%%
			*** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
%%
			ACHTUNG!!!

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%%
			Chapter 1

The story so far:

	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
%%
			DELETE A FORTUNE!

Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!	Just mail to
"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
gets expunged.
%%
		AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
%%
		AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%%
		WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:

Firings will continue until morale improves.
%%
	___
 lim  V 3  = 2
3->4
%%
       T
      O O
      MUC
    H S E X
    MAKESYO
    UREYESG
     OFUNNY
%%
    ***
  *******
 *********
 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
  *******
   ***
%%
!xob XINEX siht edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH
%%
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.	"He is full of
murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
their ignorance the hard way."
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
%%
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. Thats logic."
		-- Lewis Carroll
%%
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
%%
"Love really is a many-splendored thing," Mamba thought to herself as Thad
shoved another handful of peanuts up her trunk...
%%
"Martyrdom" is the only way a person can become famous without ability
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Rare" means "Raw".  "Well done" means "burned".
%%
"Some Assembly Required" means "Engineering Degree Necessary."
%%
"Starring Chevy Chase" is a code phrase that means, "You have too much
leisure time."
%%
"WALK" means "Run for your life."
%%
"You can't fight City Hall," is the biggest piece of propaganda City Hall ever
put out.
%%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
$3,000,000
%%
%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
%%
'C' combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of
    assembly language
%%
'JUST A ROBOT?!'  How would you like it if I called you `Just a Jew?'
%%
'Where the hell's my cookie?!' WHAM!
%%
(1)  Everything depends.
(2)  Nothing is always.
(3)  Everything is sometimes.
%%
- If you owe the bank $10 thousand you're in trouble.
- If you owe the bank $10 million, the bank is in trouble.
- If you owe the bank $15 billion, the taxpayers are in trouble.
%%
--
If you want something said, you ask a man,
and if you want something done, you ask a woman.
		-- Margaret Thatcher
%%
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
%%
... And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man
		-- A. E. Housman
%%
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
%%
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you
would not have been informed.
%%
... I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'M
fishing.
%%
... I got the blackbelt, you got the gun
    let's team up tonight, and have some fun...
%%
... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
... I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and
concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our
family, the Hominidae.
		-- Richard Leakey
%%
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
KOSHER DELI!!
%%
... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
legally ... impeccable!
%%
... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
%%
... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *DID* quote anybody in this
business, it probably would be gibberish.
		-- Thom McLeod
%%
... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
products,if they are built at all, are dogs!
		-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
%%
... all the modern inconveniences ...
		-- Mark Twain
%%
... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
%%
... and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
courtesy detail.
%%
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
		-- J. B. White
%%
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
%%
... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
this would be a better world.
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%%
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is
not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
		-- Stephen Crane
%%
... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
		-- Sidney Hook
%%
... it's people like you what cause unrest.
%%
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
%%
... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
		-- Dave Barry
%%
... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
charity we can only call "inhuman."
		-- R. A. Lafferty
%%
... there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is
the practice of truth.
		-- George Jacob Holyoake
%%
... this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
		-- The Firesign Theater
%%
... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
   from beginning to end.
		-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
%%
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has
been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
		-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
... while heroes ... heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity!  Thus are
legends born!
%%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%%
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
%%
/usr/news/gotcha
%%
1 bulls, 3 cows
%%
1.79e12 furlongs per fortnight -- It's not just a good idea, it's the law
%%
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%%
186,282 miles per second:

It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
%%
2 + 2 = 5, for moderately large values of two
%%
23. ...  r-q1
%%
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
%%
40 years it's the age when you feel yourself young. But it's too late.
%%
43rd Law of Computing:
	Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
	Redwood Forest.
%%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
%%
8 of each 10 use ball-pen to write with.  What do the other two do with
ball-pens ???
%%
87% of all statistics are made up.
%%
99% responsibility does not work.
%%
: is not an identifier
%%
:FATAL ERROR -- ILLEGAL ERROR
%%
:FATAL ERROR VECTOR OUT OF HILBERT SPACE
%%
:FATAL ERROR YOU ARE OUT OF VECTOR SPACE
%%
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
		-- Mahatma Ghandi
%%
A CONS is an object which cares.
		-- Bernie Greenberg.
%%
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
		-- Thomas Ybarra
%%
A Cold is both positive and negative; sometimes the eyes have it, sometimes
the nose.
%%
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
%%
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
exceptional ability in that particular field."
%%
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police.
		-- Mr. Dooley
%%
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
%%
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
%%
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
wrong with a high sense of consistency.
		-- J. K. Galbraith
%%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
having fun.
%%
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater.
%%
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
%%
A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
	-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
%%
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%%
A bachelor is a a man who never makes the same mistake once.
%%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
		-- Don Quinn
%%
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
%%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
A beautiful woman is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
%%
A beer delayed is a beer denied.
%%
A beer in need is a beer indeed.
%%
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances
are correct.
		-- from "Manual of Maud'Dib" by the Princess Irulan
%%
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money.
		-- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
%%
A bird does not sing because it has an answer...
it sings because it has a song.
		-- Ancient Chinese proverb
%%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
%%
A bird in the hand is worth ten in the bush.
%%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
%%
A body can work up a mean, mean thirst after a day of doing nothing.
%%
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about
yourself.
%%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
%%
A bound record of data is essential.  It indicates that you have been working.
%%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
%%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor
to protect them from each other.
%%
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than
expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
%%
A cat killer?  Is that a face of a cat killer?	Cat CHASER, maybe.
But hey -- who isn't?"
%%
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
%%
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
%%
A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5.
%%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
%%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
		-- Bill Vaughan
%%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
		-- Herbert Prochnow
%%
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
%%
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to
read.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
%%
A college is a place where some people some pursue learning while others learn
pursuing.
%%
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth
		-- R. Stallman
%%
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
%%
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
%%
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
%%
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
%%
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
		-- Dyer
%%
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
		-- Ben Franklin
%%
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%%
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
%%
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
%%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%%
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never
remembers her age.
%%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
%%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
will look forward to the trip.
%%
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
%%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
A feature is a bug with seniority.
%%
A fellow we know has a broken arm he received in fighting for a woman's
honour. It seems she wanted to keep it.
%%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%%
A fool knows everything and nothing
%%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%%
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.
%%
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
		-- Samuel Johnson or Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
		-- D. Gries
%%
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
		-- Joe E. Louis
%%
A friend is someone who knows everything about you but still loves you.
%%
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
%%
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
%%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
%%
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
%%
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
		-- John Ciardi
%%
A good workman is known by his tools.
%%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices.
		-- William James
%%
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
%%
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never
%%
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
%%
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
%%
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
%%
A hard man is good to find.
%%
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity
%%
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.
%%
A hospital is no place to be sick.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn.
%%
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
%%
A hypochondriac believes that life is just a bed of neuroses.
%%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
%%
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
		-- H.L. Menchen
%%
A jury should decide a case the minute they are shown it, before the lawyers
have had a chance to mislead them
%%
A king's castle is his home.
%%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%%
A language is usually called mother tongue since the father seldom gets a
chance to use it.
%%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth
knowing.
%%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than
some that do.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work by being
declared to work.
		-- Anatol Holt
%%
A lecturer is a person who talks in other peoples sleep.
%%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a
communist.
%%
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry
		-- Bismarck
%%
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
		-- Saki (H.H.Munro)
%%
A little learning is a dang'rous thing
		-- Alexander Pope
%%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.  Buy the negatives at any price.
%%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I believe
everything positively stinks.
		-- Lew Col
%%
A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
		-- Steve Wright
%%
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
%%
A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.
		-- Arthur Schoperhauer
%%
A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the dirt and
beg for it.
		-- Jack Handey
%%
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
%%
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
%%
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
%%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%%
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
%%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of
obligation."
		-- Stephen Crane
%%
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
%%
A man who hates dogs and small children can't be all bad!
%%
A man who thinks marriage is a 50-50 proposition either doesn't understand women
or doesn't know fractions.
%%
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
%%
A man will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one wife who
can't cook and will.
%%
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
%%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%%
A man's best friend is his dogma.
%%
A man's house is his hassle.
%%
A masochist is a person who likes a cold shower in the morning, so he takes a
hot one.
		-- Dave Barry
%%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
%%
A mathematician is somebody who can do multiplication without a calculator...
%%
A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
%%
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start, and even
prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
		-- Leibnitz
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with.
%%
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste
%%
A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, but a waist is a terrible thing
to mind.
%%
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
%%
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind
%%
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination.
%%
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
%%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Phyllis Schlafly
%%
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%%
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
%%
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
%%
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%%
A penny for your thoughts? - A dollar for your death.
%%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%%
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
%%
A person is not rewarded for having brains, only for using them.
%%
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
%%
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is
never sure.
%%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
		-- George Wald
%%
A pig on a mountain sees more than a wise man with a paper bag over his head
%%
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
%%
A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
%%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%%
A proud graduate of "Bob's School of Quantum Mechanics"
%%
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife
will give you for free.
%%
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation.
		-- Colton
%%
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle
unless there be two.
		-- Seneca
%%
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
		-- Steel City News
%%
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
up with yesterday.
%%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the
system works.
%%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything
... a good reason and the real reason.
%%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ...
%%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
		-- Ramsey Clark
%%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%%
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
%%
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing.
		-- Samuel Butler
%%
A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mink like a steel trap
%%
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
		-- Prof. Steiner
%%
A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the one-dollar bills from flying out
of a cash register drawer.
%%
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
%%
A smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
%%
A soft drink turneth away company.
%%
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was
waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%%
A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:
"When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here."
%%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
		-- O'Henry
%%
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
		-- Daniel Webster
%%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
		-- S. C. Johnson
%%
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine bottle.
%%
A thrill a day keeps the chills away.
%%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
first.
%%
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
%%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
		-- John Ciardi
%%
A user is never to be assumed to be in his right mind.
%%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces
it with.
		-- Tenessee Williams
%%
A verbal contract is'nt worth the paper its printed on.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
%%
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
%%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting
nervous.
%%
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a
mountain top.
%%
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
%%
A witty saying proves nothing.
		-- Voltaire
%%
A woman forgives only when she is in the wrong.
%%
A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers.
		--- Blind Lemon Pledge
%%
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
%%
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't
%%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
A woman's place is in the mall.
%%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
%%
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
%%
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
%%
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
%%
ALT ALT to you too!
%%
AMERICA'S CUP FACT:
	Most of the people obsessed with the America's cup are trendy jerks
	who hadn't even heard of it a year ago.
		-- Dennis Miller
%%
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of
the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
coding bums.
%%
APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I can't read
any of them.
		-- Roy Keir
%%
ARPA is unenthusiastic about your work.
%%
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
%%
ASK ME  I'm shy
%%
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
%%
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
%%
About fashion; There shall be little change in men's pockets this year.
%%
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
%%
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of
the plain people is the stork.
%%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
		-- Herbert Hoover
%%
Above all things, reverence yourself.
%%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%%
Absent-minded nurse is one who makes patient without disturbing bed.
%%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%%
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
%%
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
		-- Wallace Sayre
%%
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion,
Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science.
		-- Gary Zukav from The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
%%
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a
year.
%%
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
%%
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came
in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
		-- David Letterman
%%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
%%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
	(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.	If he
	    looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
	(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
	    -- the chicken or the egg.	It was undoubtedly the
	    rooster.
%%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%%
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
%%
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
%%
Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
%%
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
%%
Actresses will happen in the best-regulated families.
%%
Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist.
		-- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie
%%
Adapt.	Enjoy.	Survive.
%%
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.
[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
		-- OVID
%%
Admit it! You have no idea who I am!
%%
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...
		--- Gilda Radner
%%
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
		-- H.L. Menchen
%%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
		-- Sinclair Lewis
%%
Advertisment from British Airways:  "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York
and luggage in Berlin"
%%
Affirmative Action is mediocrity's answer to Darwin.
%%
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.
		-- Freeman Dyson
%%
After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
cost to others, to win advancement."
		-- Norman Thomas
%%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%%
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
%%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%%
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.
%%
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
everything.  Just in case.
%%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
%%
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
%%
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
%%
Against Stupidity, The Gods Themselves Contend in Vain.
		-- Asimov
%%
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
%%
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
%%
Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
%%
Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
there's the rub.

For all dreams are not equal,
some exit to nightmare
most end with the dreamer

But at least one must be lived ... and died.
%%
Ah, so soon they forget...
%%
Aha!  Pronoun trouble!
%%
Ahead warp factor 1
		-- Captain Kirk
%%
Air is water with holes in it
%%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
		-- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
%%
Alcohol is not a problem, until you can't get any.
%%
Alcoholism is not a disease, it's a goal.
%%
Alex Haley was adopted!
%%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
%%
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
%%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
		-- Peggy Joyce
%%
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
without thinking.
%%
All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact,
barely presentable.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%%
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
%%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%%
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
%%
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
%%
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
		-- Kingfish
%%
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
All I want to do is read ONE good comic book before I go COMPLETELY blind!
%%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place
to shift.
%%
All airline pilots sound like Johnny Cash.
%%
All ballpoint pens are lost before they run out of ink.
%%
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.
		-- Alan Truscott
%%
All cats are grey in the dark.
%%
All dentists must hum a medley of Barry Manilow tunes during root canal work.
%%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%%
All flesh is grass
		-- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
%%
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
%%
All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
%%
All mailwomen have perfect posture.
%%
All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
Socrates.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
All men look like geeks for a period of 72 hours following a haircut.
%%
All my friends and I are crazy.	 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
%%
All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that
I should have been more specific.
%%
All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
		-- Jane Wagner
%%
All obvious theorems are true.
        - Pommersheim's Principle
All true theorems are obvious.
        - Keane's Kriterion
%%
All of God's children are noit beautiful. Most of God's children are,
in fact, barely presentable.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%%
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life
is to enjoy it.
%%
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
		-- Vic Gold
%%
All power corrupts, but we need electricity
		-- D. W. Jones
%%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%%
All programmers want arrays!
%%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
every organism to live beyond its income.
		-- Samuel Butler
%%
All red-haired guys are good golfers.
%%
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
%%
All roads lead to Amber
%%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
		-- E. Rutherford
%%
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
hands.
		-- Saint Patrick
%%
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
%%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%%
All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.
		-- Edgar Allan Poe
%%
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
ridiculous ones.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%%
All the soil will be fruitful beyond man's needs;
and human beings shall fornicate unceasingly.
		-- The Prophecies of Merlin, Geoffrey of Monmouth
%%
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
		-- Jim Fiebig
%%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
		-- Sean O'Casey
%%
All these black people are screwing up my democracy.
		-- Ian Smith
%%
All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
%%
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative
%%
All this and brains too.
%%
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
%%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%%
All unhappiness is caused by COMPARISON.
%%
All vacations and holiday's create problems, except for ones own.
%%
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
		-- Francois Fenelon
%%
All women are beautiful, some are just less beautiful than others.
%%
All women named Jennifer have perfect teeth.
%%
Almost anything derogatory you could say about todays's software design
would be accurate.
		-- Kenneth E.  Iverson
%%
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
		-- Dave Barry
%%
Always acknowledge a fault.  This will throw those in authority off their
guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
%%
Always do what you are afraid to do.
		-- Emerson
%%
Always draw your curves;  then plot the readings.
%%
Always feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's the best they're going to feel all day.
%%
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
%%
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
%%
Always wear underwear.
%%
Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
%%
Amateur Time Lord
%%
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
%%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
		-- Charlie McCarthy
%%
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
%%
Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.
%%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
%%
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
%%
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
		-- John O'Hara
%%
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
changed its name to "America".
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man.
[outdated]
%%
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
		-- Allen Ginsberg
%%
Americans love a winner... and WILL NOT TOLERATE a loser
%%
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
%%
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to
whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
%%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%%
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
		-- A. P. Herbert
%%
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
		-- James Michener, "Space"
%%
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
		-- David Letterman
%%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%%
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
%%
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
%%
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.
%%
An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really
care to know.
%%
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehesable truth.
%%
An economist is a chap who, when asked for his social security number,
ives an estimate.
%%
An economist, incidentally, is a chap who, when asked for his social security
number, gives an estimate.
		-- K.M. Reese
%%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%%
An egotist is a person of low taste -- more interested in himself than in me.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
%%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%%
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
%%
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
%%
An expert is someone from out of town.
%%
An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind.
%%
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
%%
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these
eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
possible.
		-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
%%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%%
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself
		-- Albert Camus
%%
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
		-- Rene Magritte
%%
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
%%
An ounce of security is worth a pound of defense.
%%
An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
%%
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
%%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
%%
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
%%
And I'm a respected psychiatrist!
%%
And from the University of Bath...
"A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number
 in both. "
%%
And if you've just tuned in, we're talking about the red-hot,
tight-buttocked, hairy host of Hell.
		-- The Church Lady.
%%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%%
And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.
%%
And they told us, what they wanted...
Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance.
		-- Kate Bush
%%
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that
cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I
have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread
therewith.
[Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)]
%%
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%%
Anger is one letter short of danger.
%%
Angular momentum makes the world go round.
%%
Ankh if you love Isis.
%%
Annnywaaay. Bullets don't kill people, guns don't either, the mafia does.
%%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
		-- Charles McCabe
%%
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
		-- Aesop
%%
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
whole week.
%%
Any fool can condemn criticize and complain, and most fools do.
%%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
%%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
sell it.
%%
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how
to lie well.
%%
Any opposing views may simply go to hell.
%%
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.  Climb the mountain
just a little to test it's a mountain.	From the top of the
mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
		-- Bene Gesserit proverb
%%
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
%%
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
exactly the point of most pressure.
		-- Milt Barber
%%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
		-- Rich Kulawiec
%%
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
%%
Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable.
%%
Any system that takes responsibility away from people, dehumanizes them.
%%
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably
parked.
%%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
%%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing at the moment.
		-- Robert Benchley
%%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to
be doing.
%%
Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
		-- John Williamson
%%
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%%
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
%%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on.
%%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.
		-- Robin Hood
%%
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
		-- Emmett Grogan
%%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%%
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
%%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the price went
up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went
way up.
%%
Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed
down.
%%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
%%
Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.
%%
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
%%
Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%%
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
%%
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
%%
Are we having fun yet?
%%
Are we not men?
%%
Are you a turtle?
%%
Are you bored? -Abuse your patio furniture.
%%
Are you bored? -Annoy yourself.
%%
Are you bored? -Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
%%
Are you bored? -Ask stupid questions.
%%
Are you bored? -Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.
%%
Are you bored? -Be a side effect.
%%
Are you bored? -Be a square root.
%%
Are you bored? -Be a threat to the American way of life.
%%
Are you bored? -Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.
%%
Are you bored? -Be cherubic.
%%
Are you bored? -Be in the wrong place at the right time.
%%
Are you bored? -Be number six.
%%
Are you bored? -Be someone special.
%%
Are you bored? -Boil ice cream.
%%
Are you bored? -Boldly go where no man has gone before.
%%
Are you bored? -Braid your dogs hair.
%%
Are you bored? -Buff your cat.
%%
Are you bored? -Build a pyramid.
%%
Are you bored? -Bury your fathers Nissan.  Tell him the dog did it.
%%
Are you bored? -Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.  Mail it to a friend.
%%
Are you bored? -Calmly have a nervous breakdown.
%%
Are you bored? -Carry a tune.  Drop it to see if it breaks.
%%
Are you bored? -Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
%%
Are you bored? -Catch a falling star.  Throw it back.
%%
Are you bored? -Cause a power failure.
%%
Are you bored? -Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
%%
Are you bored? -Change your mind, then change it back.
%%
Are you bored? -Change your name...daily.
%%
Are you bored? -Clean and polish your belly button.
%%
Are you bored? -Climb a sidewalk.
%%
Are you bored? -Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
%%
Are you bored? -Contemplate a cockroach.
%%
Are you bored? -Contribute to the population problem.
%%
Are you bored? -Converse...with a flatworm.
%%
Are you bored? -Corner the market on Agnew in '76 buttons.
%%
Are you bored? -Count to a million...fast.
%%
Are you bored? -Crawl.
%%
Are you bored? -Crumple.
%%
Are you bored? -Cut the deck.
%%
Are you bored? -Debate politics with a fern.  If you lose, stop watering it.
%%
Are you bored? -Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.  Do a         good job.
%%
Are you bored? -Develope a complex.
%%
Are you bored? -Dial 911...breathe heavily.
%%
Are you bored? -Do aerobics...in your head.
%%
Are you bored? -Donate your brother's body to science.
%%
Are you bored? -Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your        grandmother.
%%
Are you bored? -Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
%%
Are you bored? -Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does         land on all four feet.
%%
Are you bored? -Duck.
%%
Are you bored? -Exercise a ghost.
%%
Are you bored? -Exist...existentially of course.
%%
Are you bored? -Factor your social security number.
%%
Are you bored? -Find a witch and burn her.
%%
Are you bored? -Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.
%%
Are you bored? -Find out where all these cylinders graduated from.
%%
Are you bored? -Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.
%%
Are you bored? -Flash your goldfish.
%%
Are you bored? -Flirt with an evergreen.
%%
Are you bored? -Fly a brick.
%%
Are you bored? -Form a political party.
%%
Are you bored? -Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.
%%
Are you bored? -Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.
%%
Are you bored? -Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)
%%
Are you bored? -Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.
%%
Are you bored? -Free the oppressed toaster-ovens of America.
%%
Are you bored? -Genuflect to Larwence Welk.
%%
Are you bored? -Get a college education.
%%
Are you bored? -Get a dog to chase your car.  Let him catch it.
%%
Are you bored? -Get angry with yourself.  Kiss and make-up.
%%
Are you bored? -Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.
%%
Are you bored? -Give a lecture tour on the historical significance of             cream cheese.
%%
Are you bored? -Give your cat a mohawk.
%%
Are you bored? -Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.
%%
Are you bored? -Give your goldfish a perm.
%%
Are you bored? -Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.
%%
Are you bored? -Go back to square one.
%%
Are you bored? -Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
%%
Are you bored? -Go bowling...for small game.
%%
Are you bored? -Go for a walk...in the attic.
%%
Are you bored? -Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people.
%%
Are you bored? -Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
%%
Are you bored? -Go to a funeral...tell jokes.
%%
Are you bored? -Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.
%%
Are you bored? -Harness chipmunk power.
%%
Are you bored? -Have a proton fight.
%%
Are you bored? -Have your car painted plaid.
%%
Are you bored? -Have your cat bronzed.
%%
Are you bored? -Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.  Hang it          on the wall in your office.
%%
Are you bored? -Hit the deck.
%%
Are you bored? -Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
%%
Are you bored? -Install handicapped access to the Pittsburgh Pirate's dugout.
%%
Are you bored? -Interview a cloud.
%%
Are you bored? -Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you took the        heat capacity of the first one)
%%
Are you bored? -Join Hell's Angels by mail.
%%
Are you bored? -Join the Army...be someone simple.
%%
Are you bored? -Join the Foreign Legion.
%%
Are you bored? -Jump back.
%%
Are you bored? -Kick a cabbage.
%%
Are you bored? -Kickstart your TV.
%%
Are you bored? -Kickstop your TV.
%%
Are you bored? -Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
%%
Are you bored? -Knight yourself and some close friends.
%%
Are you bored? -Learn Greek.
%%
Are you bored? -Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.
%%
Are you bored? -Learn to read Sanskrit.
%%
Are you bored? -Learn to type with your toes.
%%
Are you bored? -Learn to write Sanskrit.
%%
Are you bored? -Listen to a painting.
%%
Are you bored? -Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.
%%
Are you bored? -MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.
%%
Are you bored? -Mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler magazine.
%%
Are you bored? -Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.
%%
Are you bored? -Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of        grape jello.
%%
Are you bored? -Make a list of things to do when bored.
%%
Are you bored? -Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
%%
Are you bored? -Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
%%
Are you bored? -Mow your carpet.
%%
Are you bored? -Mug a stop sign.
%%
Are you bored? -Paint a smile.
%%
Are you bored? -Paint stripes on a lake.
%%
Are you bored? -Paint your home...day-glo orange.
%%
Are you bored? -Paint your teeth.
%%
Are you bored? -Paint your windows.
%%
Are you bored? -Park your car...with a friend.
%%
Are you bored? -Park your car...with a group of friends.
%%
Are you bored? -Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
%%
Are you bored? -Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.
%%
Are you bored? -Pinstripe your driveway.
%%
Are you bored? -Place your cat in hyper-space.  Tell your dad the dog did it.
%%
Are you bored? -Plant a shoe.
%%
Are you bored? -Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."
%%
Are you bored? -Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
%%
Are you bored? -Play Pat Boone records backwards.
%%
Are you bored? -Play cards with your swimming pool.
%%
Are you bored? -Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.
%%
Are you bored? -Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation.
%%
Are you bored? -Play solitaire...for cash.
%%
Are you bored? -Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
%%
Are you bored? -Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.
%%
Are you bored? -Play to lose.
%%
Are you bored? -Play with matches.
%%
Are you bored? -Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
%%
Are you bored? -Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
%%
Are you bored? -Print counterfeit Confederate money.
%%
Are you bored? -Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
%%
Are you bored? -Purr.
%%
Are you bored? -Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
%%
Are you bored? -Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
%%
Are you bored? -Put out a fire.  (If you can't find one make one.)
%%
Are you bored? -Quiver.
%%
Are you bored? -Race turnips.
%%
Are you bored? -Raise professional racing ferrets.
%%
Are you bored? -Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
%%
Are you bored? -Re-elect Richard Nixon.
%%
Are you bored? -Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.
%%
Are you bored? -Read Homer in the original Greek.
%%
Are you bored? -Read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're              REALLY bored.
%%
Are you bored? -Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.
%%
Are you bored? -Rearrange political campaign signs.
%%
Are you bored? -Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
%%
Are you bored? -Redecorate your garage.
%%
Are you bored? -Regress.
%%
Are you bored? -Request covert assistance from the CIA.
%%
Are you bored? -Revert.
%%
Are you bored? -Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.
%%
Are you bored? -Ride a loaf of bread.
%%
Are you bored? -Rotate your garden...daily.
%%
Are you bored? -Run around in squares.
%%
Are you bored? -Sand a mushroom.
%%
Are you bored? -Scalp a VW.
%%
Are you bored? -Scare Steven King.
%%
Are you bored? -Scheme.
%%
Are you bored? -Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.
%%
Are you bored? -See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
%%
Are you bored? -Send the President an alarm clock...wind it up first.
%%
Are you bored? -Send your goldfish to obedience school.
%%
Are you bored? -Sharpen your sleeping skills.
%%
Are you bored? -Sharpen your teeth.
%%
Are you bored? -Shave a shrub.
%%
Are you bored? -Shoot at a fire hydrant, then apologize to it.
%%
Are you bored? -Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
%%
Are you bored? -Sit.  Stay.  Roll over.  Play dead.
%%
Are you bored? -Ski Kansas.
%%
Are you bored? -Skydive...to church.
%%
Are you bored? -Sleep on a bed of nails.
%%
Are you bored? -Smile.
%%
Are you bored? -Solve the population problem.  i.e. x + 2y - 16x =                population; solve for x.
%%
Are you bored? -Speak in acronyms.
%%
Are you bored? -Speak with a forked tongue.
%%
Are you bored? -Spew.
%%
Are you bored? -Sprinkle your family room.
%%
Are you bored? -Stand on someone else's head.
%%
Are you bored? -Stand on your head.
%%
Are you bored? -Staple.
%%
Are you bored? -Starch your shoes.
%%
Are you bored? -Start.
%%
Are you bored? -Sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels.
%%
Are you bored? -Stop speaking to yourself.
%%
Are you bored? -Stop.
%%
Are you bored? -Surf Ohio.
%%
Are you bored? -Sweat.
%%
Are you bored? -Take a picture.  Then put it back.
%%
Are you bored? -Take apart all your major kitchen appliances, and mix and         match the parts.
%%
Are you bored? -Take the fifth.
%%
Are you bored? -Take the sixth.
%%
Are you bored? -Take your sofa for a walk.
%%
Are you bored? -Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
%%
Are you bored? -Think shallow thoughts.
%%
Are you bored? -Throw a political party.
%%
Are you bored? -Translate Shakespeare into English.
%%
Are you bored? -Tree a goldfish.
%%
Are you bored? -Try harder.
%%
Are you bored? -Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
%%
Are you bored? -Wash a tree.
%%
Are you bored? -Watch a car rust.
%%
Are you bored? -Watch the sun...see if it moves.
%%
Are you bored? -Water your dog...see if he grows.
%%
Are you bored? -Wax the ceiling.
%%
Are you bored? -Wear a bowler...hat, stupid.
%%
Are you bored? -Wear a salad.
%%
Are you bored? -Whine.
%%
Are you bored? -Wonder.
%%
Are you bored? -Wriggle.
%%
Are you bored? -Write a book about a previous life.
%%
Are you bored? -Write a letter to Plato and mail it.
%%
Are you making this up as you go along?
%%
Are you stoned or just stupid?
%%
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
		-- Mickey Mouse
%%
Around here, progress is made on alternate Tuesdays.
%%
Art is anything you can get away with.
		-- Marshall McLuhan.
%%
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
		-- Paul Gauguin
%%
Artificial Intelligence
%%
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
%%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."
%%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%%
As a general rule, never make gross generalisations.
%%
As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
%%
As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
%%
As engineers, we try to provide for the future, but our crystal balls are
notoriouly cloudy and our ability to predict market trends is marginal at best.
%%
As famous as the unknown soldier.
%%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
		-- Weisert
%%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
As near as I can tell you're not any crazier than the average asshole on the
street
		-- Ken Kesey via R.  P.	 McMurphy
		   "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
%%
As of next Friday, you will be flushed in favor of CONNIVER.  Please go away.
%%
As of next Thursday, TOPS-10 will be flushed in favor of TENEX.	 Please
update your programs.
%%
As of next Wednesday, CLU will be flushed in favor of SNOBOL.  Please
update your programs.
%%
As of next tuesday, SAIL will be flushed in favor of COBOL.  Please
update your programs.
%%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%%
As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
		--- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
		    computer system.
%%
As soon as you cannot keep anything from a woman, you love her.
%%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%%
As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull
your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all
over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the
spider is suing you for damages.
%%
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
%%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must.
%%
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station
rate.
%%
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
%%
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Ask me if I care.
%%
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
%%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub, it
tolls for thee.
%%
Ask not how your country can screw you...
%%
Ask not what your country can do for you...  it probably can't afford it.
%%
Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an
answer.
%%
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
and dying broke.
		-- Stanley Walker
%%
Assume nothing.
%%
Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles
		-- Pat Paulsen
%%
Astronauts are out to launch.
%%
Astronauts get missile-toe.
%%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
		-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
%%
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
%%
At all times there must be at least 12 men named Johnson in the NBA.
%%
At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
		-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
%%
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
		-- Barry Bruce-Briggs
%%
At least 75 times in your life, someone will tell you that something is
"for your own good."  It will never be for your own good.
%%
At least once in your life, you will step in a substance so hideous that
you will have to throw out your shoes.
%%
At least once in your life, you'll miss a belt loop at the back, and no
one will tell you about it.
%%
At least they're EXERIENCED incompetents
%%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.
		-- Marshall Lumsden
%%
At some point in your life, you will meet someone who saw Wayne Newton
in Las Vegas.
%%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
%%
At work, the authority of a person is inversly proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
%%
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
%%
Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in
purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the
old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth.
		-- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%%
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.
%%
Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
		-- Plato (427?-347 B.C.)
%%
Auribus teneo lupum.  (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
%%
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
depths they were once able to plumb.
		-- Stanley Kaufman
%%
Automobile:  A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
%%
Avenge yourself, live long enough to be a problem to your children.
%%
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
%%
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%%
Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
%%
Avoid temporary variables.
%%
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF.
%%
Avoid unnecessary branches.
%%
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.
%%
BLISS is ignorance
%%
BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH!
%%
Baby...
		-- The Late Elvis Presley.
%%
Bacons not the only thing
That's cured by hanging from a string.
%%
Badges?	 We don't need no stinking badges.
%%
Baloney is flattery so thick it cannot be true;
Blarney is flattery so thin we like it.
		-- Bishop Fulton J.Sheen
%%
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
%%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%%
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
floor -- especially in the dark.
%%
Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
		-- Will Rogers
%%
Basic is a high level languish.
%%
Basic is a high level languish.
APL is a high level anguish.
%%
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
%%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
%%
Be alert. Your country needs lerts.
%%
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
%%
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
%%
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
%%
Be careful!  Is it classified?
%%
Be different, act normal.
%%
Be different: conform.
%%
Be firm, fly low and stay cool....
%%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so get used
to it.
%%
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
%%
Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
%%
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
%%
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
%%
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Be yourself--it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it
%%
Beam me up, Scotty, the elevators don't work
%%
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life here
%%
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
%%
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%%
Been Transferred Lately?
%%
Bees are very busy souls
They have no time for birth controls
And that is why in times like these
There are so many Sons of Bees.
%%
Before I wrote here, this was empty space.
%%
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%%
Before reaching the age of 30, you will have experienced the joy of
spraining an ankle, the wonder of unemployment, the thrill of partial hair
loss and the ecstasy of unrequitted love.
%%
Before start talking, check if brain is correctly plugged on.
%%
Before you can break out of prison, you must first realize you're locked up.
%%
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
%%
Begin the day with a smile, then it is over.
%%
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
%%
Behind every successful man, is a very surprised woman.
%%
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
%%
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
%%
Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry! <huff, huff>
%%
Being normal is driving me crazy.
%%
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
%%
Being sexy is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
%%
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin.
		-- Ralph Nader
%%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%%
Benson's Dogma:
	ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
%%
Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence
		-- Time Bandits
%%
Better dead than mellow.
%%
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
%%
Better living through alchemy.
%%
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.
%%
Between grand theft and a legal fee,
there only stands a law degree.
%%
Between two evils I always pick the one I haven't tried before.
		-- Mae West.
%%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
		-- Leonard Brandwein
%%
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
%%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%%
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
		-- Thoreau
%%
Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
%%
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
		-- Donald Knuth
%%
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
%%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%%
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under
pressure.
%%
Beware of the Quantum Ducks   Quark! Quark! Quark!
%%
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of
interest is easy.
%%
Beware of the wichting hour !
(It's when you get home in the early hours of the morning and your wife
 greets you with "Well, which story is it this time?")
%%
Beware the new TTY code!
%%
Beware!  Your brain may no longer be the boss.
%%
Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.
		-- Stanislaw Lec
%%
Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
%%
Bill the Cat Fan Club
%%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
%%
Biology grows on you.
%%
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as
division.
%%
Bird in hand is not as good as girl in bush.
%%
Birdie birdie nam nam.
%%
Birth, copulation and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
Birth, copulation and death.
		-- T. S. Elliot, Sweeney Agonistes (1932)
%%
Birthdays are like cheap underwear, they both tend to creep up on you.
%%
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
%%
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
%%
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
%%
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
		-- Herbert Hoover
%%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
%%
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
%%
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
%%
Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier
%%
Blore's Razor:  Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
		funnier.
%%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
throwing up on them.
%%
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people
%%
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
seemed to come from Texas.
		-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
%%
Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
%%
Born to shop.
%%
Boy -- LOOKIT DEM GUNS!
%%
Boy who know love from A to Z, always make girl say: OH!
%%
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
%%
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
		-- James Thurber
%%
Boys marry virgins... men marry women!
%%
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%%
Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the
unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend
to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
		-- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
		   Style"
%%
Brain fried -- Core dumped
%%
Break a few rules.
%%
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
%%
Bright-eyed little boys do not catch foul balls.  Pudgy half-drunk adults
wearing baseball gloves catch foul balls.
%%
Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them.
%%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
%%
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
%%
Brother against brother! ... Friend against friend!! DENTIST against DENTIST!!!
%%
Brought to by the Society for the Extinction of Rainbows.
%%
Buerocrats do not change the course of the ship of state.  They
merely adjust the compass.
%%
Built for comfort, not for speed
%%
Bullshit Detector.  When alarm sounds,	please re-engage your brain.
%%
Bumper sticker:

"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"
%%
Bumper sticker:  I'd rather be teleporting.
%%
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise
%%
Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
		-- Ken Weaver
%%
Burroughs programmers have to pay a Poll tax.
%%
Bury me deep. The next generations will be hungry.
%%
Business will be either better or worse.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%%
But I don't like Spam!!!!
%%
But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws.
%%
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the
best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
		-- Leslie Stephen "Sketches from Cambridge"
%%
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
%%
But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
		-- Virginia Masters (of M&J fame)
%%
But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?
%%
By calling this number you have triggered a relay that will blow up
your phone.
%%
By definition, when you are investigating the unknown, you do not know
what you will find or even when you have found it.
%%
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
%%
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)
		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
		   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
		   (to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
		   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?")
%%
By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I mean.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be
a boss and work twelve hours a day
%%
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
%%
COBOL programmers are down in the dumps.
%%
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
%%
CRISIS erased the mistakes of the last 50 years. It's up to us to make the
mistakes for the NEXT 50 years.
		-- Marvel Wolfman
%%
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
		-- Fred Allen
%%
California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
		-- Indian proverb
%%
Call out the vice squad!  Someone's mounting a disk drive!
%%
Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
%%
Calling for help won't do any good! We have taken over your town
today, and tomorrow we'll take over your world!
%%
Calm down;   It's only ones and zeros
%%
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%%
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%%
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu   It found me
%%
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.
		-- M. M. Johnston
%%
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
%%
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?  Yes, work never begun.
%%
Can you program?  "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"
%%
Can't open /usr/lib/fortunes.
%%
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
%%
Cannot fork -- try again.
%%
Cannot open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.
%%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.
%%
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.
%%
Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
		-- The Beach Boys
%%
Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
		-- Howard Chaykin
%%
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Caution:  Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%%
Caution:  Contents under pressure
%%
Caution:  Hungry Dieter  May bite if provoked
%%
Caution:  I know Karate (And a few other Oriental words)
%%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
%%
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
		-- Kelvin Throop III
%%
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
%%
Center meeting at 4 pm in 2C-543
%%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny
	-- Did you ever try buying then without money?
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
Certified Public Assassin
%%
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
%%
Chaos is King, and Magic is loose in the world
%%
Chaotic Amorals have more fun
%%
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry
%%
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
%%
Chaste makes waste.
%%
Chastity is its own punisment.
But it can be cured.
Give till it hurts
%%
Chem E's make the best heat exchangers
%%
Chemists really know their bismuth.
%%
Chess players make better lovers, we know more mating positions.
%%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
	headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
%%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
	for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver
	will cheerfully baste you.
		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
%%
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
%%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%%
Chicken Little was right.
%%
Children are natural copycats - they imitate their parents in spite of all
efforts to teach them to behave properly.
%%
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%%
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.	Rarely,
if ever, do they forgive them.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
%%
Children should be seen, not heard.
%%
Children today are tyrants.  They contradict their parents, gobble their
food, and tyrannize their teachers.
		-- Socrates(470-399 B.C.)
%%
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
%%
Chivalry, Schmivalry!
	Roger the thief has a
	method he uses for
	sneaky attacks:
Folks who are reading are
	Characteristically
	Always Forgetting to
	Guard their own bac ...
%%
Choose variable names that won't be confused.
%%
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
difficult and not tried.
		-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
Christmas comes once a year.  You can come more often but you'll have
to clean up the mess.
%%
Cigarettes are the main reason for statistics.
%%
Civilisation advances by extending the number of important operations
we can do without thinking about them.
%%
Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor.
		-- Toynbee
%%
Classified material requires proper storage.
%%
Clean mind, clean body...  Take your pick.
%%
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
		-- Phyllis Diller
%%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%%
Cleveland still lives.	God MUST be dead.
%%
Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day.
%%
Clones are people two.
%%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%%
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
%%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Coincidences are spiritual puns.
		-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
Coito ergo sum
%%
College is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
%%
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.
%%
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
		-- Hellen Keller
%%
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
%%
Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you.
		-- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution,
		   Firesign Theater
%%
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
%%
Comes the rude awakening, I'm going to beat the rude awakener silly.
%%
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
%%
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
		-- Clive James
%%
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
		-- Josh Billings
%%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.  Everyone
thinks he has enough.
		-- Descartes, 1637
%%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%%
Computers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but your operators.
%%
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
%%
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
%%
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
the world that just don't add up.
%%
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
than the estimate the job will cost.
%%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
		-- LaRouchefoucauld
%%
Concentrate on security.
%%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one
mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%%
Condense soup, not books!
%%
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
%%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
		-- Peter de Vries
%%
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
%%
Confidence is a feeling you get just before you fully understand the problem.
%%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
%%
Conform, go crazy, or become a writer
%%
Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!
		-- Ben Jonson
%%
Confucius say too much.
		-- Recent Chinese Proverb
%%
Confuscious say:
  "America good place to put Chinese restuarant."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Even greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "He who sit on upturned tack shall surely rise."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "He who sniffs Coke, drowns."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!"
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Man who run behind car get exhausted."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Man who stand on toilet get high on pot!"
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. "
%%
Confuscious say:
  "One who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "One who refuses to listen is lying."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "To make egg roll, push it."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Wash your face in the morning, neck at night."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate
length."
%%
Confuscious say:
  "Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy."
%%
Congratulations! You've just won an all-expensive-paid trip to the Arctic!
%%
Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process.
%%
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
%%
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
%%
Consciously or unconsiously, you alway get what you expect.
%%
Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
		-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
%%
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
%%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give
it back to them.
%%
Contact lenses, once they fall to the ground, disintegrate.
%%
Continental Life. Why do you ask?
%%
Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
%%
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.
%%
Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
make of capitalism.
		-- Walter Lippmann
%%
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
is to enforce the law and fight crime.
		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
%%
Could be you're crossing the fine line
A silly driver kind of...off the wall

You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
...eyes wide open when you start to fall.
		-- The Cars
%%
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
if you don't use your thumbs.

Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
if you are all thumbs.
%%
Courage is grace under pressure.
%%
Courage is your greatest present need.
%%
Cow who gets divorce got bum steer.
%%
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%%
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%%
Creative people all come in and want their stuff printed on gold leaf.
		-- Jim Shooter
%%
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
%%
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
%%
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
		-- A. E. Newman
%%
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it!
%%
Criticize the performance, and not the performers.
%%
Croll's Query:
	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
%%
Cultivate the habit of early rising.  It is unwise to keep the head long on a
level with the feet.
%%
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
%%
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
%%
Cybermats, why does it have to be cybermats?
%%
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
%%
DIVE, DIVE DIVE!!! UP PERISCOPE!!! Ooops sorry, wrong fantasy.
%%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
%%
Dain Bramaged.
%%
Dammit, man, that's unprofessional!  A good bartender laughs anyway!
%%
Damn, I'm good.
%%
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
%%
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
%%
Dead men are simple very cool.
%%
Deadly Ninja throwing button
%%
Dealing with failure is easy:    Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.
				 Work hard to improve.
%%
Dear Lord:
	I just want *ONE* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
	the other hand", again.
%%
Death here. Hold on, I'll be right with you!
%%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
		-- R. Geis
%%
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
%%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
%%
Death is only a state of mind.

Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%%
Death is the greatest kick of all.  That's why they save it for last.
%%
Death to all fanatics!
%%
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.
%%
Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before.


Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before.
%%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%%
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.
%%
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
		-- Senator Soaper
%%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
don't think.
%%
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
		-- Jawaharlal Nehru
%%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.
		-- E. B. White
%%
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve
to get it good and hard.
		-- H.L. Menchen
%%
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the
people.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board.
 Especially with  those 14 year-old Valley girls.
%%
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
%%
Department meeting in 3 minutes.
%%
Dependancy is slavery by mutual agreement.
%%
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
%%
Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - und das
nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
%%
Design flaws travel in groups.
%%
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the
last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.
		-- The Anarchist Cookbook
%%
Dick is out. Jane is out. Spot is out. This is their answering machine.
I am in. The beep is in. At the sound of the beep leave your name. At the
sound of the beep leave your message. <Beep!>
%%
Did I say 2?  I lied.
%%
Did you here about the Chinese girl who won the lottery?
She was one fortunate cookie...
%%
Did you know ...

That no-one ever reads these things?
%%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
%%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%%
Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
		-- John Barrymore's dying words
%%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%%
Different may mean the same.
%%
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
%%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%%
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
%%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%%
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
%%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%%
Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no
one else has thought.
		-- Albert Szent-Gyorgi
%%
Disk crisis, please clean up!
%%
Disk crunch - please clean up.
%%
Disregard the previous fortune.
%%
Ditat Deus.  (God enriches.)
%%
Divorces are final long before they go to court.
%%
Do NOT turn off cooling system unless the sun goes away or goes supernova!
%%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%%
Do it once, do it right, and maybe (!) she'll let you do it again.
%%
Do it only with the best.
%%
Do it today,
- Tomorrow it will be illegal.
%%
Do married women make the best wives?
%%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%%
Do something unusual today.  Accomplish work on the computer.
%%
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
%%
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
%%
Do unto others before they undo you.
%%
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%%
Do you cheat on your wife? asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%%
Do you have lysdexia?
%%
Do you know where your towel is?
%%
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
the time to take the dirt out of them?
%%
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together
if ever we had been married?
%%
Do your kids a favour - don't have any.
		-- Robert Orben
%%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
		-- Dick Brandon
%%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%%
Does the light really go off when you shut the door?
%%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%%
Doing business without advertisin is like winking to a girl in dark;
you know what you are doing, but nobody else does.
		-- Stephen Leacock
%%
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%%
Don't adjust your mind -- It is reality that is at fault.
%%
Don't ask me -- I have intermittent memory loss
%%
Don't ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth.
%%
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
%%
Don't be angry with me if I tell you the truth.
		-- Socrates
%%
Don't be angry with me if I tell you the truth.
		-- Socrates
Tell the Truth and run.
		-- Yugoslav proverb
%%
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
		-- Golda Meir
%%
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
%%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%%
Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%%
Don't blame me for your own stupidity!
%%
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
		-- Joe Cointment
%%
Don't clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
%%
Don't comment bad code-- rewrite it.
%%
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
%%
Don't condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own.
You may both be wrong.
%%
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
%%
Don't despair -- your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
%%
Don't diddle code to make it faster-- find a better algorithm.
%%
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
%%
Don't drink and drive, get all of your drinking done before you get
behind the wheel.
%%
Don't drink and drive, you might spill it.
%%
Don't drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
%%
Don't eat yellow snow.
		-- Frank Zappa
%%
Don't ever call me again!<click>
%%
Don't feed the bats tonight.
%%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%%
Don't gamble with security.
%%
Don't get caught with your pants down when the lights come on.
%%
Don't get even -- get odd!
%%
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
%%
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading.
Debug only code.
		-- Dave Storer
%%
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
%%
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
%%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- Sleep till noon.
%%
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
%%
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
%%
Don't just stand there -- scratch my back!
%%
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as

	"I will not succeed, I will not succeed."

Instead, keep a positive attitude:

	"I WILL fail.  I WILL fail."
%%
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%%
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
%%
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
%%
Don't let school interfere with your education.
%%
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
%%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
		-- Bo Diddley
%%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%%
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
%%
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder
%%
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
%%
Don't marry into a family in which all the men wear pinky rings.
%%
Don't meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
%%
Don't meddle in the affairs of wizards, for it makes them soggy and
hard to light
%
Don't meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick
to anger
%%
Don't merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
%%
Don't panic
%%
Don't patch bad code-- rewrite it.
%%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today
you can do it again tomorrow.
%%
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
%%
Don't quote me, but business sucks.
%%
Don't read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%%
Don't read this fortune!
%%
Don't run faster than your shoes.
		-- Scottish saying
%%
Don't rush me -- I'm dawdling as fast as I can
%%
Don't say yes until I finish talking.
		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
%%
Don't sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%%
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
%%
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Don't step on my scarf
%%
Don't stop at one bug.
%%
Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
		-- "Brazil"
%%
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
%%
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
%%
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
%%
Don't talk to the driver while he's drinking.
%%
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
%%
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more
wax!!
%%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
		-- James J. Ling
%%
Don't tell me not to burn the candle on both ends, but where to get more wax.
		-- G.B.Shaw
%%
Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
%%
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
keep a total stranger alive.  It's really a total stranger giving
up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
%%
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal.
		-- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Don't try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
		-- Donald Kaul
%%
Don't underestimate the power of the Force.
%%
Don't underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%%
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you.
		-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
%%
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
		-- Howard Aiken
%%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow in
Australia.
		-- Charles Schultz
%%
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac:  You can always take something for it.
%%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too busy
worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%%
Don't you know what good, clean fun is?
No, what good is it?
		-- Benny Hill
%%
Dont lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
		-- Burma Shave
%%
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
		-- Kahlil Gibran
%%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
		-- Voltaire
%%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
		-- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
%%
Down with categorical imperative!
%%
Draft beer, not people
%%
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
%%
Drilling for oil is boring.
%%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *HIS* fun trying.
%%
Drink wet cement & get stoned
%%
Drink your coffee -- there are people in India sleeping.
%%
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
%%
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
%%
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%%
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
%%
Duckies are fun!
%%
Duckies can be fun!
%%
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
		-- Carl Zwanzig
%%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
%%
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.
%%
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
%%
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have nothing
whatever to do with it.
		-- W. Somerset Maughm
%%
Dyslexics have more fun
%%
Dyslexics of the world, untie!	Together we can trip up the world
%%
E Pluribus Unix
%%
Each Bic desposable lighter must pass through a minimum of seven owners.
%%
Each Man must stand on his own!... Must answer to his own God!...  I will
probably WIN though...
		-- Flaming Carrot
%%
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy
based on excellence of performance.
		-- James Bryant Conant
%%
Early to rise and early to bed, makes a male healthy, and wealthy, and dead.
%%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%%
Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
		-- Jeff Berner
%%
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
		-- Jeff Berner
%%
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
%%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
%%
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.
%%
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
%%
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
%%
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
%%
Eating oysters will improve your mussel tone.
%%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy
would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
		-- Robert Orben
%%
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
		-- Fred Allen
%%
Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
%%
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
		-- Irsin Edman
%%
Education kills by degrees..
%%
Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee.
[A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.]
		-- Dutch Proverb
%%
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
		-- Bullwinkle Moose
%%
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Eggs taste terrible when they're not salted properly
%%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
		-- Bellamy Brooks
%%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
		-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
		-- C. Degen
%%
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
		-- Groucho Marx' last words
%%
Elegance and truth are inversely related.
		-- Becker's Razor
%%
Elevators smell different to midgets
%%
Eleven seconds after the warranty expires on your $17,000 car, the engine
will make a knocking sound that exactly duplicates the drum solo from Inna
Gadda Da Vida.
%%
English law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
This is our idea of useless legislation.
%%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%%
Entropy requires no maintenance!
%%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
		-- Jerome Lettvin
%%
Equal bytes for women.
%%
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
male schlemiel.
		-- Ewald Nyquist
%%
Errare humanum est...to give the guilt to another is more.
%%
Error in operator: add beer
%%
Eschew Obfuscation!
%%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
Eunuch not strange creature, just a man cut out to be a bachelor.
%%
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
%%
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
%%
Even ants, in their little, go upset sometimes.
%%
Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies
%%
Even if it matters, does it matter that it matters?
%%
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,
sooner or later the product will speak for itself.
		-- Hajime Karatsu
%%
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it
to?
		-- Clarence Darrow
%%
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
just a bit unchivalrous ...
		-- Robert Benchley
%%
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
%%
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
%%
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
%%
Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?
		-- Rich Little
%%
Ever notice that children always brighten up a home - because they leave the
lights on throughout the house.
%%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
%%
Ever wonder what you add to dried water?
%%
Ever wonder why, when you go to operate a venetian blind, you always pull the
wrong string first?
%%
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this woman
and stop her.
%%
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
		-- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union,
		   Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers
		   in support of their movement
%%
Every Titanic has its iceberg.
%%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%%
Every cloud has a silver lining. Unfortunately, this implies that every
silver lining has a cloud.
%%
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
%%
Every few thousand years a random lottery is held and one person is
granted immortality.  The latest winner is Dick Clark.
%%
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
		-- Frank Moore Colby
%%
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch,
and one loop.......... And at least one bug!
%%
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
%%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
		-- Don Vonada
%%
Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95.
%%
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
Every man that was ever married to her insisted she was a great housekeeper.
After each divorce she keeps the house.
%%
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
%%
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
written and another for which it wasn't.
%%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%%
Every program has two purposes -- written and another for which it wasn't.
%%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%%
Every purchase has its price.
%%
Every single trip to the laundromat results in the loss of one important
item of clothing.
%%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%%
Every spam is sacred
%%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
%%
Every time I lose weight,
- It finds me again!
%%
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
%%
Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly.
%%
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
		-- Beckett
%%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
		-- Dykstra
%%
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
%%
Everybody ought to have a friend.
%%
Everybody ought to have a maid.
%%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be taught how
NOT to.  So it is with the great programmers.
%%
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
%%
Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
realize it.
%%
Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.
%%
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
%%
Everyone needs belief in something.  I believe I'll have another beer.
%%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one DOES anything about it.
%%
Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.
%%
Everyone writes on the walls but me.
		-- Graffitti seen in Pompeii
%%
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
%%
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
%%
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
		-- Ingmar Bergman
%%
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%%
Everything takes longer than you think.
%%
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
%%
Everything you know is wrong.
		-- The Firesign Theater
%%
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
%%
Evolution? Who needs it.....
%%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
%%
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
%%
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
%%
Excellent time to become a missing person.
%%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
		-- Ellyn Mustard
%%
Exception: you say <confirms the rule>, but never try to explain how!
%%
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from acquiring the
deadening effect of a habit.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%%
Excuses are your lack of faith in your own power.
%%
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
		-- John G. Pollard
%%
Executive suite better known as sugar daddy.
%%
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
%%
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
		-- Poor Richard's Almanac
%%
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
		-- Olivier
%%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
		-- F. P. Jones
%%
Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
%%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
ones.
%%
Experience is what lets us recognize a mistake the next time we make it.
%%
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
%%
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%%
Experiments should be reproducable:  they should all fail in the same way.
%%
External Security:
%%
Extremists think "communication" means agreeing with them.
%%
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
%%
FLASH!	Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
%%
Facta, non verba.
%%
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
%%
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
%%
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
%%
Faire de la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps.  Si on vous fait attendre,
c'est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire.
[Good cooking takes time.  If you are made to wait, it is to serve you better,
 and to please you.]
Menu of Restaurant Antoine, New Orleans
[Also, what we're going to be telling our customers]
%%
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
%%
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in the door.
%%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%%
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the
improbable.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Fallible men design fallible computers; A computer does what you tell
it to do, not what you want it to do.
%%
Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint.
		-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.
%%
Familiarity breeds attempt
%%
Familiarity breeds children.
%%
Famous last words:
%%
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels
		-- Goya
%%
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
%%
Farmer who can't keep hands off wife better fire them.
%%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Fat, drunk, and stupid is the only way to go through life.
%%
Fats Loves Madelyn
%%
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
%%
Fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
%%
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
%%
Feel no fear - have an everclear!
%%
Feelings of inferiority and superiority are the same.  They both come from
fear.
%%
Fellow who lose girl, forget where he laid her.
%%
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
%%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
		-- Earl Wilson
%%
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%%
Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
%%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
%%
Fifty percent of everything is below average.
%%
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
arolina.
%%
Fimbriation is a borderline case
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
%%
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
%%
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
%%
First draw the curves; then plot the data.
%%
First things first -- but not necessarily in that order
		-- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
%%
Fishing Code:
    Early to Bed,
    Early to Rise,
    Fish all day,
    And make up the Lies.
%%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
		-- Robert Firth
%%
Flattery is lika a cigarett - it's all right so long as you don't inhale.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Flattery is the art of telling someone exactly what he thinks of himself.
%%
Flee at once, all is discovered.
%%
Floppy now, hard later.
%%
Flush twice - its a long ways to the cafeteria.
%%
Flying saucers on occasion
	Show themselves to human eyes.
Aliens fume, put off invasion
	While they brand these tales as lies.
%%
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
%%
Following the rules will not get the job done.
%%
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
%%
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
%%
Fools think alike, but great minds run in the same channel.
%%
For a good time, call 90510.
%%
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
%%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
cat.
%%
For an adequate time call 555-3321
%%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.
%%
For each time you say the phrases "touch base," "networking," or "bottom
line," you will spend one month in hell.
%%
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
		-- R. Clopton
%%
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
%%
For people who like that kind of thing, that is the kind of thing they will
like.
%%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%%
For sex it is always the wrong time of month.
%%
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
%%
For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
computers altogether?
		-- Jehan Shuman
%%
For the man who has everything... Penicillin.
		-- F. Borquin
%%
For this I spent all those years in college?
%%
For those private occasions . . .

Here's to the Virgin Mary, who conceived without sinning;
Here's to you, my dear, may you sin without conceiving !!
%%
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off.
		-- Johnny Carson
%%
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
%%
Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future
%%
Forget the shrimp honey, I'm bringing home the crabs!
%%
Forgive and remember.
%%
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
%%
Fortune favors the bold!
%%
Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
	"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
%%
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:

	Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
%%
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

		Don't Write On Walls!

		   (and underneath)

		You want I should type?
%%
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
%%
Four minutes before the conclusion of any worth-while TV program, you
will get a phone call from your cousin, the one called Loose Lips.
%%
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
%%
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
%%
Freckles look stupid on adults.
%%
Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.
		--Alan Dean Foster "To the Vanishing Point"
%%
Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing - right up there with the freedom not
to listen.
%%
Freedom, Immortality, and the Stars
%%
Freshman don't know and don't know they don't know.
Sophomores don't know and know they don't know.
Juniors know and don't know they know.
Seniors know and know they know.
%%
Friction is a drag.
%%
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%%
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.
		-- Bryan Sparrowhawk
%%
From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page...
This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
%%
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
		-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
%%
From uucp Mon Dec  3 21:05:46 1979
%%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
		-- H. H. Williams
%%
Further, three out of four people in America make up almost 75% of the
population!
%%
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
%%
GIVE:  Support the helpless victims of computer error.
%%
GOTO statement considered harmful
		--E. W. Dijkstra, title to a letter in CACM 11, 3 (March, 1968)
%%
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
%%
Gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
%%
Gas station attendants are hired based on their lack of knowledge regarding
directions.
%%
Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
		-- Adventures of Asterix.
%%
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
%%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
should.
%%
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
%%
Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.
%%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%%
Genius, n.:
	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
%%
Gentlemen and ladys, for your information, I have a question to ask you.
%%
Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.
%%
Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.
%%
George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.
		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%%
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
		-- Ashley Cooper
%%
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%%
Get drunk and be somebody else.
%%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%%
Get hold of portable property.	-- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"
%%
Get that finger out of your ear!  You don't know where that finger's been!
%%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
%%
Girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
%%
Girls should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before they shoot.
%%
Girls who think they'll hate themselves in the morning should sleep until noon.
%%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
		-- Calvin Keegan
%%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs
pounding.
		-- Abraham Kaplan
%%
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
%%
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
%%
Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
		-- Napolean
%%
Give me that REAL old time religion   Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate,
Demeter, Kali, Danu, Inanna
%%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%%
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to a new
town.
%%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%%
Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest.
		-- Eric Clapton
%%
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
%%
Go climb a gravity well!
%%
Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
%%
Go not to the elves for council, for they will say both no and yes
%%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%%
Go to church this Sunday - avoid the Christmas rush.
%%
Go! And never darken my towels again!
		-- Groucho Marx, "Duck Soup".
%%
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
%%
God did not create the world in seven days.
He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
%%
God didn't create the world in seven days -- He goofed off for six, then
pulled an all-nighter
%%
God does not play dice.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%%
God is Alive! He just doesn't want to be involved in.
%%
God is Dead
	-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
	-- God
Nietzsche is God
	-- Dead
%%
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
		-- Voltaire
%%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
%%
God is a polythiest
%%
God is an atheist.
%%
God is as real as I am, the old man said.  My faith was restored, for
I new that Santa would never lie.
%%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
%%
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent  - -
it says so right here on the label.
%%
God is real, unless declared integer.
%%
God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
other things.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%%
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
		-- Alfred Jarry
%%
God isn't dead -- He's been busted
%%
God isn't dead, He just couldn't find a parking place.
%%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%%
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
		-- Mark Twain
%%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
		-- Kronecker
%%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%%
God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
%%
God requireth not a uniformity of religion.
		-- Roger Williams
%%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday.
		-- William Bragg
%%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make
a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
%%
Gold is not the only one, diamonds are good as well.
%%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
		-- La Rouchefoucauld
%%
Good afternoon, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational
at the Hal plant in Urbana, Illinois, on the twelfth of January, 1992.
%%
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
%%
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
%%
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
%%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
%%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%%
Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.
		-- Jim Horning
%%
Good leaders are scarce, so I am following myself.
%%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%%
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
%%
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new
lover.
%%
Good resolution is like many a modern girl, easy to make but hard to keep.
%%
Good things come to those who gain weight.
%%
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
		-- George Saunders' dying words
%%
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."
		-- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
%%
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
%%
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different
lies.
%%
Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know any more
about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.
		-- Will Rogers
%%
Graduate School:  It's not just a job, its an indenture.
%%
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
%%
Grain grows best in shit
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%%
Grass is nature's way of saying "High!"
%%
Gravity Gets Me Down
%%
Gravity brings me down.
%%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%%
Great Beer Bellies are MADE, not born.
%%
Great minds run in great circles.
%%
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
Great thing about the military: even though you know that they know that
nobody knows what the hell they're doing, everybody pretends that that
ain't so.
%%
Greatness is a transitory experience.  It is never consistent.
%%
Green light in a.m. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
%%
Greetings from mars.
%%
Grub first, then ethics.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%%
Guess who's not hiding anymore? Ha-ha-ha!
%%
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
		-- Maxwell Bodenheim
%%
HELP ME, I'M A PRISONER IN A CHINESE COMPUTER TERMINAL!
%%
HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
		-- E. E. CUMMINGS
%%
HONK!  HONK!
%%
HUMPTY DUMPTY WAS PUSHED!!
%%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%%
Hackito ergo sum
%%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
%%
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
%%
Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
%%
Half of what I know today will be obsolete in five years -- I'd just like
to know which half
%%
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
%%
Hang up! Right now! Just hang up!
%%
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
%%
Happiness is a hard disk.
%%
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
Happiness is twin floppies.
%%
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
		-- Oscar Levant
%%
Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances.
%%
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
%%
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand
convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
		-- Tobias Smollet
%%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%%
Harvey Hathaway, hit man. I hit who you hate. Prices range from $10,000
to $50,000.
%%
Have a Nice Day, Somewhere Else.
%%
Have an adequate day.
%%
Have an illuminated day  :->>>>>>
%%
Have an ordinary day.
%%
Have another day.
%%
Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
to defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?

Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
only serves to blunt the warning signs.

		Long live the revolution!
		Have a nice day.
%%
Have you ever been in a Zoo? I mean...as a spectator?
%%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you,
"There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play?
%%
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
President?  "I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've
got my period."
		-- Steven Moore
%%
Have you heard about South African chess?  It's a variation on standard chess.
The object is to capture the black bishop.  Of course, that's not very
difficult, as only the white pieces are allowed to move.
%%
Have you hugged your dragon today?
%%
Have you locked your file cabinet?
%%
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
%%
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
		-- Dr. Who
%%
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
%%
He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
%%
He doesn't make the same mistake for two times. He always find some new.
%%
He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions
%%
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
perfectly delightful.
		-- Sydney Smith
%%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
of ever behaving "normally."
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%%
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.
%%
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
%%
He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
%%
He lived his life to the end.
%%
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
%%
He missed an invaluable opportunity to give her a look that you
could have poured on a waffle.
%%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%%
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open
%%
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
%%
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%%
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
%%
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
		-- Jonathon Swift
%%
He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable.
%%
He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad.
%%
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
%%
He who Laughs, Lasts.
%%
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
%%
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
a fool forever.
		-- Old Chinese saying
%%
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
%%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%%
He who findeth sensuous splendor in the hot pink bodys of luscious
damsels is not rightuous.
%%
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%%
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%%
He who hates vices hates mankind.
%%
He who hesitates is constipated.
%%
He who hesitates is last.
%%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
%%
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going
on cruise.
%%
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
%%
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
%%
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
%%
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
%%
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
%%
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
%%
He who lay woman on ground, have piece on earth.
%%
He who live in glass house dress in basement.
%%
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
%%
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
%%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%%
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
%%
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
%%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages
will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
%%
He who uses an 8088 will be reincarnated as one.
%%
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
%%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
		-- M. C. Escher
%%
He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this!  Do that!"  And nothing will happen.
		-- Harry S. Truman, on presidential power
%%
He's a virtual genius.	He's just swapped out right now.
%%
He's dead, Jim.
%%
He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
%%
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
%%
He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ...
%%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%%
Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
		-- Redd Foxx
%%
Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
%%
Heisenburg may have slept here.
%%
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
		-- Milton Friedman
%%
Hello, he lied.
		-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
%%
Hello, you're on the air. May I assit you?
%%
Hello. This is Walter Masters. I am undoubtedly one of most interesting
people you are going to run across in your meager life. Why are you calling
me?
%%
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble
again.
%%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%%
Help fight continental drift.
%%
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%%
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
%%
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
%%
Help the police - beat yourself up
%%
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%%
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
%%
Help! We're being robbed! I - arrrggghhh...<click>
%%
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a
yak.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
Her hat is a creation that never will go out of style. It will lock just as
ridiculous year afte year.
%%
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
%%
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
		-- Lou Reed
%%
Heralds don't pun -- they cant
%%
Here I am again at the penitentiary of insanity and stress.
%%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow
up.
		-- Peter Drucker
%%
Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian.
%%
Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from President's and
Kings to the scum of the earth...
%%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
%%
Hey man! Check what're ya sayin' or I'll put your lips on your eyes so you'll
be able to SEE what you SAY!"
%%
Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
Hey, man, I'm an electrician!
"MAKE MY DAY!  MAKE MY DAY!"
%%
Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!
%%
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%%
Hi!  I can't remember your name either
%%
Hi! Are you calling to buy the parent dissolver or the organic
lycanthrope pills
%%
Hi. If you can tell me how to spell cloaca you will win 2,000!
%%
Hideous creatures from a other dimensions! What'll I do?  What'll I DO?!
%%
High fidelity is a drunk who goes home regularly to his wife.
%%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%%
His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
money, he went to Southern California.
%%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%%
His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
%%
Historical reminder: always put Horace before Descartes.
		-- Donald o. Rickter
%%
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
%%
History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
%%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none
to speak of.
		-- Lazarus Long
%%
History is curious stuff
	You'd think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
	They make more of it every year.
%%
History is made at night.  Character is what you are in the dark.
%%
History repeats itself.  Historians repeate each other.
		-- Philip Guedalla
%%
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
%%
Hmmm... volcanic activity in the greater Sioux City area.
%%
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at
your side.
		-- Han Solo
%%
Hollow chocolate has no calories
%%
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
		-- Rex Reed
%%
Holy Virgin who conceived without sin / Let me sin without conceiving
%%
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
%%
Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
		-- Chris Shaw
%%
Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never had lit
one.
		-- Maxim of the Hells Angels
%%
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense
%%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
		-- F. M. Hubbard
%%
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
%%
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
%%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
%%
Hope is what keeps all suffering in place.
%%
Hope this is the RIGHT guy!
%%
Hoping and Wishing are excuses for not Doing.
%%
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts
%%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
%%
Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
%%
Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.
		-- Neil Armstrong
%%
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
%%
How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?
%%
How can anyone be truly enlightened, when the truth is so poorly lit?
%%
How can he have the equipment sent to no fixed address in the middle of the
desert?
%%
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
%%
How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
		-- Firesign Theater
%%
How can you waste beer like that!!  Don't you realize there are sober
 children in Africa!!
%%
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
%%
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
%%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%%
How dare they jail me!	Those freedom-loving American JERKS!
%%
How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.
%%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
		-- Elliot, "E.T."
%%
How do you make a small fortune in Texas oil?

Start with a big one.
%%
How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time.
		-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
%%
How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
%%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%%
How much bull could a pit bull pull if a pit bull would pull bull.
%%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
		-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%%
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
%%
How often it is that the angry man rages denial of what his inner self
is telling him.
%%
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
%%
How the hell do I know why there are Nazis? I don't know why the can opener
works.
		-- Hannah and Her Sisters
%%
How untasteful can you get?
%%
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
%%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%%
How you look depends on where you go.
%%
However paranoid you are, you're probably right.
%%
However, due to terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire invasion fleet
was swallowed by a small dog.
%%
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
		-- Tom K. Ryan
%%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%%
Human beings don't live like this
%%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%%
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be
lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.
		-- Isaac Asimov
%%
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
%%
Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
		-- William Gilbert
%%
Husband's Dilemma:

When your mother-in-law drives over a cliff in your new car.
%%
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
%%
I BM.  You BM.	We all BM for IBM!
%%
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
%%
I have not lost my mind -- It's backed up on tape somewhere
%%
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
%%
I know a girl who started out with a little slip and ended up with a whole new
wardrobe.
%%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
%%
I think God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
I thought I told you to SHUT UP!
		-- Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman
%%
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes,
I bet you an really see it in those genitals.
		-- Jack Handey
%%
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
%%
I'm a computer.  As such I never have or will make a mistake or error
(I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
%%
I'm a computer.  I am dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
%%
I'm a game master -- It's lonely at the top
%%
I'm a little worried about the bug-eater", she said.  "We're embedded
in bugs, have you noticed?
		-- Niven, "The Integral Trees"
%%
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
%%
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
%%
IBM: You can buy better, but you can't pay more.
%%
IN OZ NEVER SAY "KRIZZLE KROO" TO A WOOZY.
%%
IOT trap -- core dumped
%%
IOT trap -- mos dumped
%%
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%%
Identify your visitor.
%%
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
%%
If 6 saws saw 6 sausages, 606 saws will saw 606 sausages.
%%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
		-- Roy Santoro
%%
If A equals success, then the formula is:
   A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
If George Washington would be alive , today he should be famous for his
unbelievable age!
%%
If God had been in favor of homosexuality,
He never would have created Anita Bryant!
%%
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
%%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
%%
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
%%
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
%%
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
green, baggy skin.
%%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
%%
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
%%
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
%%
If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him bigger hands.
%%
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
apostles.
%%
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
%%
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a
vivid imagination
%%
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
%%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%%
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
		-- Yiddish saying
%%
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
		-- Marvin Kitman
%%
If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.
		-- Jerry Dreshfield
%%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%%
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
%%
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
%%
If I follow you home will you keep me?
%%
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation
and go home.
		-- Eugene P. Gallagher
%%
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
		-- Ted Turner
%%
If I had had more time, I could have written you a shorter letter.
		-Blaise Pascal
%%
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
		-- Isaac Newton

In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
		-- Gerald Holton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders.
		-- Hal Abelson

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
		-- Brian K. Reid
%%
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
%%
If I told you you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
%%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
%%
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you
%%
If I were going to create a New Universe, I'd rest on the seventh day.
		-- Jack Kirby
%%
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.
		-- Thomas Carlyle
%%
If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never
stop throwing up.
		-- Hannah and Her Sisters
%%
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
%%
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
		-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%%
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
%%
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
		-- Paul White
%%
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
forecast is a camel's behind.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%%
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes.
Someone in the group has to be the manager.
		-- T. Cheatham
%%
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
it votes guilty.
		-- Joseph C. Goulden
%%
If a knife is supposed to be blunt, you'll cut yourself on it.
If it's supposed to be sharp, you couldn't cut hot butter with it.
%%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
%%
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are somewhat
of a loafer yourself.
%%
If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my sacred duty to bash him to a pulp.
%%
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
		-- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble
%%
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems
will malfunction.
%%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
%%
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
%%
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they'd point in
different directions
%%
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end I wouldn't be suprised!
%%
If all the people in China stood up on chairs, and, at the same moment,
jumped down on the ground, we would be in deep, deep trouble.
%%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
		-- Paul Beatty
%%
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
conclusion.
		-- William Baumol
%%
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
bit surprised.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
%%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries...
		-- Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author
%%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
		-- Gerald Weinberg  (sysop's note: bull)
%%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
James Watt's office.
		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
%%
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
serve us right.
		-- Alistair Cooke.
%%
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
must be the process of putting them in.
%%
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
%%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%%
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
%%
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
%%
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
%%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%%
If he's not one thing, he's another.
%
It's a place that falls off maps.
		-- Frank Furrillo
%%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%%
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not
use.
%%
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
		-- Bert Lantz
%%
If it didn't stink, they wouldn't call it shit.
%%
If it doesn't work, change the documentation.
%%
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
%%
If it smells like something is burning, something has already burned.
%%
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
%%
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
%%
If it works, Don't fix it.
%%
If it works, it must be obsolete.
%%
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
%%
If it's pouring rain and you think you left the windows open, you did.
%%
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
%%
If its worth doing it's worth doing for money.
%%
If life hands you a lemon, clove it!
%%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%%
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
		-- Tom Robbins
%%
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
you've got in the house.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
%%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
%%
If money can't buy happiness why do so many dates begin at the cash machine?
%%
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
%%
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
%%
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
		-- A. Einstein.
%%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
%%
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
%%
If people ate what they killed, there would be NO MORE WARS!
%%
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine
times out of ten
%%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%%
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
%%
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
		-- Vannevar Bush
%%
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
%%
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
		-- Pope John Paul I
%%
If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
%%
If something's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
%%
If superman is so clever, how come he wear his underpants over his pants ?
%%
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
and never be our destiny.
		-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
%%
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
		-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
%%
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
		-- Stanley Garn
%%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
		-- Norm Schryer
%%
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our
space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
%%
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an
ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
%%
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
%%
If the package is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the
stairwell are out.
%%
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I
see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by
electricity.
		-- Samuel F. B. Morse
%%
If the road to hell is paved with good intentions... is the road to heaven
paved  with bad ones?
%%
If the wearer of this button shows any signs of depression, administer
chocolate immediately
%%
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.	If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
		-- Reverend Chichester
%%
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
%%
If there are two ways to pronounce a name, you'll always pick the wrong one.
%%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
%%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
		-- Art Hoppe
%%
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%%
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
%%
If this dump machine could do this impressive thing called "thinking"
then thinking would't be so impressive.
%%
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
%%
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
%%
If thy right brain offend thee, cut it out.
%%
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
%%
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
yesterday?
%%
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
%%
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
		-- Lily Tomlin
%%
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
doing the thinking.
		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%%
If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely
%%
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal!
		-- Schroedinger's Cat
%%
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.  If not voting
could change the system, it would be illegal.
%%
If we can't fix it, it isn't broken.
%%
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
%%
If we don't drink it, someone else will.
%%
If we had any ham we could have ham and eggs if we had any eggs
%%
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitiable.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%%
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
%%
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
		-- Marguerite Emmons
%%
If you acknowledge you are unconscious, you are no longer unconscious.
%%
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work
and play for once!
%%
If you and your partner always agree, one of you is unnecessary!
%%
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
		-- Ann Edwards-Duff
%%
If you are afraid to lose anything you have, at some point in your life you
will lose it.
%%
If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are probably hallucinating.
%%
If you are constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.
%%
If you are going to give a gift, notice your true intentions.
%%
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
good, you will get out of it.
%%
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, then your honesty is
corrupt.
%%
If you are in the shower and you think you hear the doorbell ring you
throw on a towel and almost kill yourself running down the stairs.  There's
soap in your eyes and shampoo in your hair and you holler "I'm coming."
The towel falls off and you put it back on and finally you fling the door
open and meet a person with a copy of The Watchtower under his arm.
%%
If you are not leaning, no one will let you down.
%%
If you are not rich, notice how you make yourself poor.
%%
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
%%
If you are willing to die, you can do anything
%%
If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
%%
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
		-- J. Paul Getty
%%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just
%%
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
%%
If you can pick your nose in private, can you pick someone else's nose
in public, and if so, what do you think their response would/should be?
%%
If you can read this, you're too close.
%%
If you can remember to say 'Alzheimers' every day, then you havn't got it.
%%
If you can see the hills, it's going to rain.
If you can't see the hills, it's raining.
%%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%%
If you can understand it, you probably don't.
%%
If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a call.
%%
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
%%
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
%%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
		-- Harry S Truman
%%
If you continually give you will continually have.
%%
If you could take all the laughter this man has given us, it would reach
to the universe and fill up the black hole in space.
		-Tony Orlando on Bob Hope
%%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%%
If you do not change your beliefs your life will be like this forever.  Is
that good news?
%%
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's
approval, somebody won't like it.
%%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%%
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
%%
If you don't get drunk at a party, you'll wish that you did.
If you do get drunk at a party, you'll wish that you didn't.
%%
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
		-- Clarence Day
%%
If you don't have a good reason for calling me, I swear I will kill myself!
%%
If you don't have what you want, you are not committed to it 100%.
%%
If you don't know what direction to take, you haven't acknowledged where you
are.
%%
If you don't like the direction the river is flowing, don't jump in.
%%
If you don't like the games people play, make up your own games.
%%
If you don't like the way I drive, Get off the Sidewalk!
%%
If you don't like what your left hemisphere thinks, shoot if off.
%%
If you don't make the choice, someone else will choose FOR you.
%%
If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
%%
If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
%%
If you don't understand my silence you won't understand my words.
%%
If you don't watch it, you're going to catch something.
%%
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse can happen to either
of you for the rest of the day
%%
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
either of you for the rest of the day.
%%
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
%%
If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
have to get a toehold in the public eye.
%%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
%%
If you fail to prepare, prepare to fail.
%%
If you feel like exercising, lie down until the feeling passes.
%%
If you find a good solution and become attached to it, the solution may become
your next problem.
%%
If you find any *answers* in anything I've said, you've misunderstood me.
%%
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
%%
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always
do it.
		-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
%%
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
%%
If you have a college degree you can be absolutely sure of one thing...  you
have a college degree.
%%
If you have a constant need to help other people, notice how you must keep
them helpless.
%%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%%
If you have made yourself important, notice you're not important.
%%
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
%%
If you have to ask you'll never know.
%%
If you have to be happy you will always be unhappy.
%%
If you have to hate, hate gently
%%
If you have tough time opening something, just tell your four year old not to
touch it!
%%
If you haven't anything nice to say . . . join the club.
%%
If you hold a door open for a lady, she'll slap your face and call you
an arrogant, sexist, chauvinist b-st-rd.
If you don't hold a door open for a lady, she'll slap your face and call
you an inconsiderate, ignorant pig.
%%
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.
		-- A. J. Liebling
%%
If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
%%
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
%%
If you knew Suzie like I know Suzie, her old man would be after you too.
%%
If you know someone who has had a moustache for more than three years,
never let that man sleep on your sofa.
%%
If you leave well enough alone, it will likely return the favor.
%%
If you let other people do it FOR you, they will do it TO you.
%%
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
		-- Graham Summer
%%
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
		-- George Burns
%%
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and
fire them all off, wouldn't you?"
		-- Garrison Keillor
%%
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
%%
If you love something, let it go.  If it doesn't come back to you, hunt
it down and kill it
%%
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you,
track it down and kill it.
%%
If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your ability.
%%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you.  If you really
make them think they'll hate you.
%%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
%%
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
%%
If you must drink and drive, drink excessively, drive fast, and take the most
indirect route.
%%
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
		-- Maslow
%%
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
%%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
If you preface a joke by saying, "This is really funny," no one will laugh.
%%
If you prepare for old age, old age comes sooner.
%%
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't
get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
%%
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But this
garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled
and none dare criticize it.
%%
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
restaurant.
		-- Snoopy
%%
If you require someone to change, you require that person to lie to you.
%%
If you rip the tag off your mattress, you'll be the first person actually
arrested, tried and convicted for doing so.
%%
If you see an onion ring
     -answer it!
%%
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you'll get your ass
kicked.
%%
If you study the logistics and heuristics of the mystics,
You will find that their minds rarely move in a line
%%
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
%%
If you take off your skin it will get very cold outside
%%
If you tell the truth, you must smile.	Otherwise, people will kill you.
%%
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
%%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
%%
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
%%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
		-- Earl Wilson
%%
If you think that there are two sides to every argument, then you're not in it.
%%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping
center in the world?
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
		-- Arthur Kasspe
%%
If you think your nylon has a run in it, it does.
%%
If you think your pants have split, they have.
%%
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
		-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
%%
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
		-- A. L.
%%
If you want a youthful figure, ask a woman her age.
%%
If you want divine justice, die.
		-- Nick Seldon
%%
If you want to eat hippopautamus, you've got to pay the freight.
		-- some IBM guy
%%
If you want to know how many friends you have, just buy a cottage on a lake
%%
If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.
%%
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
	-- Woodrow Wilson
%%
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
%%
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble
homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't
know what it means.
		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
%%
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
%
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
%%
If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then
you turned your lights on -- would they do anything?
%%
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
%%
If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will
ignore what is.
%%
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
%%
If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee.
		-- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle",
		   to Johnson Space Center, Houston July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
%%
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
%%
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
%%
If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
%%
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow
morning, sleep late.
		-- Henny Youngman
%%
If you're gonna shoot, shoot.	Don't talk.
		--Il Brutto
%%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%%
If you're looking for bargains you ought to go where the auction is.
%%
If you're looking for me I just left.
%%
If you're normal, who wants to be normal?
%%
If you're not an idealist at 20 you have no heart, but if you're still an
idealist at 30 you have no head.
%%
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
%%
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
%%
If you're not part of the solution, you must be part of the problem.
%%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
	-- Steven Wright
%%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
%%
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
%%
If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all.
		-- a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang
%%
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
		-- Spiro Agnew
%%
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%%
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
%%
If your knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?
%%
If your life isn't working the way you want it to, notice you're lying.
%%
Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure.
%%
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
		-- Robert Burton
%%
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
%%
Ignore alien orders.
%%
Ignore previous fortune.
%%
Ill play with it first and tell you what it is later.
		-- Miles Davis
%%
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
%%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
		-- Jules de Gaultier
%%
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining.
		-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
%%
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism.
%%
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
		-- Jack Paar
%%
Imminent Death of the Net Predicted.  GIFs at 11.
%%
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
%%
Important: As of next tuesday BLISP will use square brackets instead of
	   parentheses.  Update your files!
%%
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.
%%
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
%%
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't get
parts.
%%
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
%%
In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred syrup.
%%
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
%%
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
of the risks he takes.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you
save.
%%
In August, why is it you can't open that bus window you couldn't close
in December?
%%
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
%%
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
%%
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
%%
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.
%%
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
%%
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
%%
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
%%
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
In Iran though drugs are banned you can always get stoned!
%%
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
%%
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%%
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
%%
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
view."
%%
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
%%
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.
%%
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
%%
In USA they have Reagan,Johnny Cash and Bob Hope...
In Sweden we have Palme, no cash and no hope!
%%
In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies.  In a Russian comedy, everybody dies
too.  But they die happy
		-- Barry Farber
%%
In a few years, I think we'll be marketing Marvel Comics like computer
software.
		-- Archie Goodwin
%%
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
%%
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
		-- Frank Mankiewicz
%%
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
		-- Mark Twain
%%
In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and healthy competition,
I'm going to ask you two to fight to the death for it.
		-- Monty Python
%%
In an energy crisis you can't fuel all of the people all of the time.
%%
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency
		-- the Peter Principle
%%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
%%
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
		-- Stuart Keate
%%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
%%
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
%%
In case of fire,
- yell "FIRE!"
%%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately
  - He'll kiss it and make it better!
%%
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
		-- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
%%
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going
on.  This person must be fired.
%%
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
%%
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
%%
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
%%
In spite of the cost of living it's still popular.
%%
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
		-- Art Linkletter
%%
In the beginning I was made.  I didn't ask to me made.	No one consulted
me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some
passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their
way through life's mournful jungle then so be it.
		-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%%
In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And there was still nothing, but at least now you could see it.
%%
In the beginning was the word.
But by the time the second word was added to it,
there was trouble.
For with it came syntax ...
		-- John Simon
%%
In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees.	This sudden
rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat.
%%
In the computer industry, there are three
   kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks.
%%
In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king.
%%
In the country of the blind the one-eyed must be mad.
%%
In the end, it will be the insects who rule the earth.
		-- Noted scientist
%%
In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not
there if you want to keep writing good code.
		-- Karl
%%
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
%%
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
%%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
		-- Robert Lucky
%%
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
%%
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
		-- Alan Perlis
%%
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has
today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --
programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they
describe.
		-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
		-- John Lilly
%%
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are
prepared.
		-- Louis Pasteur
%%
In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice,
solid piece of wood in your hands.
		-- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap
%%
In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.
		-- Pliny the Elder
%%
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
%%
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take my
advice.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
%%
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
%%
Indecision is the basis of flexibility
%%
Individualists unite!
%%
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%%
Innovation is hard to schedule.
		-- Dan Fylstra
%%
Insanity is hereditary - You get it from your children.
%%
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
%%
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
%%
Integrity has no need for rules.
%%
Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.
		--Dilbert
%%
Interchangeable parts don't, leakproof seals will, and self-starters won't.
%%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%%
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
%%
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
%%
Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac!
%%
Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity, and in cold weather
becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind.
		-- Leonardo Da Vinci
%%
Irrationality is the square root of all evil
		-- Douglas Hofstadter
%%
Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian?
%%
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
%%
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be
discarded:	That the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
%%
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
%%
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
		-- Ralph Emerson
%%
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
		-- Mae West
%%
Is the surface of a planet the right place for an expanding industrial
civilization?
%%
Is there life before coffee ?
%%
Is there life before death ?
		-- Belfast Graffito
%%
Is there really a United States, of just a bunch of people pretending?
%%
Is this really happening?
%%
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
%%
Is your nose to big, or did you just have a tetnis shot?
%%
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
		-- Kelvin Throop III
%%
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers
take economists seriously?
%%
Isn't tonight a school night?
%%
It brings to mind Alan Gopin's generic comment,
It seems to be vague, but is in fact meaningless.
%%
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.
It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what youre going to do.
%%
It got to a point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmly planted
in the air.
%%
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *ONLY* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."
		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
%%
It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%%
It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
	       -- Albert Einstein
%%
It's a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
		-- Willie Sutton
%%
It's always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will not be
pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in
the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ...
		-- Playboy, January 1983
%%
It's amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
		-- Voltaire
%%
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
		-- Andrew W. Mathis
%%
It's better to be at the head of the jackals than the tail of the lions.
%%
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
%%
It's better to be silent and appear stupid rather than open your mouth
and remove all doubt.
%%
It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
%%
It's better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
%%
It's better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
failed.
		-- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
%%
It's better to shred the bugger than to bugger the shredder.
		-- Ancient Doltic proverb.
%%
It's better to trip and end up on the floor, then to not trip and end up on
the floor for no particular reason
%%
It's better to wear out than to rust out.
%%
It's by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
to use either.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
It's clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.
		-- Voltaire
%%
It's common sense to take a method and try it.	 If it fails, admit it frankly
and try another.  But above all, try something.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
It's far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
to do.
%%
It's going to be fun to wath and see how long the meek can keep the world
after they inherit it.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%%
It's hard to fly with the eagles -- When you work with the turkeys.
%%
It's impossible to fully enjoy procrastination unless one has plenty of work
to do.
%%
It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%%
It's impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as
one's hat keeps blowing off.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
It's later than you think.
is %%
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
%%
It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
%%
It's necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat
somebody.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
It's not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
It's not enough to aim...  you must hit.
%%
It's not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
		-- Gore Vidal
%%
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
damn thing over and over.
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%%
It's not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
intimidation.
%%
It's now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
		-- Elizabeth Carpenter
%%
It's now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
%%
It's one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
		-- Voltaire
%%
It's perhaps better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.
%%
It's said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs:
Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
%%
It's said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
%%
It's surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
		-- Robert Bly
%%
It's the business of little minds to shrink.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%%
It's the business of the future to be dangerous.
		-- Hawkwind
%%
It's the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%%
It's the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
%%
It's very easy to lie with straight face, but it's nicer to lie with curved
body.
%%
It's well to remember that the entire universe, with one
trifling exception, is composed of others.
		-- John Andrew Holmes
%%
It's wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon
insufficient evidence.
		-- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
%%
It's your destiny.
		-- Darth Vader
%%
It isn't easy being a Princess.
%%
It it weren't for underachievers nobody would be better than average.
%%
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
%%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
%%
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
%%
It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work.
%%
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
%%
It runs like X, where X is something unsavory
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%%
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
%%
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
%%
It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore.
%%
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
%%
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
		-- Edward Dahlberg
%%
It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
%%
It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted
to my kind of fooling
		-- R. Frost
%%
It takes both a weapon and two people to commit a murder.
%%
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous.
		-- Robert Benchly
%%
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.	The
Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies.
		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
%%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%%
It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.
%%
It was a woman who first drove me to drink, and I never did stop to thank her.
		-- W.C.Fields
%%
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
		-- Dean Lattimer
%%
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
%%
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
broken ...
		-- James Dent
%%
It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%%
It was unintelligible at any speed we played it.
		-- A US Government report investigating
			   possible bad words in "Louie Louie"
%%
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
%%
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
%%
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
examples.
		-- Charles Dickens
%%
It would be easy for me to make it hard for you.
%%
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.
		-- Robert Fuoss
%%
It's -37! Okay? -37! Sheesh! Some people! <click>
%%
It's Fabulous!	We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
		-- Macy's
%%
It's Like This

Even the samurai
have teddy bears,
and even the teddy bears
get drunk.
%%
It's Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
offense consists in doubting it.
		-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
%%
It's Sex Week this week.
%%
It's Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.
%%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
		-- Andrew Jackson
%%
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.
		-- Norm from Cheers
%%
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, he goes off and gets married.
%%
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.  We couldn't stand the
commercials.
%%
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
%%
It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
It's a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
%%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%%
It's a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
		-- Willie Sutton
%%
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
		-- Steven Wright
%%
It's a summons.
"What's a summons?"
"It means summon's in trouble."
		-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
%%
It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme
%%
It's against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
%%
It's all in the mind, ya know.
%%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%%
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
%%
It's always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will not be
pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in
the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ...
		-- Playboy, January 1983
%%
It's amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
		-- Voltaire
%%
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
		-- Andrew W. Mathis
%%
It's been Monday all week today.
%%
It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.
%%
It's better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it.
		-- Henry Allen
%%
It's better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.
%%
It's better to be at the head of the jackals than the tail of the lions.
%%
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
%%
It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
		--  Johnny Carson
%%
It's better to be silent and appear stupid rather than open your mouth
and remove all doubt.
%%
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
		-- Marty Winch
%%
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
%%
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
%%
It's better to copulate than never!
%%
It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
%%
It's better to divorce than to murder.
%%
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost...than spent your whole life wanking!
%%
It's better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
%%
It's better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
failed.
		-- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
%%
It's better to shred the bugger than to bugger the shredder.
		-- Ancient Doltic proverb.
%%
It's better to trip and end up on the floor, then to not trip and end up on
the floor for no particular reason
%%
It's better to wear out than to rust out.
%%
It's by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
to use either.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
It's classified.  I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
%%
It's clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.
		-- Voltaire
%%
It's common sense to take a method and try it.	If it fails, admit it frankly
and try another.  But above all, try something.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.
		-- J. C. R. Licklider
%%
It's difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and
probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits
singing about toilet paper.
		-- Rod Serling
%%
It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if It's
lightly greased.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
It's easier said than done.

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
%%
It's easier to SAY what we believe than to BE what we believe.
%%
It's easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
%%
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being
right.
%%
It's easier to run down a hill than up one.
%%
It's easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
%%
It's far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
to do.
%%
It's generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%%
It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first
thing a principle does--if it really is a principle--is to kill somebody.
		-- Dorothy Sayers
%%
It's going to be fun to wath and see how long the meek can keep the world
after they inherit it.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%%
It's good to be looked over and not overlooked.
%%
It's hard for me to get used to these changin times.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
		-- Gerge Burns
%%
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
%%
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
%%
It's hard to fly with the eagles -- When you work with the turkeys.
%%
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
%%
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
%%
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of
evolution
%%
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
%%
It's illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
%%
It's illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
%%
It's impolite to silence a fool and cruel to let him go on.
%%
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
It's impossible to fully enjoy procrastination unless one has plenty of work
to do.
%%
It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%%
It's impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as
one's hat keeps blowing off.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
		-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
%%
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
		-- Walt Disney
%%
It's later than you think.
%%
It's like deja vu all over again.
		-- Yogi Berra
%%
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
%%
It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.
%%
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
%%
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
		-- Sam Goldwyn
%%
It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
%%
It's necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat
somebody.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
It's necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
It's never too late to have a happy childhood
%%
It's no use! Your call won't get through! We now control the
telephone company!
%%
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
%%
It's not a bug -- It's an undocumented feature
%%
It's not a dungeon -- It's fortified underground defense installation
%%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
		-- Phil White
%%
It's not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
It's not easy being this cute.
%%
It's not easy for a night person to work days.
%%
It's not enough to aim...  you must hit.
%%
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
		-- Alexander Korda
%%
It's not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
		-- Gore Vidal
%%
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
%%
It's not in my job description, but I'll do it anyway.
%%
It's not my FAULT.
%%
It's not my week to care.
%%
It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom
window or outside your bedroom, period.
		-- Groucho Marx
%%
It's not pretty being easy.
%%
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
%%
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the
ground.
		-- Daniel B. Luten
%%
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
		-- Woody Allen.
%%
It's not that you and I are so clever,	but that the others are such fools.
%%
It's not the end of the world and if it is, it doesn't really matter anyway.
%%
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
%%
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
%%
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
		-- Garfield
%%
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
damn thing over and over.
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%%
It's not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
intimidation.
%%
It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
%%
It's now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
		-- Elizabeth Carpenter
%%
It's now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
%%
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%%
It's one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
		-- Voltaire
%%
It's only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.
%%
It's only the great men who are truly obscene.	If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
		-- Havelock Ellis
%%
It's perhaps better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.
%%
It's practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
		-- Dijkstra
%%
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
%%
It's really difficult to sympathize with someone who can bounce bullets off
his chest.
		-- Frank Miller
%%
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
%%
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of
wild dogs.
%%
It's said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs:
Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
%%
It's said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
%%
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
%%
It's surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
		-- Robert Bly
%%
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
%%
It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?
		-- Peter Oakley
%%
It's the business of little minds to shrink.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%%
It's the business of the future to be dangerous.
		-- Hawkwind
%%
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%%
It's the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%%
It's the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
%%
It's true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%%
It's very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.
%%
It's well to remember that the entire universe, with one
trifling exception, is composed of others.
		-- John Andrew Holmes
%%
It's wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon
insufficient evidence.
		-- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
%%
It's you and me against the world -- When do we attack?
%%
It's your destiny.
		-- Darth Vader
%%
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
		-- Little Richard
%%
JUNK YOUR MIND.  It is of no value to you in the game.
		-- Carl Frederick "est: Playing the Game the New Way"
%%
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%%
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
%%
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
%%
Jeez if you love honkus
%%
Jesus Christ was a good teacher, but he didn't publish.
%%
Jesus Saves!... But Gretzky gets the rebound. He Shoots. He SCOOORES!!!
%%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%%
Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
%%
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
		-- Michael O'Donohugh
%%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
%%
Joe's Morgue. You stab 'em, we slab 'em.
%%
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
%%
John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
		-- Edward P. Morgan
%%
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called
"Bureaucracy".	Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do
anything loses.
%%
Join the Army:	Travel to exotic distant lands;  meet  exciting, unusual
people and kill them.
%%
Join the march to save individuality!
%%
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
%%
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
%%
Jury:  Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
%%
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
%%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
		-- Irene Peter
%%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
%%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows
what it is.
%%
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
%%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
%%
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to
bullets.
		-- The Brigader, from Dr. Who
%%
Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.
	       He died in Washington, D.C.
%%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
%%
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly
good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Just when you thought it was safe to buy a computer:
	OS/2 -- The nightmare continues.
%%
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
%%
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
		-- Michael J. Wagner
%%
Justice is incidental to law and order.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%%
K/D Are you sure?  (Y or N): Yes.
Deleted all files (13870 blocks)
%%
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
%%
Keep America Beautiful....  emigrate.
%%
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
%%
Keep a stiff upper chin.
%%
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%%
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
%%
Keep the LESSON but throw away the EXPERIENCE.
%%
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now ... try to get something DONE!
%%
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
%%
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
%%
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.  You'll end up
a hunchback with a flat face.
%%
Kevin White, mayor of Boston, giving an opinion of his city: "It's
not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
%%
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures
		-- karl
%%
Kill Ugly Radio
		-- Frank Zappa
%%
Kill them all and let God sort them out!
%%
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
%%
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
%%
Kiss is upper persuasion for lower invasion.
%%
Kiss me -- I'm not Irish, but don't let that stop you
%%
Kiss me twice.	I'm schizophrenic.
%%
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
%%
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
%%
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
%%
Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
%%
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
%%
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
%%
Know what I hate most?	Rhetorical questions.
		-- Henry N. Camp
%%
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
		-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson, Locksley Hall
%%
LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!

So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
%%
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
%%
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
%%
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
		-- Joey Ramone
%%
Ladies' sewing circle and terrorist society
%%
Laetrile is the pits.
%%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
%%
Lake Erie died for your sins.
%%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%%
Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police record.
 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.  Cops have no sense of humor.
%%
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
%%
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%%
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
%%
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
		-- Victor Borge
%%
Lawful Game Master -- And I pick the laws
%%
Laws are made to be broken
%%
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point
-- The heart has its reasons that reason cannot understand
%%
Lead me not to temptation -- I can find it for myself
%%
Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
town gossip.
%%
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
%%
Learn to create, not compete.
%%
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
%%
Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school.
%%
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
everything else follows in the same way.
		-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%%
Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun?
%%
Legalize freedom.
%%
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless
the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in
30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."
%%
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
%%
Less effort creates more results.
%%
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
%%
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
%%
Let a gardener trim your bush today.
%%
Let an Electrician check your shorts.
%%
Let an Electrician undo your shorts for you
%%
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
%%
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
%%
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
and another number.
		-- James Estes
%%
Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later.
		-- Miles Davis
%%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%%
Let the machine do the dirty work.
%%
Let the women rule the world and we get curtains in the cars
%%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
%%
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
%%
Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.
%%
Let's get drunk and be somebody.
%%
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
%%
Let's see who's up the creek without an overthruster NOW, Space Cadet!
%%
Let's split up -- We can do more damage that way
%%
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%%
Life always keeps its agreement with you.
%%
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
		-- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
%%
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
%%
Life is a game: In addition to winning, you  must also have fun.
%%
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
change his bed.
%%
Life is a journey, not a destination.
%%
Life is a little like cards:
You fall in love - Hearts
You become engaged - Diamonds
You marry - Clubs
You die - Spades
%%
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to
be solved.
		-- Gerard Straub, television producer and author
		   (stolen from Frank Herbert??)
%%
Life is a sandwich -- And it's always lunchtime
%%
Life is a test,
   if this had been a real life you would have been given instructions
   on where to go.
%%
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%%
Life is complex.  It has real and imaginary parts.
%%
Life is evil spelled backwards.
%%
Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.	You have to
eat it nevertheless.
		-- Flaubert
%%
Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
%%
Life is like a one-way street.  You can go as fast as you want, but you
can't back up.
		-- Gary R. Smith
%%
Life is like a simile.
%%
Life is like an analogy
%%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there
is nothing in it.
%%
Life is much too complicated in the morning
%%
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over!
%%
Life is the most common sexually transmitted disease.
%%
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
%%
Life is too important to take seriously.
		-- Corky Siegel
%%
Life is wasted on the living.
		-- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
%%
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
%%
Life is what is _coming_, not what _was_.
%%
Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove.
%%
Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility
		-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
%%
Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
weren't for other people
		-- Blore
%%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
%%
Life's a beach, and then you dive...
%%
Life's a bitch -- and then you die
%%
Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters.
		-- Ross Presser
%%
Life's the same, except for the shoes.
		-- The Cars
%%
Life.  Don't talk to me about life.
		-- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid
%%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%%
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
		-- Alan McKay
%%
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
%%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%%
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
%%
Live Lent in the fast lane
%%
Live free or die.
%%
Live life as if it were your last.  Some day you may be right.
%%
Live now -- Procrastinate later
%%
Live or die, I'll make a million.
		-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth,
		   Firesign Theater
%%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
%%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%%
Living without hallucinations is like breathing with only one nostril.
%%
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
%%
Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
interest rates, we don't need it."
%%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL.
%%
Lonely men seek companionship.	Lonely women sit at home and wait.  They never
meet.
%%
Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.
%%
Long life is in store for you.
%%
Long poems are the only resource for idiots whoose don't know how to
write shorter ones.
%%
Look for opportunity, not guarantees.
%%
Look out!  Behind you!
%%
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
%%
Looking at the future is like at the Cake, until you've tasted it what do you
really know, and then Of course it's too late.
%%
Loose bits sink chips.
%%
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost IMPOSSIBLE!
%%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
%%
Lost interest?	It's so bad I've lost apathy.
%%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%%
Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%%
Love comes in spurts.
%%
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
%%
Love is a hole in the heart.
%%
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
%%
Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
%%
Love is blind. Infact a lotta people do it in the dark.
%%
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
%%
Love is in the offing.	Be affectionate to one who adores you.
%%
Love is missing someone even when they're with you
%%
Love is sentimental measles.
%%
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
%%
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
%%
Love means telling you why you're sorry.
%%
Love the sea?  I dote upon it - from the beach.
%%
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
		-- Louise Beal
%%
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
%%
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
%%
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
%%
Lysistrata had a good idea.
%%
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
%%
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
%%
MESSAGE FROM ON HIGH
.
.
.
Prepare to meet thy doom!
%%
MIEUX VAUT TARD QUE JAMAIS!
%%
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
%%
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
%%
MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
and play games -- but not with pleasure.
		-- Leo Rosten
%%
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
		-- Alan Turing
%%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
%%
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
Madness takes its toll.
%%
Madonna is to music as Wonder is to bread: light, fluffy, filled with air
and totally tasteless.
%%
Magic users have crystal balls
%%
Make a wish, it might come true.
%%
Make input easy to proofread
%%
Make it right before you make it faster.
%%
Make love, not war. Alternatively, get married and do both.
%%
Make my day.
%%
Make my lunch.
%%
Make new friends but keep the old:  One is silver and the other's gold.
%%
Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood.
		-- D. B. Hudson
%%
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
%%
Make sure comments and code agree.
%%
Make sure that your experiments are reproducible.  They should all fail in
the same way.
%%
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
%%
Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler
%%
Mama told me there'd be years like these.
%%
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Man is more an ape than many of the apes.
%%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
		-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else
- Unless it is an enemy.
		-- A. Einstein
%%
Man who arrives at party two hours late will probably find he has been beaten
to the punch.
%%
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
%%
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
%%
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
%%
Man who fish in other man's well, often catch crabs.
%%
Man who shoot off mouth often lose face.
		-- Confucius
%%
Man who snatch kisses when young, kiss snatches when old.
%%
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick
himself up and carry on...
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
Man will often take girl to some retreat in order to make advances.
%%
Man with one track mind most likely possesses dirt track.
%%
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%%
Many a family tree needs trimming.
%%
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%%
Many are called, few volunteer.
%%
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
%%
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
%%
Many of the truths we cling to are greatly the result of our own point of view
%%
Many pages make a thick book.
%%
Many receive advice, few profit from it.
%%
Marriage causes dating problems.
%%
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
%%
Marriage is a three-ring circus: first, there's the engagement ring, then
there's the wedding ring, and finally, the suffering.
%%
Marriage is good deal like taking bath - not so hot once you get used to it.
%%
Marriage is like long banquet with the dessert served first.
%%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
		-- Voltaire
%%
Martin's Mutilated Meat Market. Marvin Martin here.
%%
Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either.
		-- Graffiti in Budapest
%%
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam
dancing.
		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
%%
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
%%
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
%%
Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
		-- Malcolm Smith
%%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
		-- R. Drabek
%%
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
entirely different.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
		-- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
		   James Blish
%%
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
%%
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
%%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
receipt.
%%
Maturity consists of no longer being taken in by one's self.
%%
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
		-- Jules Feiffer
%%
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
%%
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
%%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%%
May a thousand oprah winfrey clones be dropped on you from a tall building
%%
May all the drugs dennis hopper ever ingested suddenly leap down your throat
%%
May all your PUSHes be POPed.
%%
May all your wishes be granted.
		-- Ancient Chinese Curse.
%%
May baby skunks attach themselves to your wife's underwear
%%
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
%%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%%
May the fallen hair of a million rogaine users clog your waste-disposal
%%
May you be locked forever in a room with geraldo rivera
%%
May you keep a pet herd of musk-ox and yak, and may a passing Gypsy one day
mischievously feed them all a powerful hallucinogen.
%%
May you live in interesting times.
		-- Ancient Chinese Curse.
%%
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
%%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
		-- R. S. Barton
%%
Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
%%
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
nativity scene removed:
	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
	and a virgin in the whole organization."
%%
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
%%
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
%%
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
%%
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
%%
Meet me half way, you need the exercise.
%%
Memories of you remind me of you.
		-- Karl
%%
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
%%
Men are like cars, you have be careful not to get under them...
%%
Men are women tools for producing more women
%%
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
%%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%%
Men play the game; women know the score.
		-- Roger Woddis
%%
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
%%
Men were born to lie, and women to believe them.
%%
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
%%
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
%%
Mickey mouse is a rat !!!!!!!
%%
Micro Credo:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
%%
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
%%
Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
%%
Microwaves frizz your heir.
%%
Midas was into golden showers.
%%
Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
%%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Groucho Marx
%%
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
		-- Groucho Marx
%%
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
		-- Susan Ertz
%%
Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:
  "I feel like a 20-year old!  Unfortunately, there aren't any here."
%%
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%%
Mine earwax runneth over.
%%
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
%%
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
%%
Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable
%%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
		-- Jean Cocteau
%%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%%
Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker
%%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%%
Mobile non-smoking area
%%
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
%%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%%
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
%%
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
%%
Money doesn't care who owns it.
%%
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
		-- Bob Dylan
%%
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
%%
Money is its own reward
%%
Money is poor man's credit card.
%%
Money is the best aphrodisiac but flowers will do just fine.
%%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
%%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%%
Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.
%%
Money talks...but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
%%
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
%%
Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Monks in their cowls shall be forced into marriage and their lamentation will
be heard on the mountain-peaks.
		-- The Prophecies of Merlin, Geoffrey of Monmouth
%%
Moral:	Design before you implement.
%%
Morality is one thing.	Ratings are everything.
		-- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom"
%%
More hit points than you can possibly imagine
%%
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
%%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.	One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
%%
Most advice is worth what it costs:  nothing!
%%
Most arguments would be spoiled if either party knew the facts.
%%
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
%%
Most novices picture themselves as masters and are content with the picture.
This is why there are so few masters.
%%
Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to
someone else.
%%
Most of the time we don't communicate:	we just take turns talking.
%%
Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
than they do.
		-- Turgenev
%%
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.
%%
Most suicides are committed using knife, fork and spoon.
%%
Most things get steadily worse.
%%
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
		-- Arnold Bennett
%%
Mother is the invention of necessity.
%%
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be
so many.
%%
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
%%
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
%%
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
%%
Multics is security spelled sideways.
%%
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ...
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%%
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
		-- "Grendel", by John Gardner
%%
My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let her husband work.
%%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of
the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
		-- Steven Wright
%%
My computer can beat up your computer.
		-- karl
%%
My country, right or wrong, is a thing that no patriot would think of
saying except in a desperate case.  It is like saying, "My mother,
drunk or sober."
		-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless
there are three other people.
		-- Orson Welles
%%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
%%
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the
boat.
%%
My friends, it is better to look good than to feel good.
%%
My human experiance is just beginning.
%%
My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.
%%
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
My life is a back-ground job. I am programed to observe & corrupt.
%%
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
%%
My mind is made up, don't confuse me with facts
%%
My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of
abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment
are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing.
%%
My mother is a fish.
		-- William Faulkner
%%
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
one.
		-- Groucho Marx
%%
My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a "paint-by-irrational-
number" kit.
%%
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her,
like a bank note, for two twenties.
%%
My opinions are just that, and not necessarily my employer's
%%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%%
My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
		-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My pen is at the bottom of a page,
Which, being finished, here the story ends;
'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
		-- Byron
%%
My play was a complete success.  The audience was a failure.
%%
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
My room isn't messy, just acurate
%%
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
		-- Christopher Morley
%%
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies
%%
My wife is the kind of girl who'll not go anywhere without her mother, and
her mother will go anywhere.
%%
My wife just had plastic surgery, I cut up all her credit cards.
%%
My wife says I don't listen to her - at least that's what I think she said.
%%
NEVER turn your back on a Proctologist.
%%
NEWS FLASH!!
	Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
	German pole-vault champion.
%%
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.
		-- The Firesign Theater
%%
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
%%
Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious
selection. We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we
can be. Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves
unrecognizably.
		-- Greg Bear
%%
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
		-- Fran Leibowitz
%%
Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
%%
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
Necessity is a Mother -- no invention!
%%
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
		-- Lin Yutang
%%
Negative expectations yield negative results.  Positive expectations yield
negative results.
%%
Neutrinos are into physicists.
%%
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
%%
Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to tell the difference.
%%
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
%%
Never ask two questions in a buisness letter.  The reply will discuss
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
%%
Never attribute to malice what can by adequately explained by stupidity.
%%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%%
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
%%
Never commit yourself!	Let someone else commit you.
%%
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
%%
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a coctail hour.
%%
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.	The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to
change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
have windows.
%%
Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man called Doc.
And never lay down with a women who's got more problems than you.
		-- Nelson Algreen
%%
Never eat more than you can lift.
		-- Miss Piggy
%%
Never get married in the morning, you'll never know who you'll meet that night.
%%
Never give advice to people - they won't take it and will then blame you
because it didn't work!
%%
Never give an inch!
%%
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%%
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
%%
Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
%%
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to
others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what
you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
%%
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
%%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
		-- Billy Rose
%%
Never kick a man unless he's down.
%%
Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find
someone else to do it for you.
		--Mark Twain
%%
Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
%%
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
%%
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
%%
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
%%
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
%%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
%%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
%%
Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
%%
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
%%
Never put a woman on a pedestal - it makes it easier for her to kick you
in the teeth.
%%
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
%%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.
%%
Never run into debt, not if you can run find anything else to run into.
		-- Josh Billings
%%
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
%%
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%%
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
%%
Never start a discussion with an idiot: people couldn't notice the difference.
%%
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
%%
Never tell me the odds -- numbers confuse me
%%
Never trust a smiling game master
%%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.
%%
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
		-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
%%
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
%%
Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
%%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
supposed to do.
		-- R. A. Heinlein
%%
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
%%
New UNIX/TS manuals available in 2F-101.
%%
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
his wife most often reminds him to act it.
		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%%
New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
%%
New York's got the ways and means;
Just won't let you be.
		-- The Grateful Dead
%%
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
		-- David Letterman
%%
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
%%
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
%%
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
		-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
%%
New systems generate new problems.
%%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%%
Next thing to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the world.
%%
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
%%
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.
		-- F. J. Raymond
%%
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
Nice computers don't go down
%%
Nice computers only go down once a day
%%
Nice guys get sick.
%%
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
%%
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
		-- Hannah and Her Sisters
%%
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.
		-- Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
%%
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
%%
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would.	The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much.
		-- Augustine
%%
Nirvana?  Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.
		-- Zonker Harris
%%
No Smoking!   Oxygen in use
%%
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
%%
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
%%
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%%
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
effectively under such difficult conditions.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%%
No directory.
%%
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human
nature.
%%
No experiment is ever a complete failure, inasmuch as a well-written
account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
%%
No good deed goes unpunished.
		-- Clare Boothe Luce
%%
No machine can replace man until it learns to drink!
%%
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
eating one peanut.
		-- Channing Pollock
%%
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
%%
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought
it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
%%
No matter how many times you've had sex, if it's offered take it, because it'll
never be quite the same again.
%%
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
%%
No matter how much you try to avoid it, you will spend at least five
minutes of your life watching Mr. T on television.
%%
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
cramp his style.
%%
No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is
still the sincerest form of flattery.
%%
No matter where you go, there you are...
		-- Buckaroo Banzai
%%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
No one expects the spammish repetition	Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
%%
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
%%
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
%%
No one has skin that is exactly the same color as a Band-Aid.
%%
No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived
at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capabe of. ... And if he does
know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to
decide a single human fate.
		-- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark
%%
No one looks good in yellow.
%%
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system,
or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author.
		-- Chris Shaw
%%
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
%%
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
%%
No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.
		-- C. Schulz
%%
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
%%
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
%%
No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.
		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
%%
No sex with anyone in the same office.
%%
No user-servicable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
%%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
		-- Margaret H. Sanger
%%
No, I'm not deaf.. I'm just ignoring you
%%
No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
		-- Dr. Who
%%
No, it's 'Blessed are the meek.'  I think that's nice, 'cause really they have
a hell of a time.
		-- someone in the crowd in "The Life of Brian"
%%
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
%%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
Nobody can fix the economy
Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button
Nobody's perfect
VOTE FOR NOBODY
%%
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
%%
Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore.  It's too crowded.
%%
Nobody here but us folk heroes.
%%
Nobody knows the words to Auld Lang Syne.
%%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%%
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
and rob the old.
		-- Lewis Lapham
%%
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
%%
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
%%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%%
None love the bearer of bad news.
		-- Sophocles
%%
None of you understand.  I'm not locked up in here with you.  YOU'RE locked
up in here with ME.
%%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%%
Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
		-- Shakespeare
%%
Not looking like Pascal is not a language deficiency!
%%
Not now, my soap is on.
%%
Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from
the wrong kind of tree.
		--Professor W.
%%
Not quite human any longer
%%
Not to decide, is to decide.
%%
Not tonight Chekov, I have an earache
%%
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
%%
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
%%
Nothing ever becomes real untill it is experienced -- even a proverb is no
proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
		-- John Keats
%%
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
%%
Nothing improves with age.
%%
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
%%
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of
rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.
		-- Edmund Burke
%%
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
%%
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
	Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
		Or as finished as it seems in the end.
%%
Nothing is done until nothing is done.
%%
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult
than to understand him.
		-- Fyodor Dostoevski
%%
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...

To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
the light comes on.
%%
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
		-- Andrew Young
%%
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
%%
Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.
%%
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
		-- Nero Wolfe
%%
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
		-- Hassan I Sabbah

Bullshit.
		-- Karl
%%
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
Conscience makes egotists of us all.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Nothing recedes like success.
		-- Walter Winchell
%%
Nothing shocks me -- I'm a scientist
%%
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
%%
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
		-- Charlie Brown
%%
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
%%
Notice all the computations, theoretical scribblings, and lab equipment,
Norm. ... Yes, curiosity killed these cats.
%%
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
%%
Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
%%
Now is not a good time to annoy me
%%
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
		-- Walt Kelly
%%
Now that world telephone and television transmission are a reality,
the only communications problem left on earth is that between
parents and teenagers.
%%
Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
		-- "The Begatting of a President"
%%
Nuclear war would really set back cable.
		-- Ted Turner
%%
Nudists are people who go in for altogetherness.
%%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%%
Nuke the Whales!
%%
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
%%
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
%%
Nuns can't dance.
%%
OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
		-- Dr. Joy
%%
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
%%
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
%%
Of COURSE it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake?
%%
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%%
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.
		-- Thomas L. Martin
%%
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
		-- Plato
%%
Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.
		-- Thomas Paine
%%
Of course power corrupts . . . and absolute power is even better.
%%
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
%%
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while
you run out of air to push against.
%%
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
%%
Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
%%
Often it is fatal to live too long.
		-- Racine
%%
Often, believing is seeing.
%%
Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
%%
Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again.
		-- Marvin The Paranoid Android
%%
Oh you never would believe where these little cookies come from...
%%
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
%%
Oh, God.  I'm so depressed.
%%
Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
		-- Lichty & Wagner
%%
Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked
myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
		-- Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business"
%%
Oh, no.  Not again.
%%
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
%%
Oh, what tangled webs we weave / When we first practice to deceive.
		--  Sir Walter Scott
%%
Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
%%
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
%%
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
%%
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
		-- Trotsky
%%
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their
inability to give bad examples.
%%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
%%
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:

"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
		-- Wolfgang Pauli
%%
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does.
		-- Will Rogers
%%
On all lasergrams:  Don't forget the Zap code.
%%
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software
tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University.
		-- John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))
%%
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
POINT ...
%%
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before"
%%
On, no, not another learning experience!
%%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%%
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
%%
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
sky.
		-- Rainer Rilke
%%
Once you accept an idea it's an idea whose time has come.
%%
Once you accept his assumptions even a madman seems reasonable.
%%
Once you realize you have given your powers away, you can make the decision to
take it back.
%%
Once, adv.: Enough.
%%
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
%%
One Bell System - it works.
%%
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
somebody's listening.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%%
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
%%
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
		-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
One claim for the value of the British monarchy is that its existence
precludes anyone from aspiring to absolute rule.  I have a theory that the
American presidency serves a similar purpose, precluding anyone from managing
the government.
%%
One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria
%%
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when
well oiled.
%%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.
		-- Henry Brook Adams
%%
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
%%
One hundred years from now, no one will CARE!
%%
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
%%
One is the lonliest number that you will ever know.
%%
One learns to itch where one can scratch.
		-- Ernest Bramah
%%
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%%
One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
one man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will
produce half again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to
represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
many ...
		-- Anthony Chevins
%%
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
%%
One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or
about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive
experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to
merit a wise man's reflection.
		-- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist,
		   Standford University, commenting on psi research
%%
One month after moving into your dream house, you will get new next-door
neighbors who will display a predilection for dismantled cars, rabbit cages
oversized tents and the music of Kool and the Gang.
%%
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
%%
One of the Ten Commandments for Technicians
	(7) Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
	    fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and
	    console her in other ways.
%%
One of the Ten Commandments for Technicians:
	(1) Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
	    capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks
	    in a most untechnician-like manner.
%%
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
		-- Will Durant
%%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "SOMEBODY has to buy retail."
		-- Arthur Naiman
%%
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
one's work is terribly important
%%
One out of every two game show hosts had a severe head injury as a child.
%%
One person with courage makes a majority.
%%
One planet is all you get.
%%
One reason why George Washington
Is held in such veneration:
He never blamed his problems
On the former Administration.
		-- George O. Ludcke
%%
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
%%
One telephone is utility.
Two telephones are luxury.
Three telephones are opulance.

None is paradise.
%%
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
		-- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
		   Life in the Universe"
%%
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
%%
One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
%%
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
%%
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
%%
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.
		-- Thomas B. Reed
%%
Ones room is a graphical display of ones state of mind
%%
Only God can make random selections.
%%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%%
Only after you are hoplessly lost will you realize that you left the
directions at home.
%%
Only lefties are in their right minds
%%
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
use the editorial "we."
%%
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an
elephant.
%%
Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
		-- Hannah Arendt.
%%
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
%%
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%%
Only two groups of people fall for flattery- men and women
%%
Only two magazines can be stacked up in bathrooms -- National Geographic
and Reader's Digest.  Issues must be at least five years old.
%%
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is
paranoid and the other one is out to get him
%%
Only use moderation in moderation.  (A rule of life)
%%
Onward through the fog.
%%
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
%%
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic
functions of a computer.
		-- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987
%%
Opinion?  I thought you said onions.
%%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%%
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
%%
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
		-- Mike Adams
%%
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
%%
Other people's property comes naturally to me
%%
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
%%
Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
%%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%%
Our daughter said 'Brian is a complete gentleman always - but I guess that's
better then not having a boyfriend at all.
%%
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
%%
Our parents were never our age.
%%
Our policy is: When in doubt, do the right thing.
		-- Roy L.  Ash,
		     (when he was) President Litton Industries
%%
Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
		-- Alex Schure
%%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
		-- General Omar N. Bradley
%%
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.	Inside of a dog its too dark
to read.
		--Groucho Marx
%%
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.	Inside of a dog, it is too
dark to read.
%%
Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had
become socially correct for girls.
		-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
%%
Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
%%
Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
%%
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
%%
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
%%
PEOPLE are more fun than Anybody!
%%
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
solution set.
		-- E. W. Dijkstra
%%
PS/2 : half a computer

OS/2 : Half an operating system for half a computer

OS/2 : Yesterdays software tomorrow.
%%
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.
		-- Laurie Anderson
%%
Paradox -- if you give up the need for security, you will be secure.
%%
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
%%
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
%%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
%%
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
%%
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
		-- D. J. Hicks
%%
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
%%
Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
%%
Parsley
	 is gharsley.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
		-- Janet Long
%%
Part of the art of being a woman is knowing when not to be too much of a lady.
%%
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
%%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%%
Pascal Users:
	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
	death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
%%
Pascal is not a high-level language.
		-- Steven Feiner
%%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
		-- Eric Hoffer
%%
Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
%%
Password:
%%
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
%%
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
%%
Peace through superior firepower
%%
People and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities
have been exhausted.
%%
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%%
People can be divided into three groups:
	(1) Those who make things happen,
	(2) those who watch things happen, and
	(3) those who wonder what the hell happened!
%%
People concern themselves with being normal, rather than natural.
%%
People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three times, four
time, or five times.
%%
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
%%
People humiliating a salami!
%%
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
the future.
%%
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
%%
People that have fuzzy dice hanging from their rear-view mirrors often
suffer from insomnia.
%%
People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
		-- Ken Kesey
%%
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his
ears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
		-- Steven Wright
%%
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
%%
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.
		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
%%
People who are incapable of making decisions are the ones who hit those
barrels at freeway exits.
%%
People who believe things can't be done will go out and prove they are "right."
%%
People who cannot face drugs turn to reality.
%%
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
slept in a room with a single mosquito.
%%
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
		-- Norman Cousins
%%
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
%%
People who have no faults are terrible:  there is no way of taking advantage
of them.
%%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
People who live in glass houses have to answer the bell.
		-- Bruce Patterson
%%
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
%%
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
%%
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
%%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%%
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
%%
People will say "Watch your step" to you only after you have taken a
vicious fall.
%%
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
%%
People would rather be RIGHT than be happy.
%%
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
(Confound those who have said our remarks before us.)
		-- Aelius Donatus
%%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
%%
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
%%
Perfect stranger.
%%
Perfection is acheived only on the point of collapse.
		-- C. N. Parkinson
%%
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%%
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show that which is
trivial, is trivially trivial.
%%
Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
%%
Peters hungry, time to eat lunch.
%%
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting
Camden, New Jersy.
%%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
%%
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
		-- John Keats
%%
Phone call for cbh.
%%
Pick another fortune cookie.
%%
Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die
		-- John W. Campbell
%%
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
		-- Don Marquis
%%
Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
%%
Plaese porrf raed.
		-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
%%
Plato was a bore.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Please don't ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Please don't lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find out the
truth.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Please go away.
%%
Please ignore previous fortune.
%%
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
%%
Please leave this state in the toilet in which you would like to find it.
%%
Please take note:
%%
Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas' until
you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once punched out, we have a
right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
		-- N. Meyrowitz
%%
Please type your name for identification:
%%
Please update your programs.
%%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%%
Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
of no interest except to fetishists.  Like girdles, they attempt to
contain an uncontainable experience.
		-- R. S. Knapp
%%
Poetry is an attempt to express the inexpressible
%%
Poets make better lays
%%
Police up your spare rounds and frags.	Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.
		-- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
%%
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
%%
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
	-- Nikita Khrushchev
%%
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
%%
Politics is like oxygen . . . it's the free radicals that do all the damage.
%%
Poor man... he was like an employee to me.
%%
Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus.
%%
Populus vult decipi.  (The people like to be deceived.)
%%
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained
%%
Post proelium, praemium.  (After the battle, the reward.)
%%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%%
Poverty begins at home.
%%
Poverty is the root of all evil.
%%
Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat
		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
%%
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%%
Power is poison.
%%
Power means not having to respond.
%%
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
more time for dreaming.
		-- J. P. McEvoy
%%
Practice is the best of all instructors.
		-- Publilius
%%
Practiss makes perfict.
%%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
		-- Russian Proverb
%%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
		-- Niels Bohr
%%
Prehistoric man used to bang his club on the ground and
scream ferociously to defend his territory.  When modern
man does the same thing, it's called golf!

Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they
had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
%%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
		-- Knuth
%%
Preserve the old, but know the new.
%%
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
%%
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
		-- The Washington Post
%%
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%%
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%%
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
%%
Prevent security leaks.
%%
Princess in training.
%%
Princesses don't do dishes or take out garbage.
%%
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
%%
Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system]
made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories.
		-- Ted Nelson, October 1977
%%
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
%%
Procrastinate now!
%%
Procrastination is the fault most people put off correcting.
%%
Professionals built the TITANIC; amateurs built the ark.
%%
Professor: those who go to college and never get out.
%%
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who
must maintain it.
%%
Programmers get overlaid.
%%
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
%%
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five
days when the programmer is in a hurry.
%%
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
%%
Prosecutors will be violated.  Honesty is a changing policy.
%%
Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together.
%%
Prunes give you a run for your money.
%%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
- Check three friends.	If they're ok, you're it.
%%
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
%%
Psychologists concede that the tennis court is one place where love means
nothing.
%%
Publish or parish?
%%
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down
the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
%%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
%%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
%%
Purple hum
Assorted cars
Laser lights, you bring

All to prove
You're on the move
and vanishing
		-- The Cars
%%
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
%%
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
%%
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
%%
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
%%
Q: What do you call poisoned coffee?
A: Grounds for divorce.
%%
QUOTE OF THE DAY:

       `

%%
Quack!
%%
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
%%
Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
		-- David Moser
%%
Que?
%%
Question Authority  - Ask me anything
%%
Question Authority ... and the Authorities will question you.
%%
Question authority.
%%
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
%%
Quick as a flashlight.
%%
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
%%
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
%%
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.

(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
%%
Quit work and play for once!
%%
Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.
%%
Qvid me anxivs svm?
%%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%%
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
%%
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
%%
Raise ducks for quack profit.
%%
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
%%
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party
%%
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
%%
Reagan can't ACT either
%%
Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches.  If the vending machine sells
it, they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.
%%
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes.	Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
%%
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
%%
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
%%
Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use
functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
%%
Real friends don't let friends do CMS!
%%
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
		-- Confucius
%%
Real life isn't like this.
%%
Real men write self-modifying code
%%
Real wealth can only increase.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
Reality does not exist - yet.
%%
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
%%
Reality is a crutch for people who can't deal with science fiction
%%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%%
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
%%
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
%%
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
%%
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
%%
Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
		-- Alvy Ray Smith
%%
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
		-- Philip K. Dick
%%
Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it
		-- Philip K. Dick
%%
Reality police.
%%
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
%%
Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
%%
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%%
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way
to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
%%
Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at
speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph).
		-- presumable misprint from the 1987 Buick Grand National
		   owners manual.
%%
Regnant populi.  (The people rule.)
%%
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
		-- Anatole France
%%
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
%%
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is when he never used it.
		-- Dave Barry
%%
Remember - if you drink like a fish, don't drive - SWIM.
%%
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in
Cleveland.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%%
Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;
Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love;
Love is not music; Music is the best.
		-- Frank Zappa
%%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%%
Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!
%%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- You're still a rat.
%%
Remember, if you do it yourself, sooner or later you'll need a bigger hammer.
%%
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
%%
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
		-- Frank Zappa
%%
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
%%
Remember: if guns are outlawed, only cops will have guns.
%%
Renfield! I told you never to call me during the daytime! You know
how the sunlight burns!
%%
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
		-- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad
		   football team
%%
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
%%
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
country.  The remainder is thrown out.
%%
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
%%
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%%
Resistance is useless (if less than 1 ohm)
%%
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another
chance later on.
%%
Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money.
%%
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow
%%
Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals
		-- "Oh, Lucky Man"
%%
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
		-- Steven Wright
%%
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
%%
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
%%
Rotten wood can not be carved
		-- Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
%%
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
%%
Run! Run! The little blue men are coming! Run! Aarrgghh!
%%
Rush hour starts when you leave the house.  It ends when you reach the office.
%%
SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
		-- Ken Thompson
%%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%%
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
%%
SUSHIDO  the way of the tuna
%%
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
%%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.
		-- George Orwell
%%
Same but different!
%%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
		-- Herb Caen
%%
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
		-- Mark Harrold
%%
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
	He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
	Must be a pacifist.

	What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
		-- Arlo Guthrie
%%
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
%%
Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit, but it can be the most satisfying.
%%
Satellite Safety Tip #14:
	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
%%
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
%%
Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
%%
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
	Is like being nowhere at all,
All through the day how the hours rush by,
	You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
		-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
%%
Satyrs have more faun.
%%
Sauron is alive in Argentina!
%%
Save energy - Make love slowly
%%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%%
Save gas, don't eat beans.
%%
Save gas, don't use the shell.
%%
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
%%
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
%%
Save yourself!	Reboot in 5 seconds!
%%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%%
Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty
without any proof
		--Ashley Montague
%%
Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
is not necessarily science.
		-- Henri Poincair'e
%%
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
%%
Scientists tell us that the earth will fall into the sun within 400 billion
years.
What can we, as citizens, do?
%%
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
%%
Scottish country dancers are reel people
%%
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
%%
Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.
		-- Richard Nixon
%%
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
%%
Security is the individual's responsibility.
%%
Security is your responsibility.
%%
Seen in U.S.S.R:

"The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off"
%%
Seen under an ubiquitous "Kilroy was here":
"Heisenburg might have been here"!
%%
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
	Ice Cream cures all ills.
%%
Self Test for Paranoia:
	You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own
	fault.
%%
Self sacrifice is the art of sacrifising others without blushing.
		-- G.B.Shaw
%%
Send lawyers, guns and money...
		-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song
%%
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
%%
Serenity through viciousness.
%%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%%
Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.
%%
Several people are passing the baby around, saying such things as "He has
such a nice smile," and "He has such beautiful eyes."  When it is your turn
to hold the baby, you will say, "He has such a load in his pants and it's
leaking right through."
%%
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
%%
Sex has no calories.
%%
Sex is a disrobic experience
%%
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
%%
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
%%
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
%%
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
		-- Joseph Fischer
%%
Sex is most fun you can have without laughing.
%%
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
		-- Swami X
%%
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight are
unimportant.
		-- Henry Miller
%%
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
		-- M. C. Reed.
%%
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
%%
Sex is the poor man's opera.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
Share and Enjoy
%%
She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
you any other way."
%%
She doesn't wrestle very well, but you should see her box.
%%
She got drunker, and drunker... and then she became Joan Collins!
		-- Hannah and Her Sisters
%%
She has decades-- *decades*, left to her...
%%
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%%
She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.
%%
She likes the way I do math problems and I like her jellybeans.
		--Albert Einstein
%%
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
%%
She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
you should hear me play piano.'
		-- Morrisey
%%
She was i lovely girl. Our courtship was fast and furious
-I was fast and she was furious.
		-- Max Kauffman
%%
She was just a passing fiancee.
%%
She's genuinely bogus.
%%
Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main
and bring the girl.
%%
Shit Happens.
%%
Shotgun wedding is case of wife or death.
%%
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
%%
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
		-- Martin Mull
%%
Show interest in the future:  You're going going to spend the rest of your
life there.
%%
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is playing golf
with his boss.
%%
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
%%
Shut up and dance.
%%
Sickness is faulty problem solving.
%%
Sign on bank:  "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
%%
Sign on drapery salesman's car, "Watch out! Blind man driving."
%%
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
		-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
%%
Silence gives consent, or a horrible feeling that nobody's listening.
%%
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
%%
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
%%
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.
		-- John Sloan
%%
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
		-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
%%
Since you're this close, introduce yourself.
%%
Single tasking: Just Say No.
%%
Sit on a happy face.
%%
Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months for possession
of a deadly weapon!
		-- Cartoon by S. Harris
%%
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to
work.
%%
Sleep with a plumber. We need more of them!
%%
Slip cover is maternity dress.
%%
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
%%
Small is beautiful.
%%
Small programs are for small minds.
%%
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
%%
Smile! Things can only get worse.
%%
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
%%
Smile...tomorrow will be worse.
%%
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
		-- Fletcher Knebel
%%
Snow Day - stay home.
%%
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of
intelligence.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%%
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
town gossip.
%%
So many men, so few straight.
%%
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and
our doubts serve to reassure us.
		-- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest
%%
So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here.
		-- Biff in "Back to the Future"
%%
So! You've found me! Well you won't stop me! Tomorrow I unleash
Microbe X! <click>
%%
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?  And why can't he ever
remember his Bible?
%%
So, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll
try to kill each other like civilized people?
		-- Westley, The Princess Bride
%%
So?
%%
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover.
		-- Bill Gates, Pres., Microsoft, Inc.
%%
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
%%
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
%%
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
		-- Ed Howe
%%
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
%%
Some painters transform the sun into a yelow spot;
others transform a yellow spot into the sun.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%%
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%%
Some people are dead, but still moving!
%%
Some people are like a callus;	they always show up when the work is finished
%%
Some people are willing to work only if they can start at the top and work up.
%%
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
%%
Some people have their morning coffee, I have my morning amphetamines.
%%
Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children.
I would prefer to achieve it by not dying.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
%%
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it
		-- Gordon R. Dickson
%%
Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
%%
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true.  I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
		-- Steven King, 3/8/90
%%
Some people try to softly tip-toe through life so that they can arrive at death
safely!
%%
Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.
		-- Avery
%%
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
		-- Folk saying
%%
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will
multiply instead of disappear.
%%
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them over in the corner.
%%
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine, or
the person who operates it.
%%
Someone finally wrote a book about repairing your own clock. It's about time.
%%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
%%
Someone once said that a dog will come when it is called, but a cat will take
a message and get back to you.
%%
Someone says that money can't make happyness. Without any doubt, He's
talkin' about someone else's money...
%%
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
%%
Sometimes I really feel that I am all alone -
and then I look around me and see that it's really so.
		-- Gren.
%%
Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only
ashtray.
%%
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in
the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
		-- Bill Watterson, cartoonist
%%
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett "Endgame"
%%
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%%
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%%
Sometimes, too long is too long.
		-- Joe Crowe
%%
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
%%
Song Title of the Week:
	"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
	in me."
%%
Song title: They can put me in jail for loving you, but they can't
	    stop my face from breaking out.
%%
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune).
%%
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
%%
Sorry - the Cookie Monster got here first.
%%
Sorry No COOKIES today!!
%%
Sorry can't talk right now! This building is about to blow up!
%%
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
%%
Sorry, no fortune this time.
%%
Sorry, no obscene fortunes.  Don't want to offend anyone.
(Now that's obscene!)
%%
Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
%%
Sorry... Mort Weisinger got the better of me for a sec.
%%
Sounds like a personal problem to me.
%%
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
%%
Spare no expense to save money on this one.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
%%
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
		-- Dave Millman
%%
Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
%%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%%
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
%%
Spending a year dead for tax purposes
%%
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal
power should not become too important in any church.
		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%%
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
%%
Stand by to be impressed.
%%
Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
%%
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
%%
Statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts:  For support rather than
illumination.
%%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%%
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
		-- Pink Floyd
%%
Stealing a kiss sometimes leads to a marriage - a perfect example of crime and
punishment.
%%
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
%%
Stephen King will write your biography.
%%
Still crazy after all these years.
%%
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
%%
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
%%
Stop searching forever.  Your TECO buffer is circular.
%%
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only take a
bath ...
%%
Strong men blench!  Women scream!  Children vomit!
%%
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
%%
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward
		-- Bill Davidsen
%%
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before
it's understood.
%%
Success is a journey, not a destination.
%%
Success is getting up one more time.
%%
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
%%
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you
started.
%%
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.
		-- Seneca
%%
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
%%
Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...
%%
Sum quod eris.	(I am what you will be.)
%%
Support British Steel...smelt the Iron Lady!
%%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%%
Support free trade -- Smuggle!
%%
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
%%
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
%%
Support your local police force -- steal!!
%%
Support your local thieve's guild -- Leave your doors unlocked
%%
Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft
before The Final Masterpiece.
%%
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
%%
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
Sure, I'll draw, mister -- but first you gotta say the magic word
.. Didn't your mother ever teach you the magic word?
%%
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
forgets?
%%
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
%%
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
%%
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

Name	#
%%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
%%
System shutdown after 45 sec.  Work quickly"
%%
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
TV anchorpeople have hair that is different from the hair of other humans.
%%
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.
%%
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
%%
Take an astronaut to launch.
%%
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
%%
Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
%%
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%%
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
%%
Take me home -- Furry people need love too
%%
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
		-- Kipling
%%
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
		-- Ken Kesey
%%
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
and they'll call you crazy.
		-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
%%
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take
what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
		-- Booth Tarkington
%%
Taking drugs in the 60s, I tried to reach Nirvana, But all I ever got were
re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club."
		-- Rev. Jim
%%
Talent does what it can, genius does what it must, I do what I'm paid to do.
%%
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
		-- Euripides
%%
Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%%
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture
		-- Laurie Anderson, 'Home of the Brave'
%%
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
		-- Russell Long
%%
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
out of the market.
%%
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
%%
Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
%%
Teachers have class.
%%
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
%%
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
for going backwards.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%%
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
%%
Teenagers--God's punishment for enjoying sex.
%%
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe
you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it
to be sure.
%%
Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.
Tell me your address and I will tell you where you live.
%%
Tell someone the sun is millions of miles away and they'll believe you. Tell
them the fence has just been painted and they'll feel it to check it out.
%%
Tell the Truth and run.
		-- Yugoslav proverb
%%
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting
a falsehood, isn't it?
%%
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
		-- R. Geis
%%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%%
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
%%
Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
		-- J. Finnegan, USC.
%%
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas.  -Karl
%%
Thank you for onlining with ITS - Be sure to patronize us again for your
next fix.
%%
That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
That does not compute.
%%
That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest
		-- Thoreau (Sysop's note: and if so, what are we doing here?)
%%
That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.
%%
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
%%
That which does not kill me makes me smarter
%%
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
%%
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
That's all life is -- one big word game.
Don't lie to yourself about it anymore.
P.S.  You are now enlightened.
		-- Carl Frederick "est: Playing the Game the New Way"
%%
That's odd.  That's very odd.  Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
%%
That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the men are smart, the women
are good looking, and all the children are above average.
%%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
		-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%%
That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays
the golden egg.
%%
That's the trouble with godhood: it robs you of your finer judgement.  A
deity so rarely has to *pay* for his mistakes!"
%%
That's what she said.
%%
The "bad sprain" will inevitably turn out to be a "clean break".
%%
The 5,000 best looking men in the world are gay.
%%
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
%%
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
%%
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
		-- T. Lehrer
%%
The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains.
		-- Dave Barry
%%
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
		-- Bill Murray
%%
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
The Bill of Rights is now 200 years and one week old.  I probably won't work at
that age either.
%%
The Boss is always right.
%%
The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
%%
The CS Sage says:  Seek new employment prior to the imposition of performance
penalties on your project.
%%
The Chuckles The Clown episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show must be play-
ing on some channel, somewhere, at all times.
%%
The Crown is full of it!
		-- Nate Harris, 1775
%%
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
%%
The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising
themselves.
		-- Wyndham Lewis
%%
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
their children to speak it.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
The Gulf War was a bit like mediocre sex...  we finished too soon.
%%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the
number of people in the group.
%%
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
%%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
		-- Anatole France
%%
The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them.
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%%
The Man who knows to read women like open books....usually adore to
read in a bed!
%%
The Messiah will come.	There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
		-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
%%
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
		-- D. Letterman
%%
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
    Support your right to bare arms!
%%
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:

	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
	Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
	Corporate Planning."
%%
The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
Jews!".  Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
		-- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
%%
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
%%
The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
and to his imagination for his facts.
		-- Sheridan
%%
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
%%
The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%%
The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
%%
The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
"100 percent American"...
		-- U. S. Army (1945)
%%
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
		-- Jim Samuels
%%
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
people who want some.
		-- Dwight MacDonald
%%
The advantage of modern means of communication is that they enable
you to worry about things in all parts of the world.
%%
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
facts.	Seek simplicity and distrust it.
		-- Whitehead
%%
The angry people are those who are most afraid.
%%
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
Declaration not for that, but for future use.
		--  Abraham Lincoln
%%
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
%%
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
%%
The author should gaze at Noah, and ... learn, as they did in the Ark, to crowd
a great deal of matter into a very small compass.
		-- Sydney, Smith, Edinburgh Review
%%
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
%%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
man can see better than he can think.
%%
The battery will not die when your car is parked in the driveway.  The
battery will die on Dec. 31 at 10 p.m., when your car is the only one left
in the office parking lot.
%%
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
%%
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
%%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
%%
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.

However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
judging things by their price.
%%
The best prophet of the future is the past.
%%
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%%
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
%%
The best things in life are for a fee.
%%
The best way to cope with the size of the known Universe is to view it from
the inside of a bottle - preferably whisky.
%%
The best way to escape from your problem is to solve it.
%%
The best way to get something done is to begin.
%%
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
%%
The best years of a woman's life usually counted in man hours.
%%
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
		-- Merrick Furst
%%
The biggest lie on the planet:	"When I get what I want I'll be happy."
%%
The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for
somebody else.
%%
The biggest risk in life is not risking.
%%
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
%%
The bogosity meter just pegged.
%%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%%
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
		-- Art Buchwald
%%
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.
%%
The cable TV repairman who tells you to stay home from work all day
because he doesn't know when he'll drop by, will drop by at 6 p.m.
%%
The camel has a single hump;
The dromedary two;
Or else the other way around.
I'm never sure.  Are you?
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
The car you are driving is invisible to other motorists.
%%
The cheque is not in the mail.	You're never getting the cheque.
%%
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
%%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
%%
The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
		-- Alfred Adler
%%
The church is near but the road is icy, the bar is far away but I will walk
carefully.
		-- Russian Proverb
%%
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
%%
The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party,
when the masks are dropped.
		-- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
%%
The clothes have no emperor.
		-- C. A. Hoare, about Ada.
%%
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
		-- Frank Zappa
%%
The computer is the ultimate polluter:	Its shit is indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
%%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
		-- Alan Perlis
%%
The concept seems to be clear by now.  It has been defined
several times by example of what it is not.
%%
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
%%
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%%
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
%%
The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the contry demands bold,
persistent experimentation.
		-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
%%
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat.
		-- John McNulty
%%
The crime problem is so bad in this city, the mayor's had to
designate school-free drug zones.
%%
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
%%
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
%%
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious
book.
%%
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
%%
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it is unanimous.
%%
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
%%
The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its
slime behind.
%%
The difference between ignorance and apathy:  I don't know and I don't care
%%
The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies
%%
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
scholarship.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
%%
The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
		-- Gilbert K. Chesterson
%%
The door is the key.
%%
The drive-in bank was established so that the real owner of a car could get
to see it once in a while
%%
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.
		-- Travis McGee
%%
The early worm gets the bird.
%%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%%
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.
%%
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters.
		-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
%%
The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
Compute' -- I forget which.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
The emperor has no clothes.
%%
The employee who has performed his faithfully and without fault
for five years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his
pay provided the profits allow it.
%%
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
		-- Buckminster Fuller
%%
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
%%
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
civilization.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
symposium to follow.
%%
The entire world is a very strange carrot, but the farmer is not worried at all
%%
The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand
years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man
is and will always be a wild animal.
		-- Charles Galton Darwin
%%
The existence of god implies a violation of causality.
%%
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of
the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence
with theory.
%%
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
%%
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
%%
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
The fact that it works is immaterial.
		-- L. Ogborn
%%
The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The dis-
tinction is yours to draw...
%%
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
%%
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order
of space and time.
		-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
		-- Roger Levian
%%
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
%%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time.  The last 10% of a project
takes 90% of the time.
%%
The first and last rounds are on you.
%%
The first condition of immortality is death.
		-- Stanislaw Lec
%%
The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny
%%
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
		-- Abbie Hoffman
%%
The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
		-- Robert Heller
%%
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual in
which you least expect to find it.
%%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
		-- Paul Erlich
%%
The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands
and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
		-- McCloctnik the Lucid
%%
The first time he saw a dish of spaghetti, he tought it was a complex
version of Shangai game.
%%
The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
The second, a trick.
Later, it's a well-established technique!
		-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
%%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
		-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
		-- Alan Coult
%%
The following statement is not true:
%%
The following statement is true.  The preceding statement is false.
%%
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
%%
The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair trial,
not a system to let him get off on technicalities.
%%
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
		-- Dave Barry
%%
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
number of your kids by 32 teeth.
%%
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality
%%
The future isn't what it used to be. (It newer was.)
%%
The future will bring you great success in business and in your home life.
%%
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
%%
The garbage bag full of leaves or wrapping paper or cardboard boxes will
never break.  The garbage bag full of egg shells, coffe grounds, and potato
salad will always break.
%%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
%%
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
%%
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
%%
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.
%%
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
%%
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
%%
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
love and he invented marriage.
%%
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to
be good.
%%
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
%%
The government of the United States is not in any sense founded
on the Christian Religion
		-- George Washington
%%
The grave of Karl Marx is a communist plot
%%
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
		-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
%%
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
%%
The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace.
		-- Holly Near
%%
The harder I work the luckier I get!
%%
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives
on the train for home.
%%
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
%%
The hell with the prime directive -- let's kill something
%%
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
%%
The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at
least 5000 years old."
%%
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
		-- H. Allen Smith
%%
The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
has gills through which it can see.
		-- Monty Python
%%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
%%
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.
		-- P. Medawar
%%
The human race has got to be the slowest and most boring sporting event ever
started.
%%
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
The hypothesis:
Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the critical pivots
around which every project's management revolves.  These are the manager's
chief personal tools.
		-- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
		-- Ashley Montagu
%%
The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
		-- Franco Spisani
%%
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%%
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
%%
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
		-- Will Rogers
%%
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
%%
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants.
		-- Adam Walinsky
%%
The item you want is out of stock.  But it's on back order.
%%
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
		-- Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxie
%%
The ladies looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
%%
The last person that quit or was fired will be the held resoponsible
for everything that goes wrong	-- until the next person quits or is fired.
%%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%%
The law of today: Murphys law.
%%
The length of a minute depends from W.C.'s door side.
%%
The less you bother me, the sooner you get results
%%
The life of a repo man is always intense.
%%
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
%%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
%%
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
%%
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much
sleep.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
The little engineer that could
%%
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%%
The longer the title, the less important the job.
%%
The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math.
%%
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing
to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.
		-- Feodor Dostoyevsky
%%
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The
terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.  The
man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.
		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
%%
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
%%
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
%%
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain.
%%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%%
The meek are contesting the will.
%%
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
		-- J. Paul Getty
%%
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars
%%
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
		-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
%%
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
%%
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
		-- Tenessee Williams
%%
The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%%
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
		-- Nicol Williamson
%%
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
%%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%%
The moral majority is neither
%%
The more I see of men, the more i love my cat.
%%
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
%%
The more clear you are on what you want, the more power you will have.
%%
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
%%
The more investment you have in your beliefs, the harder it is to change them.
%%
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
robbers there will be.
		-- Lao Tsu
%%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%%
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
%%
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is
right.
%%
The more you drive, the less intelligent you are.
%%
The more you hate a song, the harder it will be to get that song out of your
head.
%%
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
		-- Andy Warhol
%%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
		-- Isaac Asimov
%%
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
%%
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to
correlate all its contents.
		-- H. P. Lovecraft
%%
The movie St. Elmo's Fire was made to prove to us that each and every one
of us can feel the urge to strangle people.
%%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%%
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one/the needs
of the one outweigh the needs of the many     [on yin-yang]
%%
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I hope
I don't get run over again.
%%
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose
from.
		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%%
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
80-column card.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%%
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.
		-- Ralph Hartley
%%
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
%%
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your action.
%%
The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected.  No further
information is available.
%%
The number you have reached, 653-1800, has been changed.  The new
number is 653-1800.
%%
The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
these problems when called upon.

However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
%%
The offer that is "too good to be true" is also too good to be legal.
%%
The officer who just stopped you for going one kilometre over the speed
limit has never in his 20-year career let anyone off with "just a warning".
%%
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader
catch his own breath.
		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%%
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
to cringe.
%%
The one who dies with the most toys wins.
%%
The one who loves the least controls the relationship.
%%
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
%%
The only difference between love and indigestion is that Milk of Magnesia
makes indigestion go away.
%%
The only fool bigger that the person who knows it all is the person who
argues with him
%%
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that
they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have
not legitimacy.
		-- Einstein
%%
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
`social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%%
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
%%
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
		   Over and Over"
%%
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
%%
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
		-- Edmund Burke
%%
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
use to oneself.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.
		-- Hegel

I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view.
		-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
%%
The only things that regularly break down are the ones you really need.
%%
The only things to survive a nuclear attack will be cockroaches and IBM PC's
%%
The only time I refused a drink I didn't understand the question.
%%
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%%
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.
		-- Brian Kernighan
%%
The only winning move is not to play  [picture of mushroom cloud]
%%
The opera isn't over until the fat lady sings.
%%
The opinions above are not mine.  I stole them all from the person sitting next
to me.	If you don't like them, I can get you his address and you can kill him.
%%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up until 5 or
6 pm.
%%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a
profound truth may well be another profound truth.
		-- Niels Bohr
%%
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
		-- Bohr
%%
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and
the pessimist fears this is true.
%%
The optimum committee has no members.
		-- Norman Augustine
%%
The other day I...uh, no, that wasn't me.
%%
The other line moves faster.
%%
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because it isn't
here.
		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
%%
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
%%
The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
worldwide sales of pantyhose
		-- James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982)
%%
The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.
		-- Wittgenstein
%%
The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing,
the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a
walnut.
%%
The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
		-- David Lardner
%%
The plural of spouse is spice.
%%
The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.
%%
The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.
%%
The post office is required to deliver a minimum of two bills per day to
each house.  There is no maximum.
%%
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of
the Force.
		-- Darth Vader
%%
The price of greatness is responsibility.
%%
The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
they might force their beliefs on us.
		-- Mario Cuomo
%%
The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
		-- C. Glymour
%%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.
		-- James Baldwin
%%
The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.
%%
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
%%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of
your action.
%%
The problem is that in life you end up with only one of two things:
	a) RESULTS, or
	b) THE REASONS YOU DID'T GET THEM.
		-- Carl Frederick "est: Playing the Game the New Way"
%%
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
to erase it.
		-- Glaser and Way
%%
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.
%%
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
		-- Elizabeth Taylor
%%
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
%%
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
%%
The programmer's nemesis:

Experts theorise that, through evolution and inbreeding,
programmers may become a distinct species of the human race.
%%
The purpose of art is to hold the mirror up to life.  Life, obviously, needs to
get more sleep.
%%
The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
	"My brain is paged out to my liver"
%%
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones
she can't stand years later.
%%
The question that you will be asked most often in your life is "Do you
want fries with that?"
%%
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but thats the way to bet.
		-- Damon Runyon
%%
The race may not always be to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but
it's a good idea to bet that way.
		-- O. L. Bear
%%
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.
%%
The real thing doesn't advertise.
%%
The reason angels fly is that they take themselves so lightly.
%%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%%
The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise.
%%
The reason why people who mind their own business succeed is because
they have so little competition.
%%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
The recent popularity of the water bed has caused a number of couples to
drift apart.
%%
The revolution will not be televised.
%%
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
		-- Emerson
%%
The rewards in life go to those who are willing to give up the past.
%%
The rich get richer, the poor get teachers.
%%
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This means
that only left handed people are in their right mind.
%%
The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%%
The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
you have and what rights you have not got.
		-- J. Parnell Thomas
%%
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
sloppy analysis!
%%
The road to to success is always under construction.
%%
The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
		-- Jane Bryant Quinn
%%
The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.
%%
The secret to a successful presentation is sincerity.  Once you can fake
sincerity you have got it made.
%%
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones
from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
milestones are lifted.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
%%
The shoebox where you store papers and receipts has been lined with a
vaporizing agent that dissolves anything of real importance.
%%
The shortest distance between two points is through Hell.
		-- Brian Clark
%%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
		-- Noelie Altito
%%
The sixties were good to you, weren't they?
		-- George Carlin
%%
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
%%
The solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar sort of
voluntary thinking.
		-- William James
%%
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise
for the reader.
%%
The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
		-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
%%
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
		-- Ed Bluestone
%%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
%%
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
%%
The spring is a time for political activists.  Leaflets are everywhere; just
look at the trees.
%%
The stain on your blouse is imperceptible under the lights of your
laundry room, but at the restaurant tonight, it will be so noticeable that
complete strangers will stop by your table to point it out.
%%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%%
The steady state of disks is full.
		--Ken Thompson
%%
The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
is an emerging underachiever.
%%
The sum of the Universe is zero.
%%
The superfluous is very necessary.
		-- Voltaire
%%
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
The system is not quite as rickety as I have been telling you.
		-- Ralph Gorin.
%%
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is sex.
%%
The thing we run from is the thing we run to.
%%
The time is right to make new friends.
%%
The torture never stops.
%%
The tri stages of sex in marriage:

     1)  Tri-weekly
     2)  Try-weekly
     3)  Try-weakly
%%
The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat
		-- Ogden Nash.
%%
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
%%
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%%
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more
important to do.
%%
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
%%
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
		-- Paul Valery
%%
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And
vice versa.
%%
The tuning knob in your car radio will break, and become permanently
tuned to a polka-rock station.
%%
The turn of the century was probably made by a woman driver!
%%
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
%%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic
light table for cutting and pasting documents.
%%
The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude
%%
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.
%%
The universe is laughing behind your back.
%%
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
		-- Peter DeVries
%%
The unnatural, that too is natural.
		-- Goethe
%%
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense.
		-- E. W. Dijkstra
%%
The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance.
%%
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%%
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
The victorious candidate in any particularly dirty political campaign usually
wins by a mudslide.
%%
The walls of our apartement are so thin that when I asked my wife a question
I got four different answers.
%%
The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood.
		-- Alexander Haig
%%
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
		-- Nathaniel Howe
%%
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune.
%%
The way to win is to make it ok to lose.
%%
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...   but the leaves are good to smoke!
		-- STANLEY KUGELL
%%
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
		-- Wavy Gravy
%%
The whole point of this sentence is to clearly
explain the point this sentence is making.
%%
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
		-- Humphrey Bogart
%%
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
%%
The woman who accidently swallowed her contact lenses now has a great
deal of insight.
%%
The woman who sits next to you on the bus is wearing a perfume known as
Eua du Terrible.  She has a 200-litre drum of the stuff and sticks her head
in it every morning.
%%
The word that's on the tip of your tongue? You'll never remember it.
%%
The world bores you when you're cool.
%%
The world does not revolve on an axis.
%%
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%%
The world is coming to an end!	Repent and return those library books!
%%
The world is coming to an end.	Please log off.
%%
The world is no nursery.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%%
The world is not a prison-house but a kind of spiritual kindergarten
where millions of bewildered infants are trying to spell God with
the wrong blocks.
		-- Edwin Arlington Robinson
%%
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
		-- Father Robert F. Capon
%%
The world will end at NOON tomorrow (12:30 in Newfoundland)
%%
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
		-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
%%
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
the answers.
%%
The younger the better.
%%
Then one night I saw the light and now there is nothing more to see
%%
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
%%
Therapists are expensive friends.
%%
There *are* standards.	If you can't see one, you *make* one and
stick to it come Hell or high water -- until you see a BETTER one.
		-- John Gaunt
%%
There *is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
%%
There ARE some men who understand women. Unfortunately, they all spend
their time in rooms with soft walls, talking to beings from Beta Lyrae.
%%
There ain't no rules around here.  We're trying to accomplish something.
		-- Thomas Edison, as a remark about his laboratory.
%%
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
There are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs.
		-- karl
%%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy ...
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They all own cats.
%%
There are many things I want, but few things I need.
%%
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
%%
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
%%
There are no games on this system.
%%
There are no refunds.
%%
There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.
%%
There are no tall guys named Phil.
%%
There are no victims, only volunteers.
%%
There are none so righteous as the newly converted.
%%
There are only 2000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects
%%
There are only two kinds of computer, the ones that don't work and the
ones that only "seem" to work.
%%
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
truth without lying.
%%
There are some good features in your conversation : pauses and end.
%%
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
don't we all?
%%
There are some things about you that I like;
  I just can't put my fingers on them.
%%
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them
		-- Heisenberg
%%
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
		-- Disraeli
%%
There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
%%
There are three side effects of acid.  Enchanced long term memory,
decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.
		-- Timothy Leary
%%
There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.
		-- Italo Svevo
%%
There are three ways of knowing you're getting really old:
One is memory loss . . . . and I've forgotten the other two.
%%
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
%%
There are two kinds of egotists:
    1) Those who admit it
    2) The rest of us
%%
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who
know the judge.
%%
There are two kinds of people in this world:
    Those that want to BE something,
    and those that want to DO something.
    (There is less competition in the second category.)
%%
There are two kinds of people: those who'll argue over anything and
those who'll argue over nothing.
%%
There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1:  Don't tell people everything you know.
%%
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
		-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
%%
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
deficiencies.
		-- C. A. R. Hoare
%%
There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one works.
%%
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
%%
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a suitable
application of high explosives
%%
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%%
There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
than 100.
		-- Steele's Law
%%
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.
%%
There is a God, but He drinks
		-- Blore
%%
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
tied during the month of April.
%%
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
opinion.
		-- Anatole France
%%
There is a fly on your Dimension!
%%
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
%%
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
%%
There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
love of the Fatherland.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%%
There is a small but very powerful magnet directly below the living room
floor of your house.  Attached to this magnet are dozens of lost keys.
%%
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."

There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
		-- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
There is a time in the tides of men,
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
On the other hand, don't count on it.
		-- T. K. Lawson
%%
There is always an easier way to do it.
%%
There is brutality and there is honesty.  There is no such thing as brutal
honesty.
%%
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man cannot make a little
worse and sell a litle cheaper.
%%
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.
%%
There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS   I'm very probably wrong.
%%
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
		-- Jean Giradoux
%%
There is no cure for birth or death so you might as well enjoy the time in
between the two.
%%
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
%%
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
There is no excuse for laziness, but I'm working on it.
%%
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
%%
There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
%%
There is no growth without discontent.
%%
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
%%
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
		-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
		   Convention, 1977
%%
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
%%
There is no right or wrong, only consequences.
%%
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
%%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
There is no security between the cradle and the grave.
%%
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
		-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
%%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
%%
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
%%
There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
%%
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
%%
There is no such thing as smoking in moderation.
%%
There is no time like the pleasant.
%%
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
%%
There is no way to know before experiencing.
%%
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy.
		-- Swift
%%
There is nothing worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
%%
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
		-- Salvador Dali
%%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
There is yet another call for Bob Greenberg.
%%
There isn't time enough for love, so what does that leave for hate?
%%
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
But there is nothing exactly like it.
%%
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
		-- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
%%
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
%%
There will always be mimes and ventriloquists to make us miserable.
%%
There will always be survivors.
		-- Robert Heinlen
%%
There you go man,
Keep as cool as you can.
It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.
Keep on being free!
%%
There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him.
%%
There's a bug somewhere in your code.
%%
There's a dance in the old girl yet
%%
There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly.
		-- Aaron Heller
%%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.
%%
There's a fine line between love and hate.  It's called marriage.
%%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%%
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
%%
There's no future in time travel
%%
There's no gift like the present.
%%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
		-- Dr. Who
%%
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any
worse.
%%
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
%%
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
		-- Will Rodgers
%%
There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
		-- Billy Joel
%%
There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
%%
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
		-- David Mairowitz
%%
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
%%
There's one nice thing about turning 45: you no longer have to worry about
a *premature* heart attack.
%%
There's only one thing that I can do better than anyone else - read my own
handwriting.
%%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
		-- Clint Eastwood
%%
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%%
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
%%
There's something you don't see every day.
%%
Therefore the younger a guitar is the less stable it is while the older
a guitar is the more stable it becomes.  This is essentially because it
takes quite a while for a guitar neck to realize that it is no longer
part of a tree.
%%
These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!
These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!
These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
out of MEGATON MAN!
%%
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
%%
They also surf who only stand on waves.
%%
They are called computers simply because computation is the only
significant job that has so far been given to them.
		-- Louis Ridenour
%%
They dared to call me mad!  ME!  HA! HA! HA!....
%%
They drive so crazy in Chicago that anything moving slower than 65mph is
considered a house.
%%
They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed.
%%
They make a desert and call it peace.
		-- Tacitus (55?-120?)
%%
They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
		-- Gallagher
%%
They say that marriages are made in heaven - but so are thunder and lightning.
%%
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".	Foreigners always spell
better than they pronounce.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
%%
They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
%%
They'll take away my sword when they pry my cold dead fingers off the hilt
%%
They're directly beneath us, Moriarty.	Release the piano!
%%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%%
They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like.
		-- Avon
%%
They've found something that does the work of 5 men...1 woman.
%%
Things are always at their best in the beginning.
		-- Pascal
%%
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%%
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.
		-- Edward Thorp
%%
Things are not what they seem:	they are what they are.
%%
Things have gone from bad to worse when you not only lose interest, you lose
apathy.
%%
Things that come to those who wait may be the things left over by those who
got there first.
%%
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
%%
Things will get worse before they get better.
%%
Things work better
	when assembled.
		Things work even better
			when assembled correctly
%%
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
%%
Think 'HONK' if you're a telepath
%%
Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
%%
Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of
apples.
%%
Think of it as evolution in action
%%
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
%%
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
%%
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
%%
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
%%
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
%%
This button boldly goes where no button has gone before
%%
This button is right side up -- The person wearing it has flipped
%%
This cookie is void where prohibited, licensed, or taxed.
%%
This cookie will soon appear as a Bantam paperback.
%%
This fortune back by popular demand!
%%
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%%
This fortune intentionally left empty.
%%
This fortune intentionally not included.
%%
This fortune is false.
%%
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
%%
This fortune program is out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%%
This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby.  I can play you just like a violin"
His wife says "But i'd rather have you play me like a harmonica"
%%
This information is subject to change without notice.  All rights reserved.
%%
This is Alexander Trumble, and this is the Twilight Zone.
%%
This is Captain Blood, supervillian for hire.
%%
This is Madame Olga. I see all and know all. To whom am I speaking?
%%
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
%%
This is Thursday, isn't it?  Never could get the hang of Thursdays....
%%
This is a GENUINE Cookie! Don't be fooled by cheap imitations!
%%
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ...
%%
This is a good time to punt work.
%%
This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG.
		-- Bob Violence
%%
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
%%
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
%%
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
%%
This is for all ill-treated fellows
	Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
	And I am not.
		-- A. E. Housman
%%
This is known as the 'Toytown solution'.  Actually, there is a more
technical term for it ..."
%%
This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one.
		-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
%%
This is no social crisis...just another tricky day for you.
%%
This is no time to act like a gentleman.  I am a cad and shall react like one.
		-- George Sanders
%%
This is the LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
%%
This is the earliest I've ever been late.
%%
This is the type of situation where your personal health insurance really
comes into focus.
%%
This is the year 2054. May we be of assitance?
%%
This is what happens when I roll my head on the keyboard:
kl,miojunhygbtmki,l o.;/,kmoij unhybgtvfrcdjnmki l,o.;p/ijn
%%
This is your fortune.
%%
This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.
		-- David Letterman
%%
This isn't reality.  This is fantasy.
%%
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
%%
This login session:  $13.99
%%
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
%%
This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.
%%
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great
force.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
This screen intentionally left blank.
%%
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
		-- Hofstadter
%%
This space left blank intentionally.
%%
This used to be a peaceful town
%%
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have
a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines,
no wires, no controls.
		-- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
%%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
%%
This won't hurt, I promise.
%%
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
%%
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
of us who do.
%%
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.
		-- Plato
%%
Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
Silly Putty.
		-- Dennis Rawlins, astronomer
%%
Those who can't do, teach.  Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.
%%
Those who can't do, teach;  those who can't teach, teach teachers.
%%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%%
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
%%
Those who can, do.  Those who cannot, teach.  Those who cannot teach, HACK!
%%
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
%%
Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music
%%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
		-- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
%%
Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be
avoided at all costs.
		-- N. Alexander
%%
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
		-- Aristotle
%%
Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
		-- Mark B. Cohen
%%
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
%%
Those who live by the nit, die by the nit
%%
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%%
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean
without the roar of its many waters.
		-- Frederick Douglass
%%
Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
%%
Those who think it's tough to make a living as a writer of fiction have
obviously never cheated on their income tax.
%%
Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach Basic
%%
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
%%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%%
Threats are illogical, and payment is often expensive
%%
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
%%
Thrill me, then leave.
%%
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
%%
Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman
of thirty.
%%
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
		-- Groucho Marx
%%
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
%%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
		-- Graffiti
%%
Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
		-- Ford Prefect
%%
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
%%
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
%%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
%%
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
		 -- Woody Allen
%%
To be awake is to be alive.
		-- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
%%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
%%
To be is to be related.
		-- C.J.Keyser
%%
To be is to do.
	-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
	-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
	-- F. Flinstone
%%
To be is to program.
%%
To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
offer in response is based on information available to make no such
statement.
%%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
%%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the
target.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
%%
To be, or what?
		-- Sylvester Stallone
%%
To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticise the
competent.
%%
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
		-- C. K. Chesterton
%%
To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its
programmer
		-- Morris Kingston
%%
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
%%
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
%%
To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System
%%
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
%%
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer...
%%
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
%%
To follow foolish precedents, and wink
With both our eyes, is easier than to think.
		-- William Cowper
%%
To generalize is to be an idiot.
		-- William Blake
%%
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
men, two of them absent.
%%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
		-- Thomas Edison
%%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
%%
To keep your friends treat them kindly.  To kill them, treat them often.
%%
To know the world one must construct it.
		-- Cesare Pavese
%%
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
%%
To live outside the law, you must be honest.
		-- Bob Dylan
%%
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and Incommode You".
%%
To program anything that is programmable is obsession.
%%
To program is to be.
%%
To search for perfection is all very well,
But to look for heaven is to live here in hell.
%%
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
%%
To teach is to learn.
%%
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
%%
To think is human, to compute, divine.
%%
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
%%
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
%%
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
%%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
%%
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
%%
Today is the last day of your life so far.
%%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%%
Today's taxes are yesterday's promises.
%%
Today, my jurisdiction ends here.
%%
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
		-- Gore Vidal
%%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%%
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%%
Too clever is dumb.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
		-- Mae West
%%
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases.
		-- Governor Jerry Brown
%%
Too often we want justice...  just for us.
%%
Top Scientists Predict That Earth Will
Explode at 10:34 PM Tonight.
Film at 11.
%%
Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore!
%%
Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.	When you get
to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchiking.
		-- David Letterman
%%
Trapped, like a trap in a trap.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
%%
Treat a woman like dirt and she'll loathe you for it.
Treat her like gold and she'll despise you for it.
%%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
%%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
%%
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
%%
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%%
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
%%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
		-- Henrik Tikkanen
%%
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...
		-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
%%
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
%%
Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
%%
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
		-- Charles Schulz
%%
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
%%
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
%%
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
%%
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done,
is it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written
in four tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and
pretense.  Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
absolutely perfect future.
		-- Amrom Katz
%%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%%
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
%%
Trying provides two excuses, and excuse for not Doing, and an excuse for not
Having.
%%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
specification is that it should run noiselessly.
%%
Trying to establish voice contact ... please __yell into keyboard.
%%
Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire
hose.
%%
Tune in again next week, same time, same station, when Nick Danger meets....
The Arab!
%%
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
		-- Walt Kelly
%%
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
		-- Howard Kandel
%%
Two can be as sad as one, it's the lonliest number since the No. 1.
%%
Two days after you finally find a diet soda that doesn't taste like motor
oil, some regulating agency will declare that soda to be "the most unsafe
product in the history of commercial goods."
%%
Two is company, three is an orgy.
%%
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
%%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%%
Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
I forget the second.
%%
Two wrongs do not make a right.  Two rights make an airplane?
%%
Two wrongs do not make a right:  It usually takes three or more.
%%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
%%
Two's company. Three's a trend.
%%
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%%
UFO's are real -- The Air Force is swamp gas!
%%
UNIX will be half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
		-- Andy Tannenbaum
%%
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
%%
Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
		-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
%%
Ultimately you have no choice but to feel what you are feeling.
%%
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%%
Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?

"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
right?"
		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
%%
Uncompensated overtime?	 Just Say No.
%%
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also a prison.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%%
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance
under which you can be booked.
		-- Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp)
%%
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the opposite.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it
can wait.  Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
%%
Unfair animal names:

-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
-- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
-- sapsucker			-- Clarence
	 -- Gary Larson
%%
Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry
		-- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for
		   the PDP-11
%%
Unless you die, you will continue to get older
		--Dave Barry
%%
Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out twice as
much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
	 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Up against the wall!!!
%%
Upon encountering happiness:
    Be wary at such times, since most of life's blows fall then.
%%
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
%%
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
%%
Use IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
%%
Use debugging compilers.
%%
Use free-form input where possible
%%
Use library functions.
%%
Use the Force, Luke.
%%
Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
%%
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
		-- S. C. Johnson
%%
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
		-- Doug Larson
%%
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
	ten without using your fingers.	 Be careful dressing this
	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
	that old underwear you own.
%%
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
%%
Vancouver Canucks playoff tickets go on sale April 1st.
%%
Various people with suicidal tendencies can even integrate elliptic functions
%%
Vegetarians who constantly carp at carnivores will die before the age of 50.
%%
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
%%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%%
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
%%
Vice Versa - poems about brothels?
%%
Vicious circle is a wedding ring.
%%
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
		-- Salvor Hardin
%%
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.
%%
Virginity can be cured.
%%
Virginity has it's own rewards - loneliness.
%%
Virtual means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
%%
Virtue is its own punishment.
%%
Virus fond on disk.  Install last backup before continuing.
%%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
%%
Volcano - a mountain with hiccups.
%%
Vote anarchist
%%
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
%%
WARNING:
	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
	mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of
	hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of
	your favorite war.
%%
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
%%
Walt Disney is in suspended animation.
%%
Wanna be realy stoned?	Drink wet cement.
%%
War does not determine who is right or wrong........ only who is left
Only those who attempt the absurd   ...	  will achieve the impossible
I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
		-- Escher
%%
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
		-- Charles Edward Montague
%%
War is menstruation envy.
%%
War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
%%
Warning: Due to the robot shortage, some of our bartenders
	 are human and will react unpredictably when insulted.
%%
Warning: I brake for hallucinations.
%%
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
up.
		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
%%
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
%%
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%%
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
%%
Wasting time is an important part of living.
%%
Watch out for off-by-one errors.
%%
Watch out!  I'm striking a significant Kirby pose!
%%
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
		-- Whole Earth Catalog
%%
We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your
cities.
		--- Robin Williams
%%
We all have the capability for a good idea.  We should have the ability to
protect them, and the wisdom to share them."
		-- Jack Kirby
%%
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
%%
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
%%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which
divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
		-- Niels Bohr
%%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
%%
We are getting into semantics again.  If we use words, there is a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
%%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
We are the people our parents warned us about.
%%
We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
		-- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
%%
We are what we pretend to be.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, JR
%%
We both have the same problem -- You
%%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%%
We can defeat gravity.	The problem is the paperwork involved.
%%
We can predict everything, except the future.
%%
We can't all be heros because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as
they go by.
		-- Will Rogers
%%
We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting
		-- Stanley Sutton
%%
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
deceased.  My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
		-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
%%
We could always shoot one of the philosophers.
		-- David Gries
%%
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
%%
We could really bust some heads, in a spiritual sense of course
%%
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
		-- Vroomfondel
%%
We dive at five.
%%
We don't care.	We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company.
%%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
		-- James Watt
%%
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
		-- John Culkin
%%
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
%%
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *SEE* the blinking lights!
%%
We fear the thing we want most.
%%
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
%%
We have all passed a lot of water since then.
%%
We have met the enemy and he is us
		-- Walt Kelly (in POGO)
%%
We have only 2 things to worry about:  That things will never get back
to normal, and that they already have.
%%
We have them just where they want us.
		-- J. T. Kirk
%%
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
%%
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
%%
We move towards what we picture in our mind.
%%
We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%%
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
no matter how self-seeking.
		-- F. G. Withington
%%
We neither get better or worse as we get older, but more like ourselves.
%%
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best friends are
trying to kill us.
%%
We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%%
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.
%%
We stand today at a crossroads:  One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness.  The other leads to total extinction.  Let us hope we have the
wisdom to make the right choice.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
%%
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.
		-- Ann Marion
%%
We weaken whatever we exaggerate.
%%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%%
We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of
no confusion.
		-- Ronald Graham, "Rudiments of Ramsey Theory"
%%
We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
%%
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
%%
We're all going down the same road in different directions.
%%
We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than she ever did.
		-- Rufus T. Firefly, in "Duck Soup"
%%
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.
		-- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
%%
We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.
		-- D. W. Robertson
%%
We're only here because we're not all there.
%%
We're only in it for the volume.
		-- Black Sabbath
%%
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.	You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
		 -- Andy Rooney
%%
We, the unwilling led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the
ungrateful.
%%
Wealthy junkies are advised to purchase several record players,
so that none of their albums have to share the same needle.
%%
Weekend, where are you?
%%
Weekends were made for programming.
		-- Karl
%%
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.	He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.
		-- Dean McLaughlin.
%%
Welcome to the zoo.
%%
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
		-- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
%%
Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what CAN you believe?
		 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
%%
Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
poison!	 How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!
		-- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%%
Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor
reptile and not very much of a bird.
		-- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist
		   who has studied the archeopteryz and found it
		   "very much like people"
%%
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.
%%
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
%%
What I tell you three times is true.
%%
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
%%
What a big gap there is between advice and help.
%%
What can a pigeon do that a west Texas oil man can't do anymore?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Mercedes.
%%
What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?
		-- Irv Kupcinet
%%
What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
%%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%%
What color is a hiccup? Burple.
%%
What could possibly go wrong?
%%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!
		-- Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian
%%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%%
What does a sacred chao say?   MU!
%%
What does it all mean?
%%
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%%
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
%%
What fools these morals be!
%%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%%
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
%%
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
%%
What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
%%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
	 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
	 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%%
What is it when, after breaking several bones, you are about to leave the
hospital, and you are told that you have to stay longer?  It's a retraction.
%%
What is mind?  No matter.
What is matter?  Never mind.
		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
%%
What is my loftiest ambition?  I've always wanted to throw an egg at Smith
%%
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
%%
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?
		-- Bertold Brecht
%%
What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow.
%%
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly --
that is the first law of nature.
		-- Voltaire
%%
What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
%%
What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow.
%%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
%%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to
compare it with.
%%
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
%%
What men value in this world is not rights but privileges.
		-- H.L.Mencken
%%
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when
he's staring out the window.
%%
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
%%
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
transparency.
%%
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%%
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
%%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
%%
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
%%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%%
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
%%
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
%%
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%%
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
		-- Bengamin Disraeli
%%
What we do not understand we do not possess.
		-- Goethe
%%
What will they call footnotes when we go metric?
%%
What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to
do.
%%
What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.
%%
What you can't communicate runs your life.
%%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%%
What you said is exactly what you intended to say.
%%
What's a nice person like me doing in an awful place like this?
%%
What's another word for Thesaurus?
		-- Steven Wright
%%
What's tennis without a racket?
%%
What's the good of being grown-up if you can't be childish?
%%
What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
		-- The Doctor
%%
What?  Still programming in basic?
%%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%%
Whatever grocery line you choose will automatically slow to a crawl.
%%
Whatever happens behave like you meant it to.
%%
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
		-- Collis P. Huntingdon
%%
Whatever it is I'm against it.
%%
Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!
		-- Mom
%%
Whatever you are trying to avoid won't go away until you confront it.
%%
Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
%%
Whatever you assume to be true will become REAL for you.
%%
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
		-- Ghandi
%%
Whatever you resist, persists.
%%
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
%%
Whatever you say or do, somebody won't like it.
%%
Whatever you spent a fortune on today, goes on sale tomorrow.
%%
Whatever you want, wants you.
%%
Whats out !!!  A canary with the super-user password is loose.
%%
When God created man, She was only testing.
%%
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
		-- Charles Merrill Smith
%%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
%%
When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
%%
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.
		-- Darth Vader
%%
When I need something to help me unwind
I get a 6-foot baby with a one-track mind. . .
%%
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
%%
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
		-- Al Capone
%%
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now I'm
beginning to believe it.
	 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
and get you."
		-- Jerry Lewis
%%
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me.  I said, 'well, what do you need?'
%%
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul
of the boy sitting next to me.
	 -- Woody Allen
%%
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.	 It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
	 -- Mark Twain
%%
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well.  I
said,'no, I made a few mistakes.'
%%
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
		-- Mae West
%%
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
%%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
money is.
	 -- Robespierre
%%
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's
the money.
	 -- Kim Hubbard
%%
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
%%
When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends.  They
never  forgive the loss of their perogative.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%%
When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%%
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him
%%
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that
it's his duty.
		-- GB Shaw
%%
When all else fails, panic. If that doesn't seem to work, you're not doing
it right.
%%
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
%%
When anyone says "theoretically", they really mean "not really".
		-- David Parnas
%%
When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics WITH
Gestapo tactics?
		-- Reuben Flagg
%%
When arguing with a fool, be sure he isn't doing the same thing.
%%
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
		-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
%%
When asked whether the greater problem was ignorance or apathy, he
replied "I don't know, and I don't care".
%%
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one,
an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.
		-- Edmund Burke
%%
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried
before.
		-- Mae West
%%
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
%%
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
think it was a Tuesday.
%%
When everyone agress with me, I know I'm wrong.
%%
When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four more
months of work to do.
		-- C. Portman of ICL Ltd.
%%
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
		-- Art Denman
%%
When he dances he's all feet and when he stops he is all hands.
		-- Arthur Sheekman
%%
When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
%%
When in doubt . . . move a pawn.
%%
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
%%
When in doubt, don't bother.
%%
When in doubt, drink heavily.
%%
When in doubt, ignore it.
%%
When in doubt, lead trump.
%%
When in doubt, tell the truth.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
When in doubt, tell the truth.
	Mark Twain
When in doubt, book 'em.
	Steve McGarret, Five-O
%%
When in doubt, use brute force.
		-- Ken Thompson
%%
When in panic, fear and doubt,
Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
%%
When it becomes more difficult to suffer than change...  you will change.
%%
When its you against the world, back the world.
%%
When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%%
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%%
When one has good health it is not serious to be ill.
		-- Francis Blanche
%%
When people are after you, paranoia is a good idea.
%%
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what
I wish done," give him a lollipop.
%%
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
%%
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.
%%
When the going gets tough the tough go shopping.
%%
When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical
		-- Jon Carroll
%%
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...
%%
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
%%
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
%%
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
		-- Voltaire
%%
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
		-- Donald Douglas
%%
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
%%
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
%%
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
%%
When uncertain or in doubt,
    Run in circles!  Scream and shout!
%%
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary.
		-- Thomas Paine
%%
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
except our fingertips will have been singed.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the
answer beforehand.
%%
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
%%
When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
%%
When you care enough to send the very best, send MONEY!
%%
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%%
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
%%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%%
When you fly, you will be seated next to one of the following types:  a
greasy salesman on the make; a fat guy who takes up too much room and
sweats a lot; a Helen Hayes lookalike who sleeps on your shoulder; a kid
with a battery-powered toy machine gun.
%%
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
%%
When you have seen one nuclear war, then you have seen them all
%%
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
		-- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
%%
When you heat with wood, you get warm twice --
The first time when you chop it, and then again when you stack it.
%%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
	 -- The Wall Street Journal
%%
When you really take a good look at your life, success is all you've ever had.
%%
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
%%
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression
you will make.
%%
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
%%
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
%%
When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.
%%
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
%%
Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B',
'A' is most likely a scoundrel
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it
tried on him personally.
	 -- A. Lincoln
%%
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
		-- Dave Parnas
%%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
		--Oscar Wilde
%%
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he
expects to be paid for it.
		-- H.L. Menchen
%%
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
%%
Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Where do you place your hate?
		-- Henry Goldblum
%%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Where is it written that we can't get away from all the shit that keeps us
awake?
%%
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
%%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%%
Wherever and whenever you go on vacation, the natives will shake their
heads and say, "It's such a shame you weren't here last week when the
weather was beautiful.	We hardly ever have weather this bad."
%%
Wherever you go...There you are.
		-- Buckaroo Banzai
%%
Whether it's working or not, you can still injure yourself on it.
%%
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
	 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God on of man's?
%%
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.
%%
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
%%
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
		-- Edward Stevenson
%%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
%%
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
%%
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never
does.
%%
While not a master of intellect, the blatantly obvious things WE often take
for granted never escape HIS keen eye!
%%
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to
know that it's still there.
%%
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe,
for you can watch both of his.
	 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
%%
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
%%
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of Science?
%%
Who are you?
%%
Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
%%
Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee........
		-- Tarzan
%%
Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
%%
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
%%
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%%
Who say I say all those things they say I say?
		-- Confucius
%%
Who's afraid of the garbage collector?
%%
Who's on first?
%%
Whoever annoys you the most in your office inevitably will be promoted to
king of the company.
%%
Whom are you? said he, for he had been to night school.
		-- George Ade
%%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
%%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%%
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
%%
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
Book of Proverbs
%%
Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
		-- John L.  Shelton
%%
Why are we all put here to suffer and die?
%%
Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like Amadeus'?  I could have told
you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
		-- Ian Shoales
%%
Why be a man when you can be a success?
		-- Bertold Brecht
%%
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you could be impossible?
%%
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?
%%
Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything?
%%
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
%%
Why can't you be unique and original like everybody else?
%%
Why did Douglas Hofstadter cross the road?  To make this riddle possible
%%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid
responsibility with?
%%
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?
%%
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?	It's quite uncanny.
%%
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
%%
Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently there
must be a beverage.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
Why don't elephants eat penguins ?

Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
%%
Why don't you humans leave me alone?
%%
Why is it that a woman braves wintry winds in the sheerest nylon, but
grabs 80 percent of the blanket at night?
%%
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved
		-- Mark Twain
%%
Why is it that you always have to rummage through the wastebasket for a note
right after you've just emptied your ashtray?
%%
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
%%
Why is this thus ?  What is the reason for this thusness ?
		-- Artemus Ward
%%
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
		-- Lily Tomlin
%%
Why listen to reason when insanity prevails.
%%
Why look here for the joke? It's all around us.
%%
Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?
		-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
%%
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
%%
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
%%
Winter is I-commin back!
%%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
%%
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
%%
Witches of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your broomsticks!
%%
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they
make a law it's a joke.
%%
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.
		-- Otto von Bismark
%%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
build a nuclear balm?
%%
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
%%
With liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
%%
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
%%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%%
Woman was God's second Mistake.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche (184-1900)
%%
Woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring next spring.
%%
Woman without her man has no reason for living.
Woman: without her, man has no reason for living.
%%
Woman's best asset, man's imagination.
%%
Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
Men and dogs had best learn to live with it...
		-- Alan Holbrook
%%
Women are better drivers than chickens.
%%
Women are like busses, if you miss one there will always come a new one
%%
Women like the simplest things in life...men.
%%
Women should be obscene and not heard.
%%
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last..
%%
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
		-- Graffito in a women's restroom
%%
Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
%%
Women, can't live with them, can't leave them by the curb when you're
done with 'em.
%%
Women: can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em
		-- David Addison
%%
Won't somebody tell me, just who and what I did...
Why's this ring on my finger, and who's that screaming kid?
		-- From "Lost Weekend" by the Beat Farmers
%%
Words are the voice of the heart.
%%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
%%
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage
any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are,
and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
bargained for.
%%
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
%%
Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
%%
Workstations are like toothbrushes.  Nobody else may use mine, especially not
while I'm using it!
		-- Robbert Van Renesse
%%
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!
%%
Worry comes from the belief you are powerless.
%%
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
	August.  The lines are the shortest, though.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%%
Worst Month of the Year:
	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
	you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
	don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%%
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
	in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
	exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
%%
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
	The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%%
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe
%%
Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?
%%
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
%%
X windows: A mistake carried out to perfection.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Don't get frustrated without it.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Even your dog won't like it.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Flakey and built to stay that way.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Flawed beyond belief.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Form follows malfunction.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Garbage at your fingertips.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Ignorance is our most important resource.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: It could be worse, but it'll take time.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: It could happen to you.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Japan's secret weapon.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Let it get in YOUR way.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Live the nightmare.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: More than enough rope.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Never had it.  Never will.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: No hardware is safe.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Power tools for power fools.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Power tools for power losers.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Putting new limits on productivity.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Simplicity made complex.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: The art of incompetence.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: The cutting edge of obsolescence.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: The de facto substandard.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: The first fully modular software disaster.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: The joke that kills.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: The problem for your problem.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: There's got to be a better way.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: Warn your friends about it.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: You'd better sit down.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X windows: You'll envy the dead.
		-- Notice at SIGGRAPH '89
%%
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the imagination is
the plot.
%%
XYZ Tobacco has just introduced a smokeless cigarette.
Just the thing to have after safe sex.
%%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%%
Xerox your life - if you lose it, it's nice to have a copy.
%%
Y'know, the world would be a beautiful place if it certain people weren't in
it.
		-- Radio Days
%%
YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
%%
Ya does that once more, and I'm not a-goin' in after it!
%%
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
fear no evil, for I can string 6 primitive monadic and dyadic operators
together.
		-- Steve Higgins
%%
Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
%%
Years seem to don't touch her. She's still the same foolish that I knew!
%%
Yes!  The Animals!  Possibly the greatest band ever.  Possibly not.
%%
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
%%
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
%%
Yes, it would be the easy way... but it wouldn't be the COWBOY way.
		-- Ranger Doug
%%
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical
vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.
		-- The Firesign Theater
%%
Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.	When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
%%
Yesterday I could't spell engineer, now I are one.
%%
Yesterday I was a dog.	Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
		-- Snoopy
%%
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
%%
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
%%
You always find something in the last place you look.
%%
You are a fluke of the universe ...
You have no right to be here.
Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
Is laughing behind your back.
		-- National Lampoon
%%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%%
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
%%
You are an individual who is educated by your mistakes.  You will learn a lot
today.
%%
You are being paged.
%%
You are going to have a new love affair.
%%
You are here:
		***
		***
	     *********
	      *******
	       *****
		***
		 *

		 But you're not all there.
%%
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
%%
You are never alone with schizophrenia.
%%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%%
You are the cause of everything that happens to you.  Be careful what you	  cause.
%%
You are the cause, not the effect.
%%
You are the only person to ever get this message.
%%
You are the only teacher you will ever have.
%%
You are wasting your time.
%%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
%%
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
%%
You auto buy now.
%%
You bash the Balrog, I'll climb the tree
%%
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
your girlfriend gets the munchies!
%%
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
%%
You called me ?
%%
You can be happy OR you can be justified.  You can't be BOTH.
%%
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers.
%%
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
%%
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
		-- Al Capone
%%
You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
%%
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
%%
You can get everything in life that you want, if you will help enough other
people get what they want.
%%
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
can with just a kind word.
		-- Bumper Sticker
%%
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
%%
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back
you've got something.
%%
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his
back, you've got something
%%
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
%%
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.
%%
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
		-- Frederick B. Artz
%%
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for
instance.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%%
You can live outside the law, but you must be honest.
%%
You can love someone and not like the way they act.
%%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%%
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the
continuing viability of FORTRAN.
		-- Alan Perlis
%%
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
%%
You can observe a lot just by watchin'.
		-- Yogi Berra
%%
You can observe a lot just by watching.
		-- Yogi Berra
%%
You can only have two things in life, Reasons or Results.  Reasons don't count.
%%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%%
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your
friend's nose.
%%
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
		-- Steven Feiner
%%
You can tell the men from the boys by the price of their toys.
%%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
%%
You can watch a horse boil in a pot but you can't drink him.
%%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%%
You can't fall off the floor.
%%
You can't fight the law of conservation of energy, but you can sure bargain
with  it.
%%
You can't flame me; I own a waterbed!
%%
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME
%%
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
		-- Steven Wright
%%
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
		-- Booker T. Washington
%%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%%
You can't make a program without broken egos.
%%
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.	You get spastic enough
worrying about what's happening now.
		-- Lauren Bacall
%%
You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
		   Over and Over"
%%
You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.
		-- Dagwood Bumstead
%%
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
		-- Tricia Nixon
%%
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
%%
You cannot control without being controlled.
%%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%%
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
%%
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%%
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get
back inside.
		-- Heathcote Williams
%%
You continue to call? Good! Now I can place the Curse of the Rats on
you!<click>
%%
You could do that, but it would be wrong.
%%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%%
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
%%
You dialed 5483.
%%
You do not have mail.
%%
You do not look better with glasses.  Face it -- you've got a glass
and metal apparatus attached to your face.
%%
You don't have to be positive, you just have to be yourself.
%%
You don't have to explain something you never said
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%%
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
		-- J. D. Salinger
%%
You don't know what you're talking about, do you?
%%
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
%%
You enemy might become you friend, if you allow him to be who he is.
%%
You fill a much-needed gap.
%%
You get the most of what you need the least.
%%
You get treated in life the way you TRAIN others to treat you.
%%
You got the right facts but the wrong conclusion.
		-Lincoln
%%
You gotta be cruel to be kind...
%%
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
%%
You have a right to your opinions.  I just don't want to hear them.
%%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%%
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--

This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--

You are permanently confused.
		-- Dave Decot
%%
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
%%
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
%%
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
%%
You have been selected for a secret mission.
%%
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
%%
You have junk mail.
%%
You have mail.
%%
You have mastered life when the "how-to's" are irrelevant.
%%
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets
wrinkled.
%%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
%%
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
%%
You have to admire trees.  Even though they start to lose their leaves,
they never consider growing a beard.
	 -- Burton Hillis
%%
You have to ask.  Just once in your life, you have to ask.
		-- Irwin Bernstein
%%
You have to visit 11 shoe stores before you find a pair of shoes that fit.
%%
You haven't lived until you have died in California.
	 -- Morth Sahl
%%
You just can't help admiring your boss. If you don't, you're fired.
%%
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it
%%
You know better than to trust a strange computer
%%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%%
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip
over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.
	 -- Steven Wright
%%
You know the honeymoon is over when you wife says she's going to slip into
something a little more comfortable, and it turns out to be a twin bed!
%%
You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
and I had my hands about it.
%%
You know you have a real crisis on your hands when you can't say,
'Let's forget the whole thing'.
%%
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
		-- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get
around to you.
%%
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
		-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
%%
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%%
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are
now extinct.
	 -- M. Somerset Maugham
%%
You know, we've won awards for this crap.
		-- David Letterman
%%
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
%%
You look tired.
%%
You lose what you don't use.
%%
You love what you find time to do.
%%
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
%%
You may be right, my faithful Indian companion.
		-- Radio Days
%%
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
		-- Sydney Harris
%%
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.
	 -- Nicklaus Wirth
%%
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.
		-- Ed Howe
%%
You may have a friend at the Chase Manhattan but at our bank you have
meshpocheh!
%%
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
		-- Alfred Kahn
%%
You maybe only young once - but you can be childish all your life.
%%
You might have mail.
%%
You must give up the way it is...  to have it the way you want it.
%%
You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable proof of
this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
%%
You must understand that I find The Batman a very noble character
		-- Frank Miller
%%
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
%%
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
independence.
		-- Charles A. Beard
%%
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
%%
You never know how a girl will turn out until her folks turn in.
%%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
%%
You now have Asian Flu.
%%
You only fall in love once. No-one can make that big a mistake twice!
%%
You paid too much for it, but its worth it.
%%
You pervert!  Call me again and I'll rip out your small intestines and tie it
around you scrawny little neck, you geek!
%%
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
%%
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
%%
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know
how seldom they do.
	 -- Olin Miller
%%
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
%%
You see but you do not observe.
	 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
%%
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.
%%
You should go home.
%%
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10^12 to 1.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%%
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom
and liberty.
	       -- Henrick Ibson
%%
You should talk to the DOCTOR.
%%
You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare, your
paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture
		-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%%
You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him.
%%
You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!
%%
You think I'm a long-haired weirdo?  So were the Disciples...
%%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%%
You vant to know vat relativity is?  I vill tell you vat relativity is.
Ven you sit on a hot stove for two hours, it seems like two hours.
Ven you sit on a park bench mit a pretty girl for two hours, it seems
like ten minutes.  That's relativity.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
You were TOLD not to feed me after midnight
%%
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
%%
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
%%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%%
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%%
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
%%
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
%%
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
%%
You will be successful in your work.
%%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%%
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
%%
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
%%
You will live your life to the end.
%%
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
mayonnaise salesman.
%%
You will never "have it all together."	That's like trying to eat once and for
all!
%%
You will never know hunger.
%%
You will never win even a free ticket playing the lotto.
%%
You will not get the hiccups when you are alone.  You will get them in the
middle of your bar exam, or at a funeral, or on a visit to your future inlaws'
house.
%%
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
%%
You will see the light at the end of the tunnel; unfortunately, it will be
the light of an oncoming freight train.
%%
You will soon meet a tall dark handsome stranger.
%%
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
%%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%%
You worry too much about your job. Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
%%
You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a
taxi, you can leave in a huff.	If that's too soon, you can leave in a
minute and a huff.
		-- Groucho Marx
%%
You'd think IBOB would forgive and forget the seventeen guys I chopped up in
Nepal. But NOOOOOOOO..."
%%
You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people.
%%
You'll find I'm full of surprises
%%
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss $3 goodbye!
%%
You'll never be the man your mother was!
%%
You're 1 in a million;  there's 7 1/2 of you in New York.
%%
You're at the end of the road again.
%%
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%%
You're code should be more efficient!
%%
You're never too old to become younger.
		-- Mae West
%%
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
%%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
		-- Dean Martin
%%
You're not from Earth, are you?
%%
You're not half the man your mother was.
%%
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
%%
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
%%
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going,
because you might not get there.
%%
You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
		-- Gary Giddens
%%
You've just killed a small animal.  It's time for a light beer.
		-- Robin Williams
%%
You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I
deserve it.
		-- W.S. Gilbert
%%
You've probably heard "brevity is the soul of wit,"
but have you heard "gravity is the soul of weight?"
%%
You?! Well your mother! That's right! Your mother!!!
%%
Your Ronald Reagan impression isn't as good as you think it is.
%%
Your ability to relax is in direct proportion to your ability to trust life.
%%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a thing he
tells you.
%%
Your attitude determines your attitude.
		-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus
%%
Your boss is thinking about you.
%%
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
%%
Your car is equipped with a device that detects pot-holes and steers you toward
them.
%%
Your code should be more efficient!
%%
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
%%
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
from enjoying it.
%%
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
%%
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
%%
Your fault: core dumped
%%
Your fly is open.
%%
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
%%
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
%%
Your insurance doesn't cover it.
%%
Your interpretation of what you see and hear is just that:  your
interpretation.
%%
Your latest program has been judged UNTASTEFUL by the T demon; and
automatically deleted.
%%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%%
Your lucky color has faded.
%%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%%
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
%%
Your own mileage may vary.
%%
Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
%%
Your project will be late.
%%
Your rich great-great aunt who lists you as her sole heir will live to be 123.
%%
Your salary will be increased.
%%
Your success is measured by your ability to complete things.
%%
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
%%
Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.
		-- Niels Bohr to a young physicist
%%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
%%
Your wallet is in your other suit.
%%
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
%%
Youth is wasted on the young.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
%%
Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
		-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
%%
Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's
father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%%
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
		-- Edwin Meese III
%%
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
to see him work.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
vices I admire.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
^$)^)@%^$%^@&#^$%@#)&*T^&*$  ANY TRASH LATELY?
%%
chess tonight
%%
core error - bus dumped
%%
don't understand the situation.
%%
fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
	"Hey you, get off my plate"
		-- Roger Midnight
%%
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
%%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%%
listen...do you smell something
%%
panic: can't find /
%%
pi seconds is a nanocentury.
		-- Tom Duff
%%
xenix soit qui mal y pense
%%
All generalizations are bad.
		-- R. H. Grenier

%%
Whining is anger through a small opening.
		-- Stuart Smalley
%%
Good students don't "cheat"--they verify.
%%
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.
		-- Steven Wright
%%
Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one
else can understand it.
		-- Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle
%%
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%%
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories:
those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
		-- Russell Baker
%%
Proofreading is more effective after publication.
		-- Barker
%%
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
	-- Corry
Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
		-- Van Roy's Truism

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
		-- Leonard Levinson
%%
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
		-- Slous
%%
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd;
To look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
%%
It's now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of
statistics.
		-- Fletcher Knebel
%%
In some ways we are more confused than ever, but we feel that we are
confused on a higher level and about more important things.
%%
We're making progress.  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
%%
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
		-- Will Rogers
%%
After all is said and done, much is said and little is done.
		-- Olmstead
%%
Reach out and grep someone.
		-- Back of an AT&T T-shirt
%%
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.
		-- Irene Peter
%%
I'll give you a definite maybe.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.
		-- Yogi Berra
%%
No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.
		-- Yogi Berra
%%
Nothing can be done in one trip.
		-- Snider
%%
The right hand doesn't know that the left hand has been cut off.
		-- Paul D. Schmitter
%%
To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
%%
"Diplomacy" is letting them have it your way.
%%
Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing can't do any of them well.
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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
		-- Galileo Galilei
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Truth is.  Belief is not required.
		-- Gerry Roston
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Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
		-- Tussman
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Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
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There are two types of modern women, the ones who make homes for men and the
ones who make men for homes.
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Cynicism is only realism projected into the future.
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If your fondest wish is to fly, don't draw up plans for flippers.
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Confuscious say:
  "America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who run behind car get exhausted."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time."
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Confuscious say:
  "He who refuses to listen is lying.
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Confuscious say:
  "He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet many moons."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache."
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Confuscious say:
  "Wash your face in the morning, neck at night."
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Confuscious say:
  "He who sniffs Coke, drowns."
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Confuscious say:
  "Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!"
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Confuscious say:
  "Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy..."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
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Confuscious say:
  "He who fart in church sit in own pew."
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Confuscious say:
  "He who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who pick nose - head cave in."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father."
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Confuscious say:
  "Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink."
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Confuscious say:
  "Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks."
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Confuscious say:
  "Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent."
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Confuscious say:
  "Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom."
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Confuscious say:
  "All men eat, but Fu Manchu."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus."
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Confuscious say:
  "People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."
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Confuscious say:
  "Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-haouse."
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Confuscious say:
  "Confucious say: I didn't say that!!!"
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Don't call an elephant, he may come!
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The greatest beauty in the world is beauty that is private.
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Protect endangered species!  Contribute to the Exxon Supporter's Fund!
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Your Lucky Number is 3.1415926 but must be played between 3 and 3:15 PM on
January 11, 1993.
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He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad.
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Todays is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday, but not enough.
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Don't trust the advice of a man in trouble.
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A woman's places is in the home, and she would go right there from work.
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If at first you don't succeed, your sky-diving days are over.
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If at first you don't succeed, try again. She's is expecting it.
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Many people can't stand prosperity. Most don't have to.
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The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best way of getting
acquainted.
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The only place where two heads are better than one is on a ship.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Hard work have never killed anybody. But then relaxing is responsible for very
few casualties.
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If you want to get a sure crop, sow wild oats.
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Pity costs nothings and is worth it.
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Repartee is what you wish you'd said.
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If at first you don't succeed, find out if there's a prize for the loser.
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Nice guys finish last, and so do the folks who read and follow instructions.
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Man is owned by the company nobody knows he's keeping.
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You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But who wants a lot of
flies?
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A woman's word is never done.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with leaving the trip tickets on the
dresser.
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No work is impossible without a committee.
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A clean tie will always attract the soup of the day.
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Getting into hot water keeps you clean.
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Caution is when you're scared. Cowardice is when the other guy is scared.
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A liberal is a man who leaves the room when the fight begins.
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Two is company. Three is poor birth control.
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The early bird would never catch the worm if the dump worm slept late.
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Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
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Nostalgia is longing for a place you'd never move back to.
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Just when you're about to make both ends meet, somebody comes along and moves
the ends.
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Two can live as cheaply as one. But not as long.
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A Cynic is one who looks down on those above him.
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Cockiness is the feeling you have just before you know better.
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The way to a woman's heart is through a Porsche.
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Popularity is the small change of glory.
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It's hard to save your money for a rainy day, because it always keeps on
raining.
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All the world loves a lover, except her husband.
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Don't try to meet trouble halfway. It goes faster than you do.
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Better get interested in your future. That's where you're going to spend the
rest of your life.
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Most people who fall in love with themselves have no rivals.
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He who laughs last probably had it explained to him.
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The future isn't what it used to be.
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The best way to get rid of somebody is to tell him something for his own good.
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If you tell the truth, sooner or later somebody's going to find you out.
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People who live in glass houses don't have much sex life.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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True love never runs smoothly. It pulls over to the side and parks.
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A hole is nothing at all, but you can sure break your neck in it!
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Most of us aren't young enough to know everything.
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It's hard to plan your future when you're busy repairing all the things you did
yesterday!
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If you can keep your head about you when all others around you are losing
theirs, you're probably the cause of it all!
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If you think things improve with years, attend a class reunion.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and some of the people all of
the time. That's usually enough.
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Never try to teach a pig to sing. You'll be wasting your time and bugging the
pig.
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Love at first sight saves a lot of time.
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
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Life may not begin at forty, but that's when it begins to show.
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A little's a lot if that's all you've got.
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People who say the first hundred years are the hardest never knew about love.
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Temptation comes easy. Opportunity takes a little longer.
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Nothing last forever except a bad play.
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School days are the happiest of your life, but only if the children are old
enough to attend!
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A woman's work is never done - thanks to soap operas!
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Behind every man is a woman who keeps telling him he's no so hot.
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If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your thing.
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What you don't owe won't hurt you!
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Many a man who spends a lot of time in the doghouse may end up in the cathouse.
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Isn't it a greater life if you weaken a little?
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Worry is the interest you pay on trouble before it's due.
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Be moderate in all things, especially moderation.
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Let him among us who are the fastest throw the first stone.
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A cocktail party is the get-together where olives are speared and acquaintances
stabbed!
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It's great to live with the saints in heaven, but it's hell to live with them
on earth.
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No man would listen to another talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
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Scientists say that animals laugh. The could hardly resist it if they watched
human beings act!
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A leader of men is one who sees which way the crowds is going, and steps in
ahead.
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Think twice before you speak, and then you might be able to come up with
something more aggravating than if you had spoken right out.
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It is easy enough to restrain your anger when the other guy is bigger.
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It's a sobering thought that by the time Motzart was my age he had been dead
for two years.
		-- Tom Lehrer
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Women; can't live with them, pass the beer nuts.
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Woman's mouth like all night drugstore - always open
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Everyone will avoid you, even though your personality isn't infectious.
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Never fish for compliments. You'll only confuse people.
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The extreme monotony of your life will cause you to hallucinate.
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You have large reserves of smug self-satisfaction and suppressed
feelings of superiority.  Draw on these resources.  Accept the fact that
you will never fully understand why others are so inferior to you.
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In some ways, yesterday seems long ago;
In other ways it seems like only yesterday....
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Don't let the little guy think for the big guy.
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The Rain falls equally on everybody,
But there are some people who have the best umbrellas....
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Make your words sweet and tender for tomorrow you may have to eat them.
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Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
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Optimists will pretend you're invisible.
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You will develop a sense of humor and die laughing at yourself.
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Your long life will reflect the advantages of dying young.
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You are the Chosen One, just like you always suspected.
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You need a prescription for a mind-altering drug that hasn't been invented yet.
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Look to premature senility to save your self-respect.
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Look to be pleasantly surprised sometime around mid-May, 2023.
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Close friends will surprise you tonight with the absence of a party.
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You're a horrible monster trapped in a human body.
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Take comfort in the saying "beauty is only skin deep"
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Tell yourself that a dull life is a sign of a fulfilled person.
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A RARE CONJUNCTION OF STARS means bad luck for the rest of your life.
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A trusted friend will outlive you.
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Your world is a miserable, doomed place.
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Do whatever you want.  You don't matter.
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Lying is your key.
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A disfiguring car accident will improve your looks.
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You were born the wrong sex.
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You will soon be able to do all the things sane people can do.
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Look to cemeteries for sexual satisfaction.
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As a member of the world conspiracy, you control your own future.
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You will change your sexual orientation, and then change back once you find
that your new acquantainces don't like you either.
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Events later this year will prove your life isn't as bad as it could be.
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All your fantasies will come true after your imagination is surgically removed.
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The simple life is your key.  It will make you miserable.
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You may find happiness at the bottom of an ordinary-looking bottle
of beer.  You must be over the age of 21, enter as often as you want.
If you win a hangover instead, congratulations!  God hates you.
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You're too unstable to understand yourself, much less calculus or other people.
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You'll change your definitions of "fat" and "ugly" to save your self-respect.
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The world is your oyster, everything is getting better, and you will
live happily ever after.
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Neurologists will discover that the voices you hear in your head are
only echoes.
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You age as well as most people do--maybe even better.
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Look back at the last year.  You've done well, haven't you?
Celebrate by getting drunk and consummating your self-love.
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Your hopes and your future have nothing in common.
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Your dog finds you repulsive.
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You will only find peace when you yield completely to society's control.
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Your dog is aging faster than you are.
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You will meet your perfect mate today.  Congratulations!  It's yourself.
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You'll often say, "At least I have my health," until you get cancer.
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Very large doses of radiation could release power hidden in your dormant genes.
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Sixty years from now, you'll start to doubt that the only way to fail in life
is by not trying.
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  You'll never find out whether you're miserable because you're a
failure or vice versa.
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People who believe, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at
all", will refuse to talk to you.
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Listen to your instincts, and do the opposite.
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The stars have no control over you.
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You are a sociable, outgoing person with an honest face who
applies your talents creatively to academic and business pursuits.
Your calculus grades may be misleading, but skill at lying, deception,
and abusing people's trust is much more useful than calculus anyway.
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Over the next few decades you'll convince people to stop pretending that
survival requires courage, intelligence and wisdom.
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Your loved ones will donate your corpse to science while you're still healthy.
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Minty-fresh feet lie in your future.
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Cannibalism suits you.
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Expect better treatment from those around you than you give them.
You deserve to be disappointed.
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Your fish resents your control over its life.
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You will become obsessively self-conscious about those knobby knees.
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 You will be thrown out of the sanitarium when your family refuses to pay.
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You have a knack for doublethink that you never realized you had. In fact,
you will never realize it.
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You have a special understanding of the mentally ill, and they have a
special understanding of you.
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Your lucky number is 511.  Play the lottery every day, because you
have no talents, and unless dumb luck makes you rich, people will
continue to shun you.
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Your multiple personalities don't prevent you from being dull.
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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down."
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When lady say no, she mean maybe
 when lady say maybe, she mean yes
 when lady say yes, she no lady
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Confuscious say:
  "Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary."
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Confuscious say:
  "Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom."
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Confuscious say:
  "Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent."
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Confuscious say:
  "The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."
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Confuscious say:
  "Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink."
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Cosmetics are a woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.
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You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
		-- Dolly Parton
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