor Hardin
*
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
*
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none
of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill
*
An idea that is dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
*
Love, honor and negotiate.
*
Excellence is willing to be wrong
    Perfection is being right
Excellence is risk
    Perfection is fear
Excellence is powerfull
    Perfection is anger and frustration
Excellence is spontaneous
    Perfection is control
Excellence is accepting
    Perfection is judgement
Excellence is giving
    Perfection is taking
Excellence is confidence
    Perfection is doubt
Excellence is flowing
    Perfection is pressure
Excellence is journey
    Perfection is destination
*
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
*
"If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?"
*
Once, adv.: Enough.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
First thing we do, we kill all the lawyers. 
Henry VIII (Act II) 
*
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
Planning is the replacement of DECAY with Error. IF we plan by means of
data-processing, we can err faster and more accurately !!
*
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
*
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
*
We are not abandoning our convictions, our philosophy or traditions,
nor do we urge anyone to abandon theirs.
- Mikhail Gorbachev, UN address, 7 December 1988
*
Farnsdick's Corollary:  
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. 
*
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
*
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
*
There are two sides to every argument, until you take one.
*
Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
*
Go soak your head, Puny Human!
*
To act sincerely with the insincere is dangerous. 
-Taoist proverb 
*
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image.
Therefore, I have to beat somebody.

RICHARD M NIXON
*
British Rail stabbed us in the back by blowing the talks out of the water
before they even got off the ground.
*
Here is further away than you think...
*
Who never wins can rarely lose, 
Who never climbs as rarely falls.
-Whittier 
*
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to
complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four
times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the
planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
*
Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass".
*
Gentlemen do not throw wine at the ladies.  They pour it over them.
*
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
*
Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how
wonderful you are.
*
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
executive.
*
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your
life.
*
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
*
Stay Friends with Us...Until Debt Us Do Part!
*
Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the
most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
*
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship...and a star to
steer her by..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you...
the sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the
wind and the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours...you
can feel her...and the stars are still there.
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
*
Bad spellers of the world.  Untie!
*
Remember: No matter where you go; there you are.
*
"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded
and some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some
cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
each other.  Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
resources and our taxes."
		-- Ronald Reagan
*
The first thrill of adultery is entering the house.  Everything there has
been paid for by the other man.
*
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but
garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very
expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize
it.
*
I'm glad that everyone's life behaves as though it were going on
rather than dying.
*
It seemed that it was necessary for me to establish a "winner image".
Therefore, I have had to beat somebody.
*
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
*
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
*
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean,
"not really".

Dave Parnas
*
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 
There's always one more bug. 
*
Old age is like everything else.  To make a success of it, you've got to
start young.
*
Conscience is God's presence in man.
*
It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
felt can do so much harm.
That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's
what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A
mistaken idea.
-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5819.0
*
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
*
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
*
Second Law of Business Meetings:
	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
	will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
	If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
	wrong, anyway.
*
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
*
"I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em."
-- Will Rogers
*
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
Groucho Marx
*
Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
*
	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say
"shop for", as opposed to "obtain".  This is the major drawback of home
centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
trees.  The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
object--every board, washer, nail and screw--in the entire store ...
	Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
a replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
these sometime around the middle of next week".
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
*
Never allow your child to call you by your first name.  He hasn't known
you long enough.
*
Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.
*
It is difficult to free fools from
the chains they revere.
*
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
*
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Robert Benchley
*
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        population is growing.
*
"Culkture is what your butcher would have if he were a surgeon."
*
Universal suffrage is the government of a house by its nursery.
- Otto von Bismarck
*
To kill is a breaking of civil and moral laws we've lived by for
thousands of years.
-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
Actions speak louder than words.

Proverb
*
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
  --BILLY ROSE
*
"The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money."
---Joey Adams
*
Most legends have their basis in facts.
-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
                -- Carl Zwanzig
*
Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.
*
The first time is never the best.
*
Young's Principle of Individuality:
Everybody wants to peel their own banana. 
*
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked
about, and that is not being talked about.

Oscar Wilde
*
Think before you speak - and you will find yourself with less to talk
about.
*
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
                -- Oscar Wilde
*
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will
be temporarily cancelled.
*
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St.
Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
*
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
coat.
*
A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.

German Proverb
*
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how NOT to.  So it is with the great programmers.
*
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss.
*
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Mark Twain
*
We believe men should fight their own battles.  Only the weak will die.
-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
*
Q.  How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  (*Censored*)
*
Laws of Computer Programming
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the
    weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
    English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
    in English.
SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
*
Life is Fragile - Handle it with Prayer
*
"THIS IS DIAL-A-PORN. GIVE YOUR NAME AND PASSWORD."
     Could end up being like bulletin boards. You will have to
     sign up to gain access. "Give your 'REAL' name please."
     This was tried on east coast dial-a-porns...They went out
     of business almost immediately.
*
I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
and death --
And make them spend it on life.
-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever,"
stardate unknown.
*
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
*
Real programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't know
how to spell quiche.  They eat twinkies and Szechan food
*
Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the
remaining chapters in prose.
*
A king's castle is his home.
*
"Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,
and this is my other brother Darryl."
*
Interchangable parts won't.
*
I like the whiskey old and the women young.
*
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
*
You know what comes between me and my Calvins?  Nothing!
*
The problem with any unwritten law is that you
       don't know where to go to erase it.
*
The word "gypsy" originally was short for "Egyptian."     
*
Children should be obscene and not heard.
*
You can buy flattery, but envy must be earned.
*
"Don't Dream It, Be It!"   --- Rocky Horror Picture Show
*
Achilles' Biological Findings:
	(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
	    looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
	(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
	    -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
	    rooster.
*
But say my verses do not scan,
And I get me another man!
*
If youve seen one redwood, youve seen them all.
RONALD REAGAN
*
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
*
Weinberg's Principle:
        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
*
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
*
After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
*
He that will not reason is a bigot;
he who cannot is a fool;
and he who dares not, is a slave.
*
The person who starts by saying, "Maybe I'm wrong", is often right.
*
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
*
This cookie back by popular demand!
*
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember 
that virtue is not hereditary. 
-Thomas Paine (1737-1809)  
*
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark.
You know what you're doing, but nobody else does.
*
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
*
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
*
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
*
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
*
You will walk like an Egyptian.
*
Hire the morally handicapped.
*
"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
and women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our
best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
we not God's Machineries of Joy?"

"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
*
Old frogs never die,
    But they do croak!
*
A best-seller was a book which somehow sold well simpliy
because it was selling well.

Daniel Boorstin
*
It would be inappropriate for the President of the United States
to try to fine-tune for the people of Hungary how they ought to eat -
how the cow out to eat the cabbage, as we say in the United States.
- George Bush, quoted in "Philadelphia Inquirer",
13 July 1989
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to
the stupidity of your action.
*
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap
door.

Paul Beatty
*
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
*
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
*
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's really where
you wish they were.
  --GEORGE E. BERGMAN
*
The star of riches is shining upon you.
*
If its good, they'll stop making it.

Herbert Block
*
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
		-- R. E. Masters
*
	YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
		      PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. MARC had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
*
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
*
Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
*
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
*
Hate is active, and envy passive dislike;
there is but one step from envy to hate.
               --- Goethe
*
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
*
Keyboard bad or missing. Press F1 to continue
*
Journalism largely consists of saying "Lord Jones is dead!" 
to people who never new Lord Jones was alive. 
-G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) 
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*
The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be
a credit to them.
*
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are
probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer
*
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
*
You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the
consequences. 
*
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
*
A mixture of admiration and pity is one of the surest recipes for
affection.
*
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
*
Astrology has the same relation to Science as Religion does to Reality - 
none whatsoever.
*
Washington (AP) -- The Army, alarmed by the number of soldiers who are
being run over in their sleep by tanks and other vehicles, has started
a safety campaign and demanded stricter disciplinary action by
officers against personnel who ignore safety guidelines.
*
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
*
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

CONFUCIUS
*
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
*
Accordion, n.:
A bagpipe with pleats.
*
Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
*
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
*
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
*
We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately.
  --BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
*
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

Ambrose Bierce
*
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
*
        VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
*
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas
gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the
modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a
giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The
experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's
wrong."
*
Deja vu?  Hmm, I've heard that expression somewhere before.
*
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
*
There are two kinds of people in this world:
     Those that want to BE something,
     and those that want to DO something.
     (There is less competition in the second category.)
*
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
*
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted
to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class
management.

Senator Soaper
*
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in
Italian.
*
Hindsight is an exact science.
*
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
*
Electrocution, n.:
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
*
"Love is a long term investment, not a quick return loan!"
*
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
        equipment ruined.
*
Vote for the man who promises least.  He'll be the least disappointing.
*
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person
I preach to.
*
Sex is one damp thing after another.
*
"Hail, hail, rock and roll." -- Chuck Berry
*
The old churchyard has been sadly neglacted bacause there have been no
burials for 20 years.  Please encourage everyone to remedy the situation.
*
When you save for a long time to buy something,
then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation.
*
Adult:  One old enough to know better.
*
Be different: conform.
*
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
*
The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat

Ogden Nash.
*
The decision is maybe
and that's final.
*
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
  --BOOK OF PROVERBS
*
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
*
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry
for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman
*
There are many who are uncomfortable with what we have created.  It is
almost a biological rebellion.  A profound revulsion against the planned
communities, the programming, the sterilized, artfully balanced
atmospheres.  They hunger for an Eden, where spring comes.
We all do.  The cave is deep in our memories.
-- Spock and Kirk, "The Way to Eden," stardate 5832.3.
*
Often he who hesitates is darn glad he did.
*
Our meetings are held
to discuss many problems
which would never arise
if we held fewer meetings.
*
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
*
Beifeld's Principle:
        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
        a better looking and richer male friend.
*
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing
our parents' shortcomings.

Laurence J Peter
*
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
-- Kirk, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
*
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's
better than no government at all.
*
Rowe's Rule: the odds are five to six that the light at the
end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

Paul Dickson
*
There is no expedient to which a man will not resort 
to avoid the real labor of thinking. 
-Sir Joshua Reynolds 
*
Necessity may be the mother of invention, but Greed is its father. 
(We're all ashamed of Greed, so he isn't mentioned much.) 
- R. Geis 
*
  greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
  (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tools that
  uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
Die, my dear doctor?  That's the last thing I shall do.
*
Hoffstedt's Employment Principle: 
Confusion creates jobs. 
*
Remember, the honeymoon is over when HE says he'll be late for dinner,
and SHE's already left a note saying it's in the fridge.
*
The problem with the Nazis wasn't simply that their leaders were the
evil, psychotic men they were.  But the main problem, I think was
the leader principle.
A man who holds that much power, even with the best intentions, just
can resist the urge to play God.
-- Kirk and McCoy, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result.
*
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
*
This was a one panel cartoon in "Aboriginal Science Fiction."

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth:
	An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander:
	"Well, now that we've captured their king they'll have to surrender!"

Behind them, bound and gagged:
	Elvis.
*
IN california, everyone either goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is
a therapist going to a therapist.
*
Save energy: be apathetic.
*
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
*
In critical moments men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.
-- Spock, "The Tholian Web," stardate 5693.2.
*
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
*
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
                -- Lazarus Long
*
No fortune is better than mis-fortune.
*
"Why is sexual gratification nobler than economic gratification?" -- Judge
Bork in his defense of a Connecticut law making private use of
contraceptives a crime.
*
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint 
upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. 
*
Heard this morning, September 5, on KDMG, Des Moines:

This morning's trivia question was "Does a deer have a gall bladder?"

A hunter calls in and answers "No, a deer doesn't."

After the usual chit-chat, the announcer trys to get a cheap plug
out of the guy "What radio station are you listening to this morning!"

"Uh," the hunter pauses, "This one?"

And this genius is walking around with a gun?
*
Spectators are requested NOT to fall into excavation so as not to injure
workmen.
*
An abbreviated view of world theology:

Taoism:       S--- happens.
Buddhism:     If s--- happens, it isn't really s---.
Zen:          What is the sound of s--- happening?
Hindu:        This s--- has happened before.
Islam:        If s--- happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestant:   Let s--- happen to someone else.
Catholicism:  If s--- happens, you deserved it.
Judaism:      Why does s--- always happen to us?

                   ---Elizabeth Crabbs
*
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
*
Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
*
Contract: An agreement that is only binding on the weaker party.
*
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
*
Life is hard and then you die.

-- Record Title
*
You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it. It will be yours for
the entire period this time around.
*
The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
old.  The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
are.  Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses
directly over the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we
ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
could be a real embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
are not.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
*
The final lesson of Viet Nam is that no great nation
can long afford to be sundered by a memory.
- George Bush, 1989 Inaugural Address
*
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a
managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.--
The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
*
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
*
Most people are afraid of being alone.
-- Kirk, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
*
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
*
She that paints her face, thinks of her tail.
*
The quality goes in before the name goes on.
*
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a
reasonable doubt.

Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
*
The girl had as many curves as a scenic railway.
*
What is it like to feel pain?
It is like ... when you see that people have no hope of happiness ...
you feel great despair ... your heart is heavy because you know you
can do nothing ... pain is like that.
-- Hodin and Odona of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Never forget - a mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do
something.
*
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

James Goldsmith
*
"Hairy fishnuts?" -- Opus
*
Interpreter, n.:
One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have
been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have
said.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
*
Fools belittle that which they do not understand.
Cynics belittle everything.
Midgets simply belittle.
*
If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars.
- J. Paul Getty
*
A fool and his money are invited places.
*
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
*
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
*
The only good government ... is a bad one in a hell of a fright.
*
Most men fall in love with a pretty face but find themselves bound for life
to a hateful stranger, alternating endlessly between workshop and a witch's
kitchen.
*
Weiler's Law:
        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        himself.
*
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
*
You have been selected for a secret mission.
*
Maybe someday your name will be in lights,
saying "Johnny B. Goode tonight"
*
You're at the end of the road again.
*
Biology grows on you.
*
Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
I never travel without my diary.  One should always have something
sensational to read in the train.
*
The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything;
the young know everything.
*
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
*
"Hi!  Do you know me?  Well, many people do.  But they don't always realize 
how smart I really am.  That's why I carry the Mensa Impress Card (tm).

When I was Governer of New Hampshire, battling wits with Michael Dukakis
over nuclear power, everyone thought I was brilliant.  But these days,
when it comes to cutting taxes, increasing spending, and balancing the budget
all at the same time, people sometimes question my intellect.  They start
confusing me with the Vice President.  At those crucial moments, all I have
to do is mention Mensa Impress (tm).  It makes pushing a budget as easy
as influence peddling!"

                                               - John Sununu

       The Mensa Impress Card (tm).  Don't go to Washington without it.
*
You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.
*
What governs men is the fear of truth.
*
Cynicism -- the intellectual cripple's substitute for
intelligence.

Russell Lynes
*
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
*
A penny saved is ridiculous.
*
How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own
before you can punch her in the face?
*
Economics is called the dismal science, but that's just
   because most economists are dismal scientists.
*
An englishman is a man who lives on an island in the North Sea governed
by Scotsmen.
*
I was brought up in a clergyman's house so I am a first-class liar.
*
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
*
Astronauts are out to launch.
*
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I
liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

Clarence Darrow
*
When you hear what I just found out, you'll never look the same way at
a bird or bee again!
*
There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
*
Scratch a lover and find a foe.
*
"The bigger they are...the harder they hit."
*
Rubbing elbows with a man will reveal things about him you never
suspected.  The same thing is true of rubbing fenders.
*
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore,
I have to beat somebody.
RICHARD M NIXON
*
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

Thomas Edison
*
You are here:   
		***
		***
	     *********
	      *******
	       *****
		***
		 *

		 But you're not all there.
*
Abolish first marriages!
*
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
                -- Thomas Jefferson
*
It's time you learned that freedom is never a gift.  It has to be earned.
-- Kirk, "The Return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4.
*
It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's
got so much better.
*
Heaven, n.:
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk
of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
while you expound your own.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme
caution.
*
You've seen the show...now read the book.
*
It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
*
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
and Immortality.
              -- Emily Dickinson
*
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even DOWN is up!
*
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The
world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Mark Twain
*
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
his mouth.
*
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always getting
pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
Lassie filed the applications for.
		-- Dave Barry
*
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it.
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
*
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
*
Do you know what it's like  alone, really alone? [They gave me] weapons,
shelter, food -- everything I needed to live -- except companionship ...
to send me here alone -- if that is not death, what is?
-- Zarabeth of Sarpeidon, "All Our Yesterdays," stardate 5943.9.
*
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age
eighteen.

Albert Einstein
*
A liberal is a person whose inerests aren't at stake,
at the moment.

Willis Player
*
I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.
*
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
*
Old mercenaries never die.  They just go to hell and regroup.
*
There's Kallicharan chasing after it, his legs going even faster than
he is!
*
There's one way to find out if a man's honest: ask him; if he says yes,
you know he's crooked.
  --MARK TWAIN
*
He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his
memoirs.
*
The good die young--because they see it's no use living if you've got to
be good.
  --JOHN BARRYMORE
*
"Footprints in the sands of time are never made by sitting down."
*
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going
to do is make the rubble bounce"

Winston Churchill
*
People don't care what kind of person you are but only what kind of
person you are to them.
*
It's not the men in my life that count; it's the life in my men.
*
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reaons.
  --BERTRAND RUSSELL
*
"Mummy dust to make me old;
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
Now begin thy magic spell!"     --     The Evil Queen
                                      "Snow White"
                                       Walter Elias Disney: 1937
*
When you are down and out, something always turns up - and it's usually the
noses of your friends.
*
"When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
when it looks like you will take a lickin'...
There is one thing you should learn,
when there is no one else to turn to,
caaaall for Super Chicken    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
caaaall for Super Chicken !!"
*
Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM  
is beginning to wish it had built. 
*
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
*
A car raising contest is a jack off.
*
Careful, Mister.  Old Zeek is liable to fire that sucker up!
*
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
*
Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)
*
Be alert,  America needs more lerts.
*
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
*
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
*
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
*
fIf you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.  This is the principal difference between a dog
and a man.
*
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
*
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
*
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his MORAL standards upon 'B',
'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
*
Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.
*
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
*
When two divorced people marry, four get into bed.
*
You like participating in competitive sports.
*
The truth is incontrovertible. 
Panic may resent it; 
ignorance may deride it; 
malice may distort it; 
but there it is. 
-Winston Churchill 
*
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
*
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
*
"Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
It's five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before."
                                          -- Captain James T. Kirk --
*
Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards 
upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel. 
- H. L. Mencken -
*
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mum.
*
The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.
*
I come unbundled.
*
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
*
Language is the tool by which we know and the probe by which we seek
to discover the reality behind appearances.
*
One thing about masterbation - you meet a better class of person.
*
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
*
Ignorance is preferable to error; 
and he is less remote from the truth who believes nothing, 
than he who believes what is wrong. 
-Thomas Jefferson  
*
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and
error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the
process as the experiment that ultimately "succeeds."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
came back."
*
On marriage:  The deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly
of the chaise longue.
*
If it was a bet, you wouldn't take it.
*
"Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies."
*
... he's a fully-fledged internationalist in the making.
*
If you want a thing well done, do it yourself.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
*
Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.
*
Is there anything in life so disenchanting as attainment?

Robert Louis Stevenson
*
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
*
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-- George Jean Nathan
*
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 
*
Jesus saves!
    Immanuel Kant.
*
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
*
Since the masses are always eager to believe
something, for their benefit nothing is so
easy to arrange as facts.
*
"Bye-bye, Miss American Pie.  Drove my Chevy to the levee,
but the levee was dry.  Them good old boys were drinkin'
whiskey and rye, sayin' 'This will be the day that I die.'" - Don MacLean
*
Human history becomes more and more a
race between education and catastrophe.
*
Confidence is the feeling you have before you know better.
*
You must be patient for a little while.
*
Don't insult the alligator until after you have crossed
the river.
*
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
*
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Wilson Mizner
*
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
*
Exercise is best started gradually. Today I shall attempt to register
a pulse.
*
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Isaac Asimov
*
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
*
The only tool diplomacy has is language.
-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
*
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
*
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is
both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is
interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet
paper.

R. Serling
*
"Hire the morally handicapped."
*
But to paraphrase a famous saying, who cares?
*
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
*
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views
after we have enlightened him with ours.
*
OWN YOUR OWN PATRIOT MISSILE
     It's a 10th scale model. Will launch to 400 feet in the air with
     solid fuel engines. Costs $23.99 and in most toy-hobby shops. Sales
     are booming.
*
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she hasn't got a lot to say.
*
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with
an aardvark
*
- I hate Graffiti
- I hate all Italian food
*
Q. How many SERC/ALVEY/ESPRIT project holders does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A. Just one, as long as there is a Research Assistant around to explain how
to do it.
*
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
*
Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained by people you
wouldn't have in your home.
  --DAVID FROST
*
When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your
yardstick.
*
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
  --M.C. ESCHER
*
If one offers money to a government to influence it, that is corruption. 
But if someone receives money for services rendered afterward, that is a
commision.
                           - Adnan Khashoggi, Saudi arms dealer
*
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
*
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
*
The three laws of thermodynamics:

The First Law:  You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
                even.
The Third Law:  You can only break even at absolute zero.
*
Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a
human soul.
  --MARK TWAIN
*
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky
may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow
never comes!!

Adventures of Asterix.
*
"Don't wanna cause a big s-s-sensation,
just talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation." -- The Who
*
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age
of 100 showed that all had these things in common:

1. They all had moderate appetites.
2. They all came from middle class homes
3. All but two of them were dead.
*
Can I get a witness?
*
Pig, n.:
An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human
race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which,
however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
*
Marrieage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the
maximum of opportunity.
*
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Lily Tomlin
*
I've had enough of gardening - I'm just about ready to throw in the trowel.
*
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
*
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
*
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
*
A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an 
Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, 
and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side 
of a planet? 
                                       - Tom Galloway
*
Machines should work.  People should think.
*
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 
-La Rochefoucauld   
*
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
*
...you'll be able to read it in black and white tomorrow, and if you get
the Financial Times, you'll see it in pink and white.
*
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Elliot, "E.T."
*
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
*
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
*
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between
the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the
questions, at eighteen all the answers.
*
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.

M C ESCHER
*
You do not have to get hot in this room.  Please control yourself.
*
In war there is no substitute for victory.

Douglas MacArthur
*
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
*
*
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
*
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 
*
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
*
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
*
If you wish, You will have an opportunity.
*
Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of quishing noises.  It shows your
mind isn't clicking right.
*
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is
an enemy.
*
Democracy substitutes selection by the incompetent many
for appointment by the corrupt few.
*
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet ... I'm hunting wabbits ... heh, heh, heh, heh.
*
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.

Tom Leher
*
She was an earthly woman, so I treated her like dirt.
*
Turnaucka's Law:
        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
        electrical cord.
*
Hofstadter's Law:
        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
        Hofstadter's Law into account.
*
Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic.
- Albert Camus, "The Rebel", 1951
*
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of
your fate and captain of your soul.
*
Patton's Law:  
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 
*
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
*
Give - help send a girl to Boy's Town.
*
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the
country.

Mel Brooks
*
Subspace communications - it's the next best thing to beaming there!
  --LT. UHURA
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of
your action.
*
Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes.
*
A good memory is needed after one has lied.

Pierre Corneille
*
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.
As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you
today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
*
Tonight's the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made
happy.
*
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
*
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left-handed people are in their right mind.
*
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
*
No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are
feeling sensible.
*
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
*
Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope.

C.P. Snow
*
The world is coming to an end!
Repent and return those library books!
*
The ballot is stronger than the bullet.

Abraham Lincoln
*
There is no force so powerful as an idea whose time has
come.

Everett Dirkson
*
When the Earl of Lichfield said he was dropping her because 'she was no good
in the country': And he's no good in bed.
*
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
C. Degen
*
Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
*
Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.
*
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about
himself and then says them about other people.

Peter McArthur
*
Corollary:
        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        except study for that instructor's course.
*
If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted.
*
A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
*
Wisdom begins where the fear of God ends.
*
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by
at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can
deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction
which doesn't work.
*
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you
can't find them.
*
... they're players who are half a yard quicker in their minds,
so their don't need to be there.
*
To do is to be - Nietzsche
To be is to do - Sartre
Do be do be do - Sinatra
*
History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
*
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
*
There's a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things
you've already made up your mind about.
-- Spock, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
*
Transportable: Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm 
system.
 
User-Friendly: Supplied with a full-color manual.
*
College football is a game which would be much more
interesting if the faculty played instead of the students,
and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would
be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and
simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to
humanity.

H. L. Mencken
*
There comes a point where every woman has to face up to being an old broad.
*
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
*
Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also
easy to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
improve.
*
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.9.
*
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
*
"Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned."

D. Graeme
*
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
*
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
*
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than
a cause of the future.
*
We'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
*
Being human does have certain advantages -- being able to appreciate
the beauty of a flower, of a woman.
-- Kirk, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
*
Not everything in life is funny. - R.L. Asprin
*
The radical invents the views.  When he has worn them out, the conservative
adopts them.
*
Youth is a period of missed opportunities.
- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
*
A fool and his money are some party.
*
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's
been mailed.
*
What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?
An inconceivable disturbance. 
- Anon 
*
Gravity brings me down.
*
Law of Selective Gravity:
        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
*
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
*
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
*
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
*
Todd's First Law:
All things being equal, you lose.
*
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
*
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't
reach a conclusion.
*
We judge ourselves by what we feel capable
of doing, while others judge us by what we have done.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
*
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
*
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
transparency.
  --GEORGE JEAN NATHAN
*
"I don't drink water. Fish make love in it"
*
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on
and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
We estimate there are millions of planets with intelligent life.  We
haven't begun to map them.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Hypocrisy is the homage which vice pays to virtue. 
-La Rochefoucauld 
*
All's well that ends well. - E.A. Poe
*
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
*
You should always believe all you read in the newspapers, as this makes
them more interesting.
*
"To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady!"
---Wilson Mizner
*
A small child is someone who can wash his hands
without getting the soap wet.
  --RED O'DONNELL
*
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but
wats it back the minute it begins to rain.
                            - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
*
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
*
Among the porcupines, rape is unknown.
*
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
*
The applause of a single human being is of great
consequence.

Samuel Johnson
*
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you?
*
Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always
triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
*
In practical life, the woman is judged by man's law,
as if she were a man, not a woman.

Henrik Ibsen
*
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
*
Oh you never would believe where these little cookies come from...
*
There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong.
*
"Most self-made men worship their creators."
*
The important thing is not to stop questioning.  Curiosity has
its own reason for existing.
*
Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned. - D. Graeme
*
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?
Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole
purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to
your place by taxi.

P. J. O'Rourke
*
Lake Erie died for your sins.
*
"The sexual drive is nothing but the motor memory of previously experienced
pleasure."
*
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
*
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy
retail."
*
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
*
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work,
the rest willing to let them.

Robert Frost
*
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
  --GRAFFITI
*
One of the advantages of a clean life is that you can distinguish
between the flu and a hangover.
*
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
*
He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with...
*
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a
long time.
*
Gossip is the art of saying nothing in such a way, that leaves practically
nothing unsaid.
*
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
*
The only thing more disturbing than a neighbor with a noisy old car
is a neighbor with a quiet new one.
*
I am righteously indignant;  YOU are annoyed;  HE is making a fuss
about nothing.
*
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
-- Kirk, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
Alas, poor yorlik, I knew him backwards.
*
We can supply the Know-How But Not The Common Scents.
*
Husbands ordering specially mixed colours must have signed note from their
wives.
*
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
*
"Free are those who dream dreams."
*
A bird in the hand is good, but remember it has wings.
*
Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.
*
The unnatural, that too is natural.
*
Q: How many Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 20. They don't need a lightbulb once the Radical Internal Screwing
Candle machine is re-invented.
*
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached
their level of incompetence.
*
Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon.
*
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

Pogo
*
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and
husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as
symmetrical as it might seem.

Alan McKay
*
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
*
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
*
Consistency is a paste jewel that only cheap men cherish.
*
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
  --SAMUEL GOLDWYN
*
MAMA KNOWS BEST
      Two Red Robin restaurant workers in Seattle didn't seem to think so.
      This 9 months pregnant women (after lugging the kid around in her
      tummy all day) decides to relax and drop in for a strawberry daiquari.
      The two employees, appalled by the "Alcohol can cause birth defects"
      warning, didn't want to serve her. Suggested a virgin daiquari. Didn't
      work, so the employee put the sign, "ALCOHOL CAN CAUSE BIRTH DEFECTS"
      on her table and refused to serve her. The pregnant woman turned to
      her friend and mentioned the baby was past due. One of the employees
      said, "The baby was past due and had had its chance." Anyways, both
      employees were fired, a health baby was delivered shortly after, and
      there was a very upset customer..Didn't say if an attorney had been
      chosen. 
*
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
*
Don't be indispensable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
*
Middle age is whenever you go on holiday you pack a sweater.
*
Clark's Law: The only way to discover the limits of the 
possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. 
*
The nice thing about buying beer is that no one ever asks what year
you want.
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
*
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
*
Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
*
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
*
And with 35 minutes gone, it's Barcelona 2, Sofia 1.  Just the kind of
result we were expecting at this stage, except that the Bulgarians have
scored.
*
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what
they do not want to hear.
  --GEORGE ORWELL
*
"The strongest memory is weaker than the palest ink."
*
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
*
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
*
Predestination was doomed from the start.
*
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without
knowledge, of things without parallel.
  --AMBROSE BIERCE
*
Dare to be true. Nothing can need a lie:
a fault which needs it most, grows two thereby.                 
*
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
  --ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
*
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account,
checks take two weeks to clear.  When there are insufficient
funds, checks clear overnight.
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
*
"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a
Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of
asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to
what my mother told me when I was young!"
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen!"
Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
*
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
*
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a
house on the beach.
*
We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
ugly paneling is to begin with.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
*
Any club that would accept me as a member, I wouldn't want to join.
*
When GOD made women, he was only testing.
*
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
*
Parker's Law:
        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
*
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can
never stop and take a rest.
*
God rest ye CS students now,
Let nothing you dismay.
The VAX is down and won't be up,
Until the first of May.
The program that was due this morn,
Won't be postponed, they say.

	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
	Comfort and joy,
	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

The bearings on the drum are gone,
The disk is wobbling, too.
We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Can't tell false from true.
And now we find that we can't get
At Berkeley's 4.2.

	(chorus)
*
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
*
America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood?
ALLEN GINSBERG
*
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into
a committee -- that will do them in.
*
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the
lesson afterward.
  --VERNON LAW
*
An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
*
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.
*
Q. How many Building Services People (New Telephone people) does it take
to change a lightbulb?
A. One to take the message, one to explain why Keith Hough is away on a
course, one to lose the yellow slip, one to tell the GEC engineer to
connect the wrong wires, one to remove Ursula's skirting board, one to
build a Departmental Database of bulbs that need changing, one to rekey
the information into an IBM PC, the man who knows why we can't use the
switchboard console at the moment, and.....
someone who remembers why we wanted lightbulbs in the first place.
*
It's all a matter of taste. - B. Midler
*
Suggested epitaph for an available actress: She sleeps alone at last.
*
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow,"
stardate 4770.3.
*
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand our leaflets.
*
It works better if you plug it in.
*
You will be successful in love.
*
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
*
Justice is incedental to law and order.
*
"A husband is what is left of a man after the nerve is extracted."
---Helen Rowland
*
The United States is like the guy at the party 
who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. 
-Jim Samuels 
*
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
*
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
*
Outside every thin girl there is a fat man trying to get in.
*
The cheese stands alone.
*
It's wrong to create a whole race of humans to live as slaves.
-- Number One, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater.

William Hazlitt
*
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
*
You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery.
*
There is always more brass than brains in an aristocracy.
*
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
*
I claim that wasn't necessary.   (D. D.)
*
We've each learned to be delighted with what we are.
-- Kirk, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at
least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts
are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but
when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
		-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
*
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
GRAFFITI
*
Among the things that money can't buy is what it used to.
*
When the lay public rallies round to an idea that is
denounced by distinguised but elderly scientists and supports
the idea with great fervour and emotion, the distinguised but
elderly scientists are then, after all, right.

Isaac Asimov
*
"You and what army?"
*
Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait.
They never meet.
*
It is customarily said that Christmas is done for the kids -
considering how awful Christmas is, and how little our society likes
children, this must be true.
*
The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 
-Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970) 
*
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
*
When all else fails, read the instructions.
*
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to
marry my sister.
*
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
*
Distress, n.:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a
friend.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
She had lost the art of conversation, but
not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

George Bernard Shaw
*
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

W. C. Fields
*
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
*
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
- Robert Frost
*
He went down like a sack of potatoes, then made a meal of it...
*
I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
*
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.

"Diet."
*
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; 
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. 
-John W. Raper  
*
The most popular labour saving device today is still
a husband with money.

Joey Adams
*
Not only is there no God,
but try getting a plumber on the weekend.

Woody Allan
*
"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...

		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
*
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
*
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
*
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VOLTAIRE
*
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
*
You will catch your rattling last breath with deep-sea diver sounds.
*
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents;
maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of
the younger generation.
*
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are Bigger
than yours.
*
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market
is to start with a large fortune."
*
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
*
Friend: One who knows all about you
and loves you just the same.
                            - Elbert Hubbard
*
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
*
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather
it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my
own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it
would not be fair on the company.

J. Wellington Wells
*
Men play the game; women know the score.
*
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:One per person.
*
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
*
We Are Open Seven Days A Week, Including Sundays.
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
*
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
*
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
*
"Ba, ba, ba ... ba, Barbara Anne ..."
*
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
*
Early in life I noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a
newspaper.
*
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to
be thought so.
                   --- Edward Peony, "The Stupidity Of Man And Rules"
*
Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. 
While one pulled on its head and the other pulled 
on its tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer. 
-Jewish parable 
*
Celebrate Hannibal Day today.  Take an elephant to lunch.
*
If your paycheck balances, look for an overdraft in the mail. 
-MURPHY 
*
GO TO HELL!
     Accordinmg to the info from Steve Rubenstein, polesters, after a
     recent survey, found that 78 percent believe in Hell but only
     4% think THEY are going there. "Hell is for the other guy."
*
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
*
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

C.E. Montague
*
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
*
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
  --WINSTON CHURCHILL
*
I was married once - in San Francisco.  I haven't seen her for many years.
The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate.
There's no legal proof.  Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
*
A woman without a man is like a garden without a fence.
*
Kinkler's Second Law:
        All the easy problems have been solved.
*
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
pick your friend's nose.
*
Smile--It makes people wonder what you're thinking.
*
Cigarette, n.:
A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco
in between.
*
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
*
"To drift is to be in hell, to be in heaven is to steer."
*
Satyrs have more faun. 
*
To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.
*
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
*
Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the
office.  He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
were both holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of
juice.  But only *__he* had a lollipop.

He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"

Her reply:

	"He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's what it
	means to be a programmer."
*
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is
working when he's staring out the window.
*
"Rhett, Rhett!  What shall I do?  Where shall I go?"
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
*
Real Time, adj.:
Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs
there and then.
*
The man who doesn't read good books 
has no advantage over the man who can't read them. 
-Mark Twain (1835-1910) 
*
Driving with one hand on the wheel and one hand on the girl satisfies
neither the Highway Patrol nor the girl.
*
Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.
*
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
*
In order to obtain and hold power a man must love it.
Thus the effort to get it is not likely to be coupled
with goodness, but with the opposite qualities of
pride, craft and cruelty.
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
*
He who hesitates is last.
*
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
*
A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to
join you in your troubles.
*
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students."
-- John Ciardi
*
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
*
I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day;
I never had time for tobacco since.
*
Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.
*
It's hard to keep your head when your neck is on the line.
*
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
*
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
*
You were treading where no man fears to go.
*
Frobnicate, v.:
	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
	Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob
	a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and
	TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB
	connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
	manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK
	connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a knob on an
	oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is
	probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at
	the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing
	it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
*
To be nobody-but-myself--in a world which is doing its best,
night and day, to make you everybody else--means to fight the   
hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
*
Jones's First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field
ofendeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes
an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
*
H. L. Mencken's Law:
	Those who can -- do.
	Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
*
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
*
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
  --DYLAN THOMAS
*
You may be conservative, cautious and practical.
*
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.
*
Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations.
*
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. 
-Samuel Goldwyn 
*
A penny saved is ridiculous.
*
Admiration, n.:
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Maybe alcohol picks you up a little bit, but it sure lets you down in
a hurry.
*
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now.
*
It is easier to appear worthy of a position one does not
hold, than of the office which one fills.

Duc de La Rochefoucauld
*
Binary, adj.:
Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
*
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
*
Other people have a nationality.  The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.
*
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to
face .... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of
ourselves as gods.
-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3
*
It's getting near dawn, when stars close their tired eyes.
I'll soon be with you, my love; give you my dawn surprise. -- Cream
*
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
*
The only cultural advantage to living in California is being able to turn
right on a red light.
  --WOODY ALLEN
*
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
*
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of
statements understood by the general public.
*
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
*
Incidentally, by the way.
*
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
*
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
*
Well at least a dime can still be used as a screwdriver.
*
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
*
Walk softly but carry a big stick.
*
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.
That the love of life is the greatest gift .. we are incapable
of destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we
love so deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
  --MAE WEST
*
The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.
- Charles de Gaulle, 1967
*
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's
wife.
*
A house is not a home.

Polly Adler. American madam.
*
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not
sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
                               - Richard Milhouse Nixon, Republican
*
Never be first.
*
Summer: When the highway authorities close all the regular roads and
open up the detours.
*
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
*
PIZZA MAKERS COULD BE OBSOLETE
     Now it's automated pizza. All mechanical. Not only that, it is voice
     activated. Will start making your pizza at your verbal command. It's
     called the Pizzabot. Mechanical arms do the work spreading the sauce
     and adding the toppings. One counter person supervises the whole
     operation. His only job is to remove it from the oven and collect
     your dough.
*
When our vices leave us, we flatter ourselves 
with the credit of having left them. 
-La Rochefoucauld (1747-1827) 
*
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
*
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
*
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
*
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
*
Instruments register only through things they're designed to register.
Space still contains infinite unknowns.
-- Spock, "The Naked Time," stardate 1704.2.
*
Enough research will tend to support your theory

Murphy's Law of Research
*
Many changes of mind and mood;  do not hesitate too long.
*
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 
*
Historians USED to do it
*
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
*
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  There's no use
being a damned fool about it.
*
Laser Printer: A xerographic copying machine with additional mal- 
functioning parts. 
*
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
*
"Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it!"
*
A Law of Computer Programming:
        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
        will find the programmers cannot write in English.
*
It is a good thing that beauty is only skin deep or I would be rotten to
the core.
  --PHYLLIS DILLER
*
Buttercup looked at Westley.  "The Fire Swamp?  Are you mad?!  We'll never
survive!"

Westley smiled at Buttercup as he grasped her hand.  "Nonsense," he said.
"You're only saying that because no one ever has."

                                     William Goldman (The Princess Bride)
*
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
*
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

David Everett
*
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
*
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
*
When in doubt, you're always right.
*
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
days before Saturday.
*
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
*
Nothing is so firmly believed as what we least know. 
-Montaigne 
*
HERE'S ANOTHER "HOW DUMB CAN YOU GET?"
     Thomas Peedin, 18 stole a car with a cellular phone. The cops get
     the bright idea to call him. He answers. Cop: "I hear you got a
     car you want to get rid of. I want to look it over. Meet me in the
     parking lot at Sunset and High in 5 minutes."  The rendezvous was made
     and Peedin was arrested.
*
... the intellect is not all -- but its cultivation must come first,
or the individual makes errors -- wastes time in unprofitable pursuits.
-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time
of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.
- Dante
*
Computers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but your operators.
*
Learning is a feast for the mind and spirit and a source of lasting joy.
*
IS IT A DEMOCRACY WHEN THE F.B.I. CLOSES BAY AREA BOOKSTORES?
     The FBI and Federal Marshalls have closed five Bay Area book stores
     and movie theaters for selling pornographic material. Apparently
     they have become guardians of the written word (and visual viewing)
     of what we MAY and MAY NOT see. This comes from an Examiner editorial.
     Bulletin boards next?
*
"May you live all the days of your life."
*
Trust him, but still keep your eyes open.
*
See your dealer, or send a check to me: Joe Isuzu
*
Penicillin - The only thing to give a man who has everything.
*
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
*
Are you a turtle?
*
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular."
-- Adlai Stevenson
*
Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
"The Waltons".  Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind
of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The
government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money
and go to a mall.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
*
You are putting out fire with gasoline.
*
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?
*
Invention is the mother of necessity.
*
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine
is quiet when well oiled.
*
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
-Rene Magritte 
*
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
*
Finagle's Creed:
        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
*
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
*
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
*
God will not look you over for medals,
degrees or diplomas, but for scars. 
*
Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
*
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
*
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
*
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
*
When a finger points at the moon, 
the imbecile looks at the finger.  -Chinese Proverb 
*
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
*
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
		-- Isaac Asimov
*
"Heads will have to roll!"
---Nancy Regan, 8/3/87
*
It doesn't make sense.  If you put two dollars on a horse 
and twelve thousand on a car, it's the former they call gambling.
-ROBERT ORBEN
*
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        another drink.
*
"Who cares for you?" said Alice.  "You're nothing but a pack of cards!"
*
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
*
Murphy's Law predicts the extinction of Gremlins...
when it's least expected.
*
Duty: A fee paid for transacting in good<s>. - U.S. Dept. of Commerce
*
"Automatic"  simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
*
...the difference between town and country is mostly the
view.

Nan Fairbrother
*
I've Fallen and I can't Get Up!
*
         "On the turning away,
          From the pale and down-trodden,
          and the words they say,
          which we won't understand.
          Don't accept that what's happening
          is just a case of others' suffering
          or you'll find that you're joining in
          the turning away.

          It's a sin that somehow
          light is changing to shadow
          and casting it's shroud
          over all we have known.
          Unaware how the ranks have grown
          driven on by a heart of stone
          We could find that we're all alone
          in the dream of the proud.

          On the wings of the night
          as the daytime is stirring
          where the speechless unite
          in a silent accord.
          Using words you will find are strange
          and mesmerized as they light the flame
          feel the new wind of change
          on the wings of the night.

          No more turning away
          from the weak and the weary
          No more turning away
          from the coldness inside.
          Just a world that we all must share
          it's not enough just to stand and stare
          Is it only a dream that there'll be
          no more turning away?"

                   -- Pink Floyd, "On the Turning Away", Momentary Lapse of
                      Reason, D. J. Gilmore and A. Moore, 1986

*
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
*
Everything short of war, President Roosevelt promised the English by way of
help in the dark days of the blitz; in the same way, American girls are
liable to promise their beaux everything short of fornication.
*
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are 
an even bigger pain the second time around. 
-HERB CAEN 
*
I love children - parboiled.
*
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
*
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
*
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
*
What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
*
"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
come to brass tacks"
T. S. Elliot -
*
I don't know, but I've been told a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
*
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
 If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
damn near zero.
DAVID ELLIS
*
Chantilly Lace had a pretty face; a ponytail, hanging down.
*
Once, adv.: Enough.
*
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker can
gain a reputation for being civilized.
*
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
*
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
*
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
*
God did not create the world in seven days.
    He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
*
Don't panic.
*
Another one dusts the byte.
*
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
*
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
*
The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Jean Giraudoux
*
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer
analysts.
*
Lie: The program is bug free.
*
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.
*
"I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!"
*
To Noah!
The only man in history, who has been able to float a limited company,
while the rest of the world has gone into liquidation.
*
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
*
The first three minutes of life can be the most dangerous.
- The last three are pretty dodgy too!
*
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Notes:  This has also been said of Virginians.
*
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy
fortune tellers take economists seriously?
*
For Sale, Smoker's chair.  Solid Ash.
*
A cynic is a man who, when he smells
flowers, looks around for a coffin.

H. L. Mencken
*
Never underestimate the power of fear.
*
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
*
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
*
Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
*
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
*
Less than one ounce of anti-matter here is more powerful than
ten thousand cobalt bombs.
Let's hope it's as powerful as man will ever get.
-- Ensign Garrovick and Kirk, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
Better that a man's own works, than another man's words should praise him.
*
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
*
"I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
up."
-- Will Rogers
*
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
*
For  locating  errors,  however,  we  want a person who has the 
persistence of a mother-in-law and the collecting instincts  of 
a pack rat. 
- Weinberg, p.136
*
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps
on to the grand fallacy.
*
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
*
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
To have a women to lye with when one pleases, without running any risk of the
cursed expense of bastards... these are solid views of matrimony.
*
Committee work is like a soft chair...
...easy to get into but hard to get out of.
*
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your
way.
*
"A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space."
-- Gloria Steinem
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.
- Wynn Catlin
*
Gee, Ward, weren't you kind of hard on the Beaver last night?
*
It is easier to stay out than to get out. 
-Mark Twain 
*
              If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense
              of wonder without any such gift from the fairies,
              he needs the companionship of at least one adult
              who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy,
              excitement, and mystery of the world we live in.

                                                --Rachel Carson
*
Come to Ch**ch.  What is missing?
*
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
*
A woman's work is never done by men.
*
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
whole truth.
		-- Stephen R. Schwambach
*
To iterate is human;  to recurse, divine.
*
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.

-- Mark Twain
*
Weinberg's First Law:
        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Second Law:
        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
        civilization.
*
The time is right to make new friends.
*
Draw your salary before spending it.
*
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.  The haves get more, the
have-nots die.
*
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
*
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue
to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant
may prove to be our executioner.
- General Omar Bradley
*
We have the right to survive!
Not by killing others.
-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
Prostitues for pleasure, concubines for service, wives for breeding.
('and a melon for ecstacy' is sometimes added...)
*
"The real beauty of democracy is that the average man
believes he is above average."
*
Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts.
*
Make no little plans.  They have no Magic to stir Men's blood.
  --D.B. HUDSON
*
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
*
Morality is simply the atitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike.
  --OSCAR WILDE
*
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
*
If you believe in gambling in the end you will sell your house.
*
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two
cats. -- Ben Franklin
*
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
*
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
*
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
*
You will be successful in your work.
*
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
*
A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader
inspires them with confidence in themselves.
*
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
*
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
*
Murphy's Law of Research:
        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
*
I won't take my religion from any man who never works 
except with his mouth and never cherishes any memory  
except the face of the woman on the American silver dollar. 
-Carl Sandburg (To a Contemporary Bunkshooter (ie: Billy Sunday)) 
*
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
without civilization in between.
*
Nuke the Whales!
*
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
threw my amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste.
First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed
forward, shouting "The WHO!  The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say that this was a
symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded
OK.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
*
Writing is the only profession
where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

Jules Renard
*
The stranger, the better...
*
God is Dead
		-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
		-- God
Nietzsche is God
		-- The Dead
*
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
*
Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.
*
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
*
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
*
Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse.
*
The difference with playing the stock market 
and the horses is that one of the horses must win. 
-Joey Adams
*
Idiot Box, n.:
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
*
Good friends and fish stink after 3 days. - Ben Franklin
Especially if you don't refrigerate them. - Terry Mahoney
*
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
*
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
*
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
*
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty
without any proof"
Ashley Montague -
*
The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is
waiting.
*
Levity is the soul of wit.

Melville D. Landon. (Eli Perkins)
*
The time is right to pursue your endeavors.
*
Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
*
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
*
No anchovies, please.
*
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 
- Franz Kafka - 
*
Illiterate?  Write Today for Free Help.
*
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
*
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
*
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
*
A minor operation: one performed on somebody else.
*
I once married a pair of legs which was a bad idea.
*
After banging your head against a brick wall for long enough you'd think
that some of it would rub off.
*
If there are only two shows on TV worth watching this week, they will be on
at the same time.
*
Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.
*
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
I thought everything was all settled.
I thought we made and took our stand.
Then why does everything become so muddled
When we reach...and take each other's hand?
*
Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
		-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
*
Q. How many Formal Methods Pragmatists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2. One to change the bulb and one to re-write the specification.
*
Ignorance doesn't kill you but it makes you sweat a lot.
*
No more blah, blah, blah!
-- Kirk, "Miri," stardate 2713.6.
*
Sex is like money - very nice to have but vulgar to talk about.
*
But now he has to consummate the lead...and that's not always easy.
*
God is real unless declared integer.
*
Nothing befalls a man except what is in his nature to
endure.

Marcus Aurelius
*
"There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here,"
you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better
than "here."
*
"There are old pilots; there are bold pilots. But there are no old AND
bold pilots!"                      -- Anonymous
*
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better
defense"
*
Don't feed the bats tonight.
*
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
*
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
*
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the
newspapers.
*
God made things that creep and crawl, but British rail - it beats them all!
*
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
*
Socialism is nothing more than the
capitalism of the lower classes.
*
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!

Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
*
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
*
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
along.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
*
The Puritan's idea of Hell is a place where everybody has to mind his own
business.
                      - Attributed to Wendell Phillips (1811-1884)
*
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you! - Y. Arafat
*
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
*
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
*
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
*
I could prove God statistically.
GEORGE GALLUP
*
Every family tree has some sap.
*
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
*
"Since Brevity is the Soul of Wit,
and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,
I will be brief."
                      - William Shakespeare (Hamlet act II)
*
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
*
Australia:  Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
*
Is everybody happy? - Machiavelli
*
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is completely
programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
*
In jealousy there is more self-love than love.
*
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.
*
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can
be made, in a narrow field.

Niels Bohr. Danish physicist
*
Good health will be yours for a long time.
*
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with
that it's compounding a felony.
  --ROBERT BENCHLEY
*
Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
*
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        percent.
*
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
- Winston Churchill
*
Human needs must always be placed above property rights and
institutions.
*
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
*
Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're too
busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.
*
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
*
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses
probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like
enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their
attitude is: "We're wild horses.  We're going to eat your food, knock
down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,
just like Richard Nixon."
		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
*
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
*
Whatever their other contributions to our society, 
lawyers could be an important source of protein. 
*
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
*
"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months
for possession of a deadly weapon!"
 - cartoon by S. Harris -
*
The world is so big and so global now.
*
"Literature should not be supressed merely because it offends the moral code
of the censor."
---Justice William O. Douglas
*
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
*
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?
*
This may be a take-away joint, but that doesn't mean customers can take away
our menu cards.
*
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
*
There is ONE outstandingly important fact about our spaceship Earth,
and that is that No instruction book came with it!
*
BEAUTIFUL FEATHERS, GREAT SPORT TO SHOOT
     That's what almost make the California Condor extinct. Another chick
     was hatched at San Diego Wild Animal Park. It now makes a known count
     of 43 living Condors. When I was small there were three taxidermist
     shops in my home town and each supported a stuffed condor in its
     window.  Taxidermy is almost a lost art now days. A very unpopular
     trade to most people.
*
The man who criticizes his wife's taste is apt to overlook the
fact that she picked him for a husband.
*
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
*
Olivers's Law of Location: 
No matter where you go, there you are. 
*
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient
premises.
  --SAMUEL BUTLER
*
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell
me where to get more wax!!"
*
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
H P LOVECRAFT
*
A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
*
Wisdom and good sense guard life from harm.
*
Often the difference between a successful relationship and a mediocre
one consists of leaving about three things a day unsaid.
*
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday,
Wednesday,and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum
theory on Tuesday,Thursday, and Saturday.

- William Bragg -
*
I remind you that humans are only a tiny minority in this galaxy.
-- Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
*
Back of every achievement is a proud wife,
and a surprised mother-in-law.

Brooks Hays
*
A traffic light is a little green light that changes to red when your
car approaches it.
*
Smile! Things can only get worse.
*
That's funny, I never have any trouble with service when I'm shopping.
						-K. Kong
*
In case of fire,
yell "FIRE!"
*
If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their
fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.
*
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
*
Authorization for a project will be granted only when none of those
authorizing can be blamed if the project fails, but all can take credit
if it succeeds.
*
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste
terrible.
*
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
                -- Clint Eastwood
*
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
*
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on
gettingsome useful work done.
*
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
*
You are never selfish with your advice or your help.
*
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
*
A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her.
*
Computer Science:  A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking
the precision of the former and the success of the latter...
*
So you think I'm a bad driver.  You should see me putt.
*
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
*
Black holes are outa sight!
*
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
in this country are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly
not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
		-- Monty Python
*
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch,
   and one loop.......... And at least one bug!
*
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
            first two laws.
*
The field is not very far behind and these two are not very far in front.
*
Men have become the tools of their tools.
-Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
*
The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
results.

The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.
*
Learn as though you were to live forever, live as though you were to die
tomorrow.
*
To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.
*
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.

Albert Einstein
*
What if they gave a war and only one side came? - Lucifer
*
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as
good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
  --CHARLOTTE WHITTON
*
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.
*
Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you
to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is Ok, and real programmers wear
their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
in the middle of the machine room.
*
Think that day lost whose low descending sun 
Views from thy hand no worthy action done. 
-Anon. (ca. 1690) 
*
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
*
A CONS is an object which cares.

Bernie Greenberg.
*
Any man more right than his neighbor,
constitutes a majority of one.
*
Got Mole problems?                   23
          Call Avogadro at  6.02 X 10
*
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
                -- Marguerite Emmons
*
Take an astronaut to launch.
*
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
*
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
*
Faced with having to change our views or prove that there is no need
to do so, most of us get busy on the proof.
*
"No Freeman shall be debarred the use of arms in his own lands or tenements."
     - Thomas Jefferson, from the Virginia Constitution, Third Draft
*
        CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
*
Drilling for oil is boring.
*
Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic; it is triggered
easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine.
*
A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
*
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
*
Alliance, n.:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
they cannot separately plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
*
How can you be in two places at once when you're not
anywhere at all?
*
The Dream Police, they live inside of my head.
*
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
*
Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.
*
"Well the three men I admire most: the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost;
they caught the last train for the coast the day the music died."
*
The only solution is...a balance of power.  We arm our side with
exactly that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest,
most difficult, dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that
preserves both sides.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
A lie in time saves nine.
*
A member of your family will soon do something that will make your
proud.
*
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters
shaking hands.

H.L. Mencken
*
Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where
he is on the court.
*
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
*
You will hear a sound like a hundred thousand people saying 'whop'.
*
What is loneliness?
It is a thirst ... it is a flower, dying in a desert ...
-- Reena Kapec and Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

William G. McAdoo
*
And I suppose, per head of population, a really tremendous ovation from
this crowd...
*
You are a bundle of energy always on the go.
*
Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.

Josh Billings. (Henry Wheeler Shaw)
*
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.

Scottish Proverb
*
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
*
Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs.
*
Man is condemned to be free;
because once thrown into the world,
he is responsible for everything he does.
*
Linus:I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about
tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that
yesterday will get better.
*
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
*
There is no counter for a spirited woman except spirited drink. - R. Butler
*
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
*
The show's not over 'til the fat lady sings.
*
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier
to program in than some that do.
Dennis M. Ritchie
*
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
*
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
*
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
*
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
*
"It is so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't
know much about the problem."
*
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
*
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
*
I am fond of children (except boys).
*
People who love sausage and respect the law should never
watch either of them being made.
*
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
*
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
*
"I'm a space cowboy.  Bet you weren't ready for that.
I'm a space cowboy.  I'm sure you know where it's at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." -- Steve Miller
*
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling
investment of fact.

Mark Twain
*
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
*
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
*
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
  --MARK TWAIN
*
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
                -- D. J. Hicks
*
Familiarity breeds attempt
*
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
*
"Everything bows to success...even grammar!"
*